The Simpsons s24e15 Episode Script

Black-eyed, Please

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (gunfire) (tires screeching) (horn honking, Grampa shouts) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (bluesy jazz music playing) (sirens wailing in distance) (sign buzzing) (clicking) Hmm? (clicking) (scratching) (footsteps approaching) You little! (gun cocks) (saxophone playing the blues) (gasps) (playing the blues) (shotgun cocks) (all growling) (sighs) Mm? (ice clattering) Hmm? Mmm.
(all gasp) (kids chattering) Everybody out.
Everybody in.
Bathroom break! I spilled my pills! Music today has no melody! (tires screech) Everybody out! Children, you can stop writing letters of support to our troops; that was just busywork.
Now, I want to explain Miss Hoover's absence.
She is suffering from severe depression.
(kids murmuring) Not to worry, she has been treated with heavy doses of Lorazepam and other drugs from the Benzodiazepine family.
Now, until Miss Hoover returns, this class will be getting a permanent substitute.
(excited chattering) Please let it be someone smart, motivated, and who won't just teach us corporate-sponsored lessons.
Lisa, without corporate sponsorship, we wouldn't be able to teach you the three R's: reading, refreshment and Raspberry Buzz Lite.
Get your razz on! (tires screech outside, kids murmuring) Confident, Vassar sticker on the windshield.
(gasps) Could it be? Do I detect enthusiasm? She's brought her own orrery! And it's got no Pluto! How cutting edge.
Please be her, please be her.
Is this Ms.
Hoover's class? (quietly): Score! Meet your new teacher, Ms.
Do not call her by the obvious dirty nickname.
Now I must meet with the new art teacher, Mr.
(snickering) Lisa Simpson.
As second grade student-faculty liaison, I'd like to welcome you Get back in your seat.
If I have any apples that need polishing, I'll let you know.
I understand there are homework assignments.
Well done, Ralpa.
If I can't remember the right letter, I just put an "A.
" Well, here's another one.
Well, while you're grading so generously, here's mine.
" As in, "because I say so.
" (gasps) (Lisa groaning) Nothing brings them around like old cafeteria meatballs.
Meat?! (Lisa groaning) I thought you might be cold, honey, so I put this chinchilla coat on you.
Fur?! (gasps) (chuckles) It's not really chinchilla.
I just thought she needed more sleep.
(doorbell rings) Hey, Flanders.
Can I borrow some sugar? Sure.
Uh, a little cream? Goes with the sugar.
Now if you could make with some bacon and eggs, I'll be on my way.
(sighs) Why don't you come on in and have breakfast with us? Are your kids gonna be there? Eh, for a little bit.
(sighs) Okay.
Homer, you know my parents, Capri and Nedward.
Hey, hey, Homer J.
How many beers did you kill today? (laughing) Dad, don't encourage him! Son, you are the Mayor of Dullsville.
Now, you know we don't discuss politics at the table.
Hello, police? I'd like to report a buzz-kill in progress.
There's no emergency here.
And please charge us for the false report.
I'm going out for a power walk.
Whoa, this room just got a whole lot cooler.
(laughter) (laughs): Oh, man.
(both sigh) Okay, children, ten minutes of free play.
(kids chattering) I'm a fun factory.
Lisa, free play.
But I am playing.
I'm hop-scotching from paragraph to paragraph, climbing the monkey bars of plot and theme.
Ugh, bull-pie.
You're trying to get ahead of the other children.
That's it, you're losing joeys.
Please keep them together.
If not for me, for the mother.
(gasps) Is it possible I've met a teacher who doesn't like me? The joeys go in feet first.
(chuckles) (gasps) Chauncey! (panting) Six miles, and I'm all smiles.
Funyuns? Little Debbies? (sitar playing) That's cross-legged music.
(laughter) Look at the size of that bird.
I'd go Henry VIII on those drumsticks.
Homer, I can't believe you're partaking with my parents.
Yeah, it's medicinal.
We had a pain in our neck.
(laughter) (laughter continues) (grunts) I didn't know you were left-handed.
(groans) Homer, you'll need to wear this eye patch for a couple weeks.
And, uh, you may never see a film in 3-D again.
(laughs) But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.
Ned Flanders.
I can't believe you struck my husband.
Marge, I've been racked with guilt and pain.
My mustache fell out; this is a clip-on.
Sorry, Homer.
Now, do you mind if I pray at your bedside? No, I don't.
If you pray to Superman.
(chuckles) Not praying to a character in a comic book.
What about Christian Archie comics? Neither canonical nor comical.
Here, I'll get you started.
Hail Superman, wearing tights, Clark Kent be thy name, one nation, under Zod Not praying to Superman.
Ned, Homie's a little cranky right now.
More than his eye, I think you hurt his feelings.
Give him one of your famous murmurs, Marge.
My what? Your famous murmur.
You know.
(murmurs) I never made that noise in my life! (murmurs) Thanks, Flanders.
Punch my eye, destroy my marriage.
Now just pull the plug and let me die! That's the plug for the light.
(imitating flatline) (sighs) (yawns) Neddy, I know you feel guilty about coldcocking Homer.
Please don't use that word in bed.
(groans) You need to get some sleep.
(sighs) Dare I take another sleep aid? (sighs) Better not take a full dose.
See you in eight hours.
(snoring) (groaning) (gasping) (screams) (gate creaks) Was this always waiting for me, or was it recently thrown together? That's what I want to know.
MALE VOICES: Hey-diddly hell-diddly Welcome neighborino Hey-diddly hell-diddly Welcome neighborino Down here, we worship famous atheist Richard Dawkins, author of The God Delusion! (laughs maniacally) I'm making Catholic saint stew.
(gasping) (gasps) No, not Surf 'n Murph.
(screams) The answer to my woe must be in here.
Whoo Let's get it on Nope, not that.
Not to my taste.
Flag that for later.
I know what I must do.
(school bell ringing) (sighs) Ms.
Cantwell? Yes? Why are you so mean to me? You really want to know? More than I want unicorns to be real.
Well, if you guess, I'll give you extra credit.
I remind you of you? Now you've got a demerit.
This class doesn't give demerits.
Now it does, and you just got another one.
What if I homeschool? You're bluffing; I've driven by your home.
(gasps) Principal Skinner Not now.
I'm dealing with Mr.
Look, kids can be cruel, Dick.
NELSON: Ha-ha! (singsong): We don't know when we've gone too far! (growls) "Ann, Mark, Bill and Sally are on the Ferris wheel.
"Ann is behind Sally.
Mark is in front of Bill.
" (gasps) Look who's on the Ferris wheel.
Your precious joeys! (laughs maniacally) (panting) Better switch to social studies.
"Eleanor Roosevelt became Franklin's eyes and ears and" (gasps) Here's the new deal: you fail! (cackling) (groans) (grunts) Oh! I wish you wouldn't wear sweaters that the senior ladies knit.
Well, putting my arms in sleeves is about all I got to offer a woman.
(groans): Oh.
What's the matter, sweetie? Is a book character having difficulties? I have a bully at school.
Did you tell the teacher? My bully is my teacher.
A teacher can't be a bully.
Oh, they sure can! When I was a boy, teachers would rap my knuckles with a yardstick.
Now you've got the metric system.
We don't have the metric system.
What? This isn't Sweden? And I'm not King Olaf? Oh, I got some explaining to do down at the bank.
CHALMERS: Skinner! Why am I here? Did this fat boy injure his eye in shop class? That place is a killing field.
We're here because our daughter is being bullied by your teacher.
Simpson, this school does not hire bullies.
That's right.
We Quiet, nerd! Well, she's just a substitute.
Maybe you could transfer Ms.
Cantwell to another school.
She's already got two weeks tenure, so she's impossible to dislodge.
I hate unions.
There's this guy at my plant, caused three meltdowns, and he still keeps his job.
Homer, that's you.
Oh, yeah.
(chanting): I say, "Union," you say, "Power"! Union! Power.
Union! Power.
(quietly): Marge, you're really dogging it on the "power.
" But don't worry.
Because of the union, you're safe.
So, just what are you gonna do for our daughter? We should talk about what we're going to promise to do, not what we'll actually do.
We really appreciate that.
(murmurs) (bird squawks) Look at those eyes.
There's an employee with a healthy case of the go-get-'ems.
(snoring) Hear that lion's roar of determination.
Homer, Homer, I found the answer! Wha? Huh? Flanders.
How did you get in here? This place is a highly-sensitive area.
Who here wants to touch radiation? "Life shall go for life, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.
" Hey, I don't go to where you work and read the Bible to you.
I would embrace such a glad visit.
Just what do you want? I want you to punch me in the eye.
If you do, then we're even, according to Exodus, Leviticus and Matthew.
You went and hired a law firm, eh? That's pretty aggressive.
(sighs) Jeepers creepers, pop my peeper! Come on, man.
What's the catch? Homer, just call me a little bubble, 'cause I'm on the level.
Punch me.
Come on, Homer.
I'm insisting on a fisting.
What's this about a fisting? I'm not punching you, Flanders.
What? Why? Because if I hit you back, we'll be even.
But if I don't hit you, that makes me the better man.
And I'm liking the way that feels.
No, you can't.
If I'm not as good as you, then I'm horrible! It's not for me to judge, Ned, because I am the better man! Now, there's no need to Better man, coming through! Way better-better-better! Way better-better-better! Zing! Enough.
You may be the sweater man, but Homer is the better man.
Now you're rhyming?! Oh! I didn't know you were left-handed.
Hello, Lisa.
I was shocked to hear from Principal Skinner that you and I aren't getting along.
You should never tell on a bully, Lisa.
Everyone knows that.
Lisa Simpson?! In detention? Every rap sheet has a first line.
What are you in for, murdering Chopin? (laughter) Chopin.
Can I ask you guys something? Why does someone become a bully? Neglect.
I'm a Cubs fan.
But why would my teacher be a bully? What? Huh? I don't know.
Your bully's a teacher? That means all of us can be teachers.
Boo-yah! I'm gonna buy me a Hyundai Elantra! Oh, cool! Whoa! (sighs): Oh.
Do not cross.
It is that monster that terrorizes the jolly fat man! Come on, people.
You're safe as Sunday with me.
I wouldn't hurt a fly.
(coughing, gagging) I saw the whole thing! That innocent fly flew from that fresh pile of dog feces right into that monster's mouth! (spits) Fear not, people.
I will lead you safely across.
(horn honking) MAN: Idiot! (high-pitched voice): Help me, Flanders.
(sighs) Never get into Heaven.
Took harp lessons for nothing.
ANNOUNCER (over TV): And here comes the tarp.
The word "tarp," of course, is short for "tarpaulin," which Wikipedia defines as a strong, resilient, water-resistant material.
That definition is a hit with no errors! What's wrong, sweetie? My teacher's still bullying me.
Even after we came to school? (sniffles) That just made it worse.
Oh, every time I try to fix things, it just makes things worse.
But I'm gonna fix this.
I think I have an idea.
Now there's a baby duck paddling around on the tarp.
You think they move those legs one at a time or both at once? ANNOUNCER 2: Oh, I'd go with one at a time, Vic.
ANNOUNCER: You know, the great Mel Ott used to raise ducks in Louisiana during the off-season.
And when a duck got sick, he would take it to bed with him till it got well.
(doorbell rings) Flanders, I've come to forgive you.
Oh, my prayers have been answered! Well, actually, just this one.
Uh, there is one condition.
You want to hit me.
Well, sir, here's a roll of quarters to put in your fist for extra punching power.
Now, you can shatter my orbital bone.
That'll knock the wax off my candle.
Don't want to hit you.
I want your wife.
(gasps) To elaborate, I want your wife, the teacher, to help get rid of Lisa's substitute.
Edna? You know how you said you could help me with any desire, and nothing was forbidden? Well, sir, I want you to rid of Lisa's bully teacher.
Well, there's only one way: the nuclear option.
How much plutonium do you want? Got to warn you, it might take me Ms.
Cantwell? Yes? I have a new student for your class.
(demonic voices singing) Yo.
Yes, this is a very rare mid-year two-grade send-back.
Something's fishy.
Are you dating this boy? Right.
I can't be around him 'cause he's so delicious.
(laughs) Well, I can't see what harm one kid could do.
When I come out of this, I'll be a butterfly.
(lawnmower whirring) I just went to the bathroom for two minutes.
I know.
Posted a video online.
Stupid Lisa, stupid Lisa, stupid Lisa.
Okay, you've won.
You've driven me out of this plum substitute teaching job.
Cantwell, I can make this stop.
All you have to do is like me.
I I can't.
Wait, wait.
There's no need to leave.
You showed up before the students; that's all we asked.
You two are the worst-dressed gay men I've ever met.
(tires screeching) Ms.
Cantwell, wait! I've got to know before you leave.
Why don't you like me? Lisa, sometimes you just don't like a person.
There's no logical explanation.
It just is.
That is so unsatisfying.
(sighs) Here we go.
If you don't get what you want, you get all pouty.
All you pretty girls are the same.
You think I'm pretty? Right, like you don't get told that every day of your life, with your perfect blonde hair, that Kewpie doll voice that drives the boys crazy.
And what eight-year-old wears pearls? Bookworms like me can't stand party girls like you.
She hates me because I'm pretty! (whoops) Not so pretty now, are you? Can you sign my yearbook? I'm glad the only beef between us is this burger.
Mm, they sure are getting along.
(laughs) They don't know it, but I slipped a little (whistles) into the brownies I gave them.
How long has it been since we prayed together, neighbor? This is praying? Let me out of here! (whimpering) (whimpering) Help me, God.
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