The Simpsons s22e20 Episode Script

Homer Scissorhands

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) Ooh! (gunfire) (tires screeching) (horn honking, Grampa shouts) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) Oh! Mm! (whistling) (all moaning eerily) (cool jazz playing) Hey huh?! (hacking cough, hawking phlegm) Lisa, this is going too slow for me.
And I work at the DMV.
Mind if we take a nap? I'll have to make it more neo-classical and less Mannerist, but okay.
You say such cute little (snoring) I jumped in front of your picture.
Now it's ruined.
Bart, this isn't a photograph.
I'm not gonna just paint you into my-- aw! You just ruined six months' work! I'm really sorry it wasn't a year.
(cackling) Aw! You're gonna regret the day you were born.
I already do.
It's too close to Christmas.
Ugh! (gasping anxiously) (gasps) Not to worry.
Now what? Bart, I'm afraid we need the help of someone older and wiser.
(laughing) Oh, I get to enjoy this, but I'm not responsible.
Actually, Dad, as the supervising parent today, you'll get your share of the blame, too.
(shrieks) What do I do? Patty's gonna kill me.
Unless I kill her first.
I put the body in the car, I dump the car in the lake, I put a James Taylor CD in the stereo so they think it's a suicide Why don't you just cut the paint out of her hair? Oh, fine, whatever.
I'll just keep cutting till I hit something solid.
(humming tune) (humming) And now, to break the news as gently as I know how.
Wake-up-and-look-at-your-hair! (gasps) What happened to you? Whoa! Who undid my do? I didn't do diddily, and certainly not squat.
Hmm, actually, it's kind of cute.
You look like Posh Spice.
That's just what I was going for.
I was going for Scary.
You did this? With your fat fingers and your brain the size of a Superball? And stay out.
I can't believe I'm saying this Homer Simpson, do me.
I meant my hair.
Oh! Oh Idiot.
Milhouse, check it out.
I put a roadblock on the curly slide.
Isn't this the greatest day ever? (sighs heavily) There are no more great days, Bart.
Just days.
What's wrong, man? Something happened last night.
Something that really changed me.
My mom put in the Finding Nemo DVD, but then she got a phone call.
(phone ringing) So I started it myself.
Did you know it has a chapter before chapter two? A chapter where we meet Nemo's mother.
(gasps) Nemo doesn't have a mother.
Not after Chapter One, he doesn't.
If death can happen to a fish, it can happen to anyone.
You've gotta live life while you can.
So I'm gonna finally proclaim my love for Lisa.
That's your take-away from Nemo? I think you've already made your feelings for Lisa clear.
Well, I can make them more clear.
You see, in the past, I've been too subtle.
It's my curse-- subtlety! (groans) Homer, thanks to your unlicensed barbery, Patty and Selma have been getting compliments all day at the DMV.
You two look good.
Open-casket good.
(both chuckle) Well! (doorbell rings) I hear this is the home of Springfield's hottest hairdresser.
I need a haircut-- and I need it in three, two, one, now.
Lady, I'm not a hairdresser.
I just put a new lid on a couple of trashcans.
(both growling) (gasps) A hundred dollars?! Marge, how much is that in smackaroos? One hundred.
(whoops) Wow.
Wow.
Wow! Wow! Hello, airport piano bar.
And it'll look good in the morning, too.
Are you sure you don't have a salon? Well, I open a lot of crazy things when I'm drunk, but I don't think so.
Too bad.
Just call me "Homer Fingerhands.
" I'd rather call you by your normal name, if that's okay.
But I never knew you were so good with hair.
Marge, when someone loses their hair, they miss it the most.
It's like a beloved dog that died on your head.
(knocking on door) You better not be brushing your hair again.
Uh, uh, no, I'm, uh just exploring my body.
You better be.
Oh, hair.
I'll love you when you're old and gray.
Huh? Well, two can play at that game.
(grunts) Now that my soft, chestnut mane is gone, I dream of cutting hair, styling hair, making hair shorter in exchange for money.
Maybe I should open a hair salon.
Well, Newsweek magazine did say it's good to change careers, right after they laid off all their editors.
Yeah.
But what if I can't find any commercial rental property? (buzzing) I really thought people would like to harvest their own honey.
Oh, how they hated it.
Attention, lovers of love.
Let it be known by all: Lisa Simpson is the smartest, sweetest, most perfectest girl in the whole world, and I shall not rest until I am her boyfriend.
(groans) I know you like music, Lisa, so I'm gonna perform a love song I wrote for you.
Oh yeah, it's a theremin.
(to the tune of "Greensleeves"): Teacher said, don't eat the paste 'Tis apt to make you spew I ate the paste, and liked the taste Passed out and dreamed of you.
Okay-- first of all, it's never wise to use the word "spew" in a love song.
Lisa, Lisa, maid so fair With crimson dress and pointy hair Do you mind if I stop and stare Look in your mind and I'm there.
Yeesh Ew.
So, Lisa, I love you.
Is that love "requited" or "un"? I'm sorry, but I don't love you, Milhouse, and I never will.
(groans) GIRL: I thought that was beautiful.
You did? Yeah.
It was romantic and it rhymed.
Well, I used a rhyming dictionary, but it only gives you options.
The job of the poet is to say, "This one, I guess.
" (laughs) I'm Taffy.
Would you like to help me roll the theremin back to the A.
V.
closet? It's a date.
Hm! That theremin has paid for itself again and again.
All day long, Apu goes on about Lady Gaga, who is doing nothing that Rava Khatan was not doing a member of Parliament.
Oh, now, how could someone as young as you know about 20 years ago? Oh! (laughs, stammers nervously) Funny how my Timothy always uses the short-form baptism when there's a basketball game he wants to watch The worst know-it-all! I can't-- Wears the same pants for a month! I could just talk on and on! (high-pitched, rapid-fire talking) Homie, are you even listening to me? Because I have so much to tell you: The mailman did the other side of the street before our side.
Turns out it was a substitute.
(groans) I'm sorry, honey.
All day long I have to listen to women talk.
Not a good time! (school bell rings) Hey, Lise, those books aren't gonna pick themselves up.
Oh.
Usually, Milhouse does it.
Hey, guys.
Uh, Lisa, you dropped your books.
When you pick 'em up, make sure you bend your knees.
You know so much about body mechanics! Well, I've worn a lot of different braces in my time.
(sighs) This dame is really into you! She sure is.
This morning I got to second base on our walk around the softball diamond.
(Milhouse laughs) Why would a popular fifth-grader like Taffy be interested in a Milhouse like Milhouse? I dunno.
It's one of those mysteries, like how do my clothes get clean and put back in my drawers? Well, I'm gonna find out why, because this is (back cracks, Lisa groans) Knees, Lisa! Knees! (women all talking at once) HOMER: Mm-hmm.
Oh, yes, right.
Ooh, oh! Mm-hmm.
I know Kirk resents that the dog likes me more, but Rex is just establishing dominance over the weaker male.
That's what miniature dachshunds do.
(wearily): Oh, yeah.
Men are such dogs, and vice versa.
Is there anyone in here that just wants a haircut with no chitchat? No, not me.
No.
Hey, I don't want a conversation.
Oh?! I just want you to listen while I talk about the loser I'm married to.
(screaming) (wailing, sobbing) (dogs barking) (sobbing) These are really good scissors.
All day long, they tell me stupid, pointless, boring stories, and I have to stand there listening with a phony grin plastered on my face.
Uh-huh.
Well, Homer, you're safe here.
You can forget everything they said.
(gasps) When I look at you, all I see are the foibles that drive your women crazy! Foibles! Foibles! Foibles! Calm down there, Homer.
(shrieks) What got into him? The freaky ad campaign they're running.
Homer, can you make me look fan-cy? Sorry, Sarah, I'm retired.
But tonight's the Policemen's Ball! And if you let my Sarah down, I can make life very difficult for you.
I'd like to see you try.
Huh, where you goin'? Excuse me.
Uh-uh-uh! Come on! Would you? No, no.
Oh, buh! I, uh, I can also make very annoying noises.
(oscillating whine) (screeching, wailing, and warbling) Come on, bro, don't hassle me! Stop that! Okay, okay, you win.
I'll teach you how to make love to your wife! What? No! Just cut her hair! Right.
Homer, I thought you were gonna quit.
I can't.
They won't let me.
Lenny, be a pal and saw off my hands.
Why don't you do here what you do at the nuclear plant-- namely, suck? Suck! Of course! So, I told Timothy you cannot keep basing sermons on old Seinfelds.
Oh, my God.
Like Mozart and Johnny Knoxville, my genius cannot be stopped! (sobbing) Oh, there's only one way out! I'm committing Barbicide! Oh, why doesn't anything kill me? Hmm Hey, that's Taffy's page.
Ooh, I see that she's in a relationship.
Shut up.
I just want to know what she's up to with Milhouse.
A girl like her could get a fifth-grader, maybe even Kyle LoBianco! (Bart whistles appreciatively) I hear he goes to California on his vacations.
That's the first thing everyone knows about Kyle LoBianco! Taffy's up to something.
And I won't find out what it is, sitting at a computer.
It's time to get boots on the ground.
You like my boots? Once you get past the sister ick, they're fine.
(Homer moans) Oh, my poor Homie.
(moans) Marge, do you hear it? Listen! It's the hair growing! Always growing! Blonde, brunette, auburn! This ends now! I need some highlights for a bridal shower! You can start with the rinse! Shoo! (splutters) Please?! I'll even buy product! (groans) (Milhouse wheezing) Here, my love.
Thank you.
Anything for my silly Milly.
(Milhouse giggles) Who'd follow Milhouse around like that? Sneaking around after them all day has taught me a lot about this sicko.
Evening.
(Lisa gasps) (sighs) I am never gonna get my homework done tonight.
All right, sister, what's your game? We're just trying to put our relationship back together.
In the sack, he's Salisbury steak, everywhere else, creamed corn.
I am so sorry.
(chuckles nervously) Lisa? Ugh! Not her again.
Yeah, Lisa, can't you leave me alone? We're over.
You're not over, you never were! Milhouse, you're a great guy, but we're not gonna work out for one reason.
Is it 'cause when I wore cuffed pants they filled up with leaves? That wasn't a great day for us.
But it's because you'll always be in love with her.
He likes his apple pie warm and his a la mode cold.
Good luck.
You don't want me to be with you, you don't want me to be with someone else.
How miserable do I have to be before you're happy? Milhouse, I, I (groans) Lisa, does this mean you like me? Yes.
No! I don't know! It means that that life is full of unexpected things and you should never give up.
And you're cute in the moonlight.
Aah! Everything's comin' up Milhouse! Doctor and Mrs.
Julius Hibbert! Mr.
Discotheque Stuart, unaccompanied! My girlfriend isn't feeling well tonight.
Krusty the Clown and Disco Stu's girlfriend! Mr.
Homer J.
and Mrs.
Marge Bouvier Simpson! (all gasp) Her hair! Move over, Lard Lad statue, it's the eighth wonder of the Springfield world! You've outdone yourself, Homer! Oh, yes, ladies, I've outdone myself.
Outdone myself by not doing it at all! Stop talking crazy talk! I'm afraid it's all too true.
My wife has betrayed me with another hairdresser! (all gasp) Another hairdresser? Who is it? We must know! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Julio is my little secret! (gasps) I've said too much! Julio? That's right, ladies.
And I never heard a complaint I didn't sympathetically cluck to.
(clicking tongue) That's how I roll.
Okay, first five customers get a discount.
Next five hear secrets about the first five.
Come on, get in line.
(women squealing) It worked perfectly.
As if anyone but you could make me feel this beautiful.
Aw, sweetie, thanks for saving me from the horrible life Warren Beatty lived in Shampoo.
Now it's time to pay you back.
Oh ooh Homie, you're making my toes curl.
You sure know how to please a woman.
(chuckles) As long as it doesn't involve losing weight or changing my pants.
Shh!