The Simpsons s20e09 Episode Script

Lisa the Drama Queen

(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Worst couch gag ever.
Why do we have to go to the rec center? I want to play with my friends! When you're older, you'll miss these fun activities.
You're older.
Why don't you do these fun activities? Because no one's making me.
Bye-bye! (HOMER LAUGHING) Welcome to Shaolin Kung Fu.
Ten thousand years of knowledge will be passed along to those whose parents have signed a permission slip.
The rest of you have just purchased very expensive pajamas.
(BOYS GROANING) (SPEAKING HINDl) Pardon me, master.
But what does a big fat wad like you know about Kung Fu? Kung Fu is not about physique but the channeling of one's energy, or chi.
If you doubt my skill, please feel free to attack at my signal.
(BOYS YELLING) (JEFF GROANING) My chi! Do we have any more paints? My orange isn't the orange of that orange.
- Just paint the damn fruit! - Lower your expectations, Lisa.
Public program, public program.
TEACHER: Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Stop! Stop! Juliet, this is terrible! Your art is personal and wrong! (IN BRITISH ACCENT) I was painting with my heart.
And if you look carefully, you can see that the knight is Josh Groban, our young century's greatest vocalist.
Oh! Another Grobanite.
Excuse me.
But I think her painting is very imaginative.
I suppose you'd like to teach this class! Yes, I would.
Class, everyone, please stop and admire Juliet's painting.
I do not need this! My family owns a gas station! If you two thoughtful and creative girls don't like the way I teach, there's a world of fun, outside.
See you! (LISA AND JULIET GIGGLING) What are you staring at? Everyone paint me twenty laps! (STUDENTS GRUMBLING) Come on, fatty! Keep up! So how come I've never seen you around the Janet L.
Munoz Robbins Rec Center before? My father just took a position at Springfield University.
Are your parents academics? (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) Kinda.
Let's do some Groban.
- (SINGING) Everybody wants - (SINGING) Everybody wants - To be understood - To be understood - Well, I can hear you - Well, I can hear you - Everybody wants - Everybody wants - To be loved - To be loved - Don't give up - Don't give up - Because you are loved - Because you are loved (DOG HOWLING) I need some candy for a first play date, but I don't want to come on too strong.
- M&M'S? - Well, if I pick plain, she'll think I'm cheap.
But if I pick peanuts, she may have an allergy.
- You just killed her, Bart! - How about Charleston Chew? What is this? Brooklyn in the fifties? Don't just say stuff.
You ask for my help then you don't want it.
Excuse me.
But why not consider an Almond Joy.
It looks like you only brought something for yourself.
But then you just happen to have two pieces! Finally a real suggestion! If she doesn't like coconut, you're screwed! Mmm.
Oh.
(GIRLS CHATTERING) - Hi, Juliet.
- So what do you want to do? I don't know.
It's been so long since I've had a play date.
Not that I couldn't get one if I wanted.
My parents bought me a membership card to the Folk Art Museum.
Does it get you into special exhibits? - On Wednesdays.
- (GASPS) That's today! (WIPE OUTPLAYING) (SINGING) Folk art So Lisa asked if her new friend could stay for dinner.
She's finally doing something the book said she would.
Won't last.
(LISA AND JULIET LAUGHING) Hey, Mom.
Can Juliet sleep over? Are your parents okay with that? They never met us.
We could be murderers.
Could've been, if we hadn't had kids.
Juliet's father is the world's foremost John Grisham scholar.
He found several undiscovered plot twists in The Client, and he proved that the real villain in A Time to Kill is the legal system itself.
Told you, Marge.
Told you! (BOTH SNICKERING) Now we need a name for our imaginary kingdom I mean, queendom.
How about Equalia? Equalia.
Where everyone is equal but we're in charge.
I mean, somebody has to be, right? Okay, you two.
Lights out.
Lisa, do you want to be best friends? Gosh, this is all happening so fast.
I don't know what to say.
- Say yes.
Say yes.
- I'd love to! (MARGE WHOOPING) Good night, Lisa.
I have a best friend.
(LISA GASPS) - You heard me say that, didn't you? - I did.
- We're still cool though, right? - We are.
My best friend is so cool.
- Mom, I'm meeting Juliet after school! - Great! Here are a few best friend tips.
Compliment her hair and shoes.
If her dog bites you, don't make a big deal out of it, and Friendship is like marriage.
The key is listening.
Also, if her dog bites you, don't make a big deal out of it.
I just said that! Okay, honey.
If it's that important to you, you said it.
(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION) We're at the end of chapter four.
But we need a grabber, a whammy, a snapperoo, some eye mustard! I got it! How about this? What if Queen Helvetica found a rare two-horned unicorn? A twonicorn! Oh! I love your accent.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Twonicorn.
" You are definitely doing the book on tape.
And Queens Valedictoria and Helvetica hid their beloved twonicorn from the hungry ogre, Homeroni.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Girls are so lame.
Isn't that right, headless Darth Vader? What's that? You miss your girlfriend, armless Malibu Stacy wrapped in hockey tape? (KISSING) Now, remember.
Juliet's family is very classy.
So be on your best behavior.
Use as many big words as possible.
I call "computer.
" Bart, you can have "doorbell.
" (EX CLAIMS) Nice doorbell.
Is it computerized? - Hey, that was - Homer! Well, we I You come up with an excuse! (BART EX CLAIMS IN PAIN) Homer, isn't it wonderful that my Juliet and your Lisa have become such fast friends? (LAUGHING) If you say so, m'Iord.
- Dinner's ready.
- Lf you'll show me to your bathroom, I'd like to pretend to wash my hands.
New friendship, so full of promise.
Much like a young Mitch McDeere in John Grisham's The Firm.
(MUFFLED) When they make a movie from his books, does he get one or two free tickets? It depends on the production company.
"He had much to be happy about.
"A brilliant mind and a solid body that did not gain weight "and needed little sleep.
" Attention, everyone.
Lisa and I would like to perform a medley of Josh Groban's Juliet, I'm worried this Josh Groban is becoming a bit of an obsession for you.
Let's just listen to James Horner's soundtrack to The Pelican Brief, shall we? Track three, Researching the Brief.
(RESEARCHING THE BRIEFPLAYING) I hate track three! I hate it! I hate it! (JULIET CRYING) I'll go get her.
Hey, could you take a look at a lump on my back? - I'm not that kind of doctor.
- I get it.
Here's 10 bucks.
DR.
HOBBES: Mmm.
- That's chewing gum.
- What a racket.
Juliet, are you okay? I am now.
Don't you see them? - See who? - Our friends! The lords and ladies of Equalia! Juliet, you're scaring me just a little Oh! Co-Queens Helvetica and Valedictoria, we're so glad you're finally here.
I'm a giraffopus.
I'm uncomfortable in water and on land.
(GASPS) A twonicorn! Toss me a treat! (TWONICORN GULPS) I didn't know I could do that.
And now hit "shuffle" on the royal MyPod.
(SO SHE DANCES PLAYING) (SINGING) So she dances In and out of the crowd like a glance This romance is From afar calling me silently These be mini-pizzas made from dragon eggs, Your Majesties.
- Mom, please don't do that.
- Who is this mom of which you speak? Mom, stop! This is our thing, not yours.
- I'm just trying to - It's better if you don't.
(MURMURS IN HURT) Mr.
And Mrs.
Simpson, we need to talk about Lisa.
She's unfocused, scribbling nonsense, living in a world of her own.
(HOMER LAUGHING) - Well, that's Bart for you.
- We're talking about Lisa, your daughter.
Seems like you and I are always talking about Bart, my son.
Lisa has been seeing an awful lot of her new friend.
Yes.
The one I've seen on Lisa's Facebook page.
I search all the children's Facebook pages for unflattering references to me.
By the way, I enjoyed the photos of your trip to Yosemite.
(LAUGHING) That.
We were actually just going out for brunch and I got lost.
But don't worry, Officer.
We'll definitely have a talk with the boy.
LISA: I can't see Juliet anymore? I thought you wanted me to have a best friend! There are limits to how much two people should be together! Well, you can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'II - I'll disobey! - I'm Bart Simpson's mother.
You think you've got any tricks I haven't seen? Bart Simpson, age three.
(LISA GRUNTS ANGRILY) Bart Simpson, age ten.
(LAUGHING EVILLY) (CRASHING) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (CHILDREN CHATTERING) Juliet, what are you doing here? I'm running away.
And you're coming with me.
I'd love to! But I'm supposed to attend the model UN this weekend.
I'm the delegate from Azerbaijan, and I'm threatening a rice tariff.
Lisa, I know how important the model UN's work is.
But Equalia needs you.
I need you.
Okay, best friend.
I remember when I was young and I ran off to a land of equality.
(MAN COUGHING) - Name.
- Dr.
William McDougal.
From now on, you're Groundskeeper Willie.
Next.
This is where we'll live.
- How did you find this place? - My family ate here last week.
It really went downhill fast.
But if you just believe, anyplace can be Equalia.
Oh, no.
Clam-Elot's is closed.
I'm not surprised.
Their clam chowder smelled like soap.
Yeah.
I wonder if Lisa has threatened the model UN with her rice tariff yet? I doubt it.
Friday's usually just committee assignments and procedural rules.
(PHONE RINGING) - MARTIN ON PHONE: Mrs.
Simpson! - Hiya, Martin.
How's the model UN? Total chaos! We're two minutes away from a roll call vote on a non-binding resolution and no Azerbaijan! (GASPS) Are you saying Lisa's not there? To the extent you can trust the word of a Belgian, yes! Lisa ran away! And it's all my fault! If I'd just let her continue her obsessive relationship with that troubled little girl, everything would've been fine.
If I know my sister, and unfortunately I do, she probably ran off to some lame-o make-believe castle.
A castle? (GASPS) I know where they are! - Wait! - Hmm? - Is it someplace I'd have to put on a tie? - No.
Is it a place I'd look overdressed if I did wear a tie? You probably would.
What about a jacket and jeans with a nice t-shirt? Just go! (HOMER EX CLAIMS) You know what I think killed this place? No one wanted to drive to the middle of the forest for clams.
(CAR APPROACHING) Let's go get my little girl.
(GASPS) My family's here! MARGE: Hmm? She's not here? KEARNEY: Hmm? (BOTH GASP) Girls in our hideout? Now they'll tell people where we go to stash our stolen peaches! And to wait out our bad haircuts.
We'd better tie them up.
This place is where we came after my bar mitzvah.
You said you weren't having one.
It was just family.
All these pictures of seafood are making me hungry.
We'll get some cream for the peaches while you guard the prisoners.
Don't screw it up, butt brain! At least my dad didn't smoke after his stroke.
(DOOR CLOSING) Juliet, I'm scared.
Shut your eyes and you'll be in Equalia.
Equalia is not real! Maybe not.
But it's better than this.
(LISA SIGHS) So the armies of the gnomes and the elves faced off on either side of the hollow, broad axes poised.
With a fearsome cry, they raced towards the center of the battlefield, banners aflutter in the breeze! What comes next? A battle to determine the fate of Equalia.
But you wouldn't be interested.
I have a wide variety of interests.
Is there them dragon things? Isn't that a little clichéd? Yes! I mean, yes, there are dragons, everywhere! Green ones, Chinese ones, chubby bald ones.
I like those ones! Tell me about those! - "And so the queens" - And the Me Dragon.
"danced the minuet of equality on a gossamer dewdrop.
" Aww.
(DOLPH EX CLAIMS) What's going on here? What's this? An ambitious first novel by the two brightest young writers this side of the Iowa Writers' Workshop.
I bet it'll burn up good.
(DOLPH AND JIMBO LAUGHING) Put the book down! Why should we, butt brain? For Equalia! (IN HER EYES PLAYING) (SINGING) I am not a hero I am not an angel I am just a man Man who's trying to love her (DOLPH AND JIMBO GRUNTING) - Well, it looks like we're safe.
- Looks like.
Juliet, I don't want to go to Equalia anymore.
What do you mean? It's a special place.
But I need to live in the real world.
The real world? The real world is for people who can't imagine anything better.
Goodbye, Lisa.
Goodbye, Juliet.
(SING-SONG) Cuckoo.
"We have received your manuscript, The Chronicles of Equalia.
'" Sounds promising so far! "Unfortunately, it is not what we're looking for at this time.
"Thank you for thinking of us.
" (LAUGHING MEANLY) Rejected! You got a letter all the way from New York City, and that's something.
And you know what else, sweetie? You and your friend, Princess Nut Job, inspired me to write my own fantasy novel based on my experiences as a dad.
Okay, "Chapter One" Uh Uh Oh! Writing is hard! BART: Ladies and gentlemen, Fall Out Boy! (FALL OUT BOY PLAYING THE SIMPSONS THEME SONG)