The Simpsons s16e16 Episode Script

Don't Fear the Roofer

Hey, hey! No enjoyement! Kent Brockman here with "Storm watch 6" Professor Frink, what is the scientific explanation for this unusually severe thunderstorm? Well, Kent, we are exploring two theories of this quaint A: either we have a supercell of high pressure fronts or B: God is bowling.
With the balls, and the pins and the rental shoes and the very bad cheese pizza that comes in squares Krusty, what's your lighthearted take on our recent bad weather? Sorry, Kent! I sold all my bad weather jokes to Jay Moore! But I can make funny sounds on your microphone.
Fine! There you have it! Homer, do something about this leak! Do not worry Marge! Hot Wheels to the rescue! The water flows down here through the straightway and a couple of wicked S turns around the loop of death and out the mail slot! And it's the yard's problem! - My hamster! You know Homer, I've a lot of things slide but when you can't keep a roof of your family's head you're just not much of a Father! I was gonna have my classmates over for a homework party but now my refreshments are ruined.
Good bye, college! He was supposed to be in the show and tell this week That's not gonna happen! That Teddy bear survived three safety recalls But it couldn't survive you! Ow, that's it! I'm goin to Moe's! Oh, it's raining outside.
It's raining inside! Lousy cat! Stupid family hates Homer.
At least, it remains a place where I am always welcome.
For he's a jolly good fellow! Oh, guys.
This is just what I needed.
This ain't for you, sweat stain! this is a surprise party for Lenny Drawn by his closest friends So what's Stephen Hawking doing here? I live here now.
you're look at the new owner of the "Little Caesar's" down the street.
Pizza, pizza.
Pizza, pizza.
Sorry, that button's sticks! So why didn't you invite me? We couldn't tell you ahead of time because you'll spill the beans! I wouldn't ruin a surprise for Lenny! Surprise? What surprise? Way to go, Homer.
Six years planning down the drain.
I'm sorry.
I'm just sitting over here until you stop being mad at me.
Ow, Great, Homer! I bake a cake shaped like a Lenny's favorite bar stool and you wrecked it! I can see, I'm not wanted here.
Homer Wait, do not go.
Ok, beat it! Who wants ass frosting? No, thanks! I'm on Atkins.
My family hates me.
My stupid friends kick me out of that stupid party They'll all be sorry when I invent the world best tasting cola and share it with no one! Huuh! a sign! Finally, a bar for men who'd like to drink and look at sexy women Welcome to Knockers, hon! Let me know if you see anything you like.
Read the sign, prevert! D'oh! I'd like a beer, and a sympathetic ear.
I got my own problems.
I just lost this eye last night.
How did it ever come to this? I am the first man to ever feel depressed in a bar.
I don't have a friend in the world.
Look at the size of that nacho plate! I haven't seen this much melted cheese since I left my Billy Joel albums out in the sun.
a Sun.
Hey, wanna split this? Wow, It's been so long since I been with someone who doesn't know how selfish pig I am.
Mine! Move your hand.
I get this! Hey, my name's Ray.
Ray Magini.
Ray, you know me better than anyone, how can I get my wife to love me again? Beat's me I'm no marriage counselor.
Just a licensed and bonded roofer Ray, will you help me fix my roof? Sure, I'll help ya! On one condition! You gotta help me finish this pitch of beer! Wait! Did I got it right? Now, for my first act as President Deal! To my new buddy! Now all we need is an awesome theme song.
one that replace that thong in the juke box! Deal! "Do that to me one more time Once is never enough " Next song.
Yes, that's what I meant.
- Yea, absolutely.
Homer, I woke to find an owl eating a mouse on the pillow next to me.
I think that's mean it's 6 weeks till autumn It means you'll have to fix the roof! Don't worry honey! I found us a Roofer last nite And you'll never guess where Knockers on route 98.
How did you know? I'm phsycic! Look! I do not know if I want a roofer who hangs at the bars.
Oh! You're right Marge! I guess I should look a roofers at poetries slams and yoga retreats High five! - Naah! I got standards I don't hand out hi-five like chicklets.
Ray would hi-five me Well, he better hi-five our roof! Yeah, Mom! - Zing! D'oh! Come on kids, we're gonna visit grandpa then we're gonna take the dog to the V-E-T then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D I'll tell you what it means when it's over.
Hey, Homer! Oh, Ray.
You came at the agreed upon time.
That's what I like about you, Homer! Everything impresses you.
Impresses, what a big word! I'm gonna look that up! Aah! This is gonna take some work! Tell me, was the roof was in good condition when you bought the house? I didn't really checked.
I mainly bought this house for the view.
Someday that bowl will overflow and I'll be there.
ok kids.
.
we only have time for quick visit to grandpa So as soon as he feels loved we're outta there.
Hehm, he must've smelled left overs.
Please, we call them senior citizens! Oh, look! A dog? What a nice surprise.
I'm gonna pet you raw! Can we keep your dog? Please? Keep my dog? Until when? Not too long, just till we die.
Well, he does seem happy here Also, gendertatology studies have domenstrated that animal companion can slow the envitably decline Yeah, okay, thank you.
Why don't you find a parade and rain on it? Sorry about that pal! No problem.
Accidents happen.
One, two, three, four.
I declare a nail war! That's why I got into roofing! Homer.
Ned, you okay? Yes, but my mower can't get much lower I was wrong.
This is Ned Flanders.
There is one in every neighborhood.
Sorry, man! I gotta go.
It said that my kid attempted something well I hate the way these things cut off.
Goodbye, Ray.
Bye.
Oouw, he turned the corner.
No, I see him again! Homer! You drooling on my goodwill pile And why is the hole in the roof is even bigger? Do not worry.
Ray will be back any minute It's after 6! He's not comin back! He's a lousy roofer and a flake! Hey, watch what you say about him! I think Ray could be the one! The one what? My new best friend.
We think alike, we act alike, we finish each other's sandwiches I don't wanna hear anymore about Ray Tomorrow morning you buy some shingles and fix that roof yourself! Ray's not gonna like that! You're not married to Ray.
Well if I was, we have taller kids! I'm sure everyone's happier with Santa's little helper were here to love them I bet the old people will be acting like young people Like in that cellfone ads everyone hates.
He's become one of them! Hey boy! Wanna treat? We better get you home! Come on Lisa! right after paxed ajax! Ouwh! Geezzz Louise! You know it's too bad.
We've had that dog as long as I could remember What dog? - Who the hell are you? I wish I knew You know, son, my father used to take me to Johnson's hardware The old Johnson knew everythin about fixin' stuff When they built this place, he hung himself.
Oh, sorry son.
I wanted you bring me the stack of tiles from the top shelf.
Hey, Ray is here! Hi, Homer.
Look, I just came down with a case of shingles What's in the box? Hey, I'm really sorry I never made it back yesterday I hope we're still friends? Of course we are If you wannabe? I wannabe, if you wannabe I'll tell you what? Let me get a few more supplies and then i'll come right over and finish your roof! Hey Dad? Remember when you said if I used chainsaw unsupervised, I'd hurt myself Well, you were wrong.
I hurt someone else.
I have 45 minutes to get ready to the prom.
What are you doing? Why aren't you fixing the roof? I don't have to Ray's gonna be here any minute I'm so sick of hearing of that stupid unreliable Ray Who by the way, I've never even met! Alright then you can just look at the portrait I painted of him Homer! How'd you think I'd feel when I saw that? Something like that! Homer, come down for dinner! did you make enough for Ray? Ray's not coming! He is to! His truck will come around the corner, right now Right now! Right now! Now.
Now.
Homer, I know where Ray is Oh, thank God! Where is he? Tell me.
Sweetheart, your friend Ray is in your head! Ray would'nt fit in my head He is the human man! You have to understand Ray does not exist.
Yes, he does! He's on his way.
And when he gets here We will ever so much fun.
You'll see.
We'll laugh Laugh! Hey, What's goin on? Where are my shoes? Struggle all you want Homer There's nothing you can do.
Why Excuse us for a moment.
What am I doing here? Let me go.
We're let you go when you admit there's no Ray Magini Fine I admit it! Help me, Ray! Appearance strike them down! Homer, no one has ever seen Ray but you.
But that's not true Bart saw'em at the builders barn No, I didn't Dad! I saw you talkin to yourself Flanders, you saw Ray on the roof with me! Sorry, Homer.
You're gonna have to call me aretheist cause I don't believe I saw him Ned, are you ok? There has to be someone who saw him! someone who doesn't hate me, like Flanders and Bart.
Wait.
The bartender's at Knockers.
I called that bossom bar The bartender said that you were there alone.
Ray is the figment of your imagination, homer! You felt lonely and unappreciated So you made him up.
And here's the clincher Ray Magini is an anagram for Imaginary Woow, my subconcious is a genious! Well, that's all very convincing and He's right over there! Come on, can anybody see! If only they could see from my point of view I'm afraid this calls for electro shocks.
Electro shocks? Actually the technical term is electro convulsive therapy Well, that's a world of difference Light me up, doc.
When you in juice, can you hold my turtle? I want to bring him back to life.
ooh, what did he die of? I do not know.
He used to dead when I found'em Homer, that's just a bite on, not to eat! Sorry.
Give me the one that doesn't taste so good That was a rubber covered in vaseline Marge, write that down so we can have it at home If we can begin this treatment soon enough How you feelin, sweety? Much better.
Do you see anyone here, who isn't here? No, just you, Marge and Yogi Bear.
I'm kidding! Well I see your sense of humor's not affected That's a very bad sign Real.
Not real.
Real.
Real.
Sorry, homer, but recent historical evidence indicates that Robin Hood did not actually exist Fascinating! You kids can relax! Your father is fine now! Fine and dandy? Well his dandiness will slowly return in time Dad! Oo kids, I heart you too.
Man, I'm glad to be out from that electro shock table Although to be honest, I didn't enjoy lying down Hello Homer.
It's Ray! I see him again! Monster! You do not exist.
Hey, noone calls me monster in quest of my own existence The awesome power of the human mind I see Ray too So do I Well, I'm not worried.
You've agreed not to sue me about anything When did I agree to that? You did when I validate your parking You did'nt validate my parking Check and mate.
So Ray does exist? That's right! Now let's explore the improbable series of events that led to this amusing yet tragic farce on account of my eyepatch I could'nt see Ray sittin at the bar All I saw was you, eating and drinking and talking to yourself And Ned, you didn't see me because I was hiding behind the chimney I see, I thought my vision was perfect And yet, here I was worshipping false eyeballs Wait.
How come at bilder's barn I saw Homer talking to thin air? Well, that I can answer that.
I 've been tracking the tearing of fabric of space time which compliant with airborne pieces of metal at bilder's barn to create a mini blackhole this would normaly posed between homer and bart causing a gravitational blank which has absorbed the light reflected by Ray the roofer It seems feasable Wait, there is still one thing that doesn't make sense Why did you start to fixing our roof, and then just diseappear? That's easy! I'm a contractor! That's right! You're all crooks! We are all crooks, it's true.
Wait a minute.
I went throu alot of pain and suffering because of this little misunderstanding Somebody owes me big! Well, Homer I could make it up to you maybe a free eye scrapping That's a given There's something else! Something much more else! Homer, can I please knocked off? I have surgery in the morning Not until those gutters clean, you don't! So as I was saying, Homer Mondays, at 9 o'clock, CBS They say everybody loves that guy but I don't get it What are you talking about? I'm just now saying, catch it, while you still can! What time this show on? On Monday, 9 o'clock, CBS.
And on what's the network CBS.
at what time? And if I want to watch it, what day? Monday, Monday night And this is on the Radio? No, it's television.
Mondays at 9.
On CBS.
And if I want to see it What time should i watch it? On what channel? CBS.
What day? Monday.
On the Radio? Television.
Turn the television to what channel? CBS.
at what time? and if i want to see it on certain day what would be the best day to see it? It was only on Monday.
And what time would be good time to see it? from 9 to 9.
30 So if I turn my radio on at 9 o'clock No radio, television.
So is Mondays at 9 on NBC.
CBS.
CBS.
On the radio.
Television.
And we finished.