The Simpsons s22e01 Episode Script

Elementary School Musical

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) It's 4:00 a.
You kids should have been in bed a half-hour ago.
We're watching the Nobel Prize announcements live from Stockholm.
Ooh, the Nobies! (grunting) For Economics Jagdish Bhagwati.
Huzzah! I had him in the pool.
HOMER: Lucky.
Quiet! It's time for the noblest Nobel Prize of all: the Peace Prize.
I would kill for that.
And the Nobel Prize for Peace goes to Isn't this exciting? Krusty the Clown.
(gasping) BROCKMAN: And now, to comment on joining the ranks of Martin Luther King, Jr.
, Ghandi, and Desmond Tutu, here's the man who always parks in my spot, Krusty the Clown! I'd just like to say: this thing is worth nearly two million dollars.
How do you like me now, Teen Choice Awards? Kent Brockman, Channel Six, and channelsix.
Will you be flying to Norway to accept the prize? I'm looking forward to visiting the Arctic Circle, or as I call it, my wife's side of the bed! For the purposes of that joke, I'm married.
(guffawing) (laughing) (wheezing) (choking, coughing) Hey! You! Big Chief Laugh-at-Crap.
Meet me in my limo in five minutes.
(springs creaking) (laughing) Arctic Circle-- I just got that! All right, all right, settle down.
Homer, you're the easiest laugh I know.
How easy am I? Shut up! I'm gonna need you in the audience when I accept the Peace Prize in Oslo.
(gasps) Can my son come, too? He knows what to do when I swallow my tongue.
Eh, why not? They fight and bite They fight and bite and fight Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite The Itchy and Scratchy Show! They fight and bite? I never go to Europe without learning something.
Now listen, I need you two to hold these for me.
Your drugs put me to sleep.
Your drugs wake me up.
If I ask you to give me more, you say no.
If I ask you again, you give 'em to me.
Why aren't I going to Oslo? The Nobel Prizes are my freakin' thing.
But no, Bart gets everything because he's the oldest, and he's a boy.
And Maggie gets what's ever left over, because she's the youngest and she's a baby.
Meanwhile, I just stand and wave to people going to better places.
Would half a bottle of confiscated water cheer you up? Ew, no thanks.
Quite the little princess, ain't she? (Lisa sighs) I'm just gonna chill out with a little This American Life.
I'm Ira Glass.
Remember when you were five years old, putting ketchup on your hot dog? Today, in five acts: condiments.
Act one, mustard.
Act two, mayo.
Act three, relish.
Act four, corn relish Mom, this isn't the way home.
Maybe we're not going home right away.
Oh, I get it.
LISA: They go to Oslo, we get some ice cream.
Well, you could get some ice cream, or spend a week at performing arts camp! Whoops-- didn't time that quite right.
(happy gasp) Oh, my God! Mom, thank you! I just need my (gasps) Did you really think I'd forget? Now have a great time.
Victory for the middle child! Aw, you think I forgot you? Babies shouldn't jump to conclusions.
(happy gasp) Hello? Hello? (screams) Huh? I I love the elegant pearls you wear And the starfish shape that constitutes your hair You'll Be staying in Cabin 12 And we think that you'll be very happy there.
CAMPERS: You're gonna like arts camp, Lisa Marge paid with her debit VISA Arts, arts, arts education You're gonna like arts camp, Lisa Marge paid with her debit VISA Arts, arts, arts education You're gonna like arts camp, Lisa Marge paid with her debit VISA Arts, arts, arts education You're gonna like arts camp, Lisa Marge paid with her debit VISA MAN: Knock, knock! Lisa, I'm Kurt, and this is Ethan.
We're the counselors- slash-musical directors- slash-community outreach liaisons- slash counselors.
KURT: You said counselors twice.
ETHAN: We do a lot of counseling.
Yeah, but we don't do twice as much counseling.
Well, don't question me in front of the children! She can't hear us, we're stage whispering.
I can hear you.
No, you can't.
Okay, Lisa, let's get your camp T-shirt.
All our camp T-shirts are medium Well, I hope you wear medium, girl-- huh! We should also find you a meal plan.
Meal-planning lady Plan my meals, baby Do you guys always do that? Do what? Sing what you just said, then play a little guitar riff? No, we don't do that We never do that Well, we sometimes do that But very infrequently, lady.
(vocal riff) How 'bout that airline food, huh? They should've called it "chicken cordon blech"! (weary laugh) Another good one.
Huh? Wait a minute This doesn't look like Oslo.
Where are the wood-stave churches? Historic Akershus Fortress? You are not in Oslo.
You are in Holland specifically, The Hague.
Did you say a Hague? I said The Hague.
(shrieks) What's going on? Where's my Nobel Prize? There is no prize.
It was merely a ruse to get you to Europe, so we could try you for the terrible crimes you've committed on this continent! It was all a setup! You gotta read me the charges! You dropped a monkey from the Eiffel Tower Uh-huh.
In Greece, you committed something called "aggravated hey-hey" Forgot about that one.
And here in Holland, you stole the entire act of our beloved clown "Van Kru sten.
" U bestolen al mijn jokenchortles! Gaah! Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute! One of the most important skills a performer can learn is dealing with hecklers.
And action! Top of the evening, Officer Krupke.
Your dog's dead! Um that's not really a heckle.
Right, yeah, right.
I've seen more life in the Wellington Botanic Gardens! That is a heckle, but if you're not from New Zealand, it loses some of its sting.
How much? Well, most of it.
Do you think they won't know the reference? If they did know the Gardens, then they would know that they're teeming with life.
So, what do you guys do when you're not camp counselors? We're highly successful artists.
And as artists, we live in Springfield's most artistic borough Sprooklyn.
(impressed murmurs) We spend our days acting and painting dancing and sculpting playing my Gibson rehearsing my Ibsen.
Because, you see, young artists, Artists are the people who hold up a mirror Artists make society see its faults clearer Artists help stamp out oppression and wars And when we camp outdoors We make the best s'mores.
Three layers, Mother Nature.
Mmm Mmm Yeah, yeah.
Artists end poverty with music and dance Artists make art on the beaches of France I never knew artists were all so amazing Excuse me while I talk to this cow that is grazing I give art like you give milk (mooing) Everyone listens when artists are talking 'Cause artists are smarter than Mr.
Stephen Hawking (synthesized): Oh, yeah.
Break it down for me, fellas.
(synthesized music) (synthesized voice) : A brief history of rhyme.
Do you think that I could be an artist in the city? Hold on, Lisa, let me check with the committee So, what do you guys think? (moos) HAWKING: Yes.
I agree.
Yes, Lisa, you could be an artist in the world So move to the city when you're less itty-bitty, girl To the gritty city when you're less itty-bitty, girl The city's pretty gritty for an itty-bitty pretty girl.
(gavel banging) I am really, really sorry for everything I've been charged with and all the stuff you don't know about yet.
There is only one possible way to earn your freedom.
Oh, I get it.
Everyone's windmill needs a new blade now and then, right? No! Our windmills are the envy of the world! (low grunt) To win exoneration, you must prove that you have made a singular contribution to Western culture.
Western, huh? Did you ever see my "Wyatt Burp" sketch? Everyone on my payroll says it's great.
I am not familiar with this "Wyatt Burp.
" Oh, uh then, uh Let me do my "Dutch Oven" bit! It's about other Dutchmen, not you.
(chuckles weakly) You know, uh AIESHA: Those clouds look like a casting director saying, "You've got the part.
" That cloud looks like legendary Broadway lyricist Betty Comden.
I finally found the place I belong.
You're week's up.
Time to go home! (stunned gasp) It can't be Saturday already.
Monday was orientation.
Tuesday, we did mime.
Wednesday we did Mame.
Thursday we got attacked by bees.
Friday morning, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Elaine Stritch helped us make wallets.
Friday evening, we performed Angels in America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes.
Part One: Millennium Approaches.
Part Two Perestroika? That's right! Strike the set, pizza party, Saturday morning, and then (gasps) No! Good-bye, Lisa.
I'll miss you a lot, then a little, then not too much.
(strumming folk chords) Lisa, do you have to leave this minute? No time.
I don't want to get stuck behind the joggers from the fat camp.
(joggers panting, horns honking) (tires squealing, engine roaring) I can't go home.
Something happened this week that completely changed me.
Oh, you didn't see a boy lose his swim trunks, did you? No.
I fell in love with theater, dance, and song.
We've got plenty of songs in the car, by Maggie's favorite singer: Roofi.
Brush your teeth, comb your hair Have an apple or a pear Bup-up-up.
Safety locks.
Brush your teeth, comb your hair Have an apple or a pear Brush your teeth, comb your hair Have an apple or a pear (groans) Brush your teeth comb your hair Have an apple or a What's the matter, Lisa? You're usually the first one out of this death trap.
Well, the combination of me leaving arts camp and you driving on and off the shoulder has made me a little ill.
I guess I shouldn't be playing this driving game while I'm driving.
(tires squealing) (screaming) Okay, maybe it won't be that bad.
Hey Lisa, how was farts camp? (laughing) Farts camp-- that's great.
Arts camp was lovely.
Did you paint a picture on toilet paper? (laughing) (playing "My Country 'Tis of Thee" slowly & off-key) (playing up-tempo jazz solo) Lisa Simpson, please stick to the illegally Xeroxed sheet music.
But arts camp encouraged us to spread our wings and fly.
Lisa, I went to arts camp, too.
And all it does is fill your coconut with banana-cream dreams that can never come true.
How do you cope? (whimpers) Vanilla Wafers, plum wine and take it from the top.
My country 'tis of thee Life disappointed me I'm 53.
We gotta find a clip that proves Krusty's made a cultural contribution.
Let's see what we've got here.
Ah, here we are-- Top to bottom, left to right, readin' things is outta sight.
Speaking of out of sight, you've gotta hide me.
I slept with the lighting director's wife, and (funky jazz playing) (noisy chewing, smacking) No appetite, honey? It's just dinner conversation at arts camp was a bit more stimulating.
One night we spoke only in lines from famous poems.
Because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me.
Emily Dickinson.
No, I was just describing my day.
(sighs) If you need me, I'll be upstairs saying good-bye to my dreams.
My dream is to be able to walk up stairs like an eight-year-old girl.
(moans) Maggie, your big sister is leaving for a more artistic life.
I'll send for you when I'm famous.
We'll take the town by storm, like the Bronte sisters.
Oh, Maggie, don't ever turn two.
("Rhapsody in Blue" playing) (car alarms blaring) Aha! (panting) (whimpers nervously) Lisa Simpson.
What are you doing here? I came to share in the esteem that the world bestows on its artists.
Uh, yeah.
Brrr! Boy, it sure is cold in here.
No heat.
It's, uh, part of our art.
(two gunshots) (man groaning) More art.
Ethan, look what I stole from work.
Yes! Tomatoes? What kind of artists are you? Sandwich artists.
But we get to eat any sandwiches we drop on the floor.
Unless we drop them on purpose.
They've got cameras on us at all times.
Are you saying that arts camp was a lie? Well, not the swimming.
Look, Lisa, I think it's time we can sang you the truth.
Artists are the least important people in the world So whatever you do, don't be an artist, girl Artists make a living dressing up like a falafel Artists shed a tear When they're called something awful You ain't no falafel! Artists sit in jail, on a lifetime hitch The only way out is become a prison snitch Oh, why did I sing that out loud? What I don't get is Why all the lies We wanted you to think We were happening guys.
(sniffles) Well, philosophically, we're happening, in the sense that we exist.
Not for long, if we don't drop more sandwiches.
CHIEF MAGISTRATE: Herschel Krustofsky, you stand accused of the most heinous crimes known to clowndom.
Have you anything to say in your defense? I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I've led a worthless life.
I've been this way since I was a little squirt! Heh? Heh? Come on, I thought you Euro-jerks loved unfunny comedy.
We don't put "Euro" in front of everything.
Euro-guards! Take him away in Euro-cuffs.
Wait! Not so fast! We found something to save Krusty! And it's on this DVD.
Is it region one or region two? Uh, what region is America? Region one.
Woo-hoo! (chanting): We're region one! We're region one! Well, this is region two, so I'm afraid your exculpatory evidence will produce nothing more than an error message stating "unreadable disc.
" If it please the court, my brother has a multi-region player.
I just pray he's not on a state-mandated five-week vacation.
(ticking) (lively band music playing) (clanging) Get this back to me by 6:00.
I'm having a Real Housewives of Atlanta season two party.
My dressing room has regular potato chips, but my contract specifically stated half regular, half ruffled! Krusty, please Forget it! Forget it! The gig's off! I ain't gonna play Sun City.
Vuvuzela me out of here.
(vuvuzelas blowing) Three days later, South Africa freed Nelson Mandela from prison.
Krusty the Klown, your selfishness has saved the world.
Case dismissed.
I'm just glad you all finally saw what an amazing human being I am.
Now, where's the nearest place I can score a little victory weed? That would be the courthouse cafeteria.
I'll be right there.
Order me, um, a raspberry crepe and a brick of hash.
How do you smoke it? I melt it and inject it into my eyelid.
Hey, you're all right.
(dog howling nearby) Playing guitars Playing guitar, guitars It's hard to sing while playing Guitars Guitars.
What's she doing with her hands? It's called applause.
I'm not sure I like it.
MARGE: Lisa? Are you in here? Mom! Take me home! (door creaks shut) Hi.
I'm Moe.
It's good that little kid left, 'cause this song is gonna get into a very dark area.
(playing minor-key chords) Good-bye, guys.
I'll try again when I'm older.
Remember us for our exaggerations, not our reality.
And we gave you a little surprise for your trip back.
Is it your laundry? Okay, two surprises.
(tires squeal) In a way, I think we learned more from her than she did from us.
Yeah, well, obviously, because we taught her nothing.
Lisa, look! Oh Thanks, guys.
How did we get way up here? Weren't we just back there? The magic of art.
(jet engines whooshing) (door creaks, bell tinkles) Sorry we're late.
(quietly): Nice one.
It's hard to sing while playing Guitars Guitars.
Artists are the people who hold up a mirror Artists make society see its faults clearer Ha, ha, ha Artists help stamp out oppression and war And when we camp outdoors We make the best s'mores Three layers, Mother Nature Mmm, mmm Yeah, yeah Artists end poverty with music and dance Artists make art on the beaches of France LISA: I never knew artists were all so amazing KURT: Excuse we while I talk to this cow that is grazing I give art Like you give milk (cow mooing) LISA: Do you think that I could be An artist in the city? Hold on, Lisa, let me check with the committee Yes, Lisa, you can be an artist in the world So move to the city when you're less itty-bitty, girl The city's pretty gritty for an itty-bitty pretty girl.
(cow moos)
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