The Simpsons s19e13 Episode Script

The Debarted

The Simpsons S19E13 (KABF06) - The Debarted - The art teacher is fat, not pregnant.
Ow! Mom, Lisa hit me! I did not! Kids, knock it off.
I'm uncomfortable driving your father's car as it is.
Taxicab License.
What the? Fine! We'll divide the car into your side and my side.
My leg is the barrier.
Mom! The system works! It's not funny! Your wearing cleats! Stop it! Stop it! Sorry I'm late I was in a car crash.
Many hurt, but nobody cool was harmed.
Just sit down, Bart.
Huh?! Who's the new meat in my seat? Bart, this is Donny he's here at our school because he was kicked out of P.
That school sucked.
Don't worry, Bart, Willie's bringing you something to sit on.
Hey, Krabappel, your name sounds like "crab apple.
" Did you go sour waiting for someone to pick you? Pretty much.
Huh? Isn't he awesome? When he grows up, I want to be like me! Look, new kid, I'm the head hamster in this habitrail, capisce? Well, maybe there's a new guinea pig in your cage.
Capisce that? Oh, I capisce.
I capisce just fine.
Oh, well, you just keep on capisce-ing.
See-saw! Mr.
Simpson, this damage will take a week to fix.
While your car's in the shop, uh, you can drive this loaner.
Loa ner? She's right here.
This is the kind of car you see in commercials! How much am I paying for this? - Nothing.
- Hm, it seems like a lot.
On the contrary.
The loaner car is complimentary.
It's standard policy.
Really? Oh! You people are idiots! That's the dumb What a stu I mean, that sounds fair.
Okay, so Look at you! Idiots! Driver of a loaner car Much better than a Driver of my normal car Whoa! Fancy wheels! What song does the horn play? None.
Wha? Hey, boy, check out my new car huh? Cut it out! Want to take a ride with your old man? No.
Come on! Come on! Oh, come on! Oh, fine.
What's the matter, son? There's this new kid at school who everyone thinks is cooler than me.
Aw, don't give up, boy! I believe in you, and not just because I have to.
Really, Dad? Son, I know when we first met, we didn't really hit it off, but since then I've really come to respect you.
And unlike love, respect can't be bought.
You're right.
I'm gonna go to school tomorrow and show everyone I'm awesome.
That's my boy.
Now let's watch the air conditioner fight the heater.
Now let's add the rear window defogger.
Twister! Get down! "Air Skinner" brings it up.
He bounces the ball repeatedly in a dribbling type motion.
Foul! Great, I fouled out.
Now can I go? Nope, I grant you five more fouls.
Top this, Donny.
Thank you, children.
Welcome to the unveiling of our new school lunch purchasing plan, known as the Flex Plan.
Students may spend up to ten points per day in up to four of seven categories.
Unused points roll over week to week but not month to month.
Categories not included : meat, dairy, vegetables Wha? That's odd.
But, as a one-time occurrence, no cause for alarm.
It's not funny; these movements are involuntary.
This almost makes me want to find out how magnets work.
Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Who did this? Until I find out, no one is leaving this mixed-use auditorium.
But some of us have after-school care! When I catch the culprit and I will I'm gonna throw this away and use this instead! Principal Skinner? I did it.
Young man, my office, now! Huh? Why did you take the rap for me? I don't know.
I like your style.
Well, remember this: Bart Simpson takes care of his friends.
Come see me when you get out.
Young man, brace yourself for some congratulations! We did it! You're in! We finally have a man on the inside.
We're gonna put Bart Simpson away for a long, long time.
By law, the most we can give him is a ten-day suspension.
Well, that's long to a kid! All our other attempts to get a spy inside the Bart Simpson operation have failed.
Uter, Ralph, Doug the hip guidance counselor he was never the same after Bart got through with him.
Your extracurriculars are gonna need a lot of work if you want to get into Vanderbilt.
I'll get the goods on this Simpson kid.
You have my word as a snitch.
Here he comes.
Now this won't be easy, but pretend I'm a jerk.
Young man, I'm gonna be on you like a numerator on a denominator! Let's take a ride.
I got a place with a view.
I've never seen blue vines before.
They're only sold in Europe.
I know a guy.
Ah, yeah! You can really taste the blue.
Check this out Nyaa! Oh, that's so cool! Here's a little hair of the dog for tomorrow.
Oh, thanks, Bart.
Now th we're buddies, I can let you in on some of the cool scams we run at school.
Oh, yeah? Like what? Bathroom passes, doctor's notes We can rig a cootie catcher so you can marry anybody you want.
Whoa! Sherri! I'm in.
Milhouse, bust out four of our finest juice boxes.
I just wanna say juice-box fight! Sounds like fun.
Can I play? Sure.
How is that fun? Fun's only fun if everyone's having fun.
Mom, what are you doing? Honey, this is how I save money on ketchup and mustard.
Do you do it with relish? No, I'm kind of embarrassed about it.
Simpson, may I take you for an evening drive? Our loaner awaits.
Did you just unlock the car from here? Baby, let's cruise Away from here Don't be confused, baby The way is clear And if you want it, you got it forever This is not a one-night stand, baby Hello.
You've reached the snug bug.
What do you mean my car's ready?! Well, you can keep it, 'cause I'm never giving up this one.
Now why don't you enjoy the sounds of my wife and me making sweet, sweet love.
That wasn't us, that was the transmission.
Box fight! Box fight! One whistle! Two whistles! I'm one whistle away from three whistles, people! Faculty lounge All right, here's the plan: we go in there, fill the coffee pot with crickets from this bag labeled crickets and leave.
I'm shipping up to Boston Whoa-oh-oh Shipping up to Boston Whoa-oh-oh I'm shipping off to find my wooden leg I'm a sailor peg, and I lost my leg Climbing up the topsails, I lost my leg Skinner's five steps ahead of me.
I put a tack in his chair, he's corked his pants! I throw a tomato, he's making salad! I have some information ye might be interested in.
But it won't be easy to hear.
Because of your stupid accent? Nach-nae! Because of its upsetting nature! Skinner's gotten to someone close to ye.
A rat.
- Who is it? - I dunno.
But Skinner's goin' to meet the rat right now.
Thanks, Willie.
A child thanked me! I gotta write this in my journal.
Dear diary, Today I've Got him.
Where am I? You're in line for a measle shot.
Okay, now we've made a guide hole for the real needle.
Uh, Bart, where are we going? Gentlemen, someone I thought I could trust is a rat.
Now, let's see.
Is it my best friend, my other best friend, or a kid I just met? Donny grab Milhouse's legs.
He's the rat.
You grew tired of always being in my shadow.
No, I like your shadow.
It's nice and cool.
Quit it! No! Don't worry, we'll get him out in a couple hours.
Oh, my Gosh.
It's an outhouse sent from the future.
Hey, I'm in here.
Be quiet, Robo-potty.
Now that we have taken care of our rat problem, Skinner can't stop us, and I've got a prank I've been planning for months.
We're going to egg Skinner's house.
We've already egged his car, his office, and his father's grave.
How's this going to be different? Gentlemen, this is an ostrich egg.
Normally, you can't even buy these.
You have to buy the ostrich and wait.
How much of this is gunk? The whole insides.
Whoa, to think this came out of some animal's butt.
Beautiful, in its way.
This car is amazing.
The radio lets me contribute directly to NPR.
This is Terry Gross from NPR, saying "Thank you.
" Now, let's get back to our 1987 interview with Senator Alan Cranston.
I never dreamed an American car designed in Germany, assembled in Mexico from parts made in Canada could be so amazing.
Yeah, I can't believe all those years I used to drive that old piece of What the? My old car.
So you're sure this baby'll make it out to the desert? Sure.
Why, what'd you have in mind? Well, we gonna start by shooting her full of holes, and, uh, then me and the boys are gonna have a little fun with her.
I'll have you know I love this car as if it were my own child.
Dad? Sorry, Maggie.
Say, Simpson, would you mind holding one end of this banner while I put it up? My pleasure, sir.
We'll see who's laughing when your house is smeared with ostrich albumen.
Donny's the rat.
Where do you think you're going? Ah, get back to your knitting, Seymour.
I will, but it's because I want to.
So, guys, before we hit Skinner's, I want to make a quick stop.
Hey, Bart, uh, what are we doing here? There's been a change of plans.
I was going to tell you, but then I remembered you're the rat! No, no, no, you got it all wrong.
Skinner's tongue was blue.
Blue from the vines you gave him.
Why'd you do it, man? Look, you don't start out wanting to be a rat.
Sometimes it's your only option.
Skinner and Chalmers wanted to get someone inside your organization someone with no history.
Too cute, too tall, too Siamese, too Siamese.
How much for that one? I'm sorry, Bart.
You were like a brother to me.
We were going to take wood shop together and make nunchucks.
And then take people to our lockers and show them our nunchucks.
I know.
That would have been cool.
Are we going to fizz this guy or what? Fizz me? A funny thing happens when you mix Mentos with Diet Coke.
Now imagine that times a million.
And it's all going to go down in Skinner's office.
That's all we needed to hear.
Running away rules! Sorry to plop, plop on your fizz, fizz.
What are you doing here? I knew egging my house was just a ploy.
You see, the rat who told you about my rat was also a rat.
It was rats within rats which was also me dinner last night.
Willie?! You're on Skinner's side?! He gave me something you never could an elementary school diploma.
Bart, we're going to send you to the toughest juvenile detention center there is.
And it's all thanks to Donny here, who can happily live the rest of his life knowing he betrayed the one boy who actually cared about him.
Skinner! - Skinner? - I'm all right, sir.
Don't ever scare me like that again.
Well, I guess we're even.
What are you going to do now? What I always do survive.
Hey, we should get together sometime.
You know, to make nunchucks.
The rat symbolizes obviousness.

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