The Simpsons s22e05 Episode Script

Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life

(squawks) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (dreamlike music plays) (somber music plays) Show! (whistle blows) (grunts) Hey! (exclaims) (cheering) Mousey and Catsy, aren't they great? Now listen up, kids.
Krusty's sponsor, the Texxon family of gas stations, wants you to know that today's the last day of their "Happy Little Elves" giveaway! It's Texxon's way of saying, "Sorry about those million dead pelicans.
" (goofy laugh) (sucking pacifier fairly fast) You'll really love the intentionally scarce "Baby Must-Have.
" (sucking pacifier really fast) Don't you want her beyond all reason? (laughing) Maggie, you can't climb into the TV.
If you could, I'd make Alex Trebek answer some questions.
Dad, I think Maggie's just sad 'cause her set is missing "Baby Must-Have.
" No child of mine will go without anything, ever! Except quality health care! Didn't there used to be more Texxon stations? Yes, but they sold a bunch off to that frozen yogurt chain.
(ringing) What a cheap date this is.
I'm not cheap, baby, I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.
Big difference.
Hmm (humming) Hmm.
Nice part of town you got here.
Too bad you keep it so far away.
(laughing) Now that we're best friends, can I get the baby elf? Pick a box.
You get what you get.
You can't tell what's inside! Oh, of all the times not to have x-ray vision.
Mm I'll take that one.
Hmm? This isn't the right one.
She wants the baby.
I can't give you another toy till you buy another ten gallons of gas.
You're lucky you're behind glass.
Ain't no glass.
(groans) Sure, it's easy to slap people when you're hiding behind that glass! (grunts) You have a good day.
Drive all the way, get the wrong elf.
Ain't no glass.
I'll show them.
I'll buy ten more gallons of their stupid gas.
(tires squealing) (kids screaming) Whoo-hoo! (all groaning) (pump ringing) D'oh! (engine running) (ringing) D'oh! (ringing) D'oh! (ringing) D'oh! (ringing) (ringing) D'oh! (ringing) (snoring) (gasps) (ringing) (sighs) D'oh! Oh, Homie, maybe we should call it a day.
Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie, but even at your age, I'm sure you understand things can't always go your way, and that's why I can't believe we didn't get that stupid elf! (sobbing) Where the hell are we? I've never seen stores like these before.
(gasps) I know where we are! This is the neighborhood where I grew up! Ooh, everything's changed.
That tree used to be a smaller tree.
And that food bank used to be a regular bank.
The march of progress.
(gasps) There's my old house! (tires squeal, sighs) Someday when I'm a grownup, maybe I'll go back and look fondly at our house.
Well, stop in and say "hi" to me 'cause I'll still be there, chillin' in my basement bachelor pad.
Be sure to water the flowers on my backyard grave.
As long as I can dig you up and stick you on the front porch every Halloween.
Just don't dress me up like a woman.
We'll see.
(tapping) (all gasp) I know what you folks are here for.
Rabbits! I just kilt this one because it stopped bein' cute! We're not here for rabbit.
I used to live in this house as a girl.
I live in it now as a woman.
Hey, you wanna come on in? Take a look around? Oh, I'd love to, if it's not an imposition.
Well, as long as we don't have to feed this one.
(woman and Homer laugh) Tell her "no deal.
" Everything's just the way I remember it.
You see that mirror? I discovered that if I sat in the kitchen, I could see if the bathroom was free using the reflection from the mirror off the toaster.
(humming happy tune) (groans in disgust) This was my bedroom.
(gasps) My bedpost smooshes are still in the carpet! (laughs) I want to go read books in the car.
There are no books in the car.
I just want to sit in the car! I always wondered who "Marge" is.
(gasps) My memorables! Over the years, I've sure been tempted to go through this stuff.
So I did, many times.
(clattering noise in room) My whole childhood is in this box.
My scrunchies.
I never really had the hair for these.
Wow, Mom.
You got first place in the science fair.
Oh, that's ancient history.
Ooh, here's my paper on ancient history.
Mom, these grades are amazing.
Just as good as mine.
LISA: But then you wound up like you.
(horn honking) (school bell rings) (all shouting happily) (all groan) Oh, man.
The drainage around here is a joke.
I don't even know why I pay taxes.
BART: Coming through! (kids gasping) Just when you think I'm out of ideas! ("Metal on Metal" by Anvil plays) Whoop! Ahh! Feeling the grind, up go the hammers (kids laughing) (gasps) (growls) (all gasp) Mm-hmm.
Get your affairs in order.
(groans, gasps) Bart beat up Nelson.
MARTIN: A new bully has risen.
ALL: Simpson! Boombaye! Simpson! Boombaye! (sobbing) Oh! Mama! (kids laughing) (sobbing) (humming) Buying those extra trophies from cash-strapped schools really filled out the old case.
Principal Skinner? Quick question.
Is it true my mom was a great student? Oh, indeed.
Your mother was as fine a student as you.
Keep up the good work, and you'll probably wind up just like her.
Well Of course that would be great.
But I see myself making an impact outside the home.
(chuckles) Lisa, one of the hardest jobs I have is throwing cold water on young children's dreams.
Ralph, you're not a kangaroo.
(groans of disappointment) The point is, I've learned a lot about human nature by sitting in the park with Mother.
And one thing I've learned is children turn out like their parents.
Behold, your future.
(sadly): Oh Ralph, you're also not a trophy.
(groans sadly) Skinner! I warned you about interacting with students.
I don't want to have to yell at you! You yell at me about everything.
Well I can't yell at anyone else! Teachers have a union.
Students have parents.
What about Willie? I like Willie! Maggie, something happened to Mom, and I'm gonna find out what and when.
Mom's looking good through elementary school.
Ninth grade, tenth grade, still riding the A-Train.
Then suddenly, when she was a high school senior Blam! MARGE: You kids play nice up there! What could have happened? (ominous music plays) (Homer humming happy tune) Dad? Hmm? Can I talk to you for a second? What is troubling you, my son? I mean, my girl son? Well, um, I was looking through Mom's old schoolwork, and I noticed her grades went down when she started going out with you.
Hey, if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone or something else.
Sooner or later, everyone meets their Homer.
No offense, Dad, but no boy is gonna distract me from my dreams.
It may not be a boy.
It could be anything: scrapbooking, high-stakes poker, or the Santa Fe lifestyle.
Just pick a dead end and chill out till you die.
No! That's not gonna happen to me! I'm gonna make sure nothing distracts me ever! (whistling nonchalantly) Whoa! Look at you, strutting around, like you're Toad of Toad Hall.
Uh, I'm just whistling, man.
(whistling feebly) You think you're so smart, don't you , Simpson? We're both in the same reading group.
I think you know how smart I am.
That's an insult to me and the rest of the inchworms.
(grunts) (groans) Bart did it again! I'm not a bully! It's just a series of incredible coincidences.
Well, Bart, I guess his parking spot is yours now.
Well done.
(exasperated grunt) (crickets chirping) Okay, I've gotten rid of all of my distractions, diversions, hobbies (gasps) Oh, my God! Are you a distraction or a higher calling? All right, let's see.
How many jazz musicians led long and happy lives? There's, um (sniffing) (muffled notes playing) That's odd.
Lisa just threw her saxophone out the window.
Oh, that's probably because to her, the saxophone is a me, she shdoe don't want to end up like you.
Good night.
She doesn't want to end up like me? Uh, no, she does, totally, but, uh, with a happier ending.
Good night.
What's so wrong with me? (chuckles) Nothing, sweetie, nothing.
Here, let me explain.
She does not want to turn out like you didn't not until diplomatic trapped help.
(à la hypnotist, claps twice) Remember nothing! I remember everything.
Well, if you check your purse, I think you'll find the seven of clubs! No.
Just a picture of Lisa-- who wants to be nothing like me.
I am so sorry, Marge.
Hee-hee-hee.
MARGE: Stupid pan! (frustrated grunting) Mom, could you keep it down a little? I'm trying to study.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Here's your breakfast.
Not a good time! Mom, is something wrong? Would it be so bad to turn out like me?! Mom, I admire everything you do.
But it's not good enough, is it? It's plenty good.
It's great! It's just not for me.
(horn honks) School bus! (affectionately): Mmm (disgruntledly): Mwa.
What kind of kiss did you get? Normal.
You? Ice-cold.
You're just imagining things.
Oh, yeah? Hmm What does your note say? The seven of clubs? Ta-dah! Ugh! What's the point of getting rid of all the distractions at home if I have to do my learning here? (excited shouts) (floor waxer whirring) (to tune of "Loch Lomond"): Oh, I'll wax the upstairs And I'll wax the downstairs And I'll get drunk in the li'bry! Willie! Do you have to wax this floor now? No, no, I can come back later.
Whoa-aah! Oof! (bones crack) (screams) Oh.
Should I get the nurse? Nay, just keep studyin'.
I'll scream this out.
(cracking) (screaming) (groaning in pain) (cracking) (anguished screams) Aah! (groaning) (yells) I can get to you whenever I want, Simpson.
But I'm gonna bide my time.
You won't even hear the punch that wastes you.
And you'll crack like one of those chicken turds rich people eat.
You mean an egg? I mean you're dead! Aah! Let me out of here, so I can put you in here! Ha! You're not so tough now.
(grunts) (screaming) (lively chatter) Aw Dad was right-- I might as well give up.
(classical chamber music playing) (chamber music continues) (gasps) Cloisters Academy? That bus could pick me up any day of the week! 'Sup, bro? I'm not your brother.
Lord Buddha, I know I'm not supposed to want stuff, but come on! Cloisters Academy is a refuge for quiet learning.
We have every facility imaginable, including an imaginatorium.
Oh, no, wait, it's over there.
Mom! Dad! Please can I go here? I'll study so hard, I'll make the old me look like Bart! That would be one weird-looking kid.
We'd love to send you here, sweetie.
We just can't afford it.
Well, I'm sure Lisa will be fine at Springfield Elementary.
I hear they just found out there was a World War II.
(chuckles) (groans) Oh Homer, Lisa, could you please step outside? I have a few choice words for this gentleman.
Mom please don't.
Oh, I've seen that look before.
That's the "I ate the piece of wedding cake she's been saving in the freezer ten years" look.
You what?! Run! (dramatic music plays) (screams) Lisa, your mother convinced me to take a closer look at your record, and upon further reflection, I have decided to offer you a full scholarship to Cloisters Academy.
I have a future! Oh! Thank you, Mom! Oh, thank you, four-eyes! So, you'll start Monday.
I'm so exci Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Quiet campus.
Shh.
Now, please, hold your celebration until you're off the school grounds.
(whooping, cheering, shouting) (whooping, cheering, shouting stop) (whispers): What time Monday? Um, 8:00.
Thank you.
(all resume cheering, whooping, shouting) (classical music playing) An academy.
I'm attending an academy.
Hi.
I see that you're new, and we'd be honored to have you join our softball team.
I'm sorry, I don't really play.
Oh, no one plays.
We just discuss the physics of the game.
I lead the team in E.
R.
A.
: Extremely Right Answers.
Count me in! MARGE: What's wrong, sweetie? You seem upset.
I don't want to talk about it.
(groans) Oh A kid at school's gonna beat me up.
Is it Milhouse? Milhouse couldn't beat me up.
Are you sure? He's having a growth spurt.
It's not Milhouse! Is it a girl? It's Nelson! Hm! I never figured him for the bully type.
Well, if he's got you cornered, and Milhouse isn't there to help you, there's only one way out-- Make him feel good about himself! How do I do that? I don't know.
Compliment his glasses.
It's not Milhouse! Hi, Lisa.
I'm Ms.
Marshall, and I'm your teacher.
Well, I am so happy to be in your class.
No, I'm your teacher.
I only teach you.
Your short story about the lonely pony-- gripping.
Did you get that the pony was actually me? It hit me the next day, and I read the whole thing again.
I thought we'd start the semester by turning this into a novel.
Self-published? Real published.
Oh (bell rings, children chattering) (thunder rumbling) NELSON (forebodingly): Ha ha! (thunder rumbling) This is it, Simpson! After this, your nose will not be an outtie.
Make him feel good about himself! (grunts) Uh, Nelson, for someone who never goes to the dentist, you have pretty good teeth.
They're dentures! (grunts) Uh, you do a lot with a limited wardrobe.
That's social worker talk for "I'm poor"! (grunts) Uh, uh, you punch really good! You think? Oh, yeah! And you always avoid the face around picture day.
People appreciate that.
Hey, those memories are forever.
You really care, man.
A lot of bullies just phone it in.
(coughs): Kearney.
That school is so great! Teachers teach so much better when they're paid in money, not chickens.
Is Mom gonna come up and say good night? Your mom's doing laundry, but she authorized me to say goodnight for her.
So, by the power invested in me I now pronounce you sweet dreams.
(giggles) (door creaks) (crickets chirping) (distant rumbling sound) (louder rumbling sound) Mom? (door creaks) (rumbling) (groans) Here we go.
Clean and white (yawns) and soft (snores) Mom? (screams) I see what happened.
There was no scholarship.
They said I could attend if you did all their laundry! I can't live with that knowledge while trying to get more knowledge.
Lisa, honey, I insist.
Because it's important to you that you don't turn out like me.
Mom, I don't want to go to that school.
Why not? Because it's too elitist.
Everyone's parents are in "the business.
" What business? I don't know.
They won't tell me.
And besides, you were willing to do all this just so I would be happy.
Mom, I'd be honored if I turned out like you.
(slurring): Mom, thanks to you, this box sucker didn't beat me up.
We've been pokin' foil all night.
Must've put away two eight-packs by now.
I'm so glad you two are friends again.
Look what Maggie got! Homer? How did you get Ah.
A father has his secrets.
How did he get in? Told you, ain't got no glass.
Did he take any money? Uh-uh.
Well, he did now.
Shh!