The Simpsons s17e13 Episode Script

The Seemingly Never-Ending Story

Checking out a cave is gonna be awesome! It'll be dark with rocks and mineral formations and plants that have adapted to harsh wait a minute! This is a scam.
We're on a nature walk! Don't worry, Bart.
I brought something that'll keep you interested-- a nickel in a water bottle! He'll sleep tonight.
Where'd it go?! where'd it go?! It's in the cap.
Local Anahoopi indians believed this stalactite was the finger of Tsisnajini, their god of pointing down.
Silly indians.
Our god made their god.
It's so impressive.
I'm just gonna get a tiny chip to put on my desk at work.
Save me, Tsisnajini! I'm stuck! And I have to pee.
Now I'm just stuck.
Don't worry, Homer.
We'll get that fireman who cut you out of that teacup ride.
That was two firemen, a crane and snow white.
Why you little! This chamber's not on the map! We could be stuck in here forever if we don't find a way out! Well, we better start looking.
Don't leave me! I hate to be alone! Except when I'm watching TV, then leave me alone.
But right now, don't leave! I'll stay with you, dad.
Will you tell me a story? Sure.
Once upon a time, in a far-off kingdom No unicorns.
All right I'll tell you something that happened to me last week.
I was walking home from school when suddenly I heard Hello, Mr.
Bighorn sheep! I've read about you.
You're shy, and you rarely approach humans.
And of course you'd never attack a fellow herbivore! Mad beast! Liberal midget! Good lord! A wooly bully! Run! Run! Come on.
Enter password.
Damn it! I forget! Forgot password? Enter place of birth.
Pangaea.
Correct.
Your password has been e-mailed to you.
So long, sucker! I mean, don't leave an old man to die.
So long, sucker! Maybe Mr.
Smithers will help us.
No, he's out getting a spray-on tan.
He comes back orange and stains the furniture.
The man's a walking creamsicle! You worked at Moe's? Yes and therein lies a tale of woe and heartbreak.
One I couldn't possibly recount.
I understand.
I'll just read a magazine.
Okay, here's the story: I belong to a very exclusive club, the excluders' club.
One day, while I was savoring the exclusivity Wait, wait, wait, wait Now you're telling me Burns's story? Yeah it's like the play within a play in Hamlet.
Let's see it's like when you watch old home movies of you watching TV.
Gotcha.
One day a new member arrived at the club Who's this dried-up ol' apricot? I'm in oil.
What's your racket, slim? Nuclear power.
I make money using my brain, not sticking a pole in the ground and praying for goo.
You need to get your hands dirty, poindexter! Dip 'em in a little Texas crude! Down in Houston, we call that a fort worth shampoo! Sir, I challenge you to a duel! You got it! A bullet in the brain at high noon! At my age, that could kill me! How about we settle things with a scavenger hunt? You're on, twiggy! Sorry 'bout that.
Gentlemen, you will each be given an identical list of ten items.
The first person to collect all items on said list is the winner, and shall receive all of his opponent's worldly possessions.
I'm gonna win me a nucular plant! Dream on, bitch.
Scavengers scavenge! I'm bald! I had but one item left on the list a picture of myself with a smiling child.
what could be easier? It's the boogeyman's grandfather! He's gonna drink our bones! Smile! Like this! I won! Everything yours is mine! Hiyo, Smithers! Away! With nowhere else to turn, I spent the first three days with relatives.
I had to get a job.
And I had to start at the bottom.
But to get to the bottom, I had to work my way up from Moe.
Hey, bar-boy, this table's wobbly.
Come jam your foot under it.
sHey, bar-boy, write a play where I meet Henry Ford and captain Kirk.
Hey, bar-boy, dance around like an idiot.
Like this! I'm so stupid! I'm so stupid! I'm a little busy.
Can I do it later? Sure! You're gonna be all I'm so stupid! I'm so stupid! I'm so stupid!" Burns sure will look like a jerk later! At $5.
15 an hour, it would take an eternity to make my fortune back and fica wasn't helping.
But then, for once in my life, things went my way.
I steamed the letter open with Moe's cappuccino machine.
If you're reading this, I am dead, and you are about to learn the story of my treasure.
Treasure?! Treasure?! Moe has a cappuccino machine?! we couldn't find a way out.
But on the up side, I found some cave paintings and made them awesome.
Boy, come here and listen to Lisa's story.
It's about Moe's treasure.
So to contin ue with the sad sto Ry of Moe's treasure.
It was the first day of summer.
I was heading to the restaurant supply store to buy some urinal cake mix when I was suddenly sideswiped by love.
There she was, the gorgeous new girl in town, Edna Krabappel.
You poor man.
She had gossamer hair, limpid eyes and the rack of an angel.
I see you're new to town.
Maybe I could show you around.
I know a terrific tavern.
My ex-husband was a drunk.
I hate bars, saloons, nightclubs, and most of all, taverns.
Yeah, me, too.
That's why I'm not a tavern keeper.
What do you do for a living? Me? Well I, for a living? Well, there's, all kinds of things a fella can do, such as hemming and hawing and, but me, I'm a highly respected therapist for alcoholics.
Wow.
I knew that in order to win her love I needed to get rid of the human garbage otherwise known as my best friends.
Get out of my come on! Barney, how do you keep getting back in? I'm a drunk.
I don't know nothing about how I do anything.
Fly me to the moon let me play among the stars for one sweet summer, I was a true gentleman.
As a result of which, Krabappel was letting me do her.
So, Mrs.
Krabappel, you got any plans? In the fall, I'll be teaching fourth grade at Springfield elementary.
That's great.
Wonderful bunch of kids.
Lab partners don't treat lab partners like this! Shut up and attract lightning.
Edna, you've made me feel love where before there was only pain.
Come here, you.
Oh, geez.
Hey, Moe.
Thanks to you, I've been sober a week.
Yeah, me, too! We're all sober.
These are some of the local alcoholics I told you about.
Don't pigeonhole us.
We have other vices.
I dress up like a baby.
Come on, guys, let me give you some counseling over here.
Listen, boozebags, I got a good thing going here.
If you mess it up, I will out the one of you that is gay.
So, where were we? I had to get Edna out of Springfield, make a fresh start in a new town far away, a place where we can play bridge with our neighbors.
And if they're interested in wife-swapping, who am I to say no? Hey, I'm just the new guy.
But where would I get the money to start a new life? And then opportunity strolled right in the door.
Yes, well, I need directions to the Springfield natural history museum.
I totally have a donation for them.
Coins money gold! See, this was back before snake became a notorious jailbird, when he was an idealisc, law-abiding young archaeologist.
I was, like, excavating this mayan pyramid, and I totally unearth these gold coins, and I'm all like, could you be any more pre-columbian? You can't donate that gold to the museum today, because, it's closed, so they can clean under the wangs on the statues.
Well, no problem.
I'll just spend the night in that motel across the street there.
Love had handed me an awful dilemma.
Should I rob this guy or rob him and kill him? I decided to do the right thing.
I've been robbed! I'll take my revenge on society by which, I mean convenience stores.
And who would suspect me, professor Jailbird?! Before we left town for good, we had to make one stop, so she could tell the school she wouldn't be teaching there.
Back in a flash, my sweet little gargoyle! I was the happiest guy in the world.
But fate likes to play a little game called up yours, Moe.
Moe, we need to talk.
About what? How nothing changed when you were in there? Not exactly.
You see, when I went inside Young man, it's summertime.
What are you doing here? I've got detention all summer.
Why? Because I'm a screwup.
My sister's the smart one.
All I do is get in trouble.
Sweetheart, do you want to do better? It doesn't matter.
Everyone's pretty much given up on me.
I bet I won't even make it through fourth grade.
You'lle it through fourth grade, because I'm going to stay here and be your teacher.
Wait, wait, wait.
There's one thing I don't understand here.
You never had detention all summer.
That load of crap? No, I was just keeping her busy while Nelson stole microscopes.
Make with the story.
Well, my best recollection of Burns' paraphrasing of what he read in moe's letter is that Krabappel told Moe I have to stay here in Springfield, because boys like Bart Simpson need me sweet, misunderstood boys, who just need someone to recognize the basic goodness that's trapped inside them and is desperately trying to get out.
There was nothing I could do.
Well, except go nuts.
You crazy skirt! Nobody backs out on fake good Moe! I ought to! why do you all! in other words I love If I couldn't spend the treasure on Edna, I didn't want to spend it.
I just sat there playing our song on the jukebox, one gold coin at a time.
" Oh, you poor man.
You're about to get a lot poorer.
okay, I'll take your gold and give you back all your worldly possessions, 'ceptin' your nucular plant.
You don't get that back till you bring me a photo of yourself with a smiling child.
what the hell could that mean to you? I'm obsessive-compulsive! One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
No nucular plant without a photo.
One, two, three, four.
That's where we left off.
One, two, three, four.
So, without my beloved nuclear plant, I have nothing to live for.
Take me, a barren old thistle, and spare this sweet young flower.
My pearl necklace.
I must have lost it, and you were just bringing it back to me? How did you find this? The sheep was no danger at all.
I sacrificed my gorgeous body for nothing.
This must be what it's like to have a baby.
I want a photo of the hero who risked his life to save me.
A picture of me with a smiling child.
I can get my plant back! Mr.
Burns got his plant back, and I like to think I found a shred of humanity in his withered soul.
Dad, did my story make you cry? Well, it was very moving, but the thing is, bats are chewing my legs! Why did I lead you down here to find those stupid coins? Homer, you brought us to this horrible place on purpose? You didn't think it was so horrible when you were falling down the hole.
That was the most horrible part of all! Well, I guess I should explain.
Not long ago, it was my day to take care of the baby, so I was out in the forest, hiding.
The yellow gold of texas is what I want to save I will not pay no taxes if I hide it in a cave.
I deduced from his parody lyrics that he was hiding gold in the cave.
I figured he'd never miss two or three pieces money which we could use to pay for Bart's operation.
I need an operation? That's a story for another day.
I realized I could never find the gold without your help, so I made it this week's family outing.
I'll take that gold, if'n you please.
How can you take it? We haven't found it.
It's right there behind that rock.
No, to your left.
Texas left, which is your "down.
" I'll take that gold, if'n you please.
Not so fast, shady Bird Johnson! I'll take that gold.
Yeah, you'll take it.
And then you'll give it to me, if you know what's good for ya.
you guys have guns? Well, so do I.
Coolest entrance gets the gold.
Is it okay that I brought my son? This is my day with him.
Jeremy, there's a boy over there you can play with.
Do you like XBox? Looks like we got us a mexican standoff.
If you all don't drop your guns and behave, no one gets the gold.
And why do you really want it anyway? Moe, will the gold bring back Edna's love? It could.
Definitely.
Mr.
Burns, isn't it more important that you got a child to smile at you? Honestly, no, I'd rather have the gold.
Absolutely.
I couldn't agree more.
I can see there's only one way to turn you into human beings again.
Lady, I oughta fill you full of gratitude! That gold was turning us into monsters.
Well, I know a place where we can atone for our misdeeds.
They're building a youth center in Shelbyville and totally need volunteers.
Let's go there now! Yes, let's.
I'llI'll catch up with you.
And that's why I didn't have time to study for my geography test.
Bart, do you expect me to believe that? That story is the biggest load of Krabappel? Making out with Moe? But I thought you didn't want to date a tavern owner.
At this point, all I want's a man with a healthy libido.
Well, this is where it gets awkward again.
Moe can't catch a break! One, two, three, four.
Can't catch a break.
One, two, three, four.
Can't catch a break.
One, two, three, four.
And there's some producers.
One, two, three, four.
Four producers.
transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Marcel & Toki