The Simpsons s17e04 Episode Script

Treehouse of Horror XVI

COMMENTATOR: We're here at game six of the World Series.
The highlight so far, a cloud shaped like a giraffe that floated by during the rain delay.
Oh, would you look at that? The batter just called time-out again.
Now, let's look in the stands at the players' wives.
Well, what do you know? They're talking on cell phones.
No doubt complaining about the good life.
This is the most boring game in all the universe.
And with all the steroids they take, the players look like freaks.
BOTH: Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! COMMENTATOR: And next week on Fox, catch the new OC spinoff, Pomona.
lt's even hotter away from the beach.
Mmm-mmm.
If we don't speed up this game, The Simpsons Halloween special won't air until Administrative Professionals Day.
Speaking of which, we must remember to get Dorothy something.
(BOTH GROWLING) Yeah.
The boredom is excruciating.
Fire the accele-ray! COMMENTATOR: Rodriguez pops it to right field as some sort of accele-ray bathes the stadium in an eerie, green glow.
(LAUGHS) Who would've thunk it? It's still boring.
Faster! But the fabric of the universe itself may shatter! Good.
Only then could the Cubs finally win.
KODOS: Smooth move, Space-lax.
You've destroyed the totality of existence.
KANG: It'll be fine.
I'll just leave a note.
Patty, is it you or me who likes grape jelly? For 35 cents off, I love it.
Hey, Lise, I bet I could jump in the swimming pool from here.
Bart, that would be the stupidest thing you ever did.
No, the stupidest thing would be doing it backwards.
(GRUNTS) Cowa (THUD) (GASPS) Uh, Mom, remember how you wished we would never grow up? (MONITOR BEEPING) I'm afraid your son is in a deep, deep coma from which he will never emerge.
I guess we should count our blessings he's not dead.
Don't I know it.
This way I get to keep billing you.
(LAUGHS) Bart, wake up! I got that bike you wanted.
(RINGS BELL) (SOBBING) Now, Marge, if you miss your boy that much, you could replace him with one of these.
MARGE: A robot? Wow, a robot kid would be a blast.
We could confuse him and make his head explode.
(IMITATING ROBOT VOICE) "This statement is a lie.
" But if it's a lie, then it must be true.
But if it's true, then it must be Whoop, whoop, whoop Kaboom! And a robot would take your mind off your dead son.
I thought he was in a coma! They're pretty much the same thing.
Except this way I get to keep billing you.
You already said that.
Well, you didn't laugh the first time.
Okay, your robot son is good to go.
You want me to boot him up? Okay.
(GRUNTS) Ow! Mom, that hurt.
Uh! He knows how to push all my buttons.
And here's how to push his.
Now, I'm a man who likes to strangle his kids.
You think I could Sure.
Let him have it.
Why, you metal (CHOKING) Wow! The windpipe is incredibly responsive.
(CHOKING) Yeah.
That's the 0-6s for you.
MARGE: David is So helpful.
And he's great with the neighbors! Hi-diddily-ho! There's no bot like a robot! (LAUGHS) Ooh! Ow! My Flander-doodles! Having a robot brother troubles me.
The ethical implications are really tensing me up.
(WHIRRING) (MOANS) Goodbye, implications.
(MONITOR BEEPING) bunga! What the More waffles, Father? Nice and hotto, Mr.
Roboto.
David, you're by far the best son I've ever had.
Uh-oh.
Did you replace me with this tinker toy? "Replace" is such an ugly word.
We upgraded.
Bart, we can befriends.
Eat my shorts! I will comply.
(WHIRRING) (BELL DINGS) Mmm.
Here.
Make me a kitty.
(GRUNTS) (SINGING) Johnny come lately The new kid in town (CRACKLING) Everybody loves you So don't let them down You look in her eyes The music begins to play Hopeless romantics Here we go again But after a while, you're lookin' the other way (ELEPHANT TRUMPETS) (CHITTERING) I hate going to the zoo.
I feel so sorry for the animals.
Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals.
In the wild, they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose You know, the American dream.
(LION GROWLING) BART: Time to get rid of the competition.
(GRUNTS) (GROANS) (PEACOCKS CAWING) Whoo! Thank God I landed in a bunch of fruity birds.
(HISSING) (SCREAMS) This is where stem-cell research led us? David and Bart just aren't working out.
We have to do something.
Hmm HOMER: I'm really sorry, but our family just can't handle both of you boys-.
I hope that somewhere deep in your data banks, you process fond memories of us.
The sad part is, there were times when I actually had feelings for you.
I almost felt I was your father.
What are you talking about? David feels, and your mother will agree when I tell her, that it's best for our family if you're no longer in it.
(GRUNTS) We're still going to the toy store, right? And I can pick out as many toys as I want? HOMER: No toys! (THUNDER RUMBLING) (BART MUMBLING) There should be a law against abandoning your child.
(SCREAMS) Don't fear us.
We're gentle robots who were cast off just like you.
I'm not a robot.
I'm human.
(ALL GASP) Tell me, young man, what is it like to have feelings? I said I'm a human, not a girl.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) Uh, I think it's about time we all power down for the night.
Can I stay with you guys tonight? Of course.
And maybe someday, you'll teach us to love.
Yeah, maybe.
What did you used to do? I was a lawnmower.
I could cut grass at three different heights but I could not love.
I get it.
I get it.
It sucks to be you.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
(GROANS) What the F-prompt? Our pans are gone.
We've been harvested.
My servos are gone.
That boy screwed us over.
He peed on me.
You are a urinalbot.
Lavatron.
(LAUGHING) (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, it's Bart.
Super.
(ALL SCREAM) (SINGSONG) I'm home! You told me he was at culinary school.
You wanted to believe the lie.
Time to destroy the one who did this to me.
To get me, you'll have to go through your fa Oh, those were my good pants! Well, the important thing is we're a family again.
This stinks! I got stubby little robot legs and an ass that's not equipped for an adult diet.
(GROANS) LISA: Dad.
Dad, wake up.
You're not a robot.
You're just possessed by the devil.
The power of Christ compels thee! (BABBLING) I'll call work and tell them he can't make it.
Woo-hoo! (LAUGHS) Suckers.
(COCKING GUN) (SCREAMING) "Dear Homer Simpson, "Mr.
Burns invites you to a hunting party at his private estate.
"Parentheses, 'Sinister Laugh,' close parentheses.
" Please don't accept this invitation, Dad.
Hunting is cruel.
Honey, animals don't feel death.
That was proved by the scientists at Black Angus.
No fair.
Dad gets to kill wild animals.
But I shoot one bird, and I have to go to a psychiatrist.
(GROANS) He still thinks that hobo was a bird.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) This is a pretty sweet deal, Burns inviting us over.
What kind of motive do you think he has? Ulterior.
Mmm.
Welcome all! Now, to explain why I summoned you here.
Oh, God, here it comes.
Time-share pitch.
Well, I got bad credit so the joke's on you! You're here to participate in a hunt for the world's most dangerous game.
The most dangerous game? What could it be? Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
The game I'm hunting ls all of you.
Now, because I am too kind, I will give you all a five-minute head start.
You may commence running! Five minutes of running? Shoot me now.
(GUNSHOT) Well, that broke the ice.
Now any man who lives till noon tomorrow shall win his freedom.
Excuse me.
What gives you the legal right to do this? You tell me.
You're my lawyer.
Well, I guess you are zoned for hunting, and you have previously claimed killing people as part of your religion.
I think I can draw something up.
(TYPEWRITER DINGS) There.
This should hold up in just about any courtroom.
Excellent.
(ALL SHOUTING) The game is afoot.
(SNIFFS) I smell fear.
Mixed with curry.
APU: Uh-oh.
Aah! You got me! But I shall be reincarnated.
(GROANS) Ha-ha! You can't kill a Hindu! Aah! Help me, Jesus! (WHIMPERING) ANNOUNCER: You're watching The World Series of Manslaughter.
The most violent TV spectacle since the Hip Hop Image Awards.
Mom, Mr.
Burns is gonna kill Dad! I should've known something was wrong when we got this week's TV guide.
(LISA GASPS) Now for his take on tonight's bloodthirsty action, here's guest analyst Terry Bradshaw.
Terry? Well, conventional wisdom says good fleeing will always beat good chasing.
But the stats say put your money on the guy with the gun.
(SCREAMING) (GRUNTS) Dying is just like golfing, except in golf (GUNSHOTS) Aww! You hate to see that.
That's the kind of showboating that'll turn people off this sport.
Hey, hey, Homer.
Burns is coming.
Climb up.
(GRUNTING) Oh, you fat ass! (ALL SCREAMING) Na-na! You missed me! (GROANS) Well, before I die, I'll just scratch that lottery ticket I got in my pocket.
"Instant jackpot, one million dollars!" If I make it out alive, I could (YELLS) Homer, Burns has only been chasing us for six hours, and you've already resorted to cannibalism.
And there's bananas in that tree up there.
Uh, they look a little green.
Carl, I see heaven.
What does it look like? ALL: Hurry up, Lenny.
We'll be late for work at the plant.
(SIGHS AND GROANS) You can't escape me, Simpson.
You are not smart enough.
HOMER: Yes, l am! I mean (MAKING ANIMAL NOISES) Oh, no! I've been killed! Outfoxed him with the corpse of my best friend.
Hee-hee! (GRUNTS) (MR.
BURNS COCKING GUN) Ahh! Is there room in the head bag, Smithers? I can make room.
Excellent.
(LOUD THUD) Done, and done! Marge, you saved me! D'oh! What was that for? Staying out 18 hours and not calling home once! Oh, I can't stay mad at you when that pan smells like sausage and onions.
Mmm And I am glad you're okay.
(MOANING) All right.
And there you have it.
Terry Bradshaw, your thoughts on what just transpired.
Well, it's a disgrace, Roger.
This network will show a dozen gruesome murders but I bet they cut to commercial before these two begin the tender act of love.
(BOTH MOANING) I spoke too soon, huh? There they go! Whoa! That's going in my playbook.
Oh.
Everyone's wearing such an interesting costume.
Look, Grampa's a gorilla, Sideshow Mel is Spider-Man, and Nelson's a raccoon.
I'm not a raccoon! I'm the Lone Ranger! I'm too poor to afford the hat.
That's not even a mask.
It's axle grease.
Don't listen to him, Silver.
(IMITATES HORSE NEIGHING) And now the finalists for Best Costume.
First, we have Blacula.
Oh, because I'm black and I'm Dracula, that makes me Blacula? (SCOFFS) My wife said, "Don't go as Dracula," but I said, "Bernice, we live in the 21 st century.
" Send him the standard racist remark apology.
They're in the middle drawer.
Our other finalist is this hideous witch.
(CACKLING) (ALL CHEERING) Congratulations, you have won this $25 Kwik-E-Mart certificate.
Sucker.
Twenty-five bucks won't buy you half a Balance Bar.
I exaggerate, but really, my prices are very high.
Thank you! Wait! Before you leave, we'd all like to know which of our beloved regulars you are under that costume.
Lindsay Naegle? Helen Lovejoy? Old Jewish Man? No.
I'm right here, dressed as my brother Irving.
(SIGHS) Every day I miss him.
(LAUGHS) This is a little awkward because I'm not wearing a costume.
I'm a real witch.
(ALL GASP) Wait a minute.
That's cheating! Burn her Gift certificate! Since you are not technically in costume, you cannot win this award! Rescind my award, will you? You're all gonna pay! Taint of mute and scum of pond, thou shalt become the guise thou donned! (ALL MURMURING) Speak English, moron.
I'm turning you into your costumes.
Well, are you gonna talk about it or are you gonna do it? (EXCLAIMS) (HORSE NEIGHING) Whoa! I'm not a raccoon! I'm the Lone Ranger! Ooh! Disco Stu wishes he'd gone as Marilyn McCoo! (MUTTERING) Good luck getting your deposits back on those costumes! (ALL PROTESTING) Seymour, I told you not to go as G.
I.
Joe! Mother, I'm fine.
I Uh-oh.
Oh, this isn't fair.
I wasn't wearing a costume.
Look at me! I'm a young, strappin' gorilla! Ow! My hip, it's shattered.
Somebody help me.
Off we go to the gorilla hospital.
ABE: That's it, suck out the poison.
Wait a minute.
(ABE SCREAMS) (HOWLING) I am not a happy meal right now.
I'm telling you, I'm Oberon, king of the fairies! You're a big fat bug! And you're going down! (CAT WHINING) (GROANS) My spine is not a scratching post! (MEOWS) (IN GERMAN ACCENT) Oh! There must be some way out of this verdammten spell.
Lisa, you think you could check on your father? Oh! That's an excellent use of a genius brain, to look after an idiot head.
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION) Uh! Uh! Dammit! (GASPS) That's the answer! Maggie's a real witch now.
She can reverse the spell! (GROWLS) I don't want to reverse the spell.
I can howl at the moon and eat rats.
(SQUEAKS) (HOWLING) (CRASHING) I don't want to change, either.
Now I can pull horses out of the mud.
Then girls will like me.
And I'm Jared from the Subway ads.
I'm only a little overweight and sexually ambiguous.
Don't listen to them, Maggie.
Maggie? Please change me back.
This bumblebee has developed an unhealthy obsession with me.
I don't want flowers! I am a flower! As for Apu-D2, I could go either way.
(IMITATES WHIRRING) Click, click, oink.
HOMER: Please change (ALL TALKING AT ONCE) Oh, well.
This still beats being Moe.
Okay, this concludes this year's Halloween show.
We hope you had as much fun watching our show as the Koreans did animating it.
But there's one group for whom every day is Halloween.
I'm talking about adult illiterates.
For them, trying to read the morning newspaper is more terrifying than any goblin, ghoul, spook, or spirit.
So won't you please donate a children's book or something? Together we can make reading a slam dunk.
Dennis Rodman? What are you doing here? Working off a speeding ticket.
Happy Halloween, everybody!