The Simpsons s16e20 Episode Script

Home Away From Homer

You're listening to nationwide public radio.
It's now 2 o'clock.
Time for "verbal tea" with Amy Levine-Gonzales.
Oh boy! This is what sunny sunday afternoons are for.
Today we'll discuss a dying form of Peruvian banjo music, with Dartmouth banjologist Stephan Withmore.
It's just, uh It's not that good.
- In our second hour, humorist David Sedaris takes a wry look at overcrowding in America's prisons.
Prison overcrowding? I've got a solution for that.
Oh, my God! USA! USA! But first, we're giving away tickets to the latest film by a acclaimed director Ladswill Klernt.
Her films are so lyrical! The phone lines are gonna be jammed.
Winner of the Romanian Film Festival's prestigious golden bucket Holy crap! Someone actually calling! Hey, I won four free movie tickets and it starts in half an hour! Free movie tickets? I feel like Roger Ebert or as kiss ass new partner.
But we don't have a sitter for Maggie! She'll be fine here, under the watchful eye of grandma Shark Week.
TV Shark is not a babysitter! How about this guy? - Homer! Howdy, Homer, you here for viewing my shampooing? Shut up, Flanders.
I need a favor.
Would you mind watching Maggie for a while? It'll only be until later! - Ho, sorry, but I promise to rewind videotapes for the poor.
- Come on, Flanders! Isn't that Bible of yours say to love thy neighbor? Why won't you love me? All right neighbor.
I'll babysit.
- Thanks, Ned.
Hey, you wore a bathing suit in the bathtub? - Yeah, so I can't see my own shrinky dinck.
Make sense.
Instead of video games, they have weird free newspapers.
Mum, am I a "butch" or "femme"? Honey, you can be anything you wanna be.
This theater sucks.
My seats are uncomfortable, the screen's only half of screen and that guy's eating an apple.
Would you care for a segment? - Yes.
What an language is this? Gibi-gabi? - It's Albanian.
But the producers added Mom, I don't wanna read, it's the weekend.
I've had enough, I'm leaving.
Oh, I'm stuck.
Why did I eat that apple segment? Sorry, Maggie.
That's something to collect, not to enjoy.
It's one of my humble figurines, he's scampered out of Parade magazine and into my nick neck nook and the well his little buddies soon followed.
You like 'em, huh? Come on, I'll show you the other 300.
How could this I feel so much empathy for those villagers.
They had to drink their own tears.
I was so bored I cut the ponytail of the guy sitting in front of us! Look at me, I'm a grad student, I'm 30 years old and I made 600$ last year! Bart, don't make fun of grad students.
They just made a terrible life choice.
Judas bear, you're not touching your last supper.
I can't eat, because my conscience is heavy.
Boys, enough of your shenanigans, it's bed time.
Ned, let me give you a little something for babysitting.
I can't take money from a neighbor, although business at the Leftorium's been pretty slow since that big chain store came to town.
You've got a big house, Ned.
If you need extra money, why don't you rent out a room? Well, it might be fun to be a landlord.
Land fella! There's only one lord.
I need a place to stay away from my mom's drying out.
Well, I'd love to help you out, but you'd have to be over 18.
I am.
Check out my ID.
Wait, this is my license.
- No, it's not, ya-hamp.
Well, I do appreciate that you've got a cashier's check.
Now, do you have any pets? I'm Katja and this is Viki.
We make much study at community college.
We're like here about the room.
We moved out of our dorm, because it was like coed.
Sometimes we saw all the boys in there Robes.
You poor thing.
Now I've heard about those robes.
Flapping everywhere Girls, welcome to your very own, Ned and breakfast.
Silly talk means yes? Here's your room, ladies.
You can catch some zees, while you earn those degrees.
You rhyme like Snoopy Dog.
- Well, thank you.
I know what we can ask Jeeves.
Why does he suck? Hey, a banner ad! - Sexyslumberparty.
com? - It's flashing! We better click it! Katja, do you think anyone's watching? - If they are, they will see us explore our sex without restraint! Hey, this is one of those dirty web sites.
- Two girls? Who would want that? You may inside come! I've got fine cappuccinos for Ned's pre-med's.
Flanders? That's odd.
I could sworn I just heard someone shriek my name.
You heard nothing! - Oh, that's better.
Spank me again with little boy's picture.
What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying.
Scantily clad coeds? Why you little! I'll teach you to have a libido - Dad, look who's in there! Flanders? He doesn't even know what's going on.
Wait till I tell everyone about this, I'll feel important without drinking! That will be weird.
What a combination! Hot chicks and stupid Flanders.
And you say Mr.
Flanders remains completely ignorant of their .
kamasutra? Yep, and nobody's telling him.
Not even his good buddy God.
Boy, nothing is sexier than still photos in a girly magazine.
Sensual, isn't it? And the best part is, stupid Flanders doesn't even know it's happening in his stupid house.
It's my nickname, Stupid_Flanders! Hey, Moses, are you a loser? "Yes I am, Homer.
" How are those two calmly boarders of yours, Ned? Well, Mel, they're swell.
Oh, yeah.
They're just what my laptop needed.
Son, I need to pee, but I can't stop watching.
Fetch me a bottle.
Come on dad, I've seen you hit the toilet from here.
What are you two doing? - We're watching the latest photos from Mars.
Ho-ho, great stuff.
Worth every billion.
Bart! Turn away from that screen and look out the window! No problemo.
It's happening in Ned's house! Why would he allow that? Well, that's obvious.
He doesn't even know.
Come on! You tell him right now! Ned, Homer has something to tell you.
I'm thinking about getting a yogurt franchise.
It's called Plops You know what I mean.
OK.
Flanders, you see You soft-core sophomores took advantage of my trustful nature and sold to Internet by putting pornography on it! Get out! Whole town is laughing at me behind my back.
I guess you're the only real friend I have.
- Are you kidding? Homer's the one what adviced us up to this sexy going's on.
Homer, is this true? - Ned, I had no choice.
It was just so funny.
The Bible says: "Cast your bread upon the waters.
" But all I got was a bunch of soggy bread.
Soggy bread - Don't say it Homer, this is not the time.
bread.
What's wrong, daddy? Well Toddy, you know how I said our friends are like the Canaanites? Today I realized they are more like the Midianites.
I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear.
that only exists in the brains of us Republicans.
Made in Humbleton, PA.
I don't usually make big life decisions based on things stamped on things that I bought at the garage sale.
But corn doggett, boys, it's time for a change! Dad, I don't think you realize what you've done.
You've totally humiliated the best friend the Simpsons ever had.
You're right.
But you know who the real victim is here? Ned.
- That's we've been trying to tell you! Ooh yeah What's this? Goodbye Springfield.
The Flanders family has pulled up stakes.
You have laughed at us for the last-diddly-ast time.
Last-diddly-ast? He is gone! And it's all someone's fault! Well Homer, you've given away the best neighbor of family could ever want.
But at least we have a chance to start fresh, so let's be on our best behavior, OK? Don't worry Marge.
I've taken every precaution.
This is so humiliating.
Well at least your name's on the bowl.
I submit, I submit! Hey, I'm Homer Simpson.
I live next door.
So, is that your whistle? - Damn straight.
Clay Roberts.
I coach wrestling, so everybody calls me coach Listen neighborino, I wanna start our relationship all from a right foot so if you need anything, anything at all - What jagoff left this here? Boys, we're home.
That's coming from next door! Don't worry, I'll straight things up with coach Clay.
We're good buddies.
We've played this game called "who can punch the softest".
And he always let me win.
Hey, Coach, do you mind turning down the music, my baby's trying to take a nap.
That's to bad, cause my twins are just waking up, dude.
Encourage me! - Looking good.
Feel the burn.
Louder! - You're God! I can't think of many more! Just say: go, go, go! - Go, go, go! Say it like you mean it, you wuss! Howdy, Humbletonian! - Picnics and pixie-sticks! I'll see your smile and raise you a wink and a giggle.
This town is sweeter than a cake made of pie.
Even the dogs curb themselves.
Everyone new begins here.
In the dimple department.
Can I start yesterday? There is one personal matter.
I'm afraid you'll have to lose the hippie lip.
Get rid of dr.
Fuzzenstein? I couldn't dream of thinking about considering I'll see what I can do.
Very good.
Until then, you can wear this.
Daddy, why did you have to shave your nose neighbor? You know what, I'm not gonna! My mustache has the right to life.
It's my body and my choice! This is for you.
Tonight, on celebrity chopshop, we sell the parts of Jason Bateman's Bentley.
What did you do to my car? - Dude, you've been chopshoped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Hey, you knocked out my power! How am I supposed to eat without watching TV? Yeah, something tells me you won't starve, ha? Ha, chief? Ha? When you gonna stop poking me? Will it be soon? Relax, dumb ass.
Oh, by the way, I borrowed some gas from your car.
You dumb ass! But I siphoned that gas from Flanders! Flanders What are you doing? Reminiscing, like a woman? Like a woman whose made the biggest mistake of her life! Homer? What are you doing here? Oh, I was just driving around the mid-atlantic states, ringing doorbells at random, and I just Who am I fooling with my awesome lies? I want you to come back to Springfield! Why? So you can make me a laughingstock again? No, I wanna make you a respecting stock.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I borrowed a lot of your stuff over the years.
Well, that is true, in fact - Shut up, Flanders.
But some things I could never take from you, your kindness, your gentle spirit, and your infinite patience with a big dumb jerk like me.
Oh Ned, I don't deserve you as a neighbor, but will you forgive a young handsome fool and come home? Homer, that's really touching, but my boys and I are trying to make a new start, and people here are little bit more my type Are there letters to pick up, or no letters to pick up? I can't tell, and I'm looking right at it! That tears it.
Boys, put on your goody two shoes! We're moving back to Springfield! But I have a girlfriend! - Now you got a pen pal.
So you see Mr.
Roberts, I really would like my house back.
Really, well that's too bad, cause I'm not leaving.
See, I like this place, and I've already got fatso here broken in.
Ain't that right fatso? Yeah, I am a little fatty.
You got me.
Now coach I've try to be a Christian and respectful, but I guess I'm just gonna have to point out your 200 000$ check bounced.
Legally, I still own this house! - Oh yeah? Tell it to the marines.
OK, I give! Why did you do that? I was begging for mercy! I saw my advantage and I took it.
That's what hero's do.
OK, Ned.
Get ready for your welcome home surprise! Homer, did you steal the organ from the church? Maybe, we don't know that for sure.
- Well you gotta take it back! After the party.
It feels great to look down my nose at everybody again.
Mind if I waggle my finger a little bit? - Go nuts! Flanders, OK, that's it, it's really irritating!