The Simpsons s17e22 Episode Script

Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play

We now return to Hunch.
There's your murderer.
Are you sure, Hunch? How do you know? Something about his hair I don't know.
How did we miss that? Get him! You did it again, Hunch.
Let's go grab a bite.
You know what I'm in the mood for? Could it be turkey? But how did you? It's amazing they've gotten Remember when we saw Hunch's butt in the shower? That was two seasons ago.
Now you can only see butts on cable.
This is Kent Brockman, with an isotope baseball update.
The 'topes are in first place since the acquisition of home-run king Buck Mitchell.
Thanks to him, Springfield is once again overrun with fair-weather fans.
The isotopes are winning? To the bandwagon! Nothing beats a day at the ballpark with my family.
Tickets, tickets, who needs tickets? Homer, we need those tickets to get in.
Don't worry, I'll use the money I make to buy tickets from a scalper.
Then I'll sell those tickets, and we'll be rich.
Rich! We did it, baby.
We made it through the rain.
Tickets, $30.
Big game.
Everybody wants to see the game.
Cop! Act like you're in love with me.
Peanuts.
$5 peanuts.
You want to know something, Bart? Nah, I know enough.
I, myself, played in this ballpark, back in nineteen forty-deuce.
That was during the war, when sushi was called "liberty logs," and no one had ever heard of it.
But grandpa, in 1942, they only played women's baseball here.
Let's just say one of the ladies had some extra equipment.
I was a center fielder for the Springfield floozies.
The pay wasn't much, but it kept me out of the war for a year.
Effie Lou is a man! Get him! He could threaten my record for lady triples.
That was a magical summer.
How'd I get here? Now, to sing our national anthem, payola recording artist Tabitha Vixx! She's married to Buck Mitchell.
I bet that's why she's here tonight honoring america.
Oh, say, can you see by the dawn'searly light and now here's somethingfrom my new album.
I'm trouble-istic stay away, boy, 'causeyou know I'm trouble-istic think you can control me, you ain't being realistic Hey, Buck, how's it feel knowing your wife's turning on a creep like me? Weird, I bet.
Trouble-istic girlmakes your troublations grow double trouble-isticwhen you try to tell me no trouble, trouble,oh, yeah, trouble and the home of the brave.
she just embarrassed me in front of the entire tornado belt league.
So next up for the cosmos, Freddie Alvarado.
Freddie, of course,the older brother of the famous wolf boy of Juarez, Mexico.
Here's the pitch And Buck Mitchell can't find the handle.
That's an e-3 if you're keeping score at home, and if you are, your loneliness saddens me.
It's okay, buck.
Bad hop, bad hop.
Shake it off, buck.
You suck! I concur! Bart, hand me that sack of batteries.
Nine volt! Double a!D! D! D! D! Cordless drill! Job himself never had a tougher day at the ball park than Buck Mitchell.
He's made six errors, struck out twice and swallowed a bee.
My fiancée! They're making a mockery out of amerisnack.
Comtroll doll night.
You know what to do, Duffman.
Oh, yeah! Time for the duff triple-malt kiss-cam! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Duffman! But then he kissed me and then he kissed me look, it's a thing.
Each time I saw him I couldn't wait to see him again We both find public displays of affection vulgar.
Come on, doc, she'sa fine-looking woman.
You don't want to work that? I didn't know just what to do so I whispered "I love you" Homer Homer! Now we have to kiss.
The big tv istelling us to.
Look at that ugly old man.
That's you.
Give me a kiss, Homie.
Really? You'd kiss an ugly old man like me? Only if he'll kiss me back.
And then he kissed me and then he kissed me and then he kissed me.
Yeah, Homer.
Suck that face.
Remember when we used to kiss like that, Carl? With our respective girlfriends.
Yeah, I wonder where Jill and Kelly are now? I heard Jill died.
Kelly, I think, is a prostitute.
what a game! I got on the kiss-cam,I participated in "the wave" and I go to pee in a trough.
Marge, can we get a trough? For the last time, no.
Iced tea! Hey, that was my ice tea.
I just sweetened itto my liking.
Buck Mitchell! The baseball-playing man.
I barely recognize you without your costume on.
Evening, ma'am.
I-I couldn't help seeing you two exchanging marital kisses tonight.
Yes, yes, the game you played so horribly at.
Well, unfortunately, my marriage ain't so good.
I never heard anything about it on the gossip shows or the blogosphere or in my supermarket checkout magazine.
I was wondering if you and the mister could give us some marriage counseling.
You know? In return, I can give you season tickets.
Season tickets? I could entertain business clients.
I might even land the Henderson account.
Homer, can I see you in the kitchen? Sure.
That means she want sto talk in private.
It's probably about you.
Homie, I don't think our marriage is so jim-dandy that we should be counseling others.
Hey, we've gone through more hardships than the jews and Charlie Brown put together.
Well, we have managed to squeeze a lot of fun out of married life.
That's just how I feel! See, that's what I want, care free intimacy with no edge of resentment.
Buck Mitchell! Buck, I guess we can help you out.
We'll start tomorrow.
Hey, buck, buck, buck! It's me, the weird guy from the stadium! There were a lot of weird guys at the stadium tonight.
You know, I remembered you.
Buck, Tabitha, welcome.
We'll start your first marriage counseling session as soon as Homer gets here.
Sorry I'm late.
I was just gathering my counseling equipment.
Now, let's remember no one's right and no one's wrong till I say so.
I-I think what Homer means is why don't you tell us what each of you feels is the problem? Well, I'm an old-fashioned guy, you know, and when we got hitched, I just assumed she'd give up her international recording career to focus on my minor league baseball dreams.
Wow, I think we really hit on something here.
Unfortunately, we're out of time.
How does that make you feel? Shut up.
My 10:00's here.
Homer, please.
Let's see here Here's something the book's previous owner underlined-- "be honest with your partner about what you're feeling.
" I don't want to waste any more time in a mismatched marriage.
"Try to frame criticisms of your spouse in a positive way.
" Well, I'm positively sick of her shaking her lady parts for the whole world to eyeball.
Interesting.
Interesting.
Buck, you've got a beautiful woman with a hot body that any man would fantasize about even while making love to his own Marge.
Thank you, Homer.
Maybe we should stop here.
Good idea, honey.
Buck, would you mind signing a couple of baseballs for my boy? Yeah, sure.
Just sign your name above president Lincoln's.
Isn't it weird that our parents are giving marital advice? They're always fighting.
If you listen closely, you can hear them arguing right now.
And I say a monkey can mow our lawn! This house is spectacular.
You must have had a great view of the riots.
I stole a rack of fur coats.
I sell one a year to pay for christmas.
You make me laugh, Homer.
Why, 'cause I'm fat? Okay, tonight we're gonna discuss little ways to keep your romance alive: Make time for each other, an hour, an evening, a mini vacation.
Well, I am presenting at the espy awards next week.
And I'm receiving.
We can wait for our limos together.
Or take the same limo.
Like I always say,"compromise is the key.
" I always say that.
Let's compromise and say nobody said it.
And here's the pitch to Buck Mitchell.
It's going, going and like america's credibility on the world stage, that ball is gone.
Buck mitchell is back and sluggier than ever.
With five home runs in two nights, he's ended rumors of early retirement and inspired rumors of steroid abuse.
But I've heard this turn around is due to the marriage counseling of Marge and Homer Simpson, seen in this file photo.
Homer, I'm proud of you.
You've prolonged a celebrity marriage at least through playoff season.
After that, who gives a hobo's crap? Am I right? I'm a girl who loves men and we live in sexy marriage land sexy marriage land ooh, marriage sexy marriage land.
Wow, I've got this sudden urge to give her a five-dollar bill.
That's it.
We're out of here.
Hey, Tabitha, great show.
I like that part where you mentioned Springfield.
Did you know that's where you are? Why don't you stay and have a bite? You're so hot.
If only I'd seen you before I met my wife.
Homer, you're sweet, but You're talking to the chicken.
Don't tell the hamburger in my car.
Listen, these shows always tense me up.
While your finger sare greasy, could you give me a neck rub? Okay.
So why didn't you marry one of your crummy backup dancers? They're day laborers.
We picked them up inthe home depot parking lot.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's it.
Right there.
Oh, yes.
Yes, it feels so good.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, baby.
Thank god I brought protection.
I used to be so embarrassed buying these.
Homer simpson? You're supposed to be my marriage counselor.
I did work book pages for you.
We're going to have a lot to talk about at your 3:00.
There ain't gonna be a 3:00.
cancellations require 24 hours notice.
And that's why Lou Gehrig was a selfish cry baby who deserved to die.
Springfield, let's hear from you.
Yeah, I got a question.
How come Buck Mitchell's game is in the toilet again? Well, rumor has it his marriage is failing due to the inept counseling of Homer and Marge simpson.
I knew it, I knew it! So, do I win a jock squawk t-shirt? No.
Sorry.
It don't need no writing on it.
It don't even have to be clean.
Is this Moe? What happened to that bumper sticker we gave you? WIt's holding in my hernia.
Dad, because you and mom screwed up Buck Mitchell's marriage, some kids beat me up at school today.
Yeah, they beat me up at work.
Look at the word they wrote on my skull.
Papa.
I didn't want you to learn that word this way.
Marge, we got to get Buck and Tabitha back together.
This is the most important case of our careers.
Listen, Bub, we are out of the marriage counseling business.
And the only one you should be giving chicken grease neck rubs to is me.
But not me, 'cause I thinkthey're disgusting.
So now we're judging each other based on things we've done.
Real fair.
Class act.
I'm going back to the stadium to bring those two kids back together.
And I'll do it with or without you.
Then I guess you'll do it without me.
But i wanted to do it with you.
Crossed arms mean "no.
" Tabitha, what a coincidence.
I was just thinking sad thoughts about you.
I came to tell you I'm leaving buck.
What?! No.
No what? No! W hat? Buck and I don't belong together.
Don't give up on Buck.
There must be something about him that attracted you in the first place.
Well, yeah.
He was the first man who didn't just like me for my body.
He always complimented meon my hair.
Your standing lamp is dirty.
I'll polish it.
Cancel all my appointments.
Let's go.
So here comes Buck Mitchell in a spot every kid dreams of, where a sacrifice fly could lead his minor league team to a wild card spot.
And there's the duff blimp with a special message from Tabitha to Buck.
Said zeppelin has a whole lotta love.
It's working.
Buck's buying my fake message.
And you said it would never work.
No, I said, "duffmanwill do what you want.
Stop kicking and punching duffman.
" I'm whacking this for you, baby.
And he sends one into the slug-o-sphere.
It's going going My sister's friend! Tabitha! Tabitha! This is the worst blimp crash ever! Too soon! Where are you, sweetie? She was here a minute ago.
She must be pooping.
Hey, you're lying.
This whole stunt was a lie.
Get him! He ruined mini-bat day.
Leave him alone.
All he did was try to help a young couple find their way.
Does he really deserve to get strung up for that? Cut that out.
Duffman gives the people what they want.
Weren't you just tied up in the blimp? Three duffmen are working the game tonight.
Don't tell the children.
It's disillusioning.
Duffman, duffman, duffman, duffman, duffman.
Marriage is hard work.
But it's worth it when you've got someone wonderful like I do.
Buck, I love you, too.
And I'll take you back, if you can guess tonight's attendance.
Let's see, B.
No, no, no.
A.
No, no, oh, man, man! It's C.
As in "keeping together.
" Which is what I want to do.
Well, Homer, looks like my marriage is going into extra innings.
Great.
But enough of the baseball analogies.
They sicken me.
No problem.
No, milady,your carriage awaits.
Ain't love grand, tito? Hey, man,I don't care! Bandits just kidnapped my mother.
Just found out.
transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Toki & Job22