The Simpsons s16e04 Episode Script

She Used to Be My Girl

Toucher un raton laveur mort n'est pas une recherche scientifique.
C'mon, boy.
Take your pill.
Mom, the dog won't take his medicine.
It helps if you wrap it in a slice of cheese.
Free cheese! Homer, that was for the dog.
What's happened to us, Marge? We used to feed each other cheese and laugh all night.
Then came the heart attacks.
What's that rumble? It's a media circus.
The circus! A media circus.
I don't know the difference! ABC, CBS the Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire.
I'll get the spare.
No.
We must wait for God to jack us.
In Springfield today, a sex scandal has brought in reporters from around the world.
Why, here's Fox News.
The cause of all this commotion is mayor and suspected illegal immigrant Joe Quimby, named today in paternity suits by 27 different women.
Why won't you acknowledge our love child?! that is not my baby.
Raise this as your own.
This is the most exciting scandal since the Juice was on the loose.
The Juice is still on the loose.
Mr.
Mayor, just how many illegitimate children are you hiding? Kent, I'm hiding nothing Except this puppy.
Look into his eyes and tell me I'm lying.
Well, I'm placated, and so are all my friends in the local media.
I have a question.
Chloe Talbot, Global News Network.
it seems a big shot reporter from some major news outlet isn't satisfied.
Well, if it isn't local news legend Kent Brockman.
Hey, Kent, run over any more pedestrians? Those records are sealed.
She's from Springfield.
I knew her in high school.
I didn't think anyone successful came from Springfield.
What about that two-headed goat? Technically, he was born in Shelbyville.
Yes, but he came here to die.
One of you ate tin cans, one of you ate health food.
How you solved crimes, I'll never know.
Mr.
Mayor, you claim to be faithful to your wife, but I have obtained this exclusive video tape.
Come on, baby, read my sash.
You're the major? That's mayor, you fertile moron.
Two things are certain-- the mayor is in deep trouble, and the local newsmen in this town are idiots.
Channel Six News rocks.
A car chase every night, or the weather girl wears a tube top.
And if she doesn't, you win a pizza.
Chloe sure turned out successful.
You're successful, too, Mom.
You made a chore wheel that's both fair and wise.
Marge, I figured out a way we can get in on this Quimby lawsuit.
Bart, go ahead.
Mayor Quimby is my father.
Give me one million dollars.
Diamond Joe's got to go! Diamond Joe's got to go! Mr.
Mayor, will you answer one question? Only if it is submitted in writing.
Checkmate.
Marge? Marge Simpson? Chloe, hi.
where are you living now? Evergreen Terrace.
Paris? Just like you always dreamed.
Terrace.
Evergreen Terrace.
The street that smells like pee.
This is my daughter, Lisa.
Chloe, I really admire how you got out of Springfield and became such a success.
Hey, only the lame-os stay.
And your mother.
Super lady.
Well, it is good to see you, Chloe.
Would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow? Oh, I'd love to.
I'm getting so sick of these greasy catered meals.
You insult me, you insult Italy.
Which is shaped like a boot.
Who knew? Homer Simpson.
I sawed you on the television.
I remember you from high school.
You barfed in my tuba.
I believe it was the school's tuba.
These kebabs you made are as good or better than anything I've ever had at this table.
Homer.
Oh, Marge, I'm just being polite.
My back pain's completely cured.
That was one too many.
I got the recipe for these in Istanbul.
More.
I was writing a story for Harper's Magazine.
Harper's Magazine.
I have a picture of Lewis Lapham on my binder.
Oh, but I've been yapping about myself all night.
Marge, what's exciting in your life lately? Well We finally found out why the dog was scooting around on his butt all day.
Turns out he had an impacted anal gland.
The excitement never stops.
Chloe, would you like to see slides of our trip to Athens Boulevard Recreational Center? I'd love to Ooh, my show's on.
Mind if we watch a little? I guess.
The Talbot Report with Chloe Talbot.
Tonight, Chloe interviews Bob Dylan.
So Bob, what religion are you converting to now? Well, I'll tell you one thing shalom.
Followed by Chloe's triumphant return to her depressing little hometown: Springfield.
Hello, Ned.
Hey, Comic Book Guy, Krusty the Clown I thought he was dead.
Yeah? I guess you ain't been to too many supermarket openings lately.
You know, Chloe, some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place.
Oh, come on, Marge.
The only reason we don't move out of this dunghill is because of my court- ordered ankle bracelet.
I'm here! I'm here! Quit buggin' me.
Why do you always have to show that to company? It's a conversation starter.
This is the dance the Chinese government makes dissidents perform before they shoot them.
Homer, what are you doing? I swallowed a chicken bone.
Chloe, you've lived so many fascinating places.
Yes, but down deep in my heart, I'll always be the girl who wanted to leave Springfield.
Gee, with all that travel, you probably haven't had much time to find that special someone.
Oh, I've had a few flings.
Bill Clinton.
Schwarzenneger.
Oh, excuse me.
But not all of us can be as lucky as you, Marge.
Homer's a wonderful man.
Did you just swallow another bone? Same one.
Chloe is amazing.
Even her serving bowl smells glamorous.
That's ridiculous.
No one's bowl smells It's like Christmas in Aspen.
Did you know back in high school that she'd be such a star? Back then, we were both stars in the thrill-a-minute world of high school journalism.
Together we broke the biggest story of the semester.
One of the cafeteria workers was spitting in the soup.
I'll teach you to give me my first job out of prison.
When we published the story, we received the school's highest award.
Ladies, it is my great pleasure to award you these certificates of merit.
In this box marked "honoree," fill in your names.
And over here, write in what you did.
I'll be back.
You ain't tasted the last of my spit.
Oh, that Moe.
But good for you, Mom! Why didn't you follow Chloe into journalism? Well, we both faced a tough decision go off to journalism school, or stay in Springfield with our sweethearts.
Stay with me, Marge, and I promise we'll travel the world and perhaps outer space.
I love you, Chloe and I love you too, brake fluid.
Chloe left town as soon as Barney proposed.
I would've followed her, but my plans changed when God brought me a wonderful little boy Bart, stop that! This isn't what it looks like.
Why would Homer write his name in grime? Ah, that's better.
Mom, Chloe just won the Peabody Award! Well, I just made the bathroom floor smell like lemons.
Where's the award for that? Oh, Mom, don't feel bad.
Everybody appreciates your I'm late for my dinner with Chloe! Good news, Marge! I've learned to walk naked on stilts! There's Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw hanging out with Kent Brockman! You want your mic back, local anchor? This just in I'm pissed off! Hi, fellas! Chloe, wanna feel my muscle? Chloe has such an amazing life.
I wonder what would have happened if I'd stuck with journalism.
Oh, honey, her life can't compare to yours.
You've got three kids, a TV tray from Expo '67, and you're married to King Stink! Yeah, I guess.
Marge, listen to me.
Chloe may have a flashy job, but you're the backbone of this family.
You're like the electrical tape that holds the two halves of my car together.
That's a sweet thought, Homie.
I just hate to see you upset, honey.
You know what would be a good name for Maggie? Chloe ! That was such an exciting night.
Morley Safer has the biggest head I've ever seen.
I really had fun.
It's gonna be a let-down going to school tomorrow.
We have to make a pilgrim out of felt.
I'm covering the U.
N.
Women's Conference in Capital City tomorrow.
You want to come with me? That'd be wonderful! I'd I'd have to ask my Mom.
Well, you can ask her right now.
She's glaring at us from the front lawn.
Marge, it's my fault we're a little late.
How dare you show my daughter a life of fun and possibility? Keep your dish-washing hands off the Armani! For your information, our electric dishwasher is on the fritz.
Not that you care about the ups and downs of my appliances.
Do ya? Huh, do ya? That's it! I'm going to show you some moves I learned from G.
Gordon Liddy! I'm so sick of names! Ladies! There is no need to fight over me.
No one's fighting over you! Oh.
Well, then, carry on.
You don't know when to quit! "Shiner-Be-Gone.
" Lisa, honey, let me explain what happened tonight.
Sometimes when your mom has half a glass of wine, she goes cuckoo bananas.
So is it okay if I go to the women's conference with Chloe? Let me think about it.
No.
I've never disobeyed Mom before.
Is this a step I'm really willing to take? I don't know.
The more I think about it Thinking is for losers! Bart! Thanks for helping me make up my mind.
Thanks for cushioning my fall.
I didn't cushion your I saw your report on Kuala Lumpur.
Truly hard-hitting.
Thanks, Tom.
I really appreciate that.
So, I, you know, I was wondering - Yes? Would you like to come to my celebrity racquetball tournament? I'll have to check my schedule.
I'll give you a first-round bye.
Gotta go, Tom.
I'll think about it.
Lisa, breakfast! I know you're mad at me, but I hope you're not mad at Cap'n Crunch.
Homer, we've gotta get Lisa! All right.
While I'm gone, boy, you think about what you did.
What did I do? You, uh Why, you little! Need a reason for strangling, do ya? I'll fix your wagon! Hello.
Chloe, forget about the women's conference! I need you to get over to Mount Springfield.
It's about to erupt! Don't we have a reporter who specializes in natural disasters? Yeah, he's busy covering Julia Roberts' last haircut.
But seriously, he's dead.
Now get going! Hey, there! The name's Chet.
I'm your cameraman for this here 'cano story.
Let's see.
I've been to Afghanistan, Serbia, Lebanon Okay, okay, I lied.
I shoot wedding videos Just Fort Worth! Hello, U.
N.
Women's Conference! We're trapped! Lisa, we may not make it, but at least we can go out as the great journalists we are.
I'm not a journalist.
I'm not a journalist.
You are now.
Remember to keep my boobs in the shot.
And we're on in five, four, three I don't see Lisa in any of the seminars.
And I'm growing ashamed of my penis.
Homer, look! I'm here at the long-dormant Springfield Volcano, which is now spewing noxious debris into the air.
How male.
With me is my eight-year-old cameragirl, Lisa Simpson.
She's taken my daughter to an erupting volcano? That's it! She is off the Christmas card list.
Marge, that's crazy talk.
Now look.
I'll save Lisa.
Your place is here with the women.
Okay, you go save Lisa.
I'll stay here with the women.
What do women want?! We've gotta go now! Okay.
I'll run as fast as I can, but I'm full of potato salad.
I'm sorry, folks.
You're not allowed to go up there.
In fact, I don't even know why I'm here.
This lava is not a criminal.
It hasn't hurt anybody.
Anybody I know.
Chief, my daughter's up there.
You're a father, too.
Yeah, but I'm a cop first then a boat enthusiast amateur historian yo-yo dieter then I'm a cop again Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide! I'm coming, sweetheart! I'll save you, Lisa! Be careful, Mom! There's hot lava under the ground! Actually, when it's underground, lava is called magma.
You're so smart, Chloe! Walter Cronkite told me the same thing.
Shut up! Mom, that was incredible! Nothing's more powerful than a mother's love.
Mom, your hair! Don't worry.
We've got two hours before it burns down to my head.
Our top story tonight: I'm about to die! Barney, you saved my life.
Chloe, when you left me, I was devastated.
But I sobered up long enough to become a pilot.
With you beside me, I think I could make it work.
How 'bout a half hour of pity sex? Is there any other kind? In the wake of the devastating eruption, one Springfielder proved herself a hero: Marge Simpson.
She's won herself a free hero sandwich at Springfield Sub Shops.
Extra charge for warm-ups! Mom, I wanna be just like you.
I mean the lava part, not saving Lisa.
Pretend to care! Well, looking at you kids, I know I made the right choice in life.
I'm sure you did.
But still, don't you ever wonder what might have happened if things had gone differently? Well This is Marge Simpson reporting from Lake Placid where the miracle on ice never happened.
No! Lisa, what are you doing in there? Praying to Buddha, Jesus, SpongeBob.
There's no time to be picky.
Perhaps we should help.
Screw her! Captioned by