The Simpsons s13e19 Episode Script

The Sweetest Apu

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (CHILDREN CLAMORING) Manjula, why did you bring the octuplets to work? This is supposed to be our special time together.
Some special time.
I get to stand around watching you sell fatty poisons to overfed Americans.
You'd think that would deter me, but no.
Look.
Please, can you just take the children home? The porno magazine buyers are too embarrassed to make their move.
Look.
(WHISTLING) Come on.
All right.
Let's go, children.
Cleanup in all the aisles.
(GROANING) Welcome, steady customer.
I see you are ready for the Civil War reenactment.
I need some supplies.
A keg of beer and a six-pack to hold me until I tap the keg.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Are you sure you don't want to come? In a Civil War reenactment, we need lots of Indians to shoot.
I don't know which part of that sentence to correct first.
But I cannot come.
I work 22 hours a day and then I go home to a wife who will not touch me.
The Indian rope trick has become the Indian nope trick.
(EXCLAIMING) (GASPING) The Squishee Lady! Oh, my God.
I know you must get this all the time, but can I suggest a flavor? Go ahead.
Grape.
Mmm.
Hello, Annette.
How's life, handsome? Oh, take a penny, leave a penny.
Hey, she called me "handsome.
" She likes you.
Put in a good word for grape.
Come on, guys! We're gonna be late! Okay, okay.
Don't go Mary Todd on us.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Come on, Barney.
If you're gonna be General Grant, you have to have a drink.
Yeah, but I'm a recovering alcoholic, so One drink won't hurt.
(EXCLAIMING) Hey, you're right.
I was afraid it would start me drinking again, but it didn't! Mmm-hmm.
The second battle of Springfield was fought by the North, the South, and the East (MEN MURMURING) to keep Springfield in, out of, and next to the Union, respectively.
Now, the actual battle was fought over there where that man is standing, but he won't move, so we'll do it here.
Very good.
And now, let the battle be joined.
(PEOPLE YELLING) Bang, bang.
Pow, pow.
Hit with stick.
Hit with stick.
Die, you bastard.
(NEIGHING) Whoa.
Whoa, damn it.
For me, the war is over! This battlefield is rife with inaccuracy.
You, dead people, stop playing cards! And Stonewall Jackson, stop rollerblading! (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) (EXCLAIMING) The South will boogie again! (GRUNTING) This was supposed to be a mock battle! Mock! Don't worry.
I'm just gonna drain the area around your wound.
So cold.
So cold.
(GUNS FIRING) (GUNS FIRING) BROKAW: We are gathered here this Memorial Day to once again honor you World War II veterans.
Truly, you are the greatest generation.
Keep it coming, Brokaw! Lauding your legacy is a labor of love.
You're damn right, it is! You can't thank us enough! Every generation stinks but ours! (PEOPLE HOOTING) Uh-oh.
Sounds like America's enemies are at it again.
Greatest generation to the rescue! And when I come back, I want a foot rub! Yes, master.
General, I hereby surrender.
Ow! Not the pointed end, you dumbass! (PEOPLE YELLING) Reinforcements! (ALL CHEERING) Tanks? Oh, this is just too inaccurate.
Well, then you're definitely not going to like my steam-powered super spider.
With the stepping and the squishing and the webs made of nylon.
FRINK: The nylon has been released! Now, you just take the kids home.
I've gotta return this keg.
Are you sure you can get your deposit back? It's in pretty bad shape.
Why do you always take the side of local merchants? Now, Apu, when you gave me this keg, it had dents.
And here's proof.
Hey.
Apu? (WOMAN GIGGLING) (MUTTERING) That giggle is none of my business, or is it? (WOMAN MOANING) APU: Squishee Lady, you've had less than eight kids, haven't you? Haven't you? (APU AND ANNETTE GIGGLING) (GROANING) (APU AND ANNETTE MOANING) Please do the Hindu that you do so well.
(CHUCKLING) Avert your eyes, eunuch.
(BOTH MOANING) (SCREAMING) What's a eunuch? "Unique Unite" (SCREAMING) Homie, what's wrong? Nothing.
Nothing.
There's nothing eating me up inside.
Oh.
It must be something big.
Hmm.
Something you did? No! Something you saw? (GASPING) Apu is having an affair? I know.
Can you believe it? Oh, Manjula's just gonna die! How did you find out? In my role as customer, I saw the whole thing.
Oh, this is so awkward.
Today's the day we play badminton with them.
Oh, I hope no one makes any double entendres.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Oh, Apu, you keep scoring while my back is turned.
(BOTH GROANING) Are you sure you're not cheating? (GROANING) Now, Manjula, do you want me to find another partner? No! No, no, let's just keep playing.
What's the score? Dirty love.
I mean 30-love! I mean, anyone for penis? (GROANING) I'll just get the shuttlecock.
Oh! (CRYING) Here, guys.
Why don't we play this? (ETHNIC MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING GIBBERISH) Marge, why are you crying? You're not in any physical pain, the only kind of pain a man can understand.
We have to do something to save that marriage.
(SIGHING) Maybe I should just tell Manjula.
Or you could talk to Apu.
He already knows.
Let's tell Krusty.
What would that accomplish? That guy's hilarious.
His reaction would be priceless.
HOMER: Apu is cheating.
That's sad.
All those kids.
I think he's building to something.
So anyway, if you take that bottle down and pass it around I know.
I know.
There will be 47 bottles of beer on the wall.
Yes.
Homer, you did not bring me here for this.
What is it that you want to tell me? Okay.
This isn't easy, so I'm just gonna come out and say it.
Let's say this pepper got married to this salt shaker, and along comes sexy Mrs.
Dash.
Homie, it's Have you told him yet? A girl in the bar! What do we do? Watch and learn, you dinks.
Ma'am.
Is there something you want to tell me? I saw you and that Squishee Lady canoodling like junkyard rabbits! (EXCLAIMING) It's true.
It only happened once, but I am so ashamed.
I am scum.
(CRYING) Yes, you are scum.
What do you think I should do? Tell that woman it's over between you and her.
Yes.
First thing in the morning, I promise.
Hey, Marge, you care for a tropical drink? Sure.
(SNIFFING) Is that Windex? It's Windelle.
I can't afford Windex.
(SIGHING) Okay, Apu, be strong.
Before you measure my syrup levels, I must talk to you.
While you talk, I'm just gonna help myself to some licorice rope.
As much as I enjoy your company, and I truly do, I must insist that from this point forward, we not Oh, my goodness! What are you doing? (GROANING) Whoa, ha-mahatama, hatama, hatama, hatama, hatama, hatama, hatama.
Not tonight.
I said not tonight.
Wait, something's wrong.
Why aren't you pressuring me for sex? Oh, I'm just happy to lie here appreciating and respecting you.
Okay, Buster, what is going on? Nothing! How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity? I am so angry, I could just, I could fall asleep! I (SNORING) completely innocent.
(GASPING) Apu! Come here a moment! This better be good because you are interrupting my faithfulness Oh, boy.
I took the tape out of the store surveillance camera.
Look.
ANNETTE: Oh, Apu, scratch and win! APU: Mmm! That's good adultery! (WHIMPERING) Oh, I am so sorry, Manjula.
Oh! Get out of my home, Apu! (ALL HISSING) (SIGHING) I always thought karma was baloney, but not anymore.
Caramel baloney.
Hey, Kirk Van Houten.
I live across the way.
If you don't like losing at cribbage, stay out of my place.
Okay.
No, no! I'll let you win.
I'll let you win.
God, I'm really lonely.
Welcome back to Inside The Actors Studio.
We've met Rainier Wolfcastle, actor, novelist, barbecue sauce spokesman.
Now can we meet McBain? Let me get into character.
Okay, I'm McBain.
All right, Mendoza! I'll give you the Maxwell Circuit if you put down my daughter.
(EXCLAIMS) It's a pleasure to eat your lead, good sir.
Kids, we want to talk to you about something.
You might hear from your friends or co-workers that Apu isn't living at home anymore.
I just wish there was something we could do.
Oh.
Oh, Homer, are you thinking what I'm thinking? You bet I am.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) You can run, but you can't glide! USA! USA! Tonight, we invite both Manjula and Apu for dinner, but we don't tell them the other one's coming.
And Krusty.
We gotta invite Krusty.
I keep telling you, off-camera, he's a desperately unhappy man.
But if we remind Apu and Manjula of why they fell in love, maybe they can work out their problems.
Yeah! 'Cause if they don't (IMITATING LASER BLASTS) Manjula, we've got a special guest for you.
Is it my husband's whore? Even better! This is going great! Look who's here! It's this thing! I am Ganesh, your god.
I am truly screwed.
I order you to get back together or I'll suck your blood! Blah, blah! LISA: Bart, stick to the script.
Don't be a jerk.
You're the jerk.
You're the jerk! (BOTH GROANING) I know you have all gone to a lot of trouble to meddle in my affairs, but you cannot change my mind with one night of blasphemy and store-bought tandoori.
Or should I say blandoori? (GASPING) (CRYING) Manjula, please.
I have known we were meant to be together ever since my mother forced me to marry you.
If you give me another chance, I'll do anything to make it up to you.
Mmm.
Come here, you.
These are divorce papers! Consider yourself served! Hey, pally.
Where do you want the Fudge Mahal? Uh, we didn't order that.
HOMER: (WHISPERING) Can I lick your fingers? Meet me at the mail slot.
I have to warn you, Apu does not have very much money.
Are you absolutely sure? Because legally, I am allowed to shake him by the ankles and see what falls out.
It's established in the case of Lawyers v.
Justice.
(CHUCKLING) That was a wonderful day for us.
(MUTTERING) Now, we have eight children.
Will that affect the settlement? (LAUGHING) Perhaps.
(HUMMING) No offense, but you remind me of the monkey man who slaughtered my family's chickens.
Yes.
I get that a lot.
I have to think all of this over.
I still have feelings for Apu.
I understand.
Who is Apu? The face of divorce is not as beautiful as I had hoped.
Perhaps there is another way.
When will you humans learn that your feelings, as you call them, can stand in the way of big cash payoffs? (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (HUMMING) Manjula, come quick! The octuplets said their first words.
Mommy Will You Let Daddy Come Back? Cookie! Oh.
They miss their father.
Are you sure you don't want to take him back? Well, I do, but I don't want him to think that I am a doormat.
I need payback! All right! Girls night out! Exotic male dancers at the Golden Banana! No.
I want him to suffer.
Oh.
Well, when Homer does something wrong, I write a list of ways he can make it up to me.
Then I shred the list and put it in his food.
All right.
We will write a list.
At the Golden Banana? No! Oh.
Over, under, round and round so your feet won't touch the ground.
Now let's see what awaits me in the next life.
First I was a tiger, a snake, a clod, a goat with a hat, then me.
A tapeworm, then assistant to Lorne Michaels! It's going to be a rough couple of lifetimes.
Manjula! Oh, Apu, you are such a Brahma queen.
Have you come to forgive me? I am willing to take you back Really? Provided you complete these tasks.
"Number one, break up with Squishee girl.
" Well, that's a no-brainer.
"Number two, lose weight.
"Number three, get cartoon published in New Yorker.
"Number four, legally change name to Slime Q.
Slimedog.
"Number five, wear nametag that says same.
" I know a great nametag place.
They do fabulous work.
It's where I got this.
So our relationship is over, is that what you're saying? Yes, I'm afraid so.
Well, we had fun.
Hey, Apu, I think she likes you.
(GROANS) This Squishee's awful.
I only sell Smooshies now.
Squishees reminded me of my misdeeds.
My Smooshie tastes like a shopping bag.
(COUGHING) Mine tastes like dog fur! Yes, but look at the deliveryman.
He is hideous.
Oh, a challenge! (WHOOPING) Wait a minute! This isn't on the list! It's been on my list for a long time! Not bad, eh? I bought the issue for Richard Avedon's pictures of Lenny.
"Eliza, where the devil are my slippers?" Bravo! Bravo! "My Fair Lady performed with all-octuplet cast.
" Done.
HOMER: Good show! Yeah! MARGE: Yeah! It was magic.
He took a Cockney flower girl and turned her into My Fair Lady.
I liked all the roles filled by minority actors.
Why, I didn't even notice.
Apu, you have completed the list.
You may now move back with your family and your never-ending disgrace.
Wait, wait! You forgot to eat a light bulb.
Thank you very much, you big fat blabbermouth! I Sorry, sorry.
It's been a rough month.
Here you go.
Don't worry, I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.
(BOTH SIGHING) So, back in the old bed.
I never realized it was so wide.
Yes, back to our marital closeness.
Maybe we can't rush things.
Oh, Apu, I want us to be a family again.
But it will take some time.
We will know when it feels right again.
Whenever you are ready.
(BOTH MOANING)