The Simpsons s19e15 Episode Script

Smoke on the Daughter

The Simpsons S19E15 (KABF08) - Smoke on the Daughter - Bart, it's me! I'm Lord Evilton from the Angelica Button books.
The last book in the series goes on sale at midnight and we're going to go stand in line.
Wait in line for a book?! - You tell 'em Bart says hey.
- Come on, boy.
All the nerds are doing it.
I'm not a nerd.
I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.
- It's the final book! - I wonder what happens? Maybe the Sandrux is the Narcolops.
I read a rumor Spider-man's in it.
Shut up! Shut up! This is a spoiler-free zone.
Nice Angelica Button costume, Lisa.
Although the gryphon on your coat of arms is facing left not right.
And FYI, Angelica wears two tortoise shell barrs.
Nice try, though.
I based my costume on the books, not the movies.
Okay, I'm going to hand out colored bracelets.
The color on your bracelet will determine Move or die! It's for my kid! Eureka! Now read it to me! "The Dark Lord has summoned you" said the withered troll.
Do the character voices! "And bring your cloak.
The torture room can be frightfully chilly.
" Angelica's first kiss, da-da-da.
Subplot about her cat, who cares? Professor Skizzletwitch is a Were-bear, and, uh, no, no, he's not.
Maluicious Krubb is actually Kraluicious Mubb.
All is lost, Angelica uses the spell she learned in chapter six.
Magic, magic, magic, all is won.
Well, that's our book for the year.
I think we've earned some TV.
TV! TV! TV! But kids, I want you in bed by 3:00 a.
m.
Hey, somebody's got to be the bad guy.
But I don't understand, how could he have murdered his wife if he was making a phone call 3,000 miles away? Well, maybe he reached out done and killed someone.
I saw this.
He trained his dog to do it.
Up next, which former Friends star is speaking out against adult illiteracy? It's Lisa Kudrow.
Stop saying things, Bart.
That's the TV's job.
And the First Lady has agreed to sit on the egg until it hatches.
More after this.
See that? That's talent.
You think you got it? You don't.
'Cause only I can teach it and I ain't taught you, so you don't The Chazz Busby Ballet Academy is coming to Springfield.
Auditions are Monday.
Callbacks are Tuesday.
Wednesday, you see I'm a heartless bastard.
Thursday you realize you love me, damn it.
Friday, we're closed.
You're fired.
You're her.
Jump, dance, love.
A ballet academy here in Springfield? Move over, Europe! I didn't know you cared about ballet.
Lisa, have I ever shown you my Shattered Dreams Box? No.
It's upstairs in my Disappointment Closet.
There were so many things I wanted to do in life that I never got a chance to do: doctor, safecracker, stethoscope sales lady.
None came to pass.
But the thing I really wanted to be, ever since I was little, was a ballerina.
So what happened? My bosoms came in and ruined my balance.
Really? How? They came in one at a time.
- Oh do you think mine? - No.
I'm pretty sure you'll have your dad's boobs.
Mom, it's not too late to un-shatter your dream.
Martha Graham danced well into her 70s.
You mean she danced well, into her 70s? Or she danced, well into her 70s? Well, she danced into her 70s.
I think you've got a point.
Homie, I'm gonna be a dancer! Go-go or boring? - Boring! - Oh Okay, ladies, listen up: Forget everything you've ever learned about ballet good.
Now, from Bolshoi Fifth Position, give me a Battement Glisse, a Double Changement, two Swan Lake Fouettés, then finish with a Grand Pas De Chat.
Now show me what you got, uh Simpson, comma, Marge.
I haven't seen dancing like that since my Broadway show Dancing Like That.
Closed in a week.
Too smart for the corndog crowd, too dumb for the bagel bunch.
You keep it up, kid.
You got something.
Son, while your mother and little mother are out, I'm gonna let you in on a deep, dark family secret.
You have a drinking problem? I said secret.
Have you ever wondered what I do in that locked room? Gay out? Well, wonder no more! Beef jerky! The queen of all the jerkys! That's right.
Now, I'll cut and you soak.
Dad, marinating with you is cool.
Thanks, son.
Some of that is cow blood.
Look, Lise! I'm as supple as ever! It won't go down.
Marge, Marge, Marge you know what they say, those who cannot do - Teach? - No, they go home.
How can they teach if they can't do? Get out! You can't talk to my mom like that.
Who the hell taught you to stand like that? This is how I always stand when I tell adults what they should be doing.
You have naturally perfect posture.
I rarely say this, but, how would you like to become to a paying student at my dance academy? Uh, I don't know, I We accept! I'm sorry, I got confused.
You don't get to be "confused.
" Not till you've won six Tonys, gone into rehab, married your plastic surgeon, retired, and then un-retired in a special little show called Woman of the Year you can't, uh Hey, I forget where I'm going with this.
Take a break, people.
Eh, eh, eh, en pointe! This is so hard.
Get used to it.
We balerinas are under constant pressure to stay focused, skinny, graceful and skinny.
How do you cope with it? You find out what works you.
For some people it might be yoga, for others, meditation.
But for every ballerina in the world, it's cigarettes.
Cigarettes?! They can kill you.
They did a whole episode about it on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.
Zack tried to impress a girl by smoking, but she went for Cody instead.
Zack's life wasn't so sweet then.
If God didn't want ballerinas to smoke, how come I can do this? No! All I need to stay focused is good old-fashioned fresh air.
Nothing like fresh air.
Fresh air.
Horrible, horrible, horrible no longer describes your dancing, Lisa.
You're good, kid! I've gotten better since this morning.
How could that have happened? Maybe it's all the secondhand "focus" and "pep" you are inhaling.
They don't call these "dancer sticks" for nothin'.
I thought they were cancer sticks.
I dan't dear dou! My Hindu friend, this is a chance for your Kwik-E-Mart to get in on the ground floor of a delicious new taste sensation.
You talk a good game, but do you have the product to back it up? Step into our Jerkatorium.
What the! Where's our jerky? You have wasted my time! You have made a very powerless enemy.
Good day and be well! Wait, wait, wait, wait! You haven't seen our PowerPoint presentation Bart? "J," just the product you need.
"E," excellent value.
"R," retailer's dream.
"K" You can skip the "K" and the "Y.
" I do not thank you and I will not come again.
Who could have done this? Well, something chewed through the cellar door and the floor is covered with paw prints is can only mean one thing: Flanders, you ate my jerky! As the oak said to the beagle, you're barkin' up the wrong tree.
I spent the whole morning blacking out the "goshes" and "darns" in these Hardy Boys books.
I know you ate my jerky just like I ate your earthquake supplies.
Dad, look! Raccoons! You stay right here.
Okily dokily! Ah! "heck, darn.
" I don't think so.
Lisa Lisa Simpson Time for a smoke.
Look, everyone knows that cigarettes are where flavor lives and a cool choice for a hot night.
But they're for losers! Losers? You mean losers like Simone de Beauvoir, Margaret Mead, Queen Elizabeth I, Lauren Bacall My feminist heroes! Don't forget me Lillian Hellman! Smoking gave me the energy I needed to write plays and inventiveness! Bring out the Hellman's, and bring out the best.
Puff with us! Puff with us! Puff with us! Yeah, that's it, don't be shy.
Enjoy your jerky laced with sleeping pills.
Nobody outwits Homer Simpson.
Hey, they're not sleepy.
Just turning fuzzy.
Homer, you ate their jerky.
I thought this might happen, so I brought the best weapon to operate while drugged: a crossbow.
No! Chazz Busby says you're really making progress! Do you need more leg warmers? No, stop buying me leg warmers! I'm already wearing six pairs! Well, the important thing is, someday, I'll be watching my little Marge dancing at Lincoln Center.
Lisa, Mom.
I'm Lisa.
Of course, you're Lisa.
Lisa the dancing Marge girl.
Dad, you never win a fight with animals.
Remember when you lost that war with the worms? That wasn't a defeat, it was a phased withdrawal.
Oh, yeah? They made you build this statue.
When you cut 'em, they multiply.
I can't fight that! Now, let's take care of those raccoons.
Aw, they're using the jerky to feed their family.
Look, there's a Homer and a Bart and a Marge and a Lisa.
Aw, they even share my views on parenting! Enjoy your jerky, little critters, and, one day, you'll grow up to be people.
Bart, get some more jerky for man's new best friend.
When's our next break? When the big cigarette hits 9.
All right, that was pretty good for uncoordinated hippopotamuses.
Hit the river, ladies.
Go ahead, have a wallow.
What am I doing? I don't need second hand smoke to do ballet I need firsthand smoke! Lisa! Give me that! I can't believe how easy it is in this country to get cigarettes.
I can't believe you were smoking.
Did you know the "sturgeon" general said you're not supposed to? A "sturgeon" is a fish.
And a very wise fish he is! Marge, I'm taking Lisa out of that stupid What the? Oh, Homie, I've been so happy lately.
I'm completely fulfilled, both as a mother and a fan of youth ballet! Now what did you want to say to me? Are you sure you want Lisa to keep dancing? There's nothing that makes a mother's heart soar more than seeing child take wing.
Look at me, I'm glowing! Maybe you're drunk.
Homie, Lisa's dancing has made me really, really, happy.
Okay.
Oh, fatherhood hurts my brain.
Dad! Dad, a little help? You're on your own.
Because it means so much to your mother, you can keep doing ballet.
But you have to stop smoking, including secondhand! That's easy for you to say.
You've never had to be thin and focused.
What'd you say? I'm just saying it's gonna be hard for me to quit, especially before the recital.
I thought you might have trouble with this.
That's why I'm assigning someone to keep watch over you.
Someone you'd never expect.
- Is it Bart? - D'oh! Come on out, boy.
For the next three days, I'm gonna stick to you like waffle syrup on a shag rug.
I'm gonna be on you like fish stink on a Gloucester dog.
I'm gonna be all over you like where'd she go? Okay, everybody! Dress rehearsal! Hey, I'm still paying for that nose! Lisa, the last time I checked, this was not Worldwide Wrestling.
And I checked five minutes ago.
Hey Lisa, come on over.
I can't I promised I wouldn't.
If you don't breathe it, that smoke might go into a baby.
Well, since you cared enough to apply peer pressure There you go.
Awesome.
You go, girl.
Much better.
That's it, yeah.
Yello.
She what?! Oh, my God! Well, I'm going to settle this once and for all! Meet me at the place we discussed.
- Who was that? - Wrong number.
Five min ladies.
Okay, Bart, it's time for Operation: Crazy-Plan.
Step one: we chuck the raccoon in there.
What if someone catches him? Don't worry.
I have a perfect way to conceal his identity.
Okay, now go, boy! Not keys, cigarettes! Yeah, that's what I mean.
Okay, now we get rid of the cigarettes.
Lord, I could use a smoke.
Thank god.
Cigarette? Can't.
I'm pregnant.
Uh, one more favor? Wow, what a great first act.
I hope Sleeping Beauty never wakes up.
Good, that's so hot.
Good job.
Great.
My cigarettes! What happened to my cigarettes?! Found one! That's your finger! I don't care! Watch your hoof, you blue-ribbon sow.
I'll spit on your grave, grandma! Oh, no! My appetite's coming back! I haven't seen crap like this since my Broadway show: Crap Like This.
Ran for five years.
We can smoke the programs! I can smoke my hair! Maybe there's gum under the seats! All right, that's enough! I want to talk about a horrible practice afflicting millions of Americans.
For years we've known how dangerous it is.
It stunts your growth.
And it's marketed to children.
I'm talking about ballet.
I'll smoke to that! Ballet is unnatural and unfair to women.
I shall now cast off the shoes of oppression! You'll never take down big ballet! Never! Now good day! This is my favorite family tradition ice cream after a botched recital.
And I'm happy to be smoke-free, thanks to these children's nicotine patches.
And I realize it's wrong to try to live your career dreams through your children.
Does that mean I can stop training to be a Mexican wrestler? No! Now practice preening to the crowd, El Guapo.
Come on, preen harder! Make them hate you! You feed on their hatred and you are so hungry! Relecture: Rassman No me gusta.