The Simpsons s19e08 Episode Script

Funeral for a Fiend

The Simpsons S19E08 (KABF01) Funeral for a Fiend Can I help you with that, sir? Oh, no.
I ain't tippin' some jerk two bucks to tie a TV to my car.
Mama Moe didn't raise no fools.
Well, I guess I can just keep watching DVDs by following family vans around.
Big Bird in China? Won't Grover get lonely? Oh, no, wait.
He's hangin' out with Derek Jeter.
Now ignore all the fancy shmancy things thingamajigs, boy.
We're just gonna get a camera battery and go home.
Are you interested in a car stereo? No, thanks.
Just here for a battery.
Big special on camcorders! All I want is a battery.
Care to make love, sir? Battery, battery, battery! Hmm No! Bingo! One battery, please.
That'll be 50 cents, or free with the purchase of a $200 TiVO plus a two-year contract.
Sold! Sucker.
Sir, your TiVO? My what now? Oh, no.
Oh! Come on, Lisa! The TV's been off for five whole minutes! The TiVO is installed! Now we catch shows and skip the commercials! Will Itchy win again, or will something else happen? We'll find out right after these ten commercials.
Oh, no, we won't.
Whoa! I spit on your corpse, advertisers supporting television.
Yeah! And now for the exciting conclusion! Oh, the hilarity! Mmm.
Without the commercial interruption, I could really follow the story.
TiVo, you've got a season pass to my heart.
Ooh, Opal! Sounds like you've given us some words to eat by.
Doctor Chef will be back after these messages! Here's a message for you.
Welcome back.
I have some big, big news.
My boyfriend Straightman just proposed that we go on separate vacations again this year! Hmm.
I think I'll speed through the cheering.
Oh, TiVO remote you've changed my life.
I've gotten so much accomplished.
I saved Lost, watched all Rome in a day, and got Two and a half men in two and a half minutes.
Then I ran out of space and had to choose between Sophie's Choice and Schindler's list.
Why is everything Hollywood make so excellent? Why? Marge Simpson! Oh! Keith Olbermann?! That's right, content burglar Marge Simpson.
You've been watching TV shows, but skipping the commercials that pay for them.
That makes you the worst person in the world! Oh, lighten up.
You TV fat cats have plenty of money.
My cousin Marine saw you flying in business class! I was upgraded against my will! Look Marge, you think I'm handsome don't you? Of course.
It takes a team of 20 people to keep me that way, without ad money, I'd look like a swamp monster from a child's nightmare! And under here, I look even worse.
Then it gets better, then even worse! Oh stop it! Oh stop it! I'll watch the commercials! That's why this is the only mop endorsed by me, former NFL draft pick, Ryan Leaf.
Mom, what are you doing? I'm honoring America's advertisers.
Then we're going to buy some toothpaste, lease a new car, vote "yes" on prop 87.
No! No! Prop 87 lets big polluters off the hook! Impossible.
Their commercial featured a talking frog.
So tell those idiots in the State Capital to let Union Carbide do their thing.
Paid for by Cartoon Frogs For Wetlands Destruction.
Howdy, folks! Are you tired of family arguments over where to go to dinner? Sometimes I think about gettin' on a bus and never comin' back.
Why not try Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts? The rib joint with something for everyone.
Good luck with my finicky appetite.
We've got ribs.
Sold! Plain noodles.
Ugh.
With butter.
Yowza! Texas tofu! Yummy, yumma! And the easiest placemat puzzle in the state.
Let me at it! We're going to a restaurant grand opening But don't fill up on bread That's how they get ya.
That's odd.
There doesn't seem to be anyone here.
More ribs for me! There aren't any tables or chairs.
More ribs for me! I see no grill, oven or food of any kind.
More ribs for me? Hello, Simpsons.
Finally, some service.
Now listen.
We want to sit under a cool state license plate.
Michigan or better.
Silence! You've all stumbled into my ingenious trap.
That voice! Oh! That commercial was a trick.
Specifically designed to lure our family here.
And "Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts" is actually an anagram! Welcome to Sideshow Bob's World Famous Family Style Return! Ahhhhhhh! Sideshow Bob! And now you're all going to die, just because you watched a television commercial! Oh, next time a commercial comes on, I'm gonna close my eyes, cover my ears and scream as loud as I can.
Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge.
I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant.
I'm Wes Doobner.
Mr.
Doobner, I havea complaint: I work hard, and when I go out with my family, I expect a certain level of basic Shut up! Now, since last we met Oh great, here it comes all the boring things you've done since the last time you didn't kill us.
You never ask what we've been up to.
We went to the strawberry patch and I picked the most strawberries! Shut up! This time, to liven up my tale, I brought along some visual aids.
Just call me Slideshow Bob! Nobody do it.
Here, we see Krusty helping you escape my clutches in Rome.
After that, my family and I fled to England, where I found work as a chimney brush.
Here's Buckingham Palace Sorry, there's a lot of these Bear with me.
Yeah, yeah, we've all been to England.
Is this going somewhere? I never stopped plotting my revenge.
I snuck into America amidst a bunch of undocumented Canadian comedy writers for The Jimmy Kimmel Show, whatever that is.
Then, it was merely a matter of constructing my trap and producing the commercial that lured you to your dooms.
Which, by the way, got me an offer to direct a feature.
Which one? "The Hills Have Eyes Three: The Hills Still Have Eyes".
And now, the moment we've all been waiting for Finally, the ribs.
You shall all perish in a tragic accident caused by a defective laptop battery that will overheat, then explode, setting off this TNT.
Hooooooo! Let's not tarry as Shakespeare said, "If it were done when it's done, then 'twere best it were done quickly.
" Power on.
Looks like you're trying to blow up the computer.
Mind if hug my kids? This time, I've made no mistakes.
Actually, you made one.
What Shakespeare really said was, "Twere well it were done quickly.
" Yes, I'm sure, you've studied the Immortal Bard extensively under your Miss Hoover.
Macbeth, act one, scene seven.
Look it up! I shall.
Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth.
Oh, dear Sideshow Bob, "hoist on his own petard.
" It's "hoist with his own petard.
" Oh, get a life.
Yet another new restaurant fails.
Ten-time attempted murderer and celebrity Jeopardy runner-up Sideshow Bob is in custody again.
Hmm Next case People versus Sideshow Bob.
Is the defendant's attorney present? No, your honor.
I choose to represent myself.
And let me say I did try to kill the Simpsons.
I truly did.
Ohhhhhhhhh! Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.
- But - Damn it! I plead not guilty, by reason of insanity! Insanity caused by my persecution at the hands of this young boy.
Young? I'm the oldest kid in my class! By like two years.
For my first witness I call my father, Dr.
Robert Terwilliger, Senior.
Look, that's Sideshow Bob's mother Dame Judith Underdunk! She's the greatest classical actress of her generation.
Dame Judith, you were brilliant in Troilus and Cressida.
Did they name the Toyota Cressida after the play, or the play after the car? My son is on trial for his life.
I'm sorry, I know this is a terrible time.
So just answer quick.
Play first, then car.
I just lost a thousand dollars.
Robert was a peaceful boy, sickly and weak from a congenital heart defect.
But then that Simpson boy started tormenting him, and he he crossed over into dementia.
To what degree was this dementia blown? Full.
Stop feeling sorry for him! He's a homicidal maniac! He deserves to fry! You see? He knows I'm going through a rough patch, still he harangues me.
Who among you have not suffered at the hands of this demon scamp and felt the urge for retribution? He ordered prank pizzas to 888 Poopy Pants Lane! Poopy Pants Lane ends in the 700 block! He mocked my folksy ways! He cheats at Uno! Bob's playing all of you like saps.
This man's a killer! See how he accuses me --at my very own trial! I can take no more! I I I didn't want to use this, but you've left me no choice.
Nitroglycerin! Everybody panic! Yoink! Foiled again, freak! You don't understand! I I That nitroglycerin was medicine for Robert's congenital heart defect.
To which my earlier testimony referred.
This man is dead.
And you killed him.
Ew, gross-- I'm touching a dead guy! America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billy the Kid, Bonnie and Clyde, Jesus Christ.
Joining them now is Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger, whose funeral we're presenting with live shovel-to-shovel coverage.
And there we see Bob's grieving parents, his brother, Cecil, left out the prison for the occasion, his widow, Francesca, and his son, Gino.
Also in attendance are Bob's colleagues from the world of clowning.
A veritable who's who ha-ha.
Farewell, Sideshow Bob.
Your shoes are empty and the stage is dark Bart stole your nitroglycerin And then your heart infarcked And it seems to me your loyal fans Oughta buy this DVD Of all your best-loved sketches On The Krusty Show It's full of extra features And deleted scenes Like when you fell and split your pants And we saw your "Frank and Beans.
" There's the kid who killed my best friend! Buy my DVD.
Bart, I know this is nuts, but try to look sad.
I'm not sad.
I have nothing to be sad about.
Nothing! Well, I guess the rest of us should pay our respects.
Yeah, well, between you and me, I still can't stand him.
I still can't stand him.
I still can't stand him.
I still can't stand him.
I still can't stand him.
I don't care about these church jerks.
Church jerks church jerks Homer, your behavior is heinous.
Anus, anus anus, anus, anus Stupid Sideshow Bob.
Even when he's dead, he wrecks my life.
I hope he's in hell eating a barf burger.
I once felt that way, too.
Hey, aren't you Bob's brother? Biologically, yes, but we never got along.
He was always zigging when I zagged.
That summer when he wanted to tour the castles of Italy, I wanted to tour the castles of France.
So we went to Spain, a compromise that satisfied no one.
That's stupid.
You talk like youre smart, but you're stupid.
Anyway, I choose to remember Bob as the big brother who taught me to play Botticelli.
Sounds boring.
Oh, you'd love it.
It's a guessing game in which one player adopts the guise of a noteworthy-- you're right, it is boring.
But the only way you'll find happiness is by making your peace with Bob.
Well, I guess I could say good-bye.
You'd better make it snappy.
They're cremating him in 30 minutes.
I'll be scattering his ashes over the castles of France.
Take that, ashes.
Hey, Bart! You're on the front page of the paper.
I'm going to set things right.
Wanna come with me? I would, but tonight my dad's taking me to the batting cage.
He's gonna teach me to umpire! Check it out, an official Major Leagueball/strike counter! Ball one, ball two, strike one Bart? Bart? Hi, Lisa.
Hate to mix"B" with "P," but your family owes me for two weeks.
Milhouse, have you seen Bart? Bart Simpson? I think he went to pay his respects to Sideshow Bob.
Mind if I sit down for a second? My feet are killing me.
Feet killing?! We've got to save Bart! Now? But I'm getting a home perm.
Now! Bob, it's me, Bart.
I came here to tell you I never meant for you to die.
I just wanted you to go to jail and get beat up a lot.
Now everyone wishes I was dead.
Then let's give the people what they want! Sideshow Bob! Bob planned this from the beginning.
He wanted to be captured at the restaurant.
He would never get a Shakespeare quote wrong.
No.
His mother was a Shakespearian actress.
- His father is a doctor.
- A doctor, huh? So when Bob collapsed in the courtroom I remember.
his father could take that opportunity to inject Bob with a powerful drug that simulated death.
It was a diabolical scheme, and every member of his family played a part! Are you done? 'Cause I've been circling the funeral home - for ten minutes.
- Yes.
Cool, I found a trapdoor that leads to an underground city.
Here I go! Oh, my God, it's beautiful! - Are you buying this? - When they find your ashes, they'll think it's me.
And I'll be far away with my loving family.
It's the perfect crime.
And it was my flawless performance as the grieving brother that sealed the deal.
Yes, and Hamlet is all about Laertes.
Would you please stop comparing me to Laertes! If the doublet fits Stop that cremation! Hey, what smells so good? Zeus' pimples! Hot! Hot! Hot! You're too late, Simpsons! Eat hobo remains! Get me out of here! What are you doing? I can't breathe! Marge, he's got to get over his fear of coffins.
Freeze, Sideshow Snobs! You're all under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent, but I hope you don't.
It's a long way to jail and I like to chitchat.
Wait, I must know.
How did you loosen the tiles of my mosaic of murder? I grew suspicious when I saw the casket had extra room built-in for your feet.
Why would your family pay all that extra money of a dead man? Damn these glorious gunboats! Nice try, Bob, but you didn't count on one thing.
- What's that? - You stink like my butt! Take him away! Oh, why must I feed him straight lines?! Well, this time I think Sideshow Bob is finally locked up for good.
Yeah, the only thing that's going to be hacked to pieces now is this celebratory cake! So who wants a nice big slice? Slash! Hack! Die! There he goes again.
You have 87 years to get used to it, Father.
East bids two hearts.
Three diamonds.
Three clubs.
The joke's not funny and the bid's not sufficient.