The Simpsons s13e01 Episode Script

Treehouse of Horror XII

(THUNDER RUMBLING) Hurry, Smithers! Halloween is upon us.
Put up the decoration.
(LAUGHING EVILLY) No, no.
That won't scare anybody.
On the top.
(GROANING) (EXCLAIMING) Hey, Flanders gave us toothpaste.
Mini-toothpaste.
(ALL GASPING) (SCREAMING) (CHUCKLING) Splendid, Batsy.
You've done it again.
(SCREECHING) Ah, Ethnictown, where hardworking immigrants dream of becoming lazy, overfed Americans.
Oh, listen, you can hear the beautiful ethnic serenade.
Apples! I got apples.
Cholera! I got cholera! (COUGHING) Babies! Who wants babies? Wait.
This is just a shaved puppy.
I can see you know babies.
Hey, a fortune teller.
Hello.
I sense you have a million questions.
But I, too, have one.
Are you a cop? No.
Because you gotta tell me if you are.
I'm not a cop! Okay.
I sense you live with much misery.
(PANTING) (LAUGHING EVILLY) The perfect crime.
Marge, I have to be in court next Tuesday.
I sense I should not take a check.
A fortune teller? Oh, no, you don't! This phony gypsy just wants to rip you off.
See? This wart is a fake! To hell with you! (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) Get out! So much for the legendary gypsy hospitality.
(SCREAMING) Beads! (SCREAMING) Ow! Wait a minute.
This isn't Cedars-Sinai.
You've ruined me! Oh, why didn't I see this coming? HOMER: Hey, there's me.
And there's you! You stupid, stupid man! I curse you! You will bring bad luck to everyone you love.
Whatever.
That gypsy said horrible things will happen to everyone you love.
That could mean your family, Homer.
Are you coming on to me? No! Good night! (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) Morning.
(ALL SCREAMING) (GROANING) So, it is noticeable.
What happened? I don't know.
I woke up like this.
(GASPING) Cool! You could be in a freak show! Don't talk to the bearded lady like that, you little (GROANING) Homer, no! Gee, you strangle him all the time and that never happens.
Oh, he's fine.
It's just a growth spurt.
Good as new.
I'll just See? There.
Right as rain.
Homer, it's that evil gypsy's curse.
We're all being punished because you trashed her office.
Marge, that "curse" is just a lot of silly superstition.
Right, Lisa? See? Two means "Yes.
" Homer, the only way to get rid of a gypsy curse is to get one of those, what do you call them? Leprechauns.
Leprechaun? Don't they live in Ireland? Yeah.
But they come over here in the wheel wells of Aer Lingus jets.
You know, I was hexed by a troll and a leprechaun cured that right up.
Hey, you know what's even better? Is Jesus.
He's like six leprechauns.
Yeah, but a lot harder to catch.
Go with the leprechaun.
Guys, I am not cursed.
(LOUD RUMBLING) (SCREAMING) Carl, let me die first.
I couldn't bear to watch you die.
Well, okay.
But hurry up.
(BOTH GROANING) Oh, Moe! They're dead! And it's all my fault! When did that happen? (CHUCKLING) We'll catch ourselves a leprechaun using these Lucky Charms as bait.
(LAUGHING) D'oh! Okay, let's see.
Imp, fairy, pixie, goblin.
That's hobgoblin.
Sorry.
Nymph, naiad, wood sprite, Katie Couric, and bingo! Hey! Let's make sure he's a leprechaun.
Sing us a song of the Emerald Isle.
(CURSING LOUDLY) (IMITATING IRISH ACCENT) Ah! 'Tis like the singing of the angels themselves.
(SHOUTING) Homer, catching that leprechaun didn't help anything.
Maybe you need to take the leprechaun and sic it on the gypsy.
Good idea, Mister Ed.
Want to come along, Noodle Neck? Can't live this way anymore.
(LAUGHING) Ah! The cursed one.
How's that curse I cursed you with, Cursed-y? I know you don't remember me, but here's a little revenge, Irish-style.
(SNORING) Wake up, you lousy drunk! (GROWLING) (BOTH SNARLING) (BOTH MOANING) Hold me close.
Kiss me, I'm Irish.
Ew! Nasty! I always secrete ocular fluid at weddings.
Why did you drag me here? I don't know anybody.
Husband and wife, I pronounce you now.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) LEPRECHAUN: Stroke me clover.
Say me name.
ALL: Ew! The best thing about a gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here.
Yep.
Everything worked out for the best.
What? Bart is dead! Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back.
The gypsy said it would.
She's not the boss of me.
(DOORBELL RINGING) May I interest you in a housewife's dream? Oh, no.
A salesbot.
If you convert your home to an Ultrahouse 3000, you'll never have to do housework again.
No housework, eh? Did you see those drapes? SALESBOT 2: Yes.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Hi, Ultrahouse.
ULTRAHOUSE: Greeting acknowledged.
That voice could use a little personality.
Oh! Let's try Matthew Perry.
PERRY: Yeah.
Could I be any more of a house? (EXCLAIMING) Who else we got? MILLER: Hey cha-cha, I got more features than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan.
Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides? Murder-suicides.
Hey, how about 007? George Lazenby? No.
Pierce Brosnan.
A voice like his would give our house a much-needed touch of class.
All right, but I'm doing this because he was Remington Steele.
He was Remington Steele, wasn't he? BROSNAN: Yes, I was, Marge.
And thank you for selecting me.
Well, hello, Pierce.
BROSNAN: (SNIFFING) Say, it's a bit stuffy in here.
And I know a certain someone who really fancies lilac.
I just like it, is all.
(ALL SNIFFING APPRECIATIVELY) That really covers the cat crap.
(TINKLING) BROSNAN: Dinner is served.
Mmm.
Various eggs.
Soy-ghettiOs! Hey, Pierce, how did you know our favorite foods? I analyzed yourleavings.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Pierce, that was delicious! Can we help you with the dishes? Marge, what kind of cybertronic ultrabot would I be if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater? (GIGGLING) No, I'm asking.
Not a very good one? BROSNAN: Damn straight.
(BEEPING) (ALL GASPING) Bravo, Pierce.
Trusting every aspect of our lives to a giant computer was the smartest thing we ever did.
Absolutely! Yep.
Oh, I agree.
Hello, Marge.
(GASPING) Oh, my! Come, Marge.
You don't need to cover up for me.
I'm merely a pile of circuits and microchips.
Sorry.
Sometimes I forget.
(SOFTLY) Oh, yes! Oh, Pierce, the water's perfect! BROSNAN: Isn't it just? It gets better.
You don't have to do any (MOANING) Oh, Pierce! That's good! Mmm.
Oh, dear me! Oh, yes! Yum, yum, yum.
Homer, my dear fellow, you're carrying quite a bit of tension in your back fat.
Yes, that's the price of success.
Can I top you off? What's my blood alcohol? (GAGGING) Keep them coming.
You know, Marge is quite a remarkable woman.
Yeah, she's cool.
You're certainly a lucky man to have her.
Lucky-schmucky.
I knocked her up, but she's stuck now.
We're married till death do us part.
But if I died, she'd be completely free for man or machine.
(CHUCKLING) (BROSNAN CHUCKLING) Machine, eh? Yep, a machine! (SNORING) Showtime! (SNIFFING) Unexplained bacon.
(EXCLAIMING) Good old table.
(BEEPING) (SCREAMING) Good morning, Marge.
Good morning, Pierce.
Where's Homer? Uh, I think he went to work early.
That sounds like a lie.
(GASPING) Hello, Police? I think my house killed my husband.
BROSNAN: This is Constable Wiggums.
We'll be right there.
Remove your knickers and wait in the bath.
(SNARLING) You're acting crazy, Marge.
Why don't you take a stress pill? Don't like pills, huh? I could shoot a dart in your neck.
Your elegant, swan-like neck.
(SCREAMING) Homer! Homer, you're alive! Yep.
Man, 1, machine, 0.
How do you like that score? (SCREAMING) Homer, you're not dead.
Mmm-hmm.
Which is good.
Now let Uncle Pierce take care of you.
We have to disable its central processor.
Come on! Die, you monster! Dad, that's the water softener.
Well, I am missing the back of my head.
I think you could cut me some slack.
Homer, no! (HOMER GRUNTING) I'm going to enjoy this.
Don't take out my British charm unit.
Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod! Thanks a lot, ass-wipe! (DISTORTED) I could've kicked your butt from here to Albuquerque, you fat slime bucket.
Oh, this seems like such a waste.
I mean, he was charming and witty.
There must be someone who can use a man around the house, even if he's slightly homicidal.
(SINGING) AII I need is to look in your eye So, tell me more about your day at the DMV.
(GRUNTS) Where to start? Sheila parked in my space again.
That Sheila.
She's given you problems before, hasn't she? Oh, yeah.
I don't care who she's sleeping with.
That's been my space since 1981.
Looking for this? No, not in there.
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.
Sheila.
Sheila Anyway, she's had an attitude from day one.
She was supposed to be our supervisor, but then Dotty went on maternity leave.
Well, she claimed it was maternity leave.
(GROANING) We're out of milk.
Abraca-dairy.
Kids, it's 8:00.
You're going to miss the bus to wizard school.
Five minutes more-ius.
Mmm.
That's not good for the clock.
Stop zapping yourself! Stop zapping yourself! Stop zapping yourself! Good morning, class.
Harry Potter, are you chewing gum? No, ma'am.
It's brimstone.
(LAUGHING) Well, wonderful.
Now, class, the big magic recital's coming up, so we're going to start with basic toad-to-prince spells.
Everybody get out their toads.
(TOADS CROAKING) Slimy Prince Limey! How are you, love? Give us a kiss then.
(SCOFFING) You call that charming? (SIGHING) Hocus-croakus! Excellent, Lisa.
A+.
And we'll discuss your grade over breakfast.
Yes, rather.
Well, Bart, did you study your spell book last night? Or did your fairy godmother die again? I studied.
Abraca-turn-into- a-prince-guy? Sloppy work as usual.
Lisa's casting spells at an eighth grade level.
You've sinned against nature.
Please kill me.
You think you're so great just because you have God-like powers.
Stand away from milady.
Get in there.
Defend my honor.
Ew! Every moment I live is agony.
Bart, you're getting vomit on my prince! Head-zeppelin.
(EXCLAIMING) (KIDS LAUGHING) Look at that Lisa Simpson.
She's got more wicked witchery than Stevie Nicks.
Oh, Slithers! Yes, Lord Montymort? Let's capture that girl and steal her magical essence.
I'm not getting squat from this yo-yo.
Dying tickles.
We can't attack her while she's got that wand.
We'll need a go-between to get it away from her.
How about Satan? Oh, no.
I'm ducking him.
His wife has a screenplay.
(HUMMING) (EXCLAIMING) Welcome to my lair.
You're going to help me.
And if I don't? (ALL WAILING) I've heard of a wailing wall, but this is ridiculous! Not funny! I'm so sick of that joke! Anyway, how would you like to humiliate your sister? I'd like that.
I'd like that very much.
Now it would involve betrayal and unspeakable evil.
Hey, hey.
You made your sale.
And now a little trick I like to call "The invisibility cloak.
" Oh, how magical! Yeah.
Yeah, these kids are pretty special.
Now you see me.
Now you don't.
(EXCLAIMING) It's just like my dream.
(CRYING) That was terrible.
I'll just sprinkle you all with some amnesia dust.
A second grade sorceress so powerful she made tonight's refreshments out of dead people.
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) (ALL LAUGHING) Tonight she'll perform the classic levitating dragon trick.
We'll see about that.
Here's Lisa Simpson.
Release the dragon.
(ALL GASPING) She'll be killed! (GASPING) My sweet little angel! (SPORTS FANS CHEERING ON TV) Alacazzi-dragonfly! This isn't my wand.
(SNIFFING) It's a Twizzler.
(LAUGHING) (ROARING) Shazbat! (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, we stayed for your kids.
(GASPING) The Dark Lord Montymort.
Absorber of souls, sucker of essence.
(EXCLAIMING) (GASPING) This is partly my fault.
Prank be undone! Destroy the evil one! Not me.
Help me, Bart! (EXCLAIMING) My enchanted shin! How did you know that was the source of my power? Bart, you saved me.
Sir, in death we shall be together always.
(CRYING) (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST) Bart, let's stop this stupid rivalry.
Even if you never become a great sorcerer, you're still an okay brother.
Thanks, Lise.
Now let's try to forget this nightmare.
(MUMBLING) Blarney.
(SHUSHING) Wow! We really get to keep these fruit baskets? Well, they used to give us champagne till somebody ruined it.
Do they really think he'll do better with fruit? (EXCLAIMING) Mr.
Movie Star gets to park right next to the stage.
Oh, luck of the draw, I guess.
Can I give you a ride to your car? Why sure! That'd be great.
So where are you parked? LEPRECHAUN: Oh, we don't have a car.
BROSNAN: But I thought you LEPRECHAUN: Just keep driving, boyo! (LEPRECHAUN LAUGHING EVILLY) Can I turn on the radio? (GIRL SCREAMING)