The Simpsons s24e05 Episode Script

Penny-Wiseguys

(exclaiming) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (chuckles) Diddily diddily, diddily, diddily Asterisk, pound sign, at sign, exclamation point! Don't worry, the Holy Rollers are still up by one on the Pin Pals.
MOE: Gentlemen, prepare to meet your various makers, there.
'Cause we got one last frame by our new anchorman, Dan Gillick.
Thank God Otto had that psychotic break and quit the team.
Is this the Bridge to Terabithia? (thud) It's beautiful.
Le jours ou mon frisbee a atterrie dans votre jardin fût le jours le plus heureux de ma vie And when you threw your son after it, I enjoyed meeting him, too.
He's a good boy.
(phone rings) (groans) Sorry, guys.
Emergency meeting at work.
Oh, please, I am missing eight birthday parties for this! Just granny-throw it! Keep my ball.
Well, looks like the faithful have defeated a hedonist, a Hindu and a What are you? You know when your dog's having a bad dream? That's who I pray to.
Boys, I'm afraid the government has finally caught up with me and my appeals are exhausted.
Tomorrow, I begin serving jury duty.
That's a tough break, boss.
Don't sign petitions outside the grocery store no more! I felt bad for the guy, sitting there at his little card table.
Anyway, I must name a temporary replacement.
Your temporary don is our accountant, Dan.
(all groaning) Fat Tony, a word? How about "meringue"? That's a great word, but (whispering): I'm just a numbers guy, and the only reason I say "numbers guy" instead of "Wharton MBA" is 'cause I want to blend in.
I know what I'm doing.
We are bleeding red ink, which is the only thing we should not be bleeding.
(all exclaim and mutter) (clears throat) Hey, listen, everyone, I know a good ice-breaking exercise.
Let's all say something that we are afraid of.
For me, it's you guys.
(quiet laugh) I'm afraid I might kill this guy right now.
Ring, ring.
Is that my phone? I think it is.
Hello? Yes, sweetie, it's Daddy.
Listen, how would you feel if I just disappeared? Sad, right? Sad? Okay, you know what? I'll tell the guys.
She's crying, guys.
Cassidy is crying.
Well, I hope you feel proud of yourself.
Cassidy is a girl's name now? (dramatic orchestral music playing) I know this music.
It was a Bugs Bunny! Oh, what I wouldn't give for an anvil to fall on me.
D'oh! Shh! Here comes Lisa's solo.
(playing lively blues) This is why I'm a season subscriber.
(exhales weakly) (all gasp) Lisa! When I prayed for this concert to be over, I didn't mean like this! I did.
Where's the school nurse? Here I am.
Budget cuts.
Lisa, I suspect you fainted because you thought Justin Bieber was in the audience.
(chuckles) Well, once again, laughter is the worst medicine.
Young lady, you're not getting enough iron.
Please say it's the vegetarianism.
It's not the vegetarianism.
It's a little bit the vegetarianism.
Lisa, if you must forgo meat, I advise you to take these iron supplements.
(clanging) It's like swallowing dollhouse furniture.
(chuckles) Gentlemen, look at what we are spending every month just on olive oil.
We love our bread-dipping.
Okay, can't touch the bread-dipping.
Here's what Joey the Arsonist thinks of your spreadsheet.
Heh? (laughter) Ha-ha-ha! This is fun.
But you know what? There is a cost-cutting measure I'd like to propose: If you put a horse's head in someone's bed, don't let the rest of the animal go to waste.
For the next guy, use the horse's leg.
Or a couple of hooves.
Believe me, there is no part of a dead horse that's not gonna scare someone.
Okay, good stopping point.
Aah! Okay (grunts) Was that real? (hacks) A kid's never lonely when he has bologna.
Except me.
(bell rings) (hacks) (sobbing) You're that Simpson kid, Bart, right? Lisa.
I just see mouths.
Can't handle the iron pills? All day I have vitamin burps.
Try this-- it's what keeps me young.
Mmm, tasty.
Love the texture.
What is it? Beetle mush.
(muffled gasp) But I'm a vegetarian! So am I.
Lots of committed vegetarians eat insects.
Really? Get real.
There's bug parts in peanut butter.
And every year, the average American eats eight spiders in his sleep.
It's all here in this book.
(mouth full): This is such a big step.
Better decide soon, kid.
The union said I can't talk to a student this long.
Mmm, that is good grub.
But I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't eat meat.
And I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't sleep with John.
So, you're saying you'd rather do the prettiest dude in the world than the ugliest broad? Absolutely.
But how did we get here from discussing Aristotle's Poetics? MOE: Well, well, if it isn't Mr.
Work Comes Before Bowling.
I am turning my back because I can't stand to look you in the face.
(screams) Ooh! (screams) You.
(screams) Part of my new rice wine promotion.
So, now you think you can just waltz in here and buy everybody a beer? I didn't say that I Too late.
I already poured.
Oh, sorry, guys.
I got the kind of job that you just can't play hooky from.
Well, I have no idea what you do or who you work with, but I am sure if you put your foot down on their throats and grind until you hear a crunch, they'll sit up straight.
Really? You're sure about this? Oh, hey, listen, I learned a lot about human nature by watching things through secret cameras.
Uh-huh.
All right, then.
Okay.
We'll see about that bread-dipping.
Thank you.
Thank you for giving me an attitude.
Thank you for giving me an edge.
Or maybe it's groveling that works.
Hmm.
Eh, six of one.
FRINK: Attention, Gourmands of All Things Creepy and Crawly.
Please welcome long-time squisher, first-time eater, Lisa Simpson.
(chuckles) Delighted.
Hey, waiter, there's no fly in my soup.
Sorry.
Little more.
Little more.
Perfect.
Just-a once, why can't they go to Applebee's? Okay, fellas.
This time, why don't I do the cutting? What are you doing? I talk with that hand.
Well, you're gonna lose it if you keep charging your manicures to us.
If you don't like it, tough tortellini! And while we're at it, no more tortellini! I'm dominating you! Anyone got a problem? Huh?! Kenny the Problem? I'm good.
What's this I hear about no more tortellini? Only for Christmas and funerals.
No, please, please, I need-a the money.
She's-a pay for my-- how you say?-- English lessons.
My name-a Luigi.
I live at a-one, a-two, a-three, Main-a Street.
(humming) So, if I'm growing grasshoppers to eat, am I farmer or a rancher? There are going to be a lot of heated blogs on this topic.
MARGE: Lisa, dinnertime! (meows) (singsongy): Lisa eats bugs! Bart! This is America.
Anyone can eat what they want as long as they eat too much.
Lisa, would you like some shrimp? Hmm.
You know shrimp aren't all that removed from grasshoppers.
They're both arthropods.
Oh, you did that to help me out.
(grunts) Not sure what your motivation for that is.
Lunch break.
Make this quick.
I finally got a chair by the window.
I'm afraid the little Bulgarian lady will take it.
Bottom line, Tone, I cut expenses 12%.
As my more ruthless cousin on Wall Street would say, cut another 12.
But the only other cuts left are personnel.
There are redundancies.
Like Shotgun Pete, Shotgun Mike, Ronnie the Rifle, Shotgun the Rifle All good men, but some must go.
I agree.
I will announce the layoffs.
Welcome to the dole, boys.
(chuckles) You jedrool, in our business, you don't lay them off, you lay them out.
Right.
What? Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
(whispering): Oh, boy, you mean, kill them? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout.
Damn, she eats a quick lunch.
Got to go.
Nice breeze, huh? You have breasts like woman, but cannot give suck.
Quit saying that! Get along, little buggies.
If I may, just one question.
Why are you eating us? You don't feel any pain.
Wha?! Who told you that? Um I just assumed.
This is what you've been dipping in chocolate.
(Lisa gasps) Nooo! I'm afraid sooo! Nooo! Sooo! (gasps) Oh, thank God.
Just a dream.
(chuckles) (gasps) I've been meat-walking.
Bart, I can't eat bugs anymore.
Please, please take my grasshoppers as far away as you can and release them into the wild.
Okay, but when I grow up and I'm living on your couch, and I drink all your booze, and sell your jewelry, you got to be cool.
I'll be cool.
But I will not be sharing my mini-fridge with Homer.
He's there too? (grunting) Almost (grunts) Eh, free is free.
(whistling jaunty tune) He wants me to kill them! (shrieks) Sorry, sorry.
First of all, hi.
Hi, Dan.
Secondly, remember when you asked who I worked for and I wouldn't say (whispering): I'm a mob boss.
I'm running Fat Tony's gang while he's on jury duty.
(chuckles) Doodie.
Homer, that's not the shocking part.
Oh? He wants me to kill a bunch of guys.
I've got a gun.
Look.
(gasps) Oh, my God! You want me to help you escape? No! I want you to stop me from doing it.
You wha?! I want to do it, Homer.
It's the ultimate business model.
In my business, I try not to be seen.
I'm scary good at it.
Homer! Mmm.
Everything's led to this.
I remember, the first time I fired someone face-to-face, I cried.
I cried.
Saved the tear.
Please stop.
I just wanted my Frisbee back from your yard.
They fired me for not being tough.
I had learned that in order to succeed, you must disregard the dangerous distraction of being human.
And it brought me here.
You scratch a businessman and you get a coldblooded killer.
Well, I've been scratched! This is how I get out of doing the dishes.
Come on, buddy, why would you want to be a murderer? I don't know.
My training, this opportunity, it's like A perfect storm? I hate that expression! So overused! Okay, I don't I don't know why I said it.
I was scared.
I needed a response.
It was a perfect storm! Say something original! (nervously babbling) Uh, Greek thing, uh, grand b-banana of far-na of f-forever thing, bleeks blah-blah, a comma a com a commonality beret burrito.
Oh, it looks like a kidnapping in progress, Chief.
(groans) You always frame everything in the worst possible light.
Chief, can I ask-- why do you want to be a policeman? Adrenaline junkie.
My dad used to tie me up when the ice cream truck went by.
And now there's no amount of ice cream that will make me feel full, so this should work.
Yeah.
That's right.
Tie them tighter.
Mmm! Oh, that's good.
Oh, that burns.
Could you please not sound like you like it so much? Sorry.
I'm into a lot of weird stuff.
Now stay down here and I'll be back every hour with food.
And every six hours with food for you.
Thanks, man.
'Preciate it! Ah, look.
I have company.
Hello.
Hello to you and your friend.
It's a party.
(chittering) I'm going to call you Buggy, and I'll call you-- please don't go in my mouth.
All right, you can go in my mouth.
Just don't lay egg (gargling) ANNOUNCER: We now return to AFI Presents The 100 Greatest Movie Screams.
Number 60, from Teen Wolf Too (woman screaming) Classic.
(Dan screaming) Someone must be watching on another TV.
DAN (screaming): The bug! I really think that's coming from our house.
Will you stop saying things that'll make me have to do something? ANNOUNCER: Next, we've got three screams from Scream 3.
(three rapid screams) (Dan screaming) That was four screams.
Stupid AFI.
Boy, never go into their directors training program.
How about the Disney Minority Program? Now, how would you qualify for that? I'm the son of an oaf.
(scoffs) Have fun getting coffee for Roy Disney the Third.
Dinnertime.
(chirping) I know you're hungry.
I can hear you rubbing your legs together and Oh, my God! I never thought Homer Simpson would be a part of the Day of the Locust.
Thanks.
Now, turn around and get on your knees.
Are you gonna shoot me in the back of the head? No, I just know it takes you so long to get up I'll have plenty of time to escape.
(grunting) (sighs) I'll fix that later.
(ominous organ music playing) Your Honor, we have reached a verdict.
(gunshot) Johnny Tightlips.
Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right now.
There's a great one, but you'll never get it out of me.
On vacation, he digs wells in Darfur! Damn it! We find the defendant ALEX TREBEK: And now it's time for Final Jeopardy.
Pay attention, players.
The category is You think you're so smart, Alex Trebek.
I remember when you were Alphonse Trebagoogoo.
HOMER: Stop! Make me! (Bart grunts) Come on! You said we were gonna see somebody get shot.
not guilty.
I'll have your money in an hour.
(ominous organ music playing) Dan! How do you keep finding me? You really should tweet less.
But everyone deserves to know what I'm thinking all the time.
Just listen, if you kill those guys, you'll be as bad as they are.
I don't think so.
They've killed a lot of people, and they tell their wives they're working, but they're really just hanging out.
Look, just give me the gun before you hurt somebody.
Give it to me.
Oh, I can't kill you.
I knew you were weak.
If you think I'm so weak, give me back the gun.
You are weak, but no.
Let's see how weak I am with the gun.
No, I don't want to.
Give me the gun.
I don't want to see it.
You're making my mad and I want to shoot you now.
I don't have to see it.
Huh?! Give it to me! I can imagine it.
Give me the gun.
No.
Come on, weakling, get it from me.
I'm not You want I'm not weak with the gun.
Yeah, well, yeah, but see who's got it now.
When I have a gun, I'm not weak at all.
Yeah, well, you ain't so (glass breaks) (grunts) Clean-up on aisle me.
(groans) Okay, Mom, I think that's far enough.
Finally, a place where you can spread your wings and hop.
(chirping) We're free! No, no, I'm still gonna figure this out.
There was a corner here.
David Damn it, Judy, let me have this! So, Tone, you're sure you didn't order those fiduciary- related whacks? The important thing is we have severely cut costs by reducing the number of our guns to one.
And I have it.
Any further questions? Can I have the gun? No.
What happened to our friend Mr.
Gillick? I don't know.
But once your finger has felt the itch of a trigger, there is no relief till said trigger has been squeezed.
Sometimes late in life you find your calling.
The heft of the gun, the trigger in your hand Can you hurry this up, please? My daughter's got cheerleading practice.
Oh, I-I can go fast.
Ba-da boom! Could you please not do that? Is there some kind of problem here? And if not, can you do my belly button? Need some place to hang my badge at the sauna.
(scoffs) Shh!