The Simpsons s25e09 Episode Script

Steal This Episode

(crow squawks) Oh, boy.
Monday morning chit-chat at the water cooler.
The only reason to have done stuff over the weekend.
The only part of the movie I didn't get is: now Radioactive Man gets his powers from his suit? The suit is slowly killing him, but if he doesn't wear it, he'll die.
Oh Wait, you guys saw the new Radioactive Man sequel? Uh, it's not a sequel, it's a reboot.
Actually, this one undoes the stuff from the last one, so it's a de-boot.
Stop talking! I haven't seen it yet! Radioactive Man Re-Rises came out three days ago.
It is fair game.
Yeah, if you haven't seen it, then you gotta leave the water cooler.
But what if I want some cooled water? You should have thought of that when you were not seeing the movie.
Fine.
I'll drink alone.
(grunts) It was so awesome when Radioactive Man had to erase his own memory.
Yeah, so he wouldn't be tortured by his past when he was born in the future.
Oh, they're talking about the movie! Hurry up, you idiot! No, no, don't stop! I'm sorry I got mad.
I'll do that thing you like.
I got Radioactive Man's new villain the Collider.
I turn out to be a good guy.
I die, but come back to life after the credits.
Oh! Sometimes we feel there's nowhere left to turn, much like Radioactive Man, when he had to kill his own antimatter twin with a blast of time particles from the Chrono-cube - Amazing grace How loud I sing and in doing so, mortally wounding To drown the spoilers out! his girlfriend, who was pregnant with his own Shut up, shut up, shut (yells) And stay out! HOMER: Okay.
I gotta go see the Radioactive Man movie before it gets totally ruined for me.
Ooh, date night! I'll go change my bra.
I want to see Radioactive Man Re-Rises.
If Bart's going, I'm going! If Grampa's going, I'm going! If you all go, then I have to pay for a babysitter.
We'll call that nice girl who's getting her Masters in Child Development.
Emily-Beth? We can't afford Emily-Beth! She brings her own puppets! (cooing) Bye-bye, Maggie! Bye-bye, money.
Two adults, two kids, and one senior with the mind of a baby so he should be free.
For the 3-D show, that'll be $72.
What?! Or, for ten dollars more, you can see it in IMAX Hobbit Frame Rate Virtual Reality Vision.
(moviegoers shuddering) (vomits) All right, movie, you better be worth it.
(dramatic music plays) (engines revving) (dancers screaming) HOMER: The motorcycle dudes are chicks! I wonder what else is chicks? (women gasping) Don't ask.
Do smell.
ANNOUNCER: Also available in "Arctic Slut," "Morning After Melon" and "Elon Musk.
" Hey they tricked us! That's a commercial! If I wanted to pay for commercials I can't skip, I'd sign up for Hulu Plus! Shh! You're shushing me? This guy's on his cell phone, she's texting, he's sexting, and that guy brought a baby to a 9:00 movie! (Spanish accent): That's negative, man.
What happened to the movies? First they got worse than TV, and now this! (all gasping) (yelling) And stay out! (Homer moans) Chins up, Homer.
You don't need a theater to watch the movie.
You just have to illegally download it.
Illegally download it? Is that legal? Who knows? But it sure is easy.
I'll walk you through it.
All you have to do is ANNOUNCER: The FOX network forbids the broadcast of step-by-step instructions for illegally downloading copyrighted intellectual property.
In the meantime, please enjoy this footage from NASCAR's 2011 Martinsville Cup.
(engines roaring) Wow, that was easy.
All I had to do was click on (engines roaring) And play! Bless you, boy.
That was the greatest thing I've seen on a computer that I can talk about with you in the room.
How did you know how to do that? I'm under 30.
Guys, guys, I saw the Radioactive Man movie! Here's my ten favorite scenes from worst to best.
Number ten: when what's-his-name did that stuff with those dudes.
Number nine Uh, Homer, that movie's been talked out.
We're discussing the new James Bond flick.
I like that James Bond is ugly now.
I like that he doesn't have any gadgets.
I like that he's not good at shooting, doesn't say funny quips, or do any James Bond stuff.
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Homer, go to the theater and see the movie.
(scoffs) Theaters? All I need to see this movie is a laptop and a Web site based in a country that's really just an offshore oil platform.
Care to join me? That was so much better than the cinema.
It mixes the wonder of movie-going with the rush of stealing.
All we want is brand-new, big budget entertainment in our homes for nothin'.
Why doesn't Hollywood get that? Gentlemen, I am inspired to create a theater for the people an experience free of all the nuisances and gouging of modern-day moviegoing! Yeah, no more jerks talking on their cell phones! No more jerks telling me not to talk on my cell phone! And best of all we'll never have to sit through another annoying commercial again! Welcome to "Cinema Pirate-diso.
" Tonight's movie is Life is Funny, directed by Judd Apatow.
It's based on his life, starring his family and ad-libbed by his friends.
So for the next three and a half hours, enjoy! (frustrated groan) Did you just pass gas while we were making love? You're the one who hired the Korean taco truck for our private school fund-raiser.
(chuckles) I live it, he writes it.
Well, what did you think? We may be going to Hell for seeing "side bosom," but this backyard is a little slice of Heaven, all thanks to Homer Simpson! (cheering) This is fun! And it was so nice of the movie company to let you show their film.
Let me? Uh, sweetheart, I downloaded it off the Internet illegally.
An illegal download? But Hollywood says stealing from Hollywood is wrong.
(scoffs) Why should a regular guy like me have to spend so studios can pay huge salaries to the Air Buds and Ray Liottas of the world? Oh! When I watched that pirated movie, I was stealing with my eyes.
So I'm repaying the good people in Hollywood for the ticket I should have bought.
Now this money will end up in the hands of the talented people who make magic happen on the silver screen.
(inhales) Ah (startled gasp) Karen, get me the FBI! Karen! You people joined this squad for one reason: to fight movie pirates.
I wanted to catch serial killers.
(mocking, whiny tone): "I wanted to catch serial killers.
" From now on, you will lay down your lives to protect America's chick flicks, buddy comedies and steady stream of animated misfires.
Sir, you have to see this.
"Took it off the Web "watched for free never pay for a movie again"? Men, set your guns on "kill.
" We're going after Homer Simpson.
I now present, direct from the computer of an angry editor at a special effects house, Cosmic Wars Episode Seven.
(epic orchestral theme playing) (audience cheering) My childhood has been un-ruined! Listen up, seat meat! You are all in violation of Title 17 of the U.
S.
Copyright Code.
(all gasping) Easy there, hotshot.
All the people are doing is watching a movie.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! I'm not wearing an undershirt and my badge is poking into my skin.
What's going on here? Is there a fondler in the neighborhood? I'm here to arrest and hopefully stage the prison suicide of the mastermind of this operation-- Homer Simpson! Ooh, mastermind.
We got our man, thanks to a tip from a heroic American snitch.
(gasps) One of you turned me in? Who was it? You! Superintendent Chalmers, you never forgave me for that time we wore the same Hawaiian shirt to that luau! They're gonna take Dad! We gotta do something! I'm on it.
(screams) Copyrighted material! Don't look at it! Someone sell me a ticket! Ear plugs in! Blinders on! We trained for this! (gunshot) (grunting) From now on, the only place you'll be watching movies without having to buy a ticket is jail.
Oh oh (whimpers) Baby, promise me you'll find out who turned me in.
(moans) It's probably someone I would never suspect.
Never suspect.
(moans) Your moans of sympathy are all I have.
Oh HOMER: Whoever did this to me will be haunted by unbearable guilt forever! Forever! What are you guys in for? Bank robbery.
Drug trafficking.
What about you? Movie piracy.
(all gasp) What?! People in show business work hard to make those movies.
My media stocks under-performed because of people like you.
My brother lost his job as a grip on a movie set because of piracy.
He had to sell his Jet Ski.
A grip without a Jet Ski ain't no grip at all! (yelling) You're about to find out what we do to copyright infringers.
(yelling) (tires screech) (all clamoring) (train horn blowing in distance) Uh huh? (horn blowing) Huh? (screams) (men yelling) (grunting) (screams) Whoo-hoo! It's almost like having Dad here.
Only with less growling when I go near his food.
I just want to know who dropped the dime on Dad.
Lousy rat.
Maybe the person that turned your father in thought they were doing the right thing.
Homer just pirated a movie.
But it's not the worst thing Dad ever did.
It's not even the worst kind of pirate Dad's ever been.
Lisa, tell your brother that stealing is wrong, no matter what.
I don't know.
It wasn't like Dad was stealing for himself.
He created this wonderful experience for the whole town.
I just can't imagine anyone turning him in.
(door creaking open) Dad, Dad, you're back, you're back! Hey! Dad, you're back! Dad! Homer, what are you doing out of prison? You have to go back and give yourself up.
I can't go back to jail! There's no shampoo, just soap! Wait, I know one place in Springfield that doesn't care about Internet piracy laws.
Thanks for taking us in.
Our family always appreciates asylum.
This consulate is like being on Swedish soil.
You're as safe here as you would be in the Skatteskrapan.
(whistles) Your country doesn't think illegally downloading movies is wrong? The people of Sweden believe all movies should be shared freely.
How is that not stealing? Bah, your Hollywood studios are the real thieves, claiming all their hit movies have lost money.
I spit on their bookkeeping.
Yeah, and why don't they make a sequel to Taken where The Hangover guys get taken and the only ones that could rescue them is Fast and Furious.
Aw, man, I would love to pirate that.
As would the proud people of Sweden.
(sirens blaring) (tires screeching) They've found us! There's only one surefire way to get fugitives out of a foreign building-- blasting death metal.
Respecting the law, respecting the law Copyright law, copyright law Copyright law, copyright law You like this? Oh-oh, Swedes love death metal.
It reminds us of death.
Damn those Peace Prize-giving fish-smokers.
I'm so tired of being trapped in this embassy.
Consulate.
Consulates are regional offices, which serve the embassy in the capitol.
Thank you so much for sticking with me through all this.
You're the greatest wife in the world.
(moaning) It was me! I was the one who told the FBI.
You? How could you? You're my own flesh and blood.
I was just trying to do the right thing.
Who would've thought the authorities would use a confession against me? Have you forgotten what you promised at our wedding? To love and cherish? To aid and abet? I never wanted to say funny vows.
Well, you did! And they got laughs.
Solid laughs! I didn't mean for this to happen, but you were stealing.
All I ever had was you looking out for me.
I got nothing now.
All rise in the matter of The People vs.
Homer Simpson.
The people call Hollywood ultra-producer, Judd Apatow.
Homer Simpson is an enemy of art.
Art created by writers, directors, and the guy who uses a computer to erase or enhance nipples.
And not just the people who dream for a living, but the people who depend on us.
The spin class instructors, the personal rabbis, Seth Rogen.
(laughing) (crying): It's true, I need him.
I saw a bootleg DVD of The 40 Year Old Virgin for sale at a car wash.
They left off my director's commentary! It didn't even have a blooper reel! (all groaning) (gavel banging) Homer Simpson, you have been found guilty of illegal reproduction and distribution of copyrighted material.
Before sentencing, do you have anything to say for yourself? No.
Homer, tell them your side of the story.
I know I hurt you, but please trust me now.
It'll work.
You know what, Judge Apatow? I do have something to say.
These movie people may say I'm a pirate, but I'm just a man.
A man who loved Hollywood too much.
So I made my own rules and fought the big guys who tried to destroy my way of life.
He doesn't sound like a villain.
He sounds like a classic underdog.
He's the unlikeliest of heroes! But where's the love story? At first my wife didn't believe in me.
Maybe we forgot why we fell in love in the first place.
But when times seemed darkest, one minute ago, she was there and gave me the strength and courage to fight for what I believe in.
He's a downloading David versus a greedy Goliath.
An Erin Brockovich but with more cleavage! Two, three Good Lord, he's hitting all four quadrants! One family, against all odds, took on the system and lost.
(clamoring) Mr.
Simpson, I'd like to buy the rights to make a movie based on your true story.
I'm attached as executive producer! Attached! Attached! One movie? We envision a trilogy.
Will Smith's family wants to play your family.
I'd be Jaden.
(all clamoring) On behalf of Hollywood, we are dropping all charges.
These people hate my dad.
How can they want to make a movie about him? Hollywood may be run by big corporations trying to squash people, but they make movies about people standing up to big corporations trying to squash them and winning.
I'll sign with whoever can convince Channing Tatum to gain the most weight to play me.
Surprise! - Surprise! Surprise! What the hell is all this? We're so excited about your movie that we're having a special screening.
But the movie isn't in theaters till next week.
Yeah, we ripped a version off Bootleg Bay just like you taught us.
It's still got timecode on it, but, otherwise, it's a clean copy.
(chuckles) You're pirating my movie? The hell you are! Piracy is stealing! You're taking money out of my family's mouths! (gasping) But the movie is i-it's about you pirating movies.
Oh, that's Hollywood fantasy.
We live in the real world, where I have something called prof-it par-tic-i-pa-tion.
That's negative, man.
Oh, Homie Now all of you go see my movie in the theater the day it opens! No bargain matinees! And tell your friends it was great! Buy the stuff they advertise in the commercials before it! Homer in the movie wears Ask Body Spray and so should you! Don't ask! Do smell! Homie, do you really think you should be Up-bup-bup-bup-bup! What have we learned about not blindly supporting our husband? Ask Body Spray! and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY But then when times seemed darkest, she was there; she gave me the strength and courage to fight for what I believe in.
On behalf of Hollywood, we're dropping all charges! (cheering) (laughing) So what do you think, Lise? Who are the good guys here, the media companies or the Internet freedom guys? Well, both groups claim their intentions are noble, but at the end of the day, they're both trying to steal as much money as they can.
So everyone's a pirate? And the worst one of all is (Seth Rogen laughing) Shh!