The Simpsons s14e18 Episode Script

Dude, Where's My Ranch?

The Simpsons Dude, Where's My Ranch? D'oh! Ah! Silver bells, silver bells It's Christmas time in the city Oh, that is like so moving.
Yo, family, isn't that beautiful? Mm-hm.
Walking in a winter wonderland Exquisite.
Just exquisite.
Makes me wish I hadn't released the hounds.
- Should I call them off, sir? - No, no.
It's their Christmas too.
Have a nice Christmas Have a nice Christmas Have a nice Christmas Non-Christian friend That's even worse than "I'm Dreaming of a Whitefish Christmas.
" For this, I tied my bathrobe? Just hear those sleigh bells jingling Cease and desist.
You are forbidden to perform that song without paying - royalties to the owner.
- Nobody owns Christmas carols.
They belong to everyone, like grapes at the grocery store.
Not true.
But you are welcome to sing the many public domain carols such as "O Tannenbaum," "Good King Wenceslas" "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring.
" Those suck.
They're worse than nothing.
I could write way better songs.
But don't use A-flat or G-natural.
Those are owned by Disney.
- Oh.
- That's A-flat.
- Oh! - That's better.
That's it.
I'm writing a Christmas carol.
If I can make my own clothes, I can do anything.
Christmas in December Whoa, whoa, whoa Give me tons of presents Now, now, now - Homer.
Writing a new Christmas carol? - Maybe.
Well, the Bible says it's fun to do stuff together.
There's a stranger In the manger and his name is love Take it, Homer.
Oh, I got it.
You want me to stay out here and work on the chorus.
Flanders, I am a patient, reasonable, handsome man.
But even I have my limits.
Now, beat it.
Why, thank you, Homer.
with that stupid jerk bothering me all the time and? Wait a minute.
- Everybody in the U.
- Hates their stupid neighbor He's Flanders And he's really, really lame Flanders tried to wreck my song His views on birth control are wrong I hate his guts And Flanders is his name F-L-A-N-R-D-S He's the man thatl hate best I'd like to see his house go up in flame Excuse me.
I've been researching indigenous folk music of Springfield.
I couldn't help overhearing your delightfully cruel hate song.
David Byrne? Singer, artist, composer, director, Talking Head? Singer, artist, composer, director, Talking Head? And I used to wrestle under the name El Diablo.
- I thought that was Philip Glass.
- Yeah, he wishes.
Hey, mister, if you like my song so much, would you like to buy a tape? - It's already rewound.
- No, thanks.
But I would like to sing it with you and produce it.
Ugh, fine.
- F-L-A - His name is Ned - E-R-S - That's a stupid name He's worse than Frankenstein Or Dr.
No You can't upset him even slightly He just smiles and nods politely Then goes home and worships nightly His Leftorium is an emporium of woe F-L-A - Don't yell at Ned D-E-R - His wife is dead Everybody hates that stupid jerk Springfield rocks With Homer's joyous loathing Filling clubs with angry Valentinos You don't have to move your feet Just hate Flanders to the disco beat He's your perky, peppy Nightmare neighborino If you despise polite left-handers Then I doubt you'll like Ned Flanders Or his creepy little offspring Rod and Todd - That's us.
- Hurray! F-L-A - His name is Ned - E-R-S - He's so white bread The smiling, mustached geek Who walks with God Mass dismissed.
Hey, what are we gonna wear tomorrow? We're halfway through our same song six-pack.
- Now let's hear - William Shatner's version of "Everybody Hates Ned Flanders.
" - Ah.
- Another cover? My God, let it die.
Everybody in the U.
Hates their stupid neighbor He's the Flanders man, the Flanders man Flanders - I am so sick of that song.
- Ugh, me too.
I've come to hate my own creation.
Now I know how God feels.
Why don't we take a vacation and get away from that song for a while? Why don't we take a vacation and get away from that song for a while? Well, I guess we could afford one nice trip.
I still think you should've left that at the motel.
What? It said "take one.
" "Balloon Ride," "Wax Museum," "The Denzel Washington Monument" "Colonial Phoenix.
" Hey, dude ranch.
And there's no radio or TV so we won't have to hear your song.
Or we could go to Walter Gropius' Bauhaus Village.
And fight the crowds? Forget it.
The Simpsons are going to Bart's idea.
This dude ranch is gonna be great.
A whole week without hearing that stupid song.
You won't think it's stupid when you hear the extended salsa mix.
Watch it, Mr.
You'll slip on the simonize.
Simonize? Whoa, whoa! - Can you take me to the hospital? - Yeah, no problem.
Wasn't that the hospital? - Uh, you ever see the movie Misery? - Actually, no.
Then this'll all be new to you.
Welcome to the Lazy I Ranch where we give you a week of rustic ranch living.
- Do you have an Internet connection? - Internet? Son, the only Internet connection we got is a dedicated DSL port in the business center.
Or you could patch in through the smart fridge in your cabin.
Hmm, if said fridge is smart, it will be filled with Hot Pockets and bologna by the time I get there.
"On this battleground in 1881, and four brave Americans lost their hats.
" Those poor hats.
This whole ranch is appalling.
It's built on a legacy of cruelty to animals and oppression of indigenous people.
Just our way of making y'all feel welcome.
- You're not listening.
- I never do.
Yee-haw! I'll show you how they get on a horse where I come from.
- Daddy, I need upsies.
- Coming, sweetie.
- Huh.
Well, he sure shut us up.
- Mm-hm.
Yee-haw! I really don't wanna do a lot of flip-de-loops.
No problem.
You can hop on the chuck wagon with Cookie here.
Pleased to meet you.
Have a tooth.
Hey, Crabby Hayes, get with the program.
I'm sick of this horse slapping and cow taunting.
I'm going to my room.
Hold it right there.
Mama rattlesnake would be mighty sore if you scrambled her young'un.
- Luke Stetson, junior wrangler.
- I'm Lisa Simpson.
And you're the first person I've met here who cares about our animal equals.
Well, if you like animals, you won't wanna disappoint that pony over there.
She's just aching to show you around.
I'm sure she'd be happier without someone sitting on her back all day.
Sorry you're not interested because I need somebody to help me hang these "No Hunting" and "Free Tibet" signs.
That was a delicious meal, Cookie.
- What do we do with our garbage? - Leave it for Cleanie.
My precious.
Would you like to be photographed in my great-grandfather's headdress? He unified the nations of the western plains.
Five dollars or three for 12.
Can you shoot one where I'm Rambo and my wife is Betty Boop? You mean package B.
And this is supposed to save our marriage? I thought you guys lived off the land.
How come you're selling junk to jerks like us? Used to live and farm in a bountiful valley.
Then the river was dammed to make that lake by our ancient enemy, the beaver.
Why don't you just chase the beavers away? Unfortunately, the beaver is also our god.
In retrospect, it was a poor choice.
You people are guests in our country.
And the beaver have no right to treat you that way.
If I get back your land, will you promise to build a casino on it? Sure.
And when we do, your breakfast will be comped.
How many decks will your blackjack dealers use? - Eight.
- Three.
- Four.
- Deal.
My brother.
Wow! Oh, Luke.
I didn't gasp like that until I was 18.
All right, son, we just knock over this dam and the noble Native Americans can reclaim the land that is theirs.
No! I wanted to die choking on food.
I'll save you.
So long, suckers! Ha, ha.
Aah! Aah! Stop shoving.
The little one isn't getting any.
Aah! Thanks for making me feel better about this place, Luke.
Lisa, this here's the New West where we respect our equine and bovine Americans.
Uh, well, maybe we should just mosey on over this way.
Ah! Free range my ass.
Tonight you're gonna be swimming next to a matzo ball.
I think maybe we should just look at the clouds.
- Well, ain't that pretty.
- Oh, it looks like a happy sheep.
Oh, damn it.
Shucks, Lisa.
You sure have taken a shine to that cowpoke.
- Mom, why are you talking like that? - Don't rightly know.
I just soaked up the lingo like a biscuit in a bucket full of gopher gravy.
I'll stop now.
Well, I like it here too.
Luke has shown me the gentle side of the Old West.
He's really sophisticated for a 13-year-old.
Thir-what-year-old? Lisa, you're only 8.
But when he's 23, I'll be 18.
Lisa, you don't know what you'll want in the future.
I didn't marry the first boy I Well, I did, but you shouldn't.
Ha, ha.
Wanna play a little longer? It's only 10 and the moon is awful big.
Well, heck, you should see it when it's full.
Oh, no.
They're making beautiful music together.
Let's see.
Move that there.
Do a flanking maneuver there.
Wind should be coming in from the south.
Time it to coincide with beaver holiday.
This map is useless.
Homie, I'm worried about how fast our kids are growing up.
It's beef hormones and the fluorescent lights.
- What are you gonna do? - They're already acting like teenagers.
Lisa's with that boy, and look at Maggie.
Oops! I did it again I played with your heart Got lost in the game Oh baby, baby Look, Cookie.
There's a dance tonight.
A dance? A dance? Whew.
I'm pooped.
I'm going to bed.
Bed? Alrighty, I'll see you tonight.
And I'll save you the first dance.
Love you too, Clara.
Clara? He's got a girlfriend.
I feel like such an idiot.
Hey, bottom bunk's mine.
Keep going.
I can't believe Luke has another gal.
"My name is Clara.
I've known Luke for more than five days.
" Excuse me.
Is this the way to the Lazy I Ranch? Yeah, it sure is.
But a quicker way to the ranch is that shortcut.
Thanks, darling.
See you at the dance.
I look forward to it.
I hate you.
Oh, boy.
Check it out, beavers.
Delicious motel furniture.
They took the bait.
Let's go.
We forgot to empty the minibar.
Ah! That's a $17 deck of cards.
Let it go, Dad.
Find the master log.
There's always a master log.
We did it.
Finally, man has triumphed over a small furry animal.
Treaty, treaty, treaty, bill, treaty Peace Pipe Aficionado magazine.
Thank you.
You have restored our village and our way of life.
We would like to make you honorary members of our tribe.
Drink deep from these cups.
The bear urine will make you strong.
- Actually, it's Fresca.
- Fresca? Well, grab your partner And start swinging them Don't forget the two-drink minimum Take your corner by the hand Get adult videos on demand Flash your teeth, let's see those smiles Pay with Visa, earn free miles Yee-haw! - Dang it.
Clara should be here by now.
- I'm sure she's just running late.
Or she's not coming because she doesn't understand how special you are.
That sure don't sound like my sister.
Sister? You mean she's not your girlfriend? Hell, no.
They outlawed that in this state two years ago.
Need help.
Come with me.
Done something terrible.
Don't care.
Just totally caught in the moment.
I have some sad news for y'all.
After this dance, I'm heading to jail.
One of my stray bullets hit a Texas Ranger.
But I'll be back in six months.
Yee-haw! Blanks.
They just don't feel the same.
So I sent Luke's sister down the wrong trail and Hey, where did all this water come from? There used to be a trail here.
And there used to be a beaver dam there.
Who are you, the "used to" police? Unh! Unh! Help! Help me.
I can't swim.
I'm one lesson short.
How can we get across? Hey, beavers, remember me, you buck-toothed nerds? Run across.
I'm sorry.
I only sent you the wrong way because I thought you were Luke's girlfriend.
Well, that certainly justifies attempted murder.
You know, there are more important things in this world than boys.
- And when Hello, handsome.
- What's up, cootie breath? Look at those stupid city slickers with their fur coats and pointy hats.
Homer, those are elk.
I still hate them.
Go back to Grosse Pointe.
Lisa, Clara told me about how you saved her last night.
- Did Clara tell you anything else? - No.
Just that she felt mighty stupid for getting herself lost in them woods.
Listen, Luke.
It's my fault Clara got lost.
I didn't know she was your sister and I wanted you all to myself.
You would do that just for me? That's despicable.
You're the kind of slicker my family left Central Park West to avoid.
You got a lot of chutzpah, missy.
Oh, I had my first crush.
And all it did was make me do terrible things and then break my heart.
Lisa, welcome to love.
It's full of doubt and pain and uncertainty.
But then one day, you find a man you love so much, it hurts.
- Who is he? - You, Homie.
Whoo-hoo! In your face, imaginary guy.
Hey, let's see if Dad's song is finally off the air.
- Next, - Springfield's latest one-hit wonder The "Moe Szyslak Connection," produced by David Byrne.
Moe, Moe, Moe How do you like me? How do you like me? Moe, Moe, Moe Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me Eh.
We can spend another week at the ranch.
Yee-haw! Oh, that can't be good for the struts.

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