The Simpsons s24e07 Episode Script

The Day the Earth Stood Cool

(Bart laughing) (children cry out in pain) (children groaning) Bart, stop it! You might fall.
Oh, he's such a cute little rascal.
(thinking) Oh, my God, is she flirting with me? I can see where he gets his good looks.
She is flirting with me! Okay, Homer, let her down easy.
Don't go breaking any hearts.
What a lucky little boy to get a trip to the park with his grandpa.
Grandpa?! Grandpa?! (panting loudly) Oh, my God! Should I call an ambulance? Help! An old man is dying! Oh! This boy's grandfather is a shriveled-up corncob begging for death! I am his father! I can't believe I allowed you to hit on me! (quacking) Beat it, ducks! I'm not old enough to have food for you! I'm sexy! Young and sexy! (ducks quacking) (bird caws) Old man.
I'm not an old man.
This drawing doesn't think I'm old.
Don't you, drawing? (gasps) Those aren't our regular donuts.
They're huge! With crazy toppings! HOMER: Gummy worms! Churro chunks! Russian nesting donut! I got to eat the rest! (yelps) They're gone! Where did these Devil Donuts come from? I don't know.
The guy who gives the sexual harassment seminars brought them in.
Actually, Carl, there's no workplace-appropriate use for the word "bazooms.
" What about "thunderbags"? Get lost, pervs! Okay, where did you get these donuts?! From a guy with a cart.
It could be anywhere! CHIEF WIGGUM: I'm calling to report a missing donut cart.
(siren wailing) I'm not seeing anything.
Can you get any lower? But, Chief, the power lines! (whiny): "But, Chief, the power lines.
" Go lower! HOMER: Nope.
Nope.
Nothing.
Nope.
I see devil horns pitchfork pointed tail, hooves are cloven! We have logo, people! We have logo! Sorry, gents, we're fresh out.
I only make one batch a day.
When they're gone, I'm done.
Oh, no more donuts?! Make more or I shoot! (panting): I'm not bluffing.
Come on.
Hmm.
What have I become? It's not a good feeling when you're saying, "what have I become?" more than once a day.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Tell you what, I could give you a sneak preview of a new donut that's still in the R&D phase.
Oh.
Beer keg donut?! (slurps) I would be honored to shake the hand that glazed this.
I'm Terence.
(softly): Tell me everything about you.
You're from Portland? I've heard of people being from there.
No, I haven't.
Yeah, but Portland just got too played out.
The city used to be real.
Do you know there are now restaurants there with two locations? (chuckles) Not near my kids.
Wait a minute.
You have kids? You can't have kids.
Look at you.
You have a fun job, a skull ring-- and it's not Halloween-- and your belt is a seat belt! No one would ever think you're a lame old man.
Ah, you can't let being a dad slow you down.
Me and the fam are doing the whole "urban nomad" thing.
You know, just looking for an undiscovered city with affordable houses.
(gasps) Our houses are the cheapest! The one next to me's been on sale forever! I see them lowering the price every morning when I go out to pee.
Please.
Please rush into this.
Please rush into this.
What a find! Underneath all the ugly renovations this house has Neutra bones.
In my house, we found human bones.
Emily and I have always dreamed of restoring an architectural masterpiece.
I have a graduate degree in Mid-Century Kitsch.
Thanks for turning us on to this place, Homer.
You're a pretty cool guy.
Really? I'm (gasps) cool?! Oh, can I man-hug you? Sure.
(grunts) I don't know how! Okay, our first hangout with the cool new neighbors.
I've already blown them away-- their words, I assume-- so don't screw it up! Oh, relax, kids.
Just be yourselves.
Oh, great, Marge, now that's in their heads! Hey, this is my armadillo, Chewy.
Uh, Mexico Chewy, not Star Wars Chewie.
Star Wars Chewie is just a man in a costume, so he's not scary.
And this is our baby, Corduroy, (squeals) and our son, T-Rex.
Yeah, neighbors.
Heh, I get it.
T-Rex? Even their names are cool.
Uh, this is, um Ice Cream, Bungee Jump, and Viral Video.
(growls) Wow! Whoa! BART: Cool.
Look at these obscure card games! Hey, do you have Uno? I did, when I was uno.
Check out all these Sergeant Activity dolls! No, that's Combat Jack, the original British doll that Sergeant Activity ripped off.
Fine.
You have a weird old version of something.
Let's just watch TV.
Uh, TV? We don't own a TV.
I didn't know that was an option.
I think I'm done here.
Lisa, go nuts.
My dad only lets me watch what's on his queue.
If I don't get off the Cloud Palace, I'll never get home for school tomorrow, but the Toad Spirit has Aunt Ginzee! (gasps) (humming nervously) "Scientists prove cat heaven real, human heaven not!" (gasps) That's so sad! Those are joke headlines.
It's not a real newspaper, it's just satire.
Oh satire! And these fake movie reviews are so mean, it's hilarious! (laughs) Oh, those are real.
Great paper.
Maggie's a little hungry.
Oh, you can go ahead and feed her.
Corduroy could probably use a snack.
(suckling) Hmm, that's not applesauce.
Oh, uh, you don't have to be uncomfortable around another nursing mom.
Breast-feeding's just a healthy thing we all do.
It sure is! There's nothing more natural than that.
It's just that Maggie's already milked me today.
(nervous laugh) Homer, I think we should go.
We're not like these people.
(gasps) Check out my new look.
Terence shaved my head.
You're all bald! No, I'm young-person cool bald! Not old-person sad bald.
I never want to see these again! (groans) Check it out, Flanders! Us cool dads are sharing a mono-yard! Guess I can't be your best friend anymore.
(chuckles) To be honest, that comes as a tremendous relief.
Boo-hoo-hoo! You could cry all night, it's not gonna win me back! (gate creaks) (gasps) I can finally compost! (Lisa humming happily) Maybe we shouldn't rush things with the new neighbors.
You know, we might not all be a perfect match.
I have a plan to deal with that.
Step one: Change everything about ourselves until we are super-cool.
The end.
But I always thought you were cool.
Honey, I'm not cool.
I was never cool.
I didn't go to college.
Every CD I have, I bought at a car wash.
Black-and-white films make me angry.
I can't pronounce "artisanal.
" I only know David Cross from the Chipmunks movie.
Not only do I like Van Halen, but I think they keep getting better.
Oh But if me and my kids do the same stuff as Terence and his kids, I could be a cool dad.
Well, sweetie, if it's that important to you, I guess we can try.
Thanks, baby.
Here, have a bracelet made of a '70s educational film strip.
Ooh, hygiene! Yeah, it's a real cool club And you're not part of it Yeah, it's a real cool club And you'll never be a part of it.
MARGE: Your father took you to a Korean gangster film festival? Yeah, it was great! This one guy was part of another guy's gang-- I mean, kkangpae-- but then he quit and joined another kkangpae, and when the guys in the first kkangpae found out, they were so mad they put his feet in a blender! Then they cut to a guy eating noodles, and blood splashed on him! At the art walk, we walked into a gallery, and it was just a guy crying.
That was the art! (growls) The kids are a mess! You brought them home exhausted and pretentious! No, we need to take kids to grown-up stuff.
That's Terence's parenting style.
Parenting shouldn't have a style! Parenting is about bedtimes, and passwords on computers, and complicated punishments you never follow through on! Are you wearing a wallet chain? You look like a barista! Well, you won't be laughing when you see how many pickpockets this thing catches.
And what's with the scarf? It's soaked in neck sweat! Wearing scarves in non-scarf weather is the essence of cool.
The essence! Ooh.
Aw, man, my goatee has barely come in! Why does my hair only grow in twos? Oh, I hope T-Rex likes the present I made him.
Made? Why didn't you just buy him a toy? (sighs) Homemade presents are how cool families demonstrate how awesome they are.
If I show up with a toy from the store like we would give our kids then I've failed! And these skinny jeans will have flattened my junk for nothing! (rock playing) Geez, is this a kid's birthday party, or the place a bad guy kidnaps you to in a movie? Yeah, this factory used to make blimp tires.
T-Rex loves decaying industrial-scapes.
I used to.
Now I'm into abandoned ethnic union halls.
Come on, dude, this party rocks! Love the temporary- tattoo station! (chuckles): Uh, temporary? I want kitty whiskers! You got it.
There's got to be a bounce house around here somewhere.
At least maybe a pinata? (loud suckling) Holy areola! Please, join our milk circle.
I'd love to, but Maggie's a little shy.
Oh, don't worry-- you can use a nursing apron.
Play along.
Oh, this couldn't feel more natural.
Glug, glug, glug.
That's a good little mammal.
(all gasp) A bottle?! Plastic! Formula! That is so wrong.
Fine, I admit it, you nipple Nazis.
I give my baby formula.
(all gasping) It's okay.
If you don't want to breast-feed your baby, we will.
Stay back.
(woman gasp) You know I'll use this.
Because you saw me using it.
(women whimpering) Huh, 1950s Pontiac Accordion Camera.
I could always use another one of these.
Bowling shoes.
Not vintage, but you know, in a pinch.
"Dino-Cool" Oh, I get it-- a T-Rex for the T-Rex.
How long did it take him to think of that one? (boys laughing) Oh, man.
Hey, my dad worked really hard to make that.
He took a class to learn denim painting.
(sighs) This is so pathetic.
I can't even wear it ironically ironically.
This guy's going on my "Poser Tumblr.
" (grunting to music) (boys laughing) No one bad mouths my dad except me.
(both grunting) Hey, dude! My vinyl.
My vinyl! (boys grunting, Marge gasping) Your son attacked mine.
You've turned this former slaughterhouse into a place of violence.
I thought it made blimp tires.
Yeah, like factories are never repurposed.
(yells) It's time for you guys to leave.
Are we still on for midnight bike riding? (whimpers) (bell rings) Feeling included is life's greatest joy.
HOMER: Oh (laughing): Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh-ho-ho, boy.
Oh-ho-ho, boy, oh, boy.
Have you been "oh boy"-ing all night? Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, boy.
We had the family version of a bro-mance going with our awesome neighbors and you had to screw it up.
Look, that kid threw your present in the garbage, and he called you a poser, and everyone laughed.
He called me a poser? Yeah, I was sticking up for you.
You? Sticking up for your old man? You've never done that before.
Also, I didn't want to tell you, but that wife and her gang looked down on me because I don't breast-feed.
What? No one judges my wife's thunderbags.
Well, maybe I was wrong about these people.
Whoever thought a cool person could be a jerk? (grunts) They can "goatee" hell.
Humph.
Yeah, that's right.
The friendship between the Simpsons and the whatever-your- last-name-is-es-es is over.
I want my moustache stencils back.
Fine.
Keep 'em.
But you have to give back Lisa? (laughs, sighs) Mm-hmm.
FLANDERS: I just thought if we got together we could change the channel from "The Feud Network" to "Comity Central.
" Could we at least agree to both hate Flanders? I like him-- he talks in rhyme and owns a whimsical store in a failing mall.
He's like the dad in a Wes Anderson movie.
Shut up with your names! Well, we were just questioning the parenting that lead to Bart not using his words with Tyrannosaurus.
Parenting? (huffs) Let me tell you "cool parents" something.
Parents are supposed to be lame so their kids have something to rebel against by becoming cool just long enough to get married and have kids for whom they are lame.
It's nature's way.
When you're old, your tattoos will be saggy and illegible.
Well, at least I don't put a corporate chemical cocktail into my child's body.
See? See what I'm dealing with here, Ned? We invited them here and they repay us with insults and judgments.
Yes, but there's two sides to every Even Flanders agrees.
This is our neighborhood, we were here first so you should leave.
We're not going anywhere.
Our house just got written up in Dwell.
HOMER: Oh, no, it's true.
When I humble-brag about this article, this towns about to get as popular as toe sneakers.
The "us"-types are coming.
Oh.
NELSON: Butts! Class, say hello to your new music teachers, The Decemberists.
(children clapping) Now, who wants to learn a song about press-gangs and infanticide? (children cheering) Stupid town.
At least I still got Moe's.
Although probably not seeing where this is going.
(tires screech) (gasps) What happened here? I don't know-- everything crappy about this place, they like.
Even the rats.
More manchego, Aziz? (tires screech) Oh, Marge, it's bad.
The cool people are everywhere.
Somehow they've even made the weather rainier.
I brought these people to Springfield and now they've taken over.
(bicycle bell ringing) It's a hellhole.
(robot voice): Disco Stu has found a new thing.
What happened to our town? Everybody wears clothes from the past and uses computers from the future.
(phone beeps) Where can I buy spats? Apu's House of Spats.
(tapping) Hey, better not attack me again.
My mom gave me a salvaged police whistle.
We had to replace the ball but everything else is stock.
Ah, relax, I'm over it.
Why aren't you at the block party? (scoffs) Block parties are lame.
Why do you think everything's lame? I don't know.
I don't get a lot of sleep.
I was out really late at an all-ages burlesque show.
Sorry I was mean to your dad.
That's okay-- he is pretty lame.
Hey, want to watch TV? Real TV? With commercials? Terrible commercials.
But I'm supposed to turn the compost.
Screw that-- it's Krusty time.
Okay, you win.
We don't have to be friends, but can we live on the fringes of your world? Like those eels that eat whale poop? (sucks air) Yeah Um, we'll talk about it.
That's how we say no.
(sniffing) What's that smell? Unturned compost and (sniffing) Cuban movie posters! That's our house! If the flames reach my donut oil, the whole neighborhood will go up.
(grunts) Hmm? Huh? Damn it.
The community garden's using all the water pressure! You just had to have local radishes.
Not now, Emily.
Stop your trendy arguing.
I'm trying to call the fire department.
Sorry, our old-timey fire bell spooked the horses and they ran away.
You're organic, all-natural lifestyle has doomed us all! Then to save us, we need something incredibly unnatural! will put out that blaze.
HOMER: Eh yoik.
Yoik.
Yoik.
Double yoik.
The net of scarves and wallet chains is holding! They're necessary.
They're necessary! They're finally necessary! (loud cheers) I'm sorry we judged you, Marge.
Your formula saved us all.
I guess I do feel a little bad about not breast- feeding my kids.
Except Lisa.
I brest-fed Lisa for nine months.
(knocking) I did it, I did it, I man-hugged! Daddy, Daddy, I want to go to Krustyburger with Bart and get a Laffy Meal! 'Cause each Laffy Meal comes with a different toy! And I got to collect 'em all! (slurping, smacking) Check it out! The New York Times travel section just named Springfield "America's Coolest City.
" See? (all gasp) That means Springfield is played out.
(horse neighs) Please! Please take me with you! I am one of you! I understood all your references! No matter where you go, I will find you! Nuclear energy was a craft before it was a science.
(chuckles): I mean, what's wrong with the old ways? When uranium came from a stream, and atoms were split by hand, then transformed into the kind of electricity that illuminated not just our homes but our souls as well.
Who decided that the electrons we produce can't stand for something greater? Sure, handmade electricity costs more and powers less, but maybe that's the point.
(electrical buzz) The adventure begins.
Shh.