The Simpsons s18e10 Episode Script

The Wife Aquatic

The Simpsons 18x10 (JABF03) - The Wife Aquatic - This is so exciting, watching a movie outside with the whole town.
Yes, thank you for talking to all of us like we just tuned in.
Ooh, a fat man falls real original.
Dad, there aren't any places left to sit.
There's a spot.
Hurry, Dad! We got to get that space! Hey! Sorry.
Aah Oy! Oh! We're not gonna make it.
Yes, we are.
Oh! Tonight's G-rated gem is a silent film from my favorite year-- yester.
While you're watching this quiet riot, I'll be slipping these religious pamphlets on your windshields.
Start her up, boys.
Hey, can you fix the sound?! And the color! And show it in a regular theater? This movie isn't silent.
I can hear it sucking.
All the snacks we stole are "heart-smart" What the hell is a radish anyway? It's like an apple did it with an onion.
Dude, shut up and huck.
Uh-uh! Radishes! I demand entertainment! Yeah, show the movie! Come on, let's go! This is our chance.
We've been carrying these home movies around for years, just waiting for a moment like this.
Calm down, everybody.
Here's a movie of us.
Wow, even I ain't hoping for porn.
Ooh, this is one of our trips to Barnacle Bay.
We used to rent a beach house there every summer.
I was so happy on that island.
I never seen Marge want to go somewhere so badly.
I'm gonna take her back there by burning that home movie on to a DVD.
I've never seen Marge like a DVD about a place so much.
I'm gonna make her dream come true by downloading that movie on to her Ipod.
Marge, I'm sorry I couldn't figure out how to get that movie on to your Ipod.
So I'm taking the family on a surprise vacation to Barnacle Bay! Ta-da! Aw.
Where's Maggie? Ta-da!Ta-da! We left plenty of food so you won't starve.
Oh, thank you.
I was talking to the cat.
It's the famous Barnacle Bay fog.
There's even a poem about it.
"Oh, cotton candy in gossamer light, "Thy soft gray kiss upon my cheek" It smells like heinie! My childhood paradise it's a dump.
Ugh! This is the most disgusting place we've ever gone.
What about Brazil? After Brazil.
Oh, this was my favorite sea horse.
I called him,Mr.
Funny-good-feeling.
Oh, God, someone carved swastikas on your eyes.
Oh, Marge, I'm sure it was just some guy filled with hate.
Oh, my God! Tourists.
We haven't seen their kind in years.
Dip your berries? Powder your jellies? You could caramel my arm.
I make it nice and sticky, huh? I didn't say stop.
Mmm! Homer, that's too much sugar.
It's not sugar.
It's caramel.
Excuse me, skipper.
This island used to be a paradise.
What happened? I bet it was Bill Clinton's fault.
No.
No, it was long before him.
Slick Willie wiggles out of another one.
This island has been on hard times since well, since the yum-yum fish disappeared.
Yum-yum fish? Oh, yum-yum fish are all we used to eat here.
They're the most delicious fish in the ocean.
Better than cod? Much better.
Whoa, baby.
We brought them in by the boatload, day and night.
Then one day they,well, they were gone.
Maybe you just overfished them? Maybe they under-spawned.
Maybe you killed them all.
Maybe the fish killed themselves.
Maybe you should be ashamed of yourself! Maybe you should marry Milhouse.
Yeah, that's right,I know about Milhouse.
I guess, in the end, nothing's as good as you remember.
Oh, I can't stand to see your mother unhappy.
But this town could be great for your mother again, and I know three people who can make it happen.
Nice brushwork, Emily.
Nathaniel, you could learn a lot from her.
Mr.
Simpson, we'd do anything to help a stranger who claimed a vacation here 30 years ago.
And make a little meth money on the side.
We have a surprise! Come to the window and look down at the street! Homer, you made an effort.
Homer, this is wonderful.
Where are the kids? Oh, they're getting a little exercise.
- Can I go again? - All night long, baby.
- What a great day.
- It's not over yet.
Blue pinwheel, red pinwheel big white ball.
Wait for the "ah.
" Ah! A green spinner to build suspense and then the big finale.
The ka-pow boom! Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow,ba-boom! Ka-powi.
Oh, so, forming an angry mob, eh? Who we going after? Oh, hey! Well, at least they left your underwear on.
That was nice of them.
I think the hook is touching my brain.
package, board baby, bortal, bortal, bortal.
My husband meant no harm.
There must be some way he can pay for what he did.
He's good at opening jars.
I say let him fish it off.
These waters are so barren, by the time he pays the debt, he'll be as old and as queer as I am.
Queer strange, or queer gay? Oh, a touch of both.
Homer, I want you to meet my crew.
This is my first mate, Billy.
And this is Fausto.
Yeah, he just plays with that knife all day and night.
It's my thing.
Great, now I need a new thing.
How many yum-yum fish did we get? None.
Just a few slarg fish.
Ew, it tastes terrible.
You don't eat it.
Its oil is used to polishstripper poles.
Ugh, finally, something even I wouldn't eat.
Well, maybe a little more.
Terrible.
Here you go.
Beer battered shrimp.
Wait, this is bait.
Homer, I told you to beer batter the shrimp and bait the hooks.
Did you do the opposite? I thought today was Opposite Day.
By the way, you're very ugly.
It's Opposite Day.
Hey, Captain, we should not go out and check the hooks.
It's not Opposite Day.
So that means it is Opposite Day.
It's not Opposite Day! The yum-yum fish, they're back.
We're going to be rich.
And it's all thanks to you, Homer.
Or should I say Chief Fish Clubber Homer.
I don't know what to say.
Let your club do the talking.
At last My love has come along My lonely days are over Ooh, an institute.
Press button to see what global warming will do in the next three years.
Three years is a long ways away.
Oh, my God.
A perfect storm.
My husband is out there.
I won't lie to you.
It's the most powerful storm I've ever seen, and I've seen three storms.
Captain, I don't like the look of the western sky.
Let us head back.
I'm sure our TiVo's are groaning with great shows.
We're not leaving while there's still fish to be air-drowned.
Are you sure, Captain? The barometer don't lie.
All right, now listen, if a storm were coming, my trick knee would be acting up.
Hey hey hey hey.
Dear God.
Homie, I'm so worried.
But if I concentrate, our love is so strong, I know I can hear your thoughts.
Dear Marge, how are you? I am fine.
The waves here are way bigger than the ones at home.
And the saltwater is rising.
What's next, pepper water? Ha-ha.
Love ya.
Homer Simpson.
Oh! This old barge can't take much more! Take out the life raft! Bart, what the hell are you doing in there? Dad, I couldn't stay with Mom and Lisa while you were out here.
Aw, son.
There were going to go to the folk art museum, then they were going to paint crab shells.
Not crush them, paint them! You did the right thing, boy.
- Ugh! - What is it, Moe? I just had this awful feeling that, uh, Homer'sin terrible trouble.
Ooh, that's funny.
I just had a feeling that some guy I don't know nameFaustois in trouble.
Come on.
We got to go help Homer.
And Fausto! Whoa, whoa, it's really coming down out there.
We could runt o the car.
Yeah, but then we'd have to stand there while we get the doors unlocked.
Don't you have one of them keys that beeps the doors open? Yeah, but still.
Watch me drive a golf ball off the bow.
Yeah! Shi pwreck! We're still gonna make it, aren't we, Dad? Uh, sure we will, son.
- Right, Captain? - Absolutely, Bart.
The sea wouldn't dare take the life of an apple-cheeked young lad like yourself.
Should I hit him with a shovel to spare him the pain of drowning? Not yet.
What's the code word? Oh, Mother Sea, giver of fish, taker of boats, toilet to the world, the Greeks call you "Poseidon, "the Romans "Aquaman.
" Look into thy starfish heart and protect our souls so we might live to go tubing on thee again.
Do you think your mother will every remarry? In about two seconds.
Why, you little! Just see if I die! Bart was on the boat? We'll never know how that brave crew spent their final moments.
Maybe a boiler blew up, sheared their faces clean off.
All we do know is they 'rein heaven now, hanging their lines off a cloud and fishing for airplanes.
The hell we are! - Homer! - Bart! Portuguese Fausto! Yi-yo-yu! How did you make it? Well, handsome here was in big trouble when suddenly Oh, my God, it's beautiful! Welcome, Homer to our watery realm.
Wait a minute.
How am I breathing? You're not.
Then when all seemed lost Aw! Lot of garbage fish today.
I can't go back to living on the surface world! I can't! Then they brought us home.
So that's our story.
Oh, wait.
We were attacked by a giant whale.
He turned out to be pretty cool.
Come on, boys.
Let's grab our nets and go fish us some yum-yums.
Wait! Haven't you learned a lesson here? Overfishing and greed have brought this town nothing but wrack and ruin.
Repent! Repent, before it's too late! I always wanted to do that in a New England church.
Little she-nag has a point.
Got to be some way we can make money without depleting our precious oceans.
Nicely done, Lis.
Instead of killing living things, they're just killing trees.
Step aside, please.
These logs have to go to Larry Flynt's paper mill, where they'll be made into Hustler and Barely Legal magazines.
This is not what I wanted at all.