The Simpsons s21e08 Episode Script

O Brother, Where Bart Thou?

done by YesCool edited by YesCool & Arcinboldi Hello, everybody.
Welcome to Under the Wrapper, where I, Huell Howser, apply the art of detection to your favorite confections.
Now, here's some opening titles to sweeten the deal.
Hey! Aah! Wow! Now, we've seen how cookies crumble and soda gets its pop, so let's take a close-up look at America's favorite drop-- the gumdrop! Ooh! Every gumdrop is made of a succulent substance called gelatin.
Amazing.
Gelatin comes from the skin, bones and hooves of only the sickest horses.
That's amazing.
Change it! Change it! You just increased the volume! Welcome back to the 62nd annual Creative Arts Emmy Awards.
In Outstanding Lighting Direction, Electronic, Multi-camera for Variety, Music or Comedy Programming, we have a three-way tie! Back to the horses.
Back to the horses! God Gee, Lisa, looks like tomorrow I'll be shoveling ten feet of global warming.
Global warming can cause weather at both extremes-- hot and cold.
I see.
So you're saying warming makes it colder.
Well, aren't you the Queen of Crazyland? Everything's the opposite of everything.
I'm Lisa Simpson.
Really? Really? Uh-huh, all right.
Mush, nerds, mush! I'm part of a team! Oh, look how the snow glistens on the tiniest branches.
Yeah, yeah, miracles are all around us.
Now, please.
I am trying to hear the school closings.
The following schools are closed.
Springfield High School, Springfield Middle School, Springfield El Excelente Spanish Language School.
Oh! Springfield Element al Center for Periodic Table Studies.
Oh! Springfield Elementary Sc uba Diving Academy.
Oh, for crying out loud! And of course, Springfield Elementary is closed.
We were just messing with Bart Simpson.
I've got one.
Springfield El bow Macaroni Factory.
Skinner! What factory makes just one kind of pasta? Uh, well, I just thought, uh, specialization being the wave of the future? Uh, probably, uh Snow day! What the? What a smart way to spend a snowy day.
Good grief.
Headshot! Headshot! Oh, right in the carrot.
Headshot.
Huh? A branch must have knocked out the power lines.
Fine.
I'll see what's on TV.
That runs on electricity, also.
All right, I'll watch a DVD.
There's no way that runs on electricity.
Really? Does Obama know about this? I can't believe this is how pilgrims lived.
Huh? When Maggie's nightlight goes out, her onesie becomes a funsie.
This announcer has never seen diapers so dapper.
What do you want? I want to play with you guys.
Fine.
Get this on in two minutes, lose the attitude, and for God's sake, suck in that pooch.
Go, go, go! And now, making his debut on the catwalk, Bartholomew! Belt is by Twizzler, vest courtesy of Nelson, tights are by Hello Kitty Hello Kitty? I thought they were Spider-Man heads.
Ew! Ew! Ew! Oh! Stupid shoes over tights! Why did I want to play with a couple of lame-o girls? Because you envy us.
Maggie and I share the deepest bond there is-- sisterhood.
We'll be closer than best friends for the rest of our lives.
But you'll never know what that's like, because you won't ever have a brother.
I don't need a brother.
I'm a bad ass loner like Wolverine, who leaves whenever people beg him not to leave.
"'Off with their heads!' said the Red Queen.
" Now, pull the tab.
More.
More.
More.
Oh, I don't need a brother, and no dream will convince me I do.
I want a turn! I want a turn! You've got the bike.
It's not the same.
That's a perfect spiral, Eli.
Winning a Super Bowl just doesn't compare to chucking the ball around with my brother.
It's easy being a winner in the pros.
Try winning two high school basketball championships like I did.
Good for you, Squirt.
I'm the oldest! Keep away from Cooper! Hey.
Why'd you stop? I-I I just I just wanted to say something.
- What? - Dick? - Yes? - You-You're my brother, and I love you.
Well, I love you, too, Tom.
Thank you very much.
But if you hadn't fought CBS, they would never have fired us from our show.
Oh, they-they didn't fire us, Dick.
- They didn't? - We quit.
We did not quit.
They fired us.
You You were fired.
They fired us from the show.
No, they fired you.
They didn't fire me.
Why wouldn't they fire you? Because they can't fire the yo-yo master! And here is "shoot the moon.
" I'm so cool.
Now look what you've done.
Bart was having a perfectly nice dream about brothers, and you ruined it.
Yeah? We? Well, huh.
Oh, my God, I want a brother! - You can have mine, but he's kind of an idiot.
- D'oh.
Dad, I want a baby brother.
Son, I love you kids.
But I'm only going to the hospital one more time in my life, and I ain't coming out.
Lisa got a sister.
Why can't you have another boy? Girls are easy.
Girls love Daddy.
Girls make birthday cards with glitter on them.
Girls can marry a hockey player and get me seats to hockey games.
Girls don't steal my knives and I don't have to tell girls how their bodies work, 'cause I don't know.
You never told me how my body works.
Point and shoot.
My dad is such a jerk.
I want a baby brother, and he said no.
Maybe you could trick your parents into making a baby the way my Mom nearly tricked Charles Barkley.
Trick 'em.
I like it.
But how? A romantic dinner? That's a great idea! Oh, my God! I killed Kenny! Ralph.
No, I killed Kenny yesterday.
What did I do now? Do I smell tarragon-crusted Atlantic salmon? Bart's cooked us a five-course romantic dinner.
You had me at "five-course," you lost me at "romantic," and you got me back at "dinner.
" Oh, what a lovely evening.
And it's not over yet.
Oh.
Hope you saved room for passion fruit soufflé with crème anglaise for two.
And one for Mom.
There comes a time in every marriage when it comes down to this.
Do we eat dessert, or do we make love? Maybe we could do both.
Yeah! We couldn't do both.
No we could not.
Are you sure this'll work? Hey, this is the DVD my parents used to make me.
So it kind of works.
Homer Simpson, look what the snuggle fairy left in our DVD player.
Hmm.
People in other countries make love? It's about time.
Which position should we try? The Yawning Monkey? The Pair Of Tongs? Ooh, look.
Congress Of The Crow! Okay! All right, all right, um, your ankle goes there Uh-huh, and now hand me your neck.
And turn that upside down.
Mm-hmm, and swivel that till you hear a grinding noise.
Don't look at that.
A few more minor adjustments, and Ow! Ooh! Oh! More Vicodin and eggs, please.
Um.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh.
What do you want, Simpson? Can't you see we're busy hockin' loogs? Nice loog! Wish I'd hocked that! Look, I want a baby brother, but I can't get my parents to do it.
Here's the thing, Simpson.
No matter how dead their relationship seems, all parents eventually commit the heinous act of love.
Mine do it once a year on the magical day when the prison and the insane asylum have their annual mixer.
What you've got to worry about is the pill.
The pill? What's that? It's medicine doctors give moms to keep babies up in Heaven.
Well, I need a baby now, and I'm not getting any younger! Then get rid of the pills.
Got it.
How can I thank you? Uh give yourself a wedgie.
- Don't you want to do it? - Can't.
Carpal-nurple syndrome.
The doctor said if I didn't take it easy, I might never shove a kid's face in the drinking fountain again.
Scary.
A wakeup call for all of us.
Mom'll never know.
Bart Simpson! Tac-Tics?! Bart, you've always been a handful, but you've never interfered with my reproductive freedom.
Why now? I just wanted a baby brother, but Dad said I was one "Uday" who didn't need a "Qusay.
" I just wanted what Lisa and Maggie have.
Oh, Barty, I'm sorry.
But your father and I think that three kids is just perfect.
What about what I want? I'd help you take care of him.
Remember those hamsters you were going to take care of? Oh, my God, the hamsters! And even if we did have another baby, it might not be a boy.
It might be another sister.
Another sister?! How could you possibly need all these clothes? Shopping: it's the most fun you could have standing up.
Hey, you didn't see what I cooked up in the galley of my last flight to London.
They don't call it "Virgin" Airlines anymore.
You're right.
I can't risk another girl.
Use whatever birth control you want.
It's your body.
That's right! It is! One boy to go, please.
Easy on the freckles.
A ten-year-old can't adopt a child.
Oh, you think he's for me! You know, the orphan is for my folks-- they can't have more kids.
It is so sad-- a real-life Jaws bit off my dad's wiener.
Come on, I'd be an awesome big brother! I've got videogames! A tree house! A garage stuffed to the rafters with illegal fireworks! Oh, sweet Meerschaum, take me away.
Uh-oh.
I'm sorry, kid.
It's not gonna happen.
I'd give my brother everything I have! He could be the race car in Monopoly! Monopoly! The race car! Wake up! I'm Bart Simpson.
Who the hell are you? I'm your new brother! Are you from the orphanage, or do I really not understand how babies are born.
So, Charlie, how did you escape the island of misfit boys? Shinnied down a drainpipe.
You like to shinny? I like to shinny.
Where do you see yourself in 20 years? One-armed drummer in a prison rock band.
Nice! Favorite Beatle? Dung.
Me, too! There must be some reason no one ever adopted you.
Is one of your feet a hand? People only want to adopt babies.
Babies? We've got one of those.
Overrated.
Shop it somewhere else, sister.
Dad, this is Charlie, my new, um, best friend.
Hello, sir.
You're going to be seeing a lot of him around the house.
Well, welcome, Charlie! Nice to meet ya! No glasses-- way to go! This one's a keeper! Yo! Check out my brother, Charlie! Brother? What are you talking about? How come I've never seen him before? Uh, he was born with two noses and we hid him away till we could afford to cut one off.
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
Two noses! You deserve a brother, Bart.
You deserve good things! When poking a dead animal, don't go straight for the eye.
Build up to it.
My son, afraid of water.
So, Lisa, how do you like sharing a bathroom with two brothers? Two brothers? Bart, who is this kid? Be cool, be cool-- he's an orphan.
You know, just like Annie, except he's a dude and he hates tomorrow.
I hate it so much! Bart, you have to take him back! You're just jealous 'cause now I've got what you've got with Maggie, only better because we're dudes with 'tudes! Kids, calm down! Here.
Have a Not Very Berry Blast.
It goes great with our "notton candy.
" Awesome, they made a sequel to Sever IV.
This movie's going to be great, full of blood and gore and torture and guts and Two kid's tickets for The Diversity Kittens.
and murder and swears and brains and basements and bones and saws and lungs and faces worn as hats.
Hmm.
Now, you probably think Sever V is a rip-off of Sever IV, but it's actually based on the rich history of Hong Kong torture films.
Uh-oh.
The boogeyman's going to eat my brain! I'm sorry.
I guess having a little brother is more responsibility than I thought, especially 'cause I thought it'd be no responsibility at all.
Aah, it's the boogeyman! There is no such thing as a boogeyman.
Boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie! Simpson, step away from the orphan.
Do not give him any more love.
I repeat, do not give him any more love.
Mr.
Policeman, please take me home.
That mean boy took me to a scary movie and he covered his sister's doll in peanut butter and bird seed.
Charlie, you'd rat on me? Hey, no, no, what do you think you're do--? My snout, my beautiful snout! Sorry, dude, I didn't see you.
How could you not see me? My arms are like hams.
Hams! Hey! Go ahead, leave.
That's what you're good at! Where are we going to hide? The same place Eskimos hide from penguins.
Now, Charlie, we'll have to live off what we find in the garbage-- banana strings, muffin liners-- but it'll be cool 'cause it's just you and me.
Hello, Bart.
How did you find us? You left a trail of lost winter clothes.
Are you gonna turn us in? No, I'm gonna convince you to turn yourselves in.
- Never.
- Never, huh? What are you going to eat? Snow-- God's cotton candy.
Huh, snow, hmm? Better change your mind quick, Bart.
A snow plow is coming to seal us in.
The Plow King lives! And Bart, maybe Charlie can't be your little brother, but you'll always be a big brother to me.
Please don't send me back, Bart.
This was the best day of my life.
Oh, no! You took too long to make an obvious decision! Don't worry, me and Charlie have one thing you'll never have.
Point and shoot, bro, point and shoot.
Oh, gross, gross, gross, gross.
Hey, you're alive, aren't you? I wish I weren't.
I'm here to visit Charlie.
Charlie? He's gone.
A nice new family adopted him.
Now he has six wonderful sisters.
He's so cute.
Let's do his nails.
- He's my baby.
- He's my baby.
- Mom! - I'm telling.
Dad! I want ice cream.
- I'm a princess.
- No, I'm a princess.
She got juice on my sweater.
- Big cheater.
- You're the cheater.
Ugly.
So many sisters.
Save me, Bart.
I know you miss him, boy, so let's you and me spend some quality father and son time.
That's so fake.
That's so fake.
I don't know how they-- That's so real! Oh, come on.
Look out! Why would that guy--? Look out! That's fake.
Take it, Tom! Take it, Tom! Hey, wait a minute.
Wait, hold it, hold it.
I said, "Take it, Tom.
" Did you hear me say, "Take it, Tom"? I didn't hear you say, "Take it.
" Well, what did you think you heard? I didn't, I didn't think I heard what you think you said.
Well, what do you think I said? Well, I I heard - It sounded like you said "naked bacon.
" - "Naked bacon"? - Sounded like "naked bacon.
" - It sounded like I said Did somebody say "naked bacon"? - Yeah, see? - What? We all thought it was "naked bacon.
" Yeah, it sounded like "naked bacon" to me.
I don't know why they say you're the dumb guy, Tom.
I don't know, either.
You said "naked bacon.
" I definitely said, "Take it, Tom.
" - But if you - No, you said "naked bacon.
" - That's what I thought.
- We both agree You may both agree, but folk singers never say, "Take it, naked bacon.
" Do you guys know "Funkytown"? done by YesCool edited by YesCool & Arcinboldi