The Simpsons s19e03 Episode Script

Midnight Towboy

Okay, Maggie.
Say your "good nights.
" Good night, Teddy Bear.
Good night, Justin Timberwolf.
Good night, Bedtime Krusty.
Don't let the bedbugs bite! Krusty's Anti-Bedbug Spray sold separately.
May contain poison.
Good night, Maggie.
Come on, sweetie.
Everyone's going to sleep.
You know you make me wanna Shout! Throw my hands up and Shout! Kick my heels up and Shout! A little bit louder now A little bit louder now All right, I'll make you another bottle.
Maggie's so clingy.
Homer, hold her while I pour the milk.
No problem.
My, you've grown.
Wha?! Spilled milk? All over the floor.
Hey, Apu, what happened to all your milk? I sold it all to teenagers.
There's a rumor you can mix milk, Mentos and Lotto scrapings to make jetpack fuel.
Does it work? Kinda.
Hey, Moe! Got any milk? It's either milk or paint.
It's paint.
Or is it? Yeah, it's paint.
Well, then I'll have to charge you extra, depending on the color.
Uh, stick out your tongue.
Eggshell? No.
Malabar ivory? No.
Mediterranean ecru? No.
Ah! Here it is white.
Ooh, that's gonna cost ya.
There must be a Web site that can help you deal with a clingy baby.
Oh, I don't want to bother the Internet with my problem.
Aw, come on, Mom.
We'll help you surf.
Click that one, Mom.
No, go up.
Keep going up, up, up! The blue ones are ads.
That's the toolbar.
Now you've opened Word; close it.
Close it.
Do-Don't save it.
Stop clicking.
Don't go there! Why are you buying a freezer? Don't click the cart or you've bought it! Aw, you clicked the cart.
If you're so smart, you do it.
C.
R.
I.
E? What does that stand for? "Creative Responses for Infant Edu-loving!" Ooh, "edu-loving!" They come to your home to help you raise "independent, self-actualized children.
" "The counselors can come day and night because they have no families themselves.
" Okay, I'll sign up.
You just bought another freezer.
Well, maybe I wanted another freezer! I've got to find milk somewhere.
Oh, yeah! On the dark side Oh, yeah! Oh yeah! You want milk?! I got your milk right here.
At first I thought you were pointing to your crouch.
You thought, huh? Yo, everybody! Get a load of "Beautiful Mind" over here, with the thinkin'.
Listen up, ya humps! Which one of youz parked at the bank? 'Cause they're towing your sorry ass.
That's my car! Yo, Angelica.
Get over here.
This don't mean nothing.
Ah, please! Give me a break! I've been driving all night, looking for milk for my kids.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a ride to the impound lot.
Okay, let me just grab my registration.
I can't believe your boss lets you listen to rock music while you work.
My boss? I don't think my boss has a problem with anything I do.
Oh, I'd really like to meet this guy.
Well, he's in this truck right now.
But it's just you and me.
That must mean I'm your boss! I'm sick of you! You're fired! No, you dumb Dominick.
I'm my own boss.
Shut up! When you call in sick, who do you call? I don't call in sick.
I work when I want to.
Sometimes you want to work? Hey, I get to drive around, eat what I want, eyeball the highway honeys I'm your aunt, stupid! and lasso the street cattle.
Street cattle? The cars I tow, I got all kinds of names for them: She-atas, Hebrew canoes, spam cans,Swedish speedballs, and of course,stretch lame-os.
Some of those were pretty funny.
Check it out.
We already got a "whine line.
" When can I get my Beamer? I can't be out in this neighborhood! My jewelry's real! You can't tow a hybrid.
My blow better still be in the glove box.
Wow, you make people miserable anthere's nothing they can do about it! Just like God.
Man, oh, man, you got the greatest job in the world.
You know, if you're interested, we could use another hook jockey.
The Springfield territory's wide open, since Flatbed Fred got killed in that murder-murder-murder-suicide.
I would love to! Oh, but I don't have a tow truck.
For 500 bucks, I'll sell you this old bucket.
Hmm I'm not sure my wife will go for this naughty mud flaps.
Not to worry.
These are the ones you show at home.
That's still too sexy for my wife.
No problem.
Man, you work as a silhouette model for one day and it haunts you for the rest of your life.
Now just remember two rules.
One, stick to Springfield.
If I catch you on my turf, I'll rip off your head, vomit down your neck, pull out your heart, show it to your head, then shove 'em both down your neck hole, to which I previously alluded.
"which I previously alluded" Are there two "L's" in "alluded"? Rule number two, always keep your hook pointed out.
Why? What happens if I point it this way? Oh hello-o! Hello! Hello, Captain Hook! Oh, spoil sport.
Oh, you're no fun.
Ah, my first tow.
I think it goes here.
D'oh! Ah, my first tow.
Stop.
Stop.
I'm entitled to park there.
Really? What's your handicap? Pogonophobia--fear of beards and mustaches.
Well, I guess I can call a cab.
Stay back! All of ya! Faster! More dangerous! Marge, your code pendent hyper-nurturing has infantilized your baby.
You've made her queen of her "clingdom.
" Ooh, did you hearthat, Maggie-wags? You're a queen.
Marge, you're reinforcing a negative.
I'm what? Allow me to demonstri-care.
Actualize! And now you are free to live like a human being.
Maggie's crying.
She's not crying, She's celebrating her independence.
Don't crash that party.
Oh one hug can't hurt.
Yes, it can-- hugs are drugs, and your daughter's an addict.
I guess it's time to let my little girl grow up.
You see? Now her childhood can begin-ualize.
Huh.
Thank you, CRIE.
I'm, huh, I'm sorry about the kick.
I've never done anything like that before.
Yeah, well, I'm glad your first time was such a success.
What the hell are you doing? I'm doing my job.
You're hovering over a hydrant.
You're in the sky now-- my domain.
I've got tow dough I'm looking to blow, Moe.
Huh? I'm buying a round of the fanciest drink you got.
Four "Lobster-politans" comin' up.
Here's to Homer and the cars he towed.
With those jerks out of the way, I was able to park right outside.
Outside? That's a one-hour parking zone, and you've been here a good 81 minutes.
Correction: a great 81 minutes.
'Cause nothing beats hangin' around with old friends, drinkin' lobster-based designer drinks and Huh, good joke, Homer.
You can unhook my car now.
Uh, looks like he's driving away with it.
No, he's just moving it so it won't get towed.
Maggie, what can I get you for breakf? You did everything yourself.
Homer, where have you been? Marge, when you're married to a midnight towboy, you might not see him for days on end.
I don't want to live like that.
Hey, when you married a man who would, years later, without warning, become a tow truck driver, you knew what the deal would eventually be.
Well, no one's disputing that.
Guess what, boy? Last night I towed your principal's car.
Oh, awesome.
How's he getting around? You can't impound my spirit.
Top of the mornin', Tow-mer.
It's Homer, idiot.
So it is.
I'm just here to pay the fine for the Sunday School bus.
You towed it with the kids still in it.
I guess I'm more powerful than God now.
You know what they say: "With great power comes great responsibility.
" Who said that?! I'll kill them with my power.
Take that, you tow-talitarian.
Doesn't that joke make light of totalitarians? Stalin put my grandmother in a forced labor camp for 20 years.
Look, I was insensitive, and I'm sorry.
But what this is really about is a bully with a winch.
If I'd wanted the laws of this town enforced to the letter, I wouldn't have hired fatty here as police chief.
Hear that, Ralphie? The mayor knows daddy.
All right, listen up.
I know a thing or two about tow-Joes.
I married three of them, and they're real territorial.
Now here's the plan Get in here, Mel.
I don't bite.
I might gum ya, and you might like it.
Must we all wait behind this bush? I have theater tickets.
Theater tickets, huh? Now ya got nothin'.
Maggie's completely independent.
At least you need me, sack of potatoes.
Oh, my God multiple tickets, handicapped spot, parked by a hydrant, incomprehensible vanity plate.
If my life as a tow truck driver were a teleplay, this would be the end of act two.
I told you to stay off my turf! What? I'm still in Springfield.
Wha?! Okay, I made a mistake.
Why don't you give me two demerit points in a point system we work out right now? Put me down, you lousy-- Okay, I'm warning you-- I'll kill you, you son of a-- All right buddy, that's it, I've had-- You let go! All right, Just let go.
Oh, a trap door.
What's down there? Your Meatball collection? - Good-bye.
- I thought we were friends! I was kidding you in a friendly fashion! Who are you guys? We're just like you.
Tow truck drivers who got greedy.
Is Louie keeping you prisoner here? No.
We're waiting for him to give us a timesha representation.
Actually, we're an a cappella group and we're gonna sing "Under the BoardWalk.
" The truth is, we're just waiting for each others' hair to grow so we can braid it.
Okay, I get it.
I'm not stupid.
It's number two, right? Under the boardwalk Down by the sea On a blanket with my baby That's where I'll be Under the boardwalk Out of the sun! It sure is great not having Homer around to tell us where we can or can't park.
Yeah, without the crushing rule of law, society will do a better job of regulating itself.
Of all the nerve! Now to buy some soft luggage.
Dad? Where are you? Do not worry.
I am working.
Working? Where? Ask no questions.
And do not call the police, or I will kill me.
You sound weird.
All is well.
Good-bye forever.
Get out of the way! That's my space.
I was here first.
Avast, ye sky whale! I need a camera battery! All the Transformers transformed back into trucks and cars.
The end.
- That's great.
- Great story.
Okay, we've got time for one more.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Once upon a time, there was a hilarious ogre named Shrek Three.
He lived in medieval times, but sometimes he'd say things from today times Got one! We can say these swears any time we want because they're in the Bible! I don't think "Leviticus" is a swear.
Shut the hell up, you damn ass whore.
Bart? I'm starting to worry about your father.
Well, I know he seems to get dumber every year, but lately he's plateaued.
He hasn't been home in four days.
Well, I guess he told me not to worry.
Where are you, Homie? Yah, yah, doggies! And if elected president of our small community, I will determine once and for all how far we can go without being gay.
Maggie! We're free! Maggie! You did all this?! And to pay you back, I'm returning your nose.
Here's your nose.
Daddy's putting back your nose.
That's your--Oh, wait.
That's Lisa's nose.
Homie! You're all right! Thanks to her! Really? Look at you so grown up.
Well, I've moved on, too.
Are you sure? Hugs are dr