The Simpsons s12e09 Episode Script


#The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing.]
[Whistle Blowing.]
[Jazzy Solo.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
[Air Whooshing.]
Animation is so great.
It's way better than whatever the alternative is.
Seems like animated shows are everywhere- or were, last year.
Cool! Japanimation.
[Grunts, Roars.]
Electro-web, deploy! [Gasps, Grunting.]
Now I control the Roboverse! [Laughs.]
Your laugh is incorrect, Meganaut! Activate Prawn Power! [Shouts.]
Man, that Princess Tempura's one heck of a Transformazoid.
I'm confused.
Why was a wolf shooting a web? Cartoons don't have to make sense.
He's right, you know.
Daddy, are you sure it's okay for us to watch cartoons? Mm-hmm.
This one's fine and dandy, Roddy.
It's approved by a council of Presby-Lutheran ministers.
What you making there, Gravey? It's a pipe bomb, Jobriath for to blow up Planned Parenthood.
I don't know, Gravey.
I'm sick of your lack of faith.
Hmm? [Groans.]
But, Gravey- - [Explosion.]
- [Together.]
Yea! And then I created the voice of Yellow-bellied Yak.
All I need is some courage.
Courage, I tell ya.
Excuse me, but isn't that voice very similar to the Cowardly Lion? Also, sir, your Loudmouth Leopard is a rip-off ofJackie Gleason.
Humina, humina, humina, humina, humina.
And Clutzy Cat sounds exactly likeJerry Lewis with the stealing and the lawsuit and the " Oh, nice judge.
Don't hurt a person with the thing.
" [Instrumental Itchy And Scratchy Theme.]
[Both Moaning.]
And cut.
[Man Announcing.]
After a tough day on the set how do Itchy and Scratchy relax? With Laramie Extra-Tar Cigarettes.
- Here's your smokes, Mr.
- Thank you, Louis.
And now there's more nico-glycerol.
I don't know what's in 'em.
I just know I can't stop smokin' 'em! [All Laughing.]
[All Coughing.]
Wait a minute.
Was that cat making out with that mouse? 'Cause if they were- Folks, you're about to witness the exciting new process of motion-capture animation.
[Wheels Squeaking.]
- Now, we'll need a vol- - [Homer.]
Pick me! Pick me! Now, when you move any part of your body, our furry friend will copy you exactly.
Hmm! [Chuckles.]
# I'm a little teapot, short and stout # # Here is my handle Here is my spout ## [Grunting, Whimpers.]
Uh, let me see.
[Imitating Marlon Brando.]
I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.
[Imitating Edith Ann.]
And that's the truth.
- ## [Humming.]
- [Laughing.]
That dog's a riot.
- [Laughing.]
- Thank you.
Don't spay or neuter your pets.
Good night! - ## [Humming.]
- [Applause.]
## [Homer Humming.]
Oh, yeah.
Urinal cake eroding.
Eroding! Eroding! - Gone! - [All Cheer.]
[All Whimper.]
[Bird Cawing.]
That motion-capture suit is just what this country needs.
Just think of all the hilarious motions that are going uncaptured.
Like this.
See? Now, wouldn't you love to see that move performed by a cartoon possum? An opossum capering around like that would be a smash hit.
It would be the world's funniest marsupial.
Yeah, right.
That suit gizmo could be worth billions! And I'm gonna get a piece of the action! - [Car Door Closes.]
- [Tires Squeal.]
- [Car Departs.]
- So, does he still work here, or what? I'd like to withdraw my life savings, please.
And hurry! Uh, sir, this is a joint account.
Uh, you'll need your wife's signature too.
Oh! Yes, of course.
Uh, she's behind that plant.
Hello, Marge.
[High-pitched Voice.]
Hi, Homie.
Sign this, please.
[High-pitched Voice.]
You're the boss.
[High-pitched Voice.]
Daddy, ask the man for some candy.
No, no.
No candy for you.
[High-pitched Voice.]
Well, at least get some candy for yourself.
Here's your candy.
- So long, sucker! - Uh, sir.
Your life savings.
Uh, yes.
I see that it's in bill form.
I'd like to buy 500 shares of Animotion, Incorporated.
- [Beeps.]
- Okay.
Uh, now, before I execute this order are you sure you understand the risks of stock ownership? Absolutely.
We're in the money We're in the money [Roars.]
You heard the monkey.
Make the trade.
- [Beeps.]
- [Phone Line Rings.]
For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
- Animotion.
- Animotion, up one and one-half.
- Yahoo! - Yahoo, up six and a quarter.
Huh? What is this crap? Fox Broadcasting, down eight.
Sleep tight, my beloved.
You're my ticket out of this hellhole.
- Homer! - Sorry.
Our ticket out of this hellhole.
- Turning to the stock market, Animotion is up an eighth- - Yes! After plunging 75 points this morning.
I hope "plunging" means "up" and "75" means "200.
" The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy which is terrible news for the company's only stockholder, Homer Simpson.
Oh! - [Cowbell Ringing.]
- [Homer.]
Family meeting.
Family meeting.
Okay, people.
Let's keep this short.
We all want to get home to our families.
[All Laughing.]
All right.
First item.
I lost our life savings in the stock market.
Now let's move on to the real issue- Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles.
There, I said it.
Well, maybe if you ate some meat, you'd have a natural lubricant.
You lost all our money? Point of order.
I didn't lose all the money.
There was enough left for this cowbell.
Damn you, eBay! I have a great way to solve our money woes.
You rent your womb to a rich childless couple.
If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Are you crazy? I'm not gonna be a surrogate mother.
Come on, Marge.
We're a team.
It's "uter-us," not "uter-you.
" - Forget it.
- [Whimpers.]
You know, Homer, I got a great way to make money.
- I'm a human guinea pig.
- You mean like medical testing? Yeah.
Medical, military, chewin' stuff.
- Chewin' stuff? - Yeah.
Like you chew on a telephone wire till you get a shock.
Oh, right.
Yeah, but aren't those experiments dangerous? Ah, you get a few side effects.
- Are those ears? - Ow! Not so loud! Hmm.
First we'll test this experimental perfume on you.
It burns! It burns! [Screaming.]
We'll call it Desert Breeze.
## [Humming.]
That appetite suppressant is amazing.
Homer, you really have no desire to eat that food? Food? [Whimpers.]
I'm blind! [Screaming.]
Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind? - [Screaming Continues.]
- We'll let marketing worry about that.
- [Beeps.]
- D'oh! - [Beeps.]
- D'oh! Where did that rat come from? - He must have brought it in with him.
- Hmm.
- [Beeps.]
- Damn it! Man, is he dumb.
Where do they get these subjects? He's a little too well fed to be a wino.
- Hey.
What's that? - Zoom in on section eight.
- [Typing.]
- [Beeping.]
- Rotate 20 degrees.
- [Typing.]
- [Whirring.]
- [Beeping.]
[Both Gasp.]
Simpson, I'm afraid you have a crayon lodged in your brain.
There's a crayon in my brain? But I've had thousands of head X-rays.
How come no one ever noticed it before? Oh, I can answer that.
You see, whenever I pick up an X-ray, I always hold it like this.
My thumb must have covered up the crayon every time.
I'll show myself out.
Do you have any idea how this might have happened? Well, I'm not sure but it might have happened when I was six.
Sixteen! Whoo-hoo! Oh, I don't feel so good.
Ah, I think that's all of them.
Simpson, this could be responsible for your subnormal intelligence.
Hey, I came here to be drugged, electrocuted and probed, not insulted.
We could remove the crayon for you.
It could vastly increase your brainpower- or it could possibly kill you.
Increase my killing power, eh? Let's do it.
- [Car Approaches.]
- [Tires Screech.]
Oh, Homer, where have you been? I just underwent a procedure to increase my I.
Q 50 points.
- Really? - And they gave me this spiffy nerd ensemble too.
Do you feel smarter? Is the capital of North Dakota Bismarck? - It is.
- I don't believe it.
- Say something else smart.
- Dr.
Joyce Brothers may be well-known but her psychological credentials are highly suspect.
- It's true! - [Both Gasp.]
Now, who's up for a trip to the library tomorrow? Notice I no longer say "libary" or "tomorry.
" - I'd love to go to the library with you.
- It's a date.
Dad, did you read all these books today? Everything from Hop on Pop to Death Be Not Proud.
It's so tragic the way they hopped on Pop.
- I always dreamed you'd be my library buddy.
- Get out.
No, really.
I think books have an amazing power to bring people together.
Even Cletus is checking one out.
Now hold still.
Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris.
Ow! Dang it! Ow! - ## [Piano.]
- [Man.]
That sonata may not be a Glenn Gould performance but I must say it's "good as Gould.
" [Chuckles.]
Hey, Flanders.
Heading for church? Well, I thought I could save you a little time.
Ooh! Found a new shortcut.
I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there's no God.
We'll just see about tha- Uh-oh.
Well, maybe he made a mista- No.
It's airtight.
Can't let this little doozy get out.
[Whistling: "The Battle Hymn OfThe Republic".]
Welcome to the third lecture in our series on not putting things up your nose.
- Please welcome Homer Simpson.
- [Scattered Applause.]
I am here to give hope to the least of you because we all have a crayon up our nose.
Maybe it's not a crayon made of wax.
Maybe it's a crayon made of prejudice.
- Question.
- Yes, Nelson.
- A moron says what? - Not being a moron, I wouldn't know.
However- [Mumbles.]
- What? - Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron.
- [Groans.]
- [All.]
Ha-ha! You see? It's cool to be smart.
So be like me and use your minds.
Paint a painting, sing a song and dance a dance.
Thank you.
Unfortunately, due to budget cuts we are canceling art, music and dance.
Please evacuate the auditorium before it's bulldozed into a mini-mall.
[All Screaming.]
So, is that your usual coffee mug? - Yep.
- Hmm.
Looks a little bigger.
- It's not.
- ## [Humming.]
- What you mailing, Homer? - I've compiled a thorough safety report on this plant.
How come you're not giving it to Mr.
Burns? I've decided to disintermediate the local authorities and send it straight to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
And just in time.
Every day there's more skin on my pillow.
Yeah, it's nice to have someone with brains in this nuclear plant.
Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece.
- Comfy, isn't it? - Oh, yeah.
It provides the freedom and protection I so sorely need.
- [Chuckles.]
Yeah! - [Grunts.]
It seems the federales have been tipped off by an anonymous whistle-blower.
Now, while the plant is brought up to code - there will be massive layoffs.
- [All Gasp.]
That is to say, total layoffs.
Toodles! [Chattering Angrily.]
Way to put us out of work, genius.
I can't feed my family with a codpiece.
You can't hate me.
I'm your better! Your better! - Oh, you've really done it this time, dum-dum.
- [Whimpers.]
Burn, burn, burn! Burn, burn, burn! Effigy, eh? Yeah, nothing burns like an effigy.
Hey! That's me! Stop that.
The fire inspector would be appalled.
Don't tell me how to feel.
- So you all hate me? - That's right, brainiac.
You cost us our jobs, which we need for working! Not to mention driving to.
And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man.
A lot happier.
You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.
I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern.
- [Groans.]
- Power off, Einstein.
Lisa, why didn't you warn me? Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.
Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down.
In fact, I made a graph.
I make a lot of graphs.
Well, what gets you through the day? Oh, many things.
Tai chi, chai tea but I find when I can't keep the unhappy thoughts from swirling in my brain the best thing is usually a nice long walk.
A walk? That's a really good idea.
- Hmm? Hmm.
- [Tires Screech.]
[All Laughing.]
Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? [Together.]
I do.
One groom- Two grooms? But he- But you can't- Oh, my medication! [Groans.]
- Radical! - Is that your final answer? [All Laughing.]
I don't understand.
That wasn't funny.
Wait a minute.
Somebody's not laughing here.
- It's him.
- Hey.
Don't blame me.
This movie is tired and predictable.
- You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere.
- [All Gasp.]
I thought she'd wind up with that rich snob.
Ably played by Bill Paxton.
It's Bill Pullman, you fool! [Groans.]
- [Groaning.]
- Point out your plot holes elsewhere.
Is there no place for the man with the 105 I.
Q? [Monkeys Chittering.]
I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.
Change me back to the blissful boob I was! I'm sorry.
We don't play God here.
That's ridiculous.
You do nothing but play God.
And I think your "octo-parrot" would agree.
Polly shouldn't be.
What if we gave you the name of an unlicensed surgeon? Oh, that would be heaven.
Say- Moe Szyslak? [Moe's Voice.]
That's right.
I'm a surgeon.
So what do you want here? Uh, appendectomy, lipo or the sampler? - That's very popular.
- I want you to stick this crayon - into my brain.
- No problem.
The old "Crayola oblongata.
" Ah.
Now for a little powder blue.
Oh, no.
He wouldn't! All right.
Tell me when I hit the sweet spot.
Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner pusher! All right.
All right.
Defense! [Grunts Twice.]
Defense! [Grunts Twice.]
Uh, that's pretty dumb, but, uh- - Extended warranty? How can I lose? - Perfect.
Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Who wants lottery tickets? Okay.
It's in his brain.
Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way.
- We were what-what in the what-what? - [Groans.]
Which reminds me, I need a sandwich.
- Hey.
What's this? - I don't know.
Must be something I wrote before Moe fixed me.
"Lisa, I'm taking the coward's way out.
"But before I do, I just want you to know being smart made me appreciate how amazing you really are.
" Oh, Dad.
Oh, you want a hug.
Well, that I know how to do.
- [Grunts.]
- Mmm.
[Homer Munching.]
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!
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