The Simpsons s23e04 Episode Script

Replaceable You

Gas! (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (yells) Mm! (whistling) (moaning eerily) Hey! Huh? The Itchy and Scratchy Show! (Bart slurps loudly) (scary music plays) It's alive! It's alive! (screams) Friend? (screams) (laughing) Bart, you want to see something cool? Oh, did you pick that big scab off your knee? No.
Don't touch the scab! My science fair project proves that an asteroid will strike the earth on July 15, 9789.
Who cares? I'll be President of Hell by then.
Fine.
Good luck with your project, which I'm sure you haven't started yet.
I'll tell you my project.
A fisteroid hitting the planet Nerd! That's pathetic.
Aw, geez, I put a lot of time in this.
Back to the drawing board.
Hmm MILHOUSE: Hey, Bart! I really need that shot.
My dog and I accidentally touched tongues.
How is it "accidentally" when this is the fifth time? Bart, isn't that awfully similar to the cootie patch you did last year? That was preventative.
This is morning-after.
Oh, you're right.
Oh, what am I going to do? Good ideas don't grow on trees.
Hmm.
Or do they? (humming wistfully) (grunts) Good shot! Not really.
I was trying to bounce it off your left testie.
"Testis," my friend.
(sighs) Look, I need help with my science fair project.
To sweeten the deal, I'll pick you first for basketball.
Ah! To be a mathlete! Without the "M.
" (throbbing dance music plays) Fly, orb, and find thy hoop! I'm in! (panting) (bird caws) In the event of a primary core breach, you have 15 seconds to avoid a complete (yawns) (snoring) Howdy! (sputters) A woman of stature! Roz Davis, your new assistant.
Assistant? Well, I have been pretty overworked lately.
But I guess I should find out a little bit about you.
I'm just a gal from Ohio who never wants to call her daddy again and say, "I need to borrow money.
" So your dad has money to lend? (bird caws) This is where we get our coffee.
Just leave a little at the bottom, so someone else has to make the next pot.
The burning smell will let them know.
Genius.
Uh-oh.
It's old man Burns.
Hello, young man Burns! Oh, Simpson, you do know how to whip my buggy.
(chuckles) That sucker soaks up flattery like a Twinkie soaks up gravy.
Well, when it's a handsome guy like you talking (laughing): Well Your giggle's like strawberry wine.
Oh! (giggles, snorts) And your snort's like a summer breeze.
(laughing) (choking, coughing) That's not very attractive, though.
You okay? I'm fine.
Bart, I fail to see the scientific function of this "Homer Humiliator" you've devised.
Well, we gotta come up with something.
Hey, what if we make some kind of robopet? What made you think of that? (panting) (shrieks) Thy will be done, Lord Vader.
Just don't hurt me.
Oh, please! A robopet! Not a bad idea.
Bully, Bart! Bully! Where? Is it Nelson? No, Bart, it's just an expression.
Who hath summoned me? (shuddering) Everybody It's a future shock Future shock Future shock Baby seal, huh? Research shows it's impossible to gaze at a baby seal and say anything but Aw Precisely.
And at science fairs, the "aw"s get the "A"s.
Ah! Heavens to Asimov! Hmm.
(grunting) Must make sure these wires aren't crossed.
Aw (shrieks) Marge! Get my seal club! The big one! They're all pretty big.
(grunts) I'm an experiment.
(beeping faster and faster) Fine.
(beeping) (sighs) BART: Check it out! ALL: Aw So the soft fur, big eyes, and gentle motion are designed to make it one hell of a pet, with none of the poop.
This is the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
(clears throat) What a wonderful science fair.
Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, we could not afford our third place ribbon.
No in second place, Lisa Simpson's grim description of our short-sighted dependence on fossil fuels.
It's about an asteroid.
They're all the same, Gloomhilda.
First place goes to Bart Simpson and Martin Prince Yeah! (kissing) for creating a furry robotic friend who provides comfort when humans fail to.
Which they will, trust me.
I carried you in my belly for four and a half months.
When you fell out on the bus, that's when my job ended.
(Ping-Pong ball bouncing) Congratulations on getting a ribbon, Lisa! You must've baked a mighty fine pie.
It wasn't a pie.
It was science! And it's not fair.
My project was way better than Bart's, and I didn't have help from a nerd! I'm my own nerd! Oh, sweetie.
Being second ain't the worst thing that can happen.
Look at poor old Jasper over there.
(raspy sigh) (sighs) He lost his wife, his kids don't call.
Soon he'll just be bones and beard.
(muttering) (electronic barking) (barking) (laughs) (waltz music plays) Wow.
While I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, Bart's invention actually changed someone's life.
And best of all, I got funding for my Homer Humiliator.
Hmm! Ooh! Ow! Why would a Homer Humiliator do this to me? (grunts) (ringing) Yello.
Hey, Barney.
A free movie screening? Of course I can go! I just need somebody to hold down the fort.
Hmm Hm! Oh, uh, Roz? I have to step out for one hour and 43 minutes.
Could you cover for me? Go ahead.
(whoops) Oh, uh if an emergency alarm goes off, there's earplugs in the top drawer.
(grunting) Mm-mm.
(groans) (laughing loudly) Life imitates Flart.
It says that on the poster.
I thought of it first.
Marge, I just saw the greatest movie! Guess what happens when a mop is replaced with an octopus.
I'll give you a clue.
It's funny! Take off the 3-D glasses.
(screams) Simpson-- a gangly little bird told me you've been lollygagging at the Biograph.
(stammering) Someone snitched? W-W-What are you going to do to me? You're demoted.
Up, or down? Down! (shrieks) Don't tell my wife.
(children laughing) So, partner, what's next on the agenda? Oh, um Back off, man! Can't you see you're embarrassing Bart? When did you take that picture? (chuckles) Last time you slept over at my house.
I love when you're sleeping and at peace.
(groans) Hey, Skippy, we need some more of them loveable critters for our friends at the home.
(chuckles): Unless you got any heroin.
You got any heroin? Hmm? Well, then, critters it is.
I'm telling you guys, Roz told oldan Burns I ditched work early, and now I'm her assistant.
I don't know, Homer.
You're saying she's nice on the outside, but mean on the inside? No one could pull that off.
Enjoy.
And as for you, Homer, don't worry.
You're at Moe's tavern-- lady-free since '83.
What the? This is a gentleman's club! Yeah! (belches) So, what you boys drinkin'? I'm buyin'.
Can we just have the cash value of the drink? Be my guest.
I'd rather use my money to buy a Moe souvenir T-shirt.
That comes in kid sizes, too.
HOMER: Oh, no, this is terrible.
What am I gonna do? Oh Aren't you gonna come to bed, Homie? Can't, Marge.
I'm fighting for my professional life here.
Do you know what I just learned? My job is the reason I get the checks every week.
And now that I'm demoted, the checks have gotten smaller.
Not in physical size, but I know.
I know.
I represent the Eternal Valley funeral home, and I'm here to talk about an extremely unpleasant subject: people continuing to live.
If we don't have a frickin' funeral soon, people, you can say good-bye to Howard's Flowers! Calm down, Howard Jr.
Now, here is the zip, the zap and the zing.
We're gonna rewire Charlie Loveable here into the greatest threat to seniors' lives since nursing homes themselves.
Switcheroo.
(snarling) Impressive.
Hard to believe two ten-year-old kids built this.
And I heard one of them did all the work.
Wow.
It's true.
(panting) Am I early? You're late.
Since I got demoted, I have to show my I.
D.
, but the picture was taken so long ago, I put on a lot of weight, so I have to stretch out my face and say, "I used to look like this.
" Late.
You're mean.
Now, I want a list of a hundred ways to make your job worse by close of business today.
- Can one of the hundred be making the list? - No.
Can some of them be callbacks to earlier ones? Also, no.
(groans): Oh! We're live at the Springfield Retirement Castle, where long-time resident, Alice Glick, died last night, at the paws of this cuddly little killer.
Our Channel Six substitute medical expert Dr.
Nick Riviera had this to say.
The champion was cleared to fight.
Ahem, Doctor, this press conference is about a nursing home death.
The Springfield police are in the process of taking all the robots (screaming) into custody, safely returning the seniors to their hopeless, dismal lives.
(gunfire) Shut that thing off.
(machine stops) I meant the TV! Sorry.
(machine whirrs) (doorbell rings) Hi.
We need someone to reprogram our robots to break out of jail.
(stutters excitedly) A chance to reprogram robots? Well, I had a date with a beauty queen tonight, but forget it.
(keypad beeping) Uh, hello, yes, hello, Miss Wyoming? I-I'll have to climb your Grand Tetons another night.
(laughs) The breast joke! I-I served it up.
Why won't he love me?! (sobbing) "Do this, do that.
" Lousy Roz thinks she's so big.
Well, looks like it's time for another "End of the Walk Talk With Homer and Ned.
" Tonight's topic: the niceness of the evening.
Hey.
Homer, all nonsense aside, are you okalidokalaroony? (sighs) I'm having problems with my new boss Roz.
She's the most evil person to come out of Ohio since LeBron.
But at least he thought long and hard before screwing everybody over, in public, for no reason.
You know, I knew a backstabbing Buckeye named Roz at Bible camp.
Twice as tall as she should've been.
(gasps) Is this her? Come on! The apple must be wreaking havoc with the Twinkie! (gasps) It is.
But if you've got the stones, I can tell you how to slay that "Gal-ioth.
" Are you aware that "stones" means man junk? What the-- I've been using that around the boys.
(groans weakly) Whew! Thank you.
Now, it was one of our biggest celebrations, the 19th Sunday after Easter.
We'd just had a rousing no-fun run, and in the heat of the moment, I wanted to offer my respectful best wishes.
Peace be with you.
Well, sir, she went crazy.
Crazier than sleeping in on a Sunday.
I can't stand to be touched! Never tell anyone! And I haven't.
Not until now.
That's it! That's it! My nightmare is over! Oh, Flanders, you are my personal savior.
Oh, that's nice, but I don't approve of Hail Flanders! Mightier than Jesus! (groans) Yes, I, uh, I hereby call to order this meeting of the North American Man-Bot Love Association.
I'll say this one more time: we really should change that name.
Yes, all right, I'll change it to whatever you like, as long as "Man-Bot Love" is in there somewhere.
Now, let's look at these blueprints, shall we? (excited murmuring) Wish I'd thought of that.
Uh, first, we remotely adjust them so they will never be malicious again.
There, there and there.
Now, arise, little ones! (snores, mutters) Hey-Hey, what's going on here? I better call 911.
(busy signal beeping) Oh, it's always busy when I call.
(sighs) What a bunch of idiots.
Hey-- Aw, I can't stay mad at you.
Go on, get out of here.
Oh, oh, Chief? Yeah? Yeah, you, too.
(chuckles) Although this millennium is still young, I feel it is time to award this giant trophy, paid for with your health care cuts (crowd groans) to our beloved Roz.
(one person clapping slowly) What the deuce? Sarcastic clapping? Congratulations, Roz.
What are you doing here, Simpson? If there isn't dry cleaning in the back of my car, there's gonna be blood on my knuckles.
Uh, I just came to say that you're perfect.
So perfect, I think Mr.
Burns should give you a hug.
(gasps) Who told you? I won't say, but his initials are S.
F.
Stupid Flanders! (chanting): Hug, hug, hug! EMPLOYEES (chanting): Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug! (roaring) (bones cracking) You're fired.
I underestimated you.
I don't know what that middle word means.
Well, it means my perception of you is that you were kind of a goof, but now I see you're rather clever.
What is perception? It's how I view you.
You understand that? No.
I used to think you were an idiot.
Now it turns out, you're not such an idiot, in fact, you might even be smart.
Little help? (both grunting) (muffled grunting) Rub the butter around you.
(gulps) Need more butter! And not the unsalted.
Do you want to get out of there or not? Mr.
J.
, if I don't get my green card, they're gonna turn me back into a washing machine.
No dawdling.
Just move it along.
(sighs) Oy, oy! My mechanical mensch! How I missed you.
(grunts) Bless you, boys.
Now that we got 'em back, we'll never let 'em go again.
'Cause there's no stronger force than a senior citizen holding onto a freebie.
("Golden Years" by David Bowie playing) Golden years Gold (snarling) Golden years