The Simpsons s14e20 Episode Script

Brake My Wife, Please

The Simpsons Brake My Wife, Please D'oh! Ah! Okay, kids, stay together.
I appreciate you helping us out with this field trip.
Oh, a mom's work is never done.
Hmm, I thought I was being kicked exceptionally hard lately.
If I could be any type of shark, I'd be a tiger shark.
- How about you, Milhouse? - I guess a nurse shark.
I mean Oh! Ow, ow! Well, looks like Mr.
Walrus and his family are enjoying their Sunday brunch.
Shut up.
What am I, some sort of joke to you people? Now, over here is our newest exhibit, Wonders of the Gulf Coast.
Ooh! Shut up.
It's not that exciting.
The gulf is home to a breathtaking array of sea life.
But oil spills are threatening its delicate ecosystem.
Hey, without oil, you wouldn't have your fancy four-wheel drives.
You want to go back to two-wheel drive? Well, do you? I didn't mean to steal focus.
Antarctic life is a constant struggle.
These sea lions survive by eating the leftovers of the various film crews that plague the continent.
Hmm This tank is for our Pacific Habitat, which is currently being remodeled.
Where do you keep the fish till it's done? Oh, they're well taken care of in our storage facility.
In this tank we see some of the most exotic species of the coral reef.
Look, that giant clam appears to be opening.
This could be a wonderful journal entry.
Look at the size of those flawless pearls.
Oh, I might have known.
But I didn't.
Bart, get out of there.
- My boy.
Will he be all right? - This kind of injury is routine.
Bart will be up and underachieving in no time.
All I need is your insurance card.
Hmm, my husband has our card.
No problem.
Is my husband there? I don't think he's here.
Uh, hang on.
Let me check.
Nope.
What you wearing? Okay, five more minutes and I'm chewing my hand off.
- Bart, are you okay? - Oh, Homie, where have you been? - I've been calling all over for you.
- Hey, take it easy.
I went to the video store to rent a movie for the family.
- He's got a nose for news - HOMER: Hmm.
and a diaper full of headlines.
- Hey, chief.
- He's editor-in-chimp.
That monkey's wearing a hat.
Lifetime Films presents Buttercups of Autumn.
I fear I have become a buttercup of winter.
Hush up, Nana.
That's fool talk.
Nana, she's so wise but no one's gonna benefit from her wisdom.
Look, he's misspelling words.
- Nana.
- Oh, she's so Well, from now on, you need to get a cell phone so I can reach you.
You just can't get a cell phone.
Lindsay Naegle, Veriqual Cellular.
And I can offer you a whole range of cellular solutions.
Can I get a phone that plays the Mexican hat dance? I insist on it.
I dance, I dance, I dance Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it? I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey! Barney, you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees? Why don't get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road.
Hands-free, eh? Then I could give the brothers the black-power salute.
Black power, black power.
Was that Al Roker? His exuberance is perplexing.
We have headsets, but you'd be mad to stop there.
Tell me, what is currently plugged into your car's cigarette lighter? - Uh, a lighter.
- I weep for you.
These days, everything from fax machines to coffeemakers - can be plugged into your dash hole.
- I'll take them.
DVD player, check.
Snow-cone machine, check.
Lite-Brite, check.
Fog machine Even I think this is crazy.
Chaka Khan, let me rock you Let me rock you Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan Whisk the egg whites into the batter mixture while scraping the edges with a very stiff rubber spatula.
Now let's look in on our hush puppies.
Ah.
Oh, my God.
I gotta do something.
Come on, transmit.
Transmit.
Save me, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan! Oh, I'll never mock the Coast Guard again.
You Navy rejects are all right.
Mr.
Simpson, give me your license.
Burn their poop.
I am so screwed.
I can't drive to work.
I can't drive to the store.
And I certainly can't drive to the store at work.
I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores.
That's what a good wife does, picks up the slack.
That reminds me.
We gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in Shelbyville.
Why can't you use the local dry cleaner? Uh, I didn't want him to know my size.
Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge.
- Can we stop for ice cream? - Homer always stops for ice cream.
- We'll see.
- That always means no.
Where's your mother? I gotta get to Moe's.
Dad, Mom's been driving everyone everywhere.
Why don't you take public transportation? Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.
Oh, I guess I'll walk.
Stupid walking.
Thighs chafing horribly.
No drink holder.
I miss my car so much.
Everyone's driving but me.
I can't drive 55 because it only goes 38.
- I let go of the parking brake.
- Ralphie, if you stop I'll let you play with my gun.
I did it.
I walked all the way to Moe's from my house.
Way to go, Dad.
You know, I feel pretty good.
Maybe I should just keep walking instead of going into a dark, dreary bar.
Get in here, boozy.
You're late for your drunkening.
No.
From now on, walking is my beer and feeling good is my hangover.
Hmph.
Huh.
Hey, maybe this is a sign.
Maybe it's time to get out of the alcohol business give barber college another try.
And this time, I won't join a frat.
Who the hell am I talking to? You know, all this walking is paying off.
Look how healthy I am.
You see? I'm finally thin enough to wrap this thing around my arm.
Good for you, Dad.
Could you get me some syrup? Mm, mm.
You see? Before I probably would've driven to the syrup.
Kids, hurry up and eat.
We have to leave for the dentist five minutes ago.
We don't have time for choking.
Calm down, Stresserella.
Unh, I'm stressed because now that you've lost your license I'm a full-time family chauffeur.
Now, now, honey, we all appreciate what you do.
But real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses.
You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission.
To hell with the Livery Commission.
You don't know what you're saying.
What a day for a stroll.
- Come on! - What are you doing? Seymour, the two of us could make good use of this time.
Indeed.
You take this teacher-evaluation test.
I'll proctor.
Read the directions silently as I read them aloud to you.
Look at those suckers in their metal coffins.
I can go to work any way I want.
Psst.
Bishop to queen four.
We're playing dominoes.
I said bishop to queen four.
All right, all right, you.
Simpson, you're a menace.
Oh, George, leave the boy be.
Martha, I want a divorce.
Oh, George, you've made me so happy.
You're the first one here.
Please accept this free ticket to the 1939 World's Fair.
Thanks, Mr.
Burns.
I owe it all to walking.
Walking, eh? Let me give it a try.
- Whoa! - Huh! Well, I'd better drag myself to the hospital.
Oh, dear.
Smithers, scoop me up.
How could you both miss the bus to school? We touched hands.
Then we had to wash the cooties off.
What's all that rustling? My show-and-tell project.
A Peruvian fighting frog.
Hey, I brought a Peruvian fighting frog.
When will they stop? Come nightfall.
How about we take a family walk around the block? - Yay! I wanna amble.
- I wanna saunter.
- Amble.
- Saunter.
- Amble.
- Saunter.
Stop saying things.
Honey, you seem frazzled.
Why don't you come with us? Hey, I'd like that.
Oh, I can't.
I have to go pick up Grampa.
He proposed to another hooker at the bus station.
You sure love driving.
Mm-hm.
Morning, Homer.
Looking good.
Walking has made a new man out of you.
It sure has.
You see this bulge back here? Now it actually is a fanny pack.
Unh, no, wait.
It's still my ass.
But your point is well taken.
You see I like to walk down the avenue Bust a move with Disco Stu You shake me from my booty To my 'fro Yes, I strut down the boulevard Burning off my excess lard I rarely feel the need to utter "d'oh" - Top of the morning, ladies.
- Bite us.
I can walk from Springfield to Alaska Then hobnob with the stars in Malibu Hi, Homer.
I'm actor Steve Buscemi.
The guy who got fed into the wood chipper in Fargo? - And when I hear - You can't walk to Turkmenistan I say, of course, I can Screw you Hey, would you guys like tickets to the Independent Film Awards? Would we? Oh, I love to perambulate It's standing still I really hate So let me please reiterate, I love to Oh, my feet are inside me.
I am so sorry, Homie.
How is your crushed pelvis? Pretty good.
Thanks for asking.
I don't know what happened.
I saw you and I went for the brake but I hit the accelerator.
It's okay, Marge.
It would've been worse if I hadn't been carrying this Bible in my crotch.
Marge, while Homer recuperates I'm afraid you'll have to do everything for him.
That's okay.
I can handle it.
Homie, why don't you just relax and have a little soup? - Aah! Too hot.
Too hot.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Aah! Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Warm.
Tepid.
Cool.
Cold.
Cold.
So cold.
Oh, you're really coming along, Homie.
Yeah.
The doctor says that soon my pelvis will actually be stronger and more beautiful than ever.
Gee, everything always works out for you.
Aah! Oh, my God.
Let me help you up.
Marge, you're trying to hurt me.
What? That's crazy.
No, it's true.
The car, the soup.
It's like you hate me, your own husband.
That's ridiculous.
I don't like you.
I mean hate you, hate you, hate you.
I hate you! I've heard that from coworkers, strangers on the street even my own children.
But I never thought I'd hear it from you.
Maybe we should see a counselor.
Who's we? Got a mouse in your purse? Manjula, I'm so glad you have finally forgiven me for having an affair.
She used to elbow me in the face.
Next, please.
I've been married to my husband for 10 years and part of me wants to kill him.
Perhaps you feel that your husband sees you as less of a partner and more of a doormat? Nothing could be further from the You could be onto something there.
What? Oh, sorry, I got a lot on my mind.
That's okay.
Take your time.
All right, before you came in, I asked you each to make a list of the people that are most important to you.
- Homer, you first.
- There's Homer Homer J.
Simpson, and Commander Cool, a.
k.
a.
me.
That's us in a nutshell.
I care so much about you, Homer.
But I'm not even on your list.
Excuse me.
We gotta help her.
If Marge isn't happy, I'm not happy.
And if I'm not happy, Moe is very happy.
But for once, this isn't about Moe.
What should I do, Dr.
Hotdog? All right, I have an answer.
You must perform for her one completely unselfish gesture.
You mean, like give her full custody of the kids? Yeah, full custody.
That's exactly what I - You're an idiot.
- Unh.
You gotta knock her off her feet with something utterly romantic.
Something that says, "I care about you.
" I see.
Do you have any suggestions? - I do.
But the hour's over.
- Here's a dollar.
- Romantic dinner.
- Gotta go.
You know what Mom really loves? Julienne potatoes.
And for dessert, peach crumble.
You wanna know how to make a peach crumble? Kick it in the groin.
Ha! Anyway, what's going on? I'm gonna treat Marge to a romantic dinner to make up for all my shortcomings.
Hey, Homer, if you're having a banquet for Marge, I'd like to help.
Hey, me too.
I can whip up my famous poulet au vin avec champignons à la Carl.
Mwah.
You can bring a bag of ice.
Lousy Homer.
I'll show him.
Tonight, his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples.
Wha? Oh, my God.
It's so beautiful.
Hey, look, everybody, Marge is here.
Oh, Homie.
You got everyone in Springfield here for me.
Honey, I couldn't keep them away if I tried, except for Flanders.
He was mysteriously called out of town.
I got your letter.
I'm coming as fast as I can.
Tonight, we're here to serve you.
Sit back and enjoy the finest foods Springfield has to offer.
I brought you me finest catch of the day.
We lost a dozen good men.
But it's worth it just to see ye smile.
Wow! That's it, eh? Twelve men.
Well, I've got some families to inform.
- Unbelievable - What? Nothing.
Just a curse on your very soul.
Marge, I bring you the main course.
Elektra recording artist- slash-political activist Jackson Browne.
Oh, the Pretender.
When Homer told me about this special night, I just had to be a part of it.
I'm here to serenade you with a song.
Yay! From my latest album.
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
Just kidding.
Here's one of my many classics.
That I fixed with new words.
You hooked up in high school Now you've come so far Then you started to hate him And hit him with your car So I threw you a fancy banquet And now you can't stay mad How about a make-up snuggle? It would be so rad Oh, I'm really touched by how much you care.
I love you too.
So, uh, you don't wanna kill me anymore? - Only with kisses.
- Oh.
Oh, don't be a wuss.
When you turn out the light I've got to hand it to me It looks like it's me and you again tonight Marjorie Now I'd like to propose a toast to a woman who's done so much for us - without getting anything in return.
- Except a place to live and free food.
Why, you little Now let's all raise our wine boxes to Marge.
Hear, hear! To Marge! Unh, I'm so full, my control-top panel is in shards.
I wanna thank you all so much.
You're welcome.
And now, Marge, we cooked, you clean.
- What? - Ha, ha, only teasing.
We've flown in the finest busboys from France Uh, I mean, America.
And now to all my dear friends, I say, get the hell out of my yard.
Shh.