The Simpsons s16e11 Episode Script

On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister

Happy 3:00 in the morning, everyone.
In a mere five hours, we'll be gazing at Springfield's most exciting glacier, Springfield Glacier.
I hope you're all wearing glacier-appropriate clothing.
Hey, check out my T-shirt.
It's wicked relevant.
It's part of my "Things Suck" line of clothing.
Yes, well, while I disagree with your T-shirt's assertion, I do encourage anything that raises glacier awareness.
Busward to adventure.
So, Lise, ready for your trip? - Sure am.
See ya next fall.
You make those same stupid jokes every field trip.
You work in the business as long as I have, you're bound to repeat yourself.
See ya next fall.
So, Edna, I wrote up some possible discussion topics for this trip.
Oh, here's one.
I'm still in love with you.
Discuss? Seymour, I've moved on.
Our romance is in the history books and there's nothing worth highlighting.
The Skin-man doesn't give up that easily.
These icy roads are getting pretty gnarly.
I'm not worried.
My indemnity waivers.
Stop the bus.
We'll just use the chains.
I feel like I'm in Fitzcarraldo.
That movie was flawed.
Behold, children, the majesty of Springfield Glacier.
Crane your necks skyward to behold its icy glory.
What happened to the glacier? It's nearly melted.
This must be due to global warming.
Young lady, the federal government's position on global warming is that it does not exist.
The glacier's doing just fine.
No, it isn't.
It's a lump of slush.
Look at it.
I have a little girl just like you at home.
That's where she stays-- at home.
Oh, I just love it here.
So many things, and so many things of each thing.
Welcome to Sprawl-Mart.
Can I get you a cart or a basket? Grandpa, you're a greet grater.
I mean a great greeter.
Now look who's senile.
I'll take a cart.
- All right.
Darn thing's stuck.
I'll just give it a good yank.
No mes.
Oh, Dad.
How I'll miss your cap, your walking stick, your plaster base.
I'm down here, you idiot.
Dad.
Where's your base? Don't worry about that.
Someone's gotta greet the customers.
Ah, they'll be fine.
No.
They're helpless without a greeting.
Look at 'em.
Make me proud.
Or at least less ashamed.
I'm gonna get a glacier postcard and send it to my nana.
She'll be like, "No way.
" Score.
I'm going to exchange this beach towel I bought at Sequoia National Park.
I learned too late that it implied tumescence.
Ah, premodern man.
If these wise warriors could speak, what would they tell us? They left a message right here.
Actually carved into the rock.
Nice work, Simpson.
Feel free to make a rubbing.
Welcome to Sprawl-Mart.
Pimple cream in aisle five.
Buenos nachos.
Ask about our "señor" discount.
Hey, Rabbi.
Jesus loves ya.
Just kidding.
Son, you are on fire.
A million times better than that worthless old coot you replaced.
That coot happens to be my father.
Please continue.
How would you like to be a full-time Sprawl-Mart greeter? Is there a chance for advancement? - No.
Whoo-hoo.
No pressure.
Evidence suggests that this Ice Age female was alone when she fell into a crevasse.
Dying alone, huh? Terrible fate to befall any woman-- Ice Age or modern day.
Seymour, I will now demonstrate how over you I am.
See that man? Take note of how he's not you.
Now watch.
So, is there a Mrs.
Park Ranger Johnson? No, ma'am.
I'm married to the glacier.
But, uh, it's an open marriage.
Then bring it, fool.
Oh, for goodness sake.
You've moved on, have you? Well, so have I.
Just play along.
Listen, people.
How can you stand there eating snacks and being children when the world's glaciers are vanishing? We have to do something about it.
Glaciers are nature's alarm clock, and it's time for us to wake up.
Can there be any doubt that the culprit is greenhouse gas produced by man? The only gas is coming from Lisa's butt.
People, please.
I'm talking about toxic vapors.
Emanations.
Miasmas.
Hey, whoever's doing that, get off the frequency.
We're combing the woods.
There's a killer loose out here.
Let him do it, Chief.
It lightens the mood.
Oh, my God.
That used to be a face.
Bart! Help.
I'm sinking in the lake.
You mean, you're walking on the glacier.
Whatever.
Check it out.
That frog has a nerd on its butt.
Bart, you are the meanest, nastiest little boy that ever lived.
Hey, there's a dog in the next car lookin' at me.
Hey, dog.
You don't even care how upset I am! But this time, you have gone too far.
What are you gonna do, tell Mom and Dad? They're powerless figureheads.
You'll see.
Oh, you will see.
Good morning, world.
Eat my shorts.
There'll be no shorts eaten today, young man.
Bart Simpson, this is a restraining order.
From now on, you must stay at least Restraining order? Bull spit.
No piece of paper keeps me from whaling on my sister.
So, you see what happens when you don't obey your restraining order? Yes, Chief Wiggum.
And Snake, do you see what happens when you kidnap the president? Oh, yes, Chief Wiggum.
And Lou, do you see what happens when my coffee comes back cold? Chief, you ordered an ice coffee.
No, I said a nice coffee.
Nice.
Lisa, you took out a restraining order against your own brother? Yes.
The clerk also gave me this bench warrant for Dad's arrest.
Aw, damn it.
Chief, how are we supposed to live with our kids constantly separated? Hey, I don't make the laws, I just something with them.
Look, this videotape should answer all your questions.
Get Out of my Dreams and Also out of my car : A guide to your restraining order Hi, I'm Gary Busey.
I'm here to explain about restraining orders.
The answers to all your questions are in this video.
So you've got a restraining order Meet Joe.
Last name: Spaghetti-O.
One night, Joe went to a party and fell in love with a girl named Mary.
Oh, man, I've been there.
At first, Joe felt discouraged, but then he remembered what his father taught him.
"Never say die.
" "Quitters never prosper.
" And "No means yes.
" The next day, Mary got a restraining order against Joe.
Now Joe can't come within 500 feet of Mary.
He also can't call her or burn his name in gas on her lawn.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
Joe is me.
And Mary is a composite of 12 different women and a small independent film company, all of whom couldn't deal with me, because I'm too real.
Oh, I always hoped we wouldn't be one of those restraining order families.
How am I supposed to know if I'm 20 feet away? Don't worry, son.
No one's going to make you count to 20.
I have a more humane solution.
This 20-foot pole will make Bart's restraining order oh-so-easy to enforce.
And I used my Sprawl-Mart employee discount to buy this fancy pole cover.
It'll keep your pole looking great, poke after poke after poke.
Poke.
Hey, this really works.
Homer, why did you put the screwdriver at the end? Show you what it's like in the real world.
Bart, because of your sister's restraining order, there is no place in this school you can legally occupy without violating your order.
Observe.
A.
M.
kindergarten made the Bart doll.
P.
M.
kindergarten made the Lisa.
The point is, we're not allowed to have you in this building.
Well, I've never been one to break the law.
So long, Seymour.
Give me a jingle sometime.
I will, but there is one place on school property that falls outside all laws of man or God.
No, you don't mean? This place smells, and something's dripping on me.
The smell is manure, and the dripping's manure.
Now turn to chapter one of Math Safari.
But we're already on chapter seven.
Then you'll be teaching Willie.
Don't stand so Don't stand so close to me Her friend are So jealous You know how bad girls get Sometimes it's not so easy To be the teacher's pet Temptation, frustration So bad it makes him cry The bus stop I'm afraid your arm has sustained extensive nerve damage.
The only cure is this anti-poking potion.
Oops, missed the vein.
Dang, missed it again.
Sorry, I'm distracted.
My housekeeper is suing me for sexual harassment.
She hung the mistletoe.
What was I supposed to do? I like eating here with you, Dad, especially without "Don't have a cow, man.
" Yeah, he's all "Cowabunga, dude.
" I mean, what's that mean? Nothing, I bet.
Oh, need more soda.
Homer, would you be interested in the position of executive greeter? That's been my dream ever since I heard it existed right now.
What do I get? You get to work overtime without us paying you extra.
I won't do it.
If you don't, we'll ship you right back to Mexico.
But I'm a U.
S.
citizen.
How sure of that are you? Dios mio.
I can't take it anymore.
Every time I try to relax, she Ow, my neck.
Can't I even finish my milk? Please lift this restraining order, Judge Harm.
It's poking our family apart.
Bart, do you have anything to say? My sister has no sense of humor.
I'm sure you understand.
It's why you became a judge instead of finding a husband.
I have a husband.
What is he, blind and deaf? From now on, the restraining order is set at 200 feet.
That's 61 meters.
Sacré bleu.
Sorry, boy.
This is the only place that's 200 feet from Lisa but still on our property.
It's pretty scary out here, Dad.
Dad? Well, I bet they miss me.
Well, could be worse.
Bart, Lisa went over to Janey's.
Quick, run inside and go potty.
Why should I go inside? The world is my toilet now.
Hey, why'd you lock the door? We're still inside.
It's a chance for you to catch up on all the work I'm assigning you now.
I've never worked all night, never.
And I worked at an all-night diner for three years.
I slept on the grill.
See this? It's the bathroom key.
See you in the morning.
You monster.
We placed a compliance chip in the back of your neck during the company physical.
That's it, mister.
I am disgruntled.
And up until now, I was relatively gruntled.
Better increase the juice.
Wait.
I did it.
I pulled it out.
And with no brain damage-amage- amage-amage-amage-amage.
Now we'll get all your chips out, go to the police and shut this place down.
Homer, we took our chips out years ago.
Really? Then why do you still work here? We've learned to accept the things we cannot change and steal everything that's not nailed down.
I hope you won't judge us harshly.
I'll be back for tall kitchen bags.
Lisa, don't you think your brother's suffered enough? Mom, I don't mean to be mean, but every time I think about forgiving him, I remember all the bad things he's done to me.
He's done good things for you, too.
Name three.
He brought home your homework when you were sick.
Yes, but he thought that was a bad thing.
Let's count it anyway.
He did try to cheer me up when my hamster died.
Homer, you forgot to eat your hot dog.
Mmm, hot dog.
What the? I just don't understand what the problem is.
Okay, that's two, and that's it.
If I think of another one, I'll let him back in.
Stupid, selfish Bart.
Like he's ever going to do another nice thing for me.
He's building a me.
Well, I mean, it's a little American-primitive, but who am I to dismiss outsider art? It shows he misses me, and this is the third thing.
Lise, just let me be.
Look in your heart.
I'm begging you, look in your heart.
Bart, don't worry.
I'm relinquishing the poke-pole.
What does that mean, you're sharpening it? Look in your heart.
I'm begging you.
Look in your heart.
I'm not sharpening it.
Are you putting feces on the tip? No, I'm giving it up.
I've realized how much I missed you, and I can see from this magnificent Lisa statue that you felt the same way.
When you're right, you're right.
Let's eat.
Yo, Bart, we're ready to torch the wicker witch of the west.
Jimbo, the real one's here.
Oh, man.
This is every effigist's worst nightmare.
Bart, you were going to burn the third nice thing you've ever done for me? Well, you see, the fire represents your musical ability? Oh, Bart, I missed your lies.
And I was kind of a pill, I guess.
Lisa, you just poked my feelings.
I'm sorry, too.
Give me that torch.
Captioned by Scarfo and Lord Damon