The Simpsons s22e08 Episode Script

The Fight Before Christmas

(orchestral version of "Carol of the Bells" playing) MARGE (grunting): heavy! Aah! Wrong holiday, stupid.
MECHANICAL SANTA: Ho, ho, ho.
(speeding up): Ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho! I could use some help! Marge, I'm watching a rerun of an important bowl game.
ANNOUNCER: And that last touchdown makes it 67 to 13.
Maggie! Lisa, what are you doing? Marking a crime scene.
To celebrate an ancient pagan ritual, this tree was cut down and tarted up like a dime-a-dance floozy.
Oh Next you'll have a problem with my gingerbread house.
You mean your gingerbread McMansion.
Hey, show some respect.
Three gingerbread workmen died making that.
I'm sorry, but this leg's gonna have to go.
You're gonna be okay.
It's almost over.
Now to take care of the witnesses.
Hey, I need those cookies for Santa.
At least someone around here's got the Christmas spirit.
Yep.
Come midnight, I'll be sitting here with cold cookies, warm milk, and hot lead.
What? For the last three years, I've asked that rosy-cheeked nog-hog for a dirt bike, and all he brought me was a zillion lame-o toys that I immediately broke and threw in this bag.
(screeches) But you wanted those toys.
I wanted them till I got them.
But this year, I'm gettin' my dirt bike.
Even Mac Davis himself couldn't save this Christmas.
Great, Mom.
Now I lost track of my pump count.
One pump, two pump (frustrated groan) (clattering) Bowl full of jelly, pump lead in his belly (clock chimes) (train whistle blows) What? All aboard the Polar Express! Direct service to the North Pole, with stops at Candy Cane Corners, Sugarplum Square, Jack Frost Junction, Fa-La-La-La Lane, Nutcracker Street, and Hanukkah Heights.
Some "express.
" (Bart gasps) We're flying! Yep, she'll fly, all right.
You just got to keep her happy.
(inhaling deeply) (psychedelic rock melody plays) Strange days have found us Strange days have tracked us down Excuse me, Mr.
Goblin? Elf! I'm an elf! (growling) Whatever you say.
Um, look, how do I get to Santa? Oh, no.
Only the top elves get to meet Santa.
You start in the wrapping room.
That'll take you right down.
(Bart laughing) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doin'? That leads to the daycare center.
You take the freight elevator.
Isn't this the busy season? Where is everybody? Laid off.
After NAFTA, a lot of these jobs went to the South Pole.
Well, who needs wrapping paper, anyway? Just stick a bow on the toy and you're ready to go.
Bow, bow, bow, bow, bing, bang, boom! Ooh.
You are clearly too smart to be down here with these dingle-bells.
I'm promotin' you to Toy Inspector.
Uh, the rest of youse, you're laid off.
Scram.
I can't lose my health insurance.
My lungs are full of candy cane dust! (coughing) Hey, you twos can go work for the Easter Bunny.
Oh that's right.
He ain't real.
(chuckles) Kid, you got a lot of shoddy, money-saving ideas.
Like a major airline, but you were here on time.
Come with me.
(playing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" ) So you're the brown-nosed reindeer that's jingled all the way to the top.
Just point me to Santa.
Oh, I know what you're after.
The toy you never got.
You're out of your elfin mind.
Oh, really? Well, let me ask you this.
How many kids bring a gun to meet Santa? Okay.
You got me.
And I'm gettin' my dirt bike.
And you can't stop me.
Security! (sighs) No disrespect, fat man, but you'd better crap out a dirt bike.
Close the door, boy.
I can't afford to heat the whole North Pole! Listen here, Kringle.
I may have been naughty this year.
But by today's standards, naughty's nothing.
I didn't get anybody pregnant.
I didn't Facebook a kid to death.
Make with my dirt bike! Kid, this company's bust.
For years I've been giving out free toys and getting cookies in return.
It's not a sustainable business model.
Oh, come on, man.
Things aren't that bad.
They're pretty bad.
I'm eating my own reindeer here! Oh You win.
(chuckling) That's a good boy.
You go home now, and maybe there'll be a nice pair of work socks under your tree.
You don't have to do that.
I have socks.
I'll give you socks! Thanks, kid.
Now you better head home.
I'm sure in the 25 years of Earth time you've been gone, your parents have gotten worried.
Kids never change.
Always dumb as potatoes.
("Christmas in Hollis" begins) It was December 24th, on Hollis Ave at the dark When I seen a man chillin' with his dog at the park I approached him very slowly, with my heart full of fear Looked at his dog-- oh, my God!-- a ill reindeer! But then I was illin' 'cause the man had a beard And a bag full of goodies, So I turned my head a second and the man (train chugging) CHIEF WIGGUM: Pull over! Hey kid, you ever wanted a train for Christmas? This one's yours.
(screaming) Why can't they leave a poor tree in the woods where it belongs? "BING CROSBY": I'll be home for Christmas If only in my dreams.
Hey, hey, that song goes out to all the G.
I.
s overseas and the folks missing 'em here at home.
Brought to you by Chesterton cigarettes.
Chesterton-- they feel like me, singing in your throat.
Can it really be Christmas when one of our parents is facing the German army? Simpson, get your helmet on I'm trying.
It just keeps popping off.
Ach du lieber! (yelling) You can make it through this, Marge.
Just think of Homer.
Hey, Simpson.
How come you ain't in combat like a real man? I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.
(laughter) Kids, remember when I promised to feed us from that victory garden? Well, instead, I grew this tree.
Don't dare bring that thing in here.
What? You don't want a Christmas tree? That's crazy.
Next you won't want a Christmas ham.
Don't worry about that.
I love meat and I always will.
Mm-mm! That is some sweet pig meat.
But as for Christmas trees, I used to love them, until last year This tree reminds me of your father.
It's round in the middle, thinning on top, and your hands get sticky when you touch it.
Simpson, you're shipping out tonight.
Right before Christmas? Hitler doesn't take a holiday.
Well, he does, but he doesn't tell people till the last minute, so they can't make plans.
Bastard.
MARGE: But I oh So I never want to see another Christmas tree until Mom comes back, safe and sound.
(sniffs and sobs) Sweetie, if your mother was in trouble, they'd tell us as soon as they could.
Telegram! D'oh! Marge is Mia? Oh, my God! She changed her name! No, that says she's missing in action.
(sobbing): Oh, no! See? Every time we get a tree, Mom disappears.
Why couldn't it have been me? It still could be.
You just have to go down to the recruiting station and-- Shut up.
(sniffling) (sniffling) Huh? (gasps) Oh, no! This is where they took Mom from me.
(screams) (ominous tone): I've been waiting for you.
(cheerful voice): Your mom paid for this tree last year, but never took it.
I've watered it, kept it fresh, and every time I look at this blue spruce, it reminds me of your good old mom.
Here, let me trim it for you.
And decorate it a little.
It's a sign.
Mom's okay.
Thank you.
Yeah.
My only sale all year and it's not even a sale.
Whose turn is it to cry? Yours.
(wailing, sobbing) Quit your bellyaching about Marge and let me read the paper.
HOMER (gasps): Look at that picture! (both sobbing, wailing) Oh, for cryin' out loud.
Huh? I thought you said you didn't want a tree.
Yes, but then I learned that there's always hope.
Someday this war will be over.
Someday our mom will be back.
Someday TV will be invented, and it will be free.
Then it will cost money.
But until then, this tree will stand for everything Mom believes in: home, family, and constantly sweeping up needles.
O tannenbaum, o tannenbaum ALL: Wie treu sind deine bl tter Du gr nst nicht nur Zur sommerzeit Nein auch im winter, wenn es schneit I pooped my tights.
(machine gun firing) Ah! Nein, nein, why did I go to the 9:00 show?! Das ist Hitler.
(machine gun fires) Auf Wiedersehen.
This is the last time I bring these two to bed at the same time.
I've always believed in you even when others didn't.
(snoring) Can you help save our family Christmas? Marge Simpson.
(Marge gasps) (postman yelling) Marge Simpson, I'm on my way.
Wake up, Marge.
Magical memories don't make themselves.
Martha Stewart! How did you get in here? A picket fence stood on its end makes a sturdy and attractive ladder.
Now let's make that bed.
A smattering of pinecones.
And with a little bit of work, this wedding dress can make a great dust ruffle.
B-But I was gonna-- oh Ooh! So this stuff will just shampoo out, huh? Why would you want to shampoo it out? (Bart and Milhouse laughing) Me and Milhouse had a snowball fight, then an ice-ball fight, then a fight-fight.
You boys want to play soldier? I can't think of a better way to spend Jesus's birthday.
I'm not sure I like where this is going.
Well, I'm not sure anyone asked your opinion.
(both grunting with effort) Squeeze your shoulder blades together.
Now march, and after an hour you can relax with some hand-shaved hot cocoa and a trial subscription to Martha Stewart Living.
BOTH (muffled): Yay! (hums "March of the Toy Soldiers" from The Nutcracker) And out.
Ms.
Stewart, I made a star for the tree out of discarded water bottles.
Lovely, dear, except I would have soaked the labels off with warm water.
Then I would have melted the plastic down in the double boiler and poured it into a candy mold.
And finally, I wouldn't have presented it quite so proudly.
I'll go outside and make snow angels.
Lie face down and your beautiful smile will be molded into the snow.
Okay.
(Homer snoring) Now this is a challenge.
(orchestral instrumental of "Carol of the Bells" playing) There, a slumbering hubby is now a traditional Christmas tableau.
Copyright Martha Stewart.
(Homer muttering groggily) He's starting to wake up.
A little of my Hubby's Holiday Helper will calm him right down.
(concerned sigh) Don't worry, Marge, it's a good thing.
(anxious wailing) There, there.
Shh (sighs) Martha, the house looks beautiful.
It's like Christmas with a childless gay couple.
But it's just not the same without my family being themselves.
Well, thanks for wasting my time.
I'll just wave my magic wand and turn everything back the way it was.
You have a magic wand? Yes, I made it myself.
Take an old car antenna, marinate it overnight in the tears of a heartbroken leprechaun, bake at 350 till a rainbow shoots out of the oven, and there you go.
I guess I'll never have a perfect Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Mom! We brought you breakfast in bed.
Now we just have to make it.
It's beginning to look a lot like Breakfast Everywhere you go You'll be oh so pleased When the OJ is freshly-squeezed And the toast is made from homemade-- d'oh! We're gonna go out for breakfast We'll go out to eat It'll be any place you choose, as long as it's run by Jews 'Cause they don't think this holiday's so great.
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" playing) Aloha'oe, aloha'oe (audience cheers, applauds) Hurry up, kids.
We got to get to the airport.
Did you get a good house sitter? Moe Szyslak, house sitter extraordinaire.
(audience booing) Sticks and stones may break my bones Ow! Hey, stop it! Ooh, cookies! (chewing noisily) Great at the chewing, not so hot at the swallowing.
Now, remember, pack only necessities.
(Homer laughs like Kermit the Frog) Hey, baby, it's Moe.
Calling youse from my new bachelor pad at 742 Evergreen Terrace.
Yeah, okay, sugar plum, I'll see you soon.
Hey, get this off.
Hey, get this off! (Velcro crackles) (grunts, chuckles) Now nothing stands between us and sunny Hawa BURNS: Merry Humbug, everyone.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! What's wrong, Homie? I got the week off by telling Mr.
Burns I had a neck injury.
Mr.
Burns, why'd you come to see me? Well, last night, I had a visit from three spirits.
I wish this show had a visit from three new writers.
(both laugh) Wait, what's this? Carpetbags and portmanteaus? Going somewhere, Simpson? Uh, uh Hey, guys, uh, you'll need this on your trip to Hawaii aah! Hmm, your goblin fainted.
Not a goblin.
Simpson, where's your Christmas tree? (doorbell rings) Coming! FLANDERS: Homer, give me back my tree! (both grunting) (fabric ripping, Flanders screams) Well, I won't interrupt your holiday any longer.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good-- pop superstar/fashionista Katy Perry?! (audience cheers, applauds) What are you people doing in my boyfriend Moe's bachelor pad? That's right, she's into puppets.
Just what's going on here? Fine, I'll come clean.
(gasps) It's a Christmas miraculum.
No, it's not.
I just told a lie so we could go to Hawaii.
You lied to me.
Release the hounds.
(hounds barking) (barking stops) Oh, they'll be here any minute.
We, uh, blew the budget on Katy Perry.
(groans): D'oh.
Someone totally needs a hug.
I kissed a girl and I liked it.
All is forgiven, Simpsons.
Go and enjoy "Ha-vah-ee.
" (cheering) Just as soon as we sing one Christmas carol.
Oh, man, not the lame-o "12 Days of Christmas.
" Of course not.
I want to sing the original, unabridged "39 Days Of Christmas.
" And-a one and-a two ("12 Days of Christmas" intro begins) 39 fops a-fopping 38 fishwives hawking 37 coopers cooping 36 bootblacks buffing 35 buskers busking 34 something something 33 alchemists transmuting 32 Dutchmen plotting 31 doctors leeching 30-year average lifespan.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight's Simpsons episode was brought to you by the symbol umlaut and the number e.
Not the letter e, but the number whose exponential function is the derivative of itself.
Well, it's been a long run, but I think this'll kill it.
What, The Simpsons? No, Christmas.
(both laugh) BART: We did that one already.
HOMER: Shh.
(grunting) I-I'll just kiss your belly button.
(kisses) Oh, uh, that's not my belly button.
But I didn't say stop.