The Simpsons s23e08 Episode Script

The Ten-Per-Cent Solution

Ay-yi-yi! (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (grunting) (panting) (humming) (fanfare plays) (groans) Show.
In these d-d-dark t-times (screams) (screaming) (screaming continues over radio) (laughter) (laughs) Can't get enough Itchy and Scratchy! And now it's time for another Itchy and Scratchy? Who's the star of this show, me or?! When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye Why is my show all cartoons?! And all the movies they're making fun of are over a year old.
It's like those parodies were written when the movies came out, but it took so long to animate them that we look dated and hacky.
Why can't we?! (groans) (light orchestral music playing) (laughter) Kids, that's enough TV.
Maggie's eye is starting to wander.
(turns off TV) - Mom, what are you doing?! - What a rip! No more TV.
Why can't we visit a real museum? One that doesn't have the skeletons of the Three Stooges in the lobby.
We have to see the Museum of TV before next Wednesday when it closes forever.
It's closing?! But where will people find clips of old TV shows if they're not housed in a giant building? Where? Where?! (chuckles) Ay, caramba! (King of the Hill theme playing) (wheels creaking) (grunting) (shouts) Hmm, they're selling off all the old TV relics.
(register dings) Whoa! The gun Sheriff Baby wore! Hmm.
(gunshot) Bart! Thank God I had this in my pocket.
(gunshot) Oh, my pants are splitting wide open.
And people will see my tattoo of Donald Duck smoking a doob! That was for Marge's eyes only.
Oh, my God! Fatso Flanagan! Who's Fatso Flanagan? Only the funniest black-and-white man ever.
Isn't that just a rip-off of The Honeymooners? Everything's a rip-off of The Honeymooners.
Margie, you're the greatest.
Oh, Ralph, Fred, Archie, King of Queens, I mean Homer.
(applause, music playing over TV) You'll see, Eunice.
I'm gonna win the Irish Sweepstakes, and then I'm buying you a mink coat.
(panting) Are you getting excited? No.
That's me not holding my breath.
(canned laughter) Just you wait, Eunice.
Just you wait.
Ka-chik, kaboom, ka-splatter! See your grave there? (laughter, applause) (laughs) They were so childless and miserable.
WOMAN: The size 48s.
That's when he was the funniest.
How would you know? I was Fatso's agent.
Annie Dubinsky.
If you ever hear a star's name and wonder, is he dead? The answer is either I represent him or yes.
Now, let me ask you something: is there a place for an old-fashioned lard-ass like me on today's television? Um, would you play a bloated corpse on CSI? Would I?! Wow, that's good bloat work! He always comes back really religious.
You're killing me here with this Catchy and Patchy.
I'm barely on my own show.
Today's kids are uncomfortable with a clown whose every reference they have to look up on Wikipedia.
Wikipedia, Twitter-- who names these things? Percy Dovetonsils? (laughs) Get it? Come on, he was on Ernie Kovacs with a smoking jacket Krusty, we want to make some changes.
What kind of changes? Krusty, um, this is never easy, but you're fired.
Oh, that was easy.
Oh, no! My contract states there's only one way you're allowed to fire me! (drumroll) Yep, everything's nice and legal! (groans) Could this be more awkward? They took my dressing room, my parking space, even my writer, so I don't have a funny third item.
But at least I got you, my agent and best friend.
(sighs) Krustila, I'm gonna drop you as a friend first, so that when I drop you as a client, you'll know it's only business.
But we shared everything! Boats, girlfriends, condos.
And when I finished, every one of them was spic and span.
Krusty, I'm gonna prove that it's over.
What? I'm on your garage door opener? It's a smartphone, you out-of-it hack.
(groans) Little help? This only shuts the door.
So, what was everyone's favorite moment at the museum? I liked the knowledgeable docents.
I liked the early closing time.
(sobbing) Krusty? Fate is so cruel.
This morning I was a star, with a top agent.
Now I'm strung out in a ball pit! (sobbing) Go away.
No kid should see his hero sunk so low.
Well, you're not exactly my hero.
I see you more as a cautionary tale.
What?! I'll show you who's a cautionary tale.
(grunting) I'll show everybody! You're not licked, Krusty.
People love a comeback.
Look at Robert Downey Jr.
, Mickey Rourke.
I don't know if I got it in me.
Well, people also love a quitter-- Sarah Palin, The Beatles Eh, it's hopeless without an agent.
You need an agent? We met a ten percenter today.
She'll get you meetings with the eye, the peacock, the alphabet web.
You'll have a skein on the sked before you can say "Krusty's wardrobe furnished by Ha-Has of Beverly Hills.
" A new agent?! I better freshen up.
(humming) Also better get back on those anti-psychotic meds.
(dog howling) Oh, this is a bad sign.
I've been to classier gas stations.
(laughs) I know that laugh! It's the laugh of the most ungrateful, credit-grabbing, other-people's-room-service- eating man that I ever met.
I will never forgive you for what you did to me.
Krusty, you know her? Ms.
Dubinsky, can you please just tell us why you hate Krusty? Come on in.
It's a long story.
(groans): Oh, now I hate him, too.
It was the mid '60s.
I was a virgin agent, looking for a first client or a fourth husband.
And then I saw him.
Scary world.
They start with the A-bomb, then skip right to the H-bomb.
These geniuses can blow up the planet, but they don't know the alphabet.
(laughter) I knew he could be big.
He just needed some savvy fingers to mold his clay into an Ali.
Herschel, you killed them tonight! (chuckles) There wasn't a dry turtleneck in the house.
But mark my words: the bohemian crowd is small potatoes.
You're gonna have to broaden your act if you want to play in Peoria.
I don't want to play in Peoria.
They're always doing construction on Highway 74.
I mean, if you want to hit it big, you got to lose this stick this on and make your comedy a touch more physical.
How do I do that? Like so.
(screaming) (laughter) (chuckles) Wow.
This is the best kind of comedy of all: cheap! Herschel, you are gonna get everything you want: money and women There's only one thing I want: ice for my ding-dong! And you.
Every night, he had them rolling in the aisles, followed by a roll in the hey-hey with me.
This is the part where I get the kids out of the room.
Oh, grow up.
Today's kids are less sensitive than an army condom.
They see more on TV than my mother did on her wedding night.
And they don't complain about it for the next 50 years.
I got big plans for us, Krusty.
This is just the beginning.
Actually, sweetheart, it's the end.
I'm leaving you for Ron Rabinowitz at United Parasites.
You waited until now to tell me that?! I can only tell the truth right after sex.
But all during sex I was thinking it.
Get out! (groans) You ungrateful pig! I made you! Deep down, I'm doing this to get back at my father.
Don't blame this on me.
Your childhood was heaven.
(groans) I was so mad at him I didn't have sex with a clown for five months.
What about mimes? Come on.
I'm not made of stone.
Annie, would you ever consider taking Krusty back as a client? No! Absolutely not! Trust with me is like a candle.
When you blow it out, it's gone for good.
What about a comedy candle? You know, that relights itself? I don't find those funny, just frustrating.
They're pretty funny.
Once, I used one on Milhouse.
He was wishing for his parents to get back together, but the flame never went out.
(blows raspberry, laughs) (chuckles) Good one, boy.
Annie, I'm down on my rebuilt knee.
Can't you forgive me? Please? For the sake of me getting what I want? (chuckles) Fine.
But no nonsense.
Except, of course, during working hours, then it's all nonsense.
So we're booked for three weeks in June at the Springfield Playhouse.
I promise you Krusty will show up on time or sober.
Yeah, that's right, I said "or.
" Let me get this straight: you want me to do my kids' show for adults? They're gonna want F-bombs and all I can give 'em is "ca-ca" and "ta-tas.
" Krusty, there is nothing people love more than the things they loved when they were kids.
So you re-create your show for adults! It worked like magic for Pee-Wee Herman after his setback.
What did he get in trouble for? (whispering) That's all?! I did that while you were on the phone! You know, I'm a little nervous about doing live theater again.
Come on.
Didn't you do your TV show in front of an audience for years? Yeah, but they were kids and we gave 'em candy if they laughed.
And if they didn't, until the '70s, I hit 'em with a stick.
Some jerk tracked down the kids and made a documentary.
It's called Circus of Shame or something.
(drum roll) And now, let's welcome a man the Spanish call "Señor No-Fun": Krusty the Clown! (cheers) Hey-hey, kids! ALL: Hey-hey, Krusty! Who here likes nostalgia? (all cheer) Everything's perfect about the past except how it led to the present.
Then welcome back the original Tick-Tock the Clock! Would that I could turn back time and never play this career-killing role.
Ooh, looks like Tick-Tock is telling us it's time for ALL: What's In Krusty's Pocket?! Mmm.
Ah! (chuckles) (cheering) I've pulled out everything but my Little Krusty.
Aw, what the heck? (audience laughs) Oh, that was great, man! I feel like I'm ten again! Everything I loved as a kid and hated as a teenager I love as an adult! No one knows better than me that it's "Here today, gone tomorrow.
" But I'm here today! Thanks to you, honey! BOTH: Mmm mwa! Uh, um, sorry This one, I think, is mine.
Yeah, I'll take that I'll, give me that one.
Well, that looks better on you, honey.
No, no, no, it screams you.
Let's just keep smooching till everything sorts itself out.
Mmm I'm done.
Krusty, you're getting the best reviews of your career! Yep! I'm back on top! And this time I'm not blowing it on cocaine for my horses.
They start well, then they get paranoid around the third turn.
And you'll have plenty to invest.
The networks have come crawling.
Which ones? Telebozo? Shtick at Nite? E.
? Better, baby.
Our premium cable network is a little different from what you're used to.
Our brand is classy and upscale.
And we pay for everything with soft porno and boxing.
Wait a minute.
There's soft porno? And here you don't have to worry about budgets, and the critics are in our pocket.
en the Boston Phoenix? If not, we'll burn it to the ground! And that will be the end of that phoenix.
All good.
I just have one non-negotiable demand: This brass begonia here is my producer now until the end of time.
Really? Yep.
And you know that anything said at a network pitch meeting can be taken to the bank.
Krusty, my man, you finally hit it big.
You said it! The Entourage actors are now my interns! I got your coffees, Mr.
! Too hot! Too cold! Genius! No, no, no! What, are you crazy?! You can't put a green wall behind a clown with green hair! Beloved entertainer sad old man! Beloved entertainer sad old man! He ain't changing, so everything else in the world has to! (hushed): Annie, it's your first day on the set.
Scream something nice.
Krusty, I am here to serve you and no one else.
"Nice" gets booked at birthday parties! Hey, birthday parties got me through some tough times.
For years I lived on piñata candy! Yeah? Well, from now on the only birthday parties you are gonna do are for the insane sons of rich Middle Eastern dictators.
Your going rate is 100 barrels of oil.
Whoa, that's Beyoncé volume.
(chimp grunts) (chatters) (laughs) Wait one hairy, banana-peeling, scene-stealing minute here! Wha? What'd I do? Whose show is this? Huh? Huh?! Whose name is on that sign?! (chatters) Yeah, that's right, little buddy boy! Krusty! Krusty! And don't you ever upstage him or craft service will be serving chimp tacos! (drooling) Yeah, I'd like to squeeze a lime on that! (chuckles) (whimpering) Now apologize to Krusty! (chatters) (hushed): Not so hard.
She'll know we have a past.
What's going on, yanking me out of my schvitz?! I look like an unwrapped mummy.
Ooh! Idea for sketch: rapping mummy.
Notorious T-U-T.
It writes itself.
Find someone to write it.
Where's Annie? Annie is what we need to discuss.
She's out of control.
She called a network vice president "unhip.
" And he reads GQ and he's straight.
And recently we had this incident.
(gasping) Wait! What are you doing?! She claimed this intern sharpened her pencil "too pointy.
" Oh, I see what's going on here: if a woman does it, she's a bitch.
But in a man, those traits would be considered Uh-oh! (gasping) (tires squeal) That hallway looks familiar.
I'm only getting college credit for this! (crash) My legs! (groans) Wow, I can't believe we're in the audience of a pay-cable show! And now, ladies and gentlemen, Krusty's favorite part of the taping: talking to the audience before the show.
Hey-how-are-ya-don't-talk-to-me -the-show's-starting.
(all muttering) And now the clown that never lets you down Krusty the Clown! Hey, hey, premium cable subscribers! (applause) Tonight we've got the cast of the hit Boardwalk Vampire! We've also got Janeane Garofolo.
Wait a minute! We have very specific language in our contract saying "No guests who are funnier than Krusty.
" Janeane has promised to be strictly angry and polemical.
And I'll keep my promise, like Obama did with Guantanamo.
(cheers, applause) Oh! That's funnier than I can ever hope to be! Sorry, Janeane.
Grab some shrimp and go.
You can fill your stupid beret once.
Burn on you! I brought my expandable beret! (audience cheers) Krusty, this is exactly the kind of meddling that only we're allowed to do.
Fire her as we discussed! Don't make us threaten you.
Krusty?! What did you tell them? Oh, I, I did that laugh that people interpret any way they want.
(laughs nervously) I thought that laugh meant "I love you.
" It can Well, there's no room for waffling anymore.
You're with me forever or never.
Which is it? What, uh, when you said (laughs nervously) I'm paying extra for this channel? Hasn't been good since The Wire.
Ah, who am I kidding? I never watched The Wire.
Had to bluff my way through so many conversations.
Well, Annie, I think you know my answer.
Wow, Krusty, adjusting for age, that was amazing! Hey, hey.
And the best thing is I kept my word and I got a new show.
Sex over 60: The Mechanics of the Impossible.
Take two! Is it over? Can I open my eyes? (chuckle) Hey, come on, wake up.
- Shh! - Oh, grow up!
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