The Simpsons s26e01 Episode Script

Clown in the Dumps

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the harp) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (electric humming) (shouting) D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
Family.
Meet me at the kitchen cube.
D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
D'oh.
(electric crackling) (growling voice): I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
(gurgling) (distorted) Don't Don't have cow, man.
I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
Don't Don't have cow, man.
Don't Don't have cow, man.
I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
(distorted): Hail the dark lord of the twin moons.
I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
Don't have cow, man.
(gurgling) (growls) Simpson.
Cow, man.
I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
(babbling) (squishing) (low voice): Make purchase of the merchandise.
D'oh.
Don't have cow, man.
I have memories.
(high-pitched tone) I have.
memor memor (grinding, beeping) (gentle piano playing) (high-pitched): Still love you, Homar.
(high-pitched, distorted): We are happy family.
All animals can scream.
(low growling) Make purchase of the merchandise.
I am Simpson.
I am Simpson.
Don't have cow, man.
D'oh.
Three feet, nine inches.
That should do it.
Don't you know what kind of animal we're dealing with? Okay, enough theory.
Hey, Dad.
We made popcorn.
HOMER: Woo-hoo! Huh? Out of my reach? (grunts) Must make effort.
(grunting) (bones crack) Yay.
Mr.
Simpson, you earned this.
(quiet grunts) What's on TV? Krusty's getting roasted tonight.
Hey.
(grumbles) Sometimes the language on these gets a little B-L-U-E.
What? Oh.
If you don't let us watch, we'll just go to a house where some more permissive parents will.
How permissive? Chief Wiggum shows us crime photos at sleepovers.
So this is what a body looks like after it drops Uh, come on, Milhouse, don't pretend you're asleep.
This is the world we live in.
Yeah.
(crowd laughs over TV) Hey, Krusty, our local deli just named a sandwich after you.
It's called "The Unfunny Comedian.
" (crowd laughs) You will always be remembered for your countless appearances on the Krusty the Clown Show and your one appearance on To Catch A Predator.
(crowd laughs) Hey, I spent a lifetime making people happy.
Yeah-- plastic surgeons and divorce lawyers.
I was just about to say that.
Oh, he took my laugh.
Screw it, I'm doing it anyway.
Plastic surgeons and divorce lawyers.
(man coughs) What a legend.
Krusty the Clown is to comedy what Martin Luther King is to comedy.
(laughter) We've seen a lot of top-flight comics tonight, but that's over, because it's time to hear from Krusty the Clown.
Welcome, Krusty.
I grew up watching you.
Oh, uh, sorry.
I threw up watching you.
(laughter, applause) (grumbles) Sarah Silverman.
I say this with love, you disrespectful skank.
You've had more Oh.
Suddenly, I don't feel like doing this.
(gasps) Sorry, Mini-ha-ha.
Canceling the bit.
Tell the others.
I thought this night would be fun for me and my friends.
I don't even know these people.
And I guess I don't have any friends.
My only comfort is the roast is over and will only be shown four times a day for the rest of all time.
Krusty.
Yeah? Is your nose red because it's embarrassed to be seen with you? (laughter) Oh, nobody warned me this roast would treat me the same way as every roast I've seen and laughed at.
and the husband says, "Who paid you a nickel?" And the wife says, "Everybody.
" (laughs) Oh, sorry, wrong for this audience.
I thought Swapper Jack's was something else.
Krusty, sorry about the roast.
They had no right to say those hilarious things.
How could they say I'm past my prime? Me-- the voice of Ovaltine.
Krusty, why don't you talk to your dad? He'll cheer you up.
He's a rabbi.
He must've learned something from that giant star scroll he's always reading.
Kid, does talking to your dad make you feel better? Well, no, but he's not a rabbi.
More of a flabbi.
(snorts, laughs) Why, you little I'll show you who's a flabbi! (grunting) (muffled): No, you're not a flabbi! Yeah, all muscle.
In Minnesota, I'd be a supermodel.
Okay, I got it.
So, basically, I came here so you could tell me the truth-- that I'm great.
As the Torah says: Judgment belongs to God.
The Torah also says you can't eat ham, and I'm the spokesman for HamCo Ham.
This is why I only call you on Christmas and Easter.
Wait, wait, wait.
Please, Dad.
Do you even think I'm funny? I'm not gonna lie to you, for funny, I prefer Rabbi Rudenstein.
He puts the "ha" in Hanukah and the "levity" in Leviticus.
As for you, son, if you want to know my honest opinion of you, you've always been eh.
Go on.
I've always been "Eh ntertaining"? Dad? Show me nose fog.
Oh, God, he's dead.
And he never lived to see me be successful.
(sobbing) A pusten fas hilcht hecher.
"An empty barrel reverberates loudly.
" And today, my heart is that barrel.
Even though my father and I had our difficulties, (sobs) he was a great man.
And, well, he always Wha? Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
(sighs) Look, I'm an entertainer.
So maybe the best way to say how I feel about my dad is through a song that someone else wrote that I hired people to sing.
This is for you, Dad.
(to the Itchy & Scratchy theme): He fought and fought And fought for Jewish rights Wisdom sought Students taught Rabbi Krustofsky's gone.
Yeah, well, it's just well, I thought Seriously, it can be really tough to lose your father.
(crying) RUDENSTEIN: Yasher Co-ack.
Let us all please rise.
(snoring) Homer, get up.
Huh? Oh, uh (grunting) Oh! Oh! Ooh! (panting) Dad, are you okay? Yeah, yeah, great.
(sighs) I guess my getting-up days are over.
(gasps) (humming a tune) Dad, you're eating too much.
I'm worried about your health.
I don't want to lose you.
(softly): Oh, no.
Krusty, I brought some homemade chicken soup.
We used the Play-Doh maker for the matzo.
Uh, thanks, but I don't really like soup.
But you wear that little spoon around your neck.
(chuckles) You really notice stuff, don't you? Yes.
And I can tell how hard it was to lose your father.
But at least you were there to share his final thoughts.
Eh.
No, no, it's a big thing.
No, that's what he called me.
"Eh.
" Mm.
It could be worse.
Oh, yeah? How? I don't know, uh how about (blows raspberry) That's a lot worse.
Can you stop comforting me now? Krusty, condolences on your loss.
So this is the Bob whose comedic genius I can never live up to.
Believe me, all of us have thought about killing him.
(sighs) Clowns have it tough, Krusty.
I understand.
I was Professor Pickles with Ringling Brothers for several years.
The elephant and I had our differences.
So, what brings you here? And don't say clown car.
I'm a sad, tragic clown.
Like what's his name-- Liberace.
Tell me about your father, huh? Ah! Herschel, did you read your Exodus? Oh, uh, oh, sure.
Really? Then tell me, what did the burning bush say? It said "Ow! Put me out! How many talking bushes do you think there are?!" (laughs) My son, you are a big needy nothing that only laughs can fill.
(scoffs) I don't need laughs.
Ha.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
A big needy nothing.
(sniffles) Wow.
Wow.
Krusty, would you like a therapy dog? Yeah.
With extra relish! Hey-hey! I still got it, huh? Yes, if by "it" you mean reflexive denial of your inner sadness.
(sadly): Hey-hey.
SIDESHOW MEL: Shut up, children.
Boys and girls, you know that we've been dark for a couple of days because of a tragic loss in the Krustylu family.
Now put your hands together for the man who's falling apart before our eyes, Krusty the Clown! (kids cheering) (jaunty theme music plays) No monologue.
Roll the cartoon.
(swing creaking) Oh, my God! Who made this monstrosity? I did everything! Kids, I'm experiencing a crisis of conscience.
(canned applause) No, no, no, no! I don't deserve the prerecorded applause of children long gone.
(canned applause) KID: I like Ike! Therefore, I'm quitting the show.
And I know Mel will be quitting it with me.
Yes, yes, buy the house.
It'll be Uh, what?! Today is the day the pity laughter died.
Krusty the Clown has retired.
For a brief overview of a half-century of ha-has, here is Channel Six TV critic Clive Meriwether.
Krusty the Clown will perhaps best be remembered for taking up two spots in the Channel Six parking lot.
On a personal level, he used to call me Little Lord Tingaling.
I shan't miss that.
This man's only lasting legacies are a law in his name limiting the working hours of chimpanzees to 14 hours a day and the invention of the payment of alimony by dropping hot pennies from a helicopter.
I give his life a D-plus.
Good day to you.
What will Krusty do now? I suppose only time will tell.
Which is true for all news stories, I guess.
Until anyone realizes, I'm Kent Brockman adding no useful information.
And here's another sentence.
You can tell I'm winding it up because my voice is going up and down like this.
Well, at least now I have plenty of time to solve this Rubik's Cube.
All right, what if I did Oh! (Homer snoring unevenly) (snoring, gasping) (quietly): Mom, Dad.
Yes, Lisa? (snores) What? I've been listening, and Dad stops breathing for as long as five minutes.
Mind if I sleep with you guys and keep an eye on him? Sweetie, you shouldn't have to worry about such things.
(gasps, snores, wheezing) The doctor gave us this machine to help him breathe in his sleep.
Go to bed.
I'll take care of him.
No good.
No good.
(grunting) Oh! Ooh! Ah! (gasping) What do I do? What do I do? Oh.
Breathe, Homie, breathe.
(grunting) Well, at least Teeny's doing okay.
He's in The Odd Couple with David Hyde Pierce.
Now, really, Oscar, would it kill you to use a coaster? (screeching) If you're going to go up there, at least dust! Finally, done the way I first imagined it.
I'm gonna prove you did groundbreaking work.
Krusty, I want you to binge-watch all the shows you've ever done.
Well, I've never said no to a binge.
(static crackles) Deuteronomy? Isn't that the study of deuters? Hippocampus? Isn't that another name for the University of Mississippi? Okay.
I've been on 50 years.
You're bound to repeat yourself a little.
Unless I wanted to be sat on by Mama Cass.
Unless I wanted to be sat on by Dom DeLuise.
by the cast of What's Happening! William "The Refrigerator" Perry, everyone! Newman from Seinfeld.
the whale from Whale Rider.
Adele! (laughs) What? She's a guest star?! (sobbing) (groans) (static hissing) So that's why all my cameramen have PTSD.
Where's my whiskey funnel?! (German accent): Young man, you should go.
When the master is like this, it is no place for children.
Pour, Helga! It begins.
(gulping) (angelic choir singing) Whoa.
Where am I? Why, you're in Jewish Heaven.
Oh, this place is great.
Why, my necktie straightens itself.
Even Portnoy has no complaints.
And I tell you, I get so much respect.
Wow.
So I made it to Heaven.
(klezmer playing) (crowd cheering) This place is amazing! Schmuck, there's no Jewish Heaven.
Our faith teaches us that once you're dead, that's it, kaput.
It's dark, it's cold.
It's like that apartment we lived in before I started doing weddings.
But you, my son, remain Eh?! (groans) Go back to Earth.
Do something with your life.
Help people.
(echoing): Help people.
Help people.
Help people.
Nothing.
I'm not getting a pulse.
(gasps) I got to change my life! Still no pulse.
I guess I'm just really bad at this.
WOMAN: Someone to watch Over me.
I'm afraid Lisa's getting obsessed with keeping her father out of danger.
She's gotten our Resusci Annie doll to breathe on its own.
(wheezes) Why? In this new shelter, we provide a home for animals put out of work by Cirque Du Soleil.
(gorilla growls) Um, Krusty, have you fulfilled the promise you made to your father in the dream you never told anyone about? Uh, no.
Somehow a brief act of uncharacteristic generosity solved nothing.
Hey, Krusty.
What? Have you been going to temple? Yeah, and I've learned that all religions are equally boring.
But there's a reason I went.
Come and see.
Kid, there's no way you can cheer me up.
Not when whiskey, good deeds and hookers failed.
Who's a hooker? Uh, with me, it's easier to say which ones aren't hookers.
Hmm? (grunting) Lisa, what are you doing? Wrapping you in bubble wrap.
I can't always be around to protect you, so it will.
But (bubble wrap popping) Oh, Lisa, honey, you can't insulate yourself from life.
Why, I could live till 100 or a bus could hit me tomorrow.
That's why I never plan more than four seconds ahead.
Oh, I guess you're right.
Now come on.
Give Daddy a hug.
(grunting, bubble wrap popping) Bubble wrap! (bubble wrap popping) Your daughterly love saved me, sweetie.
That's all I wanted, a tiny bit of control.
Ooh.
I suppose we should exchange insurance information.
I don't have any.
Me neither.
Then we have the same company.
They'll work it all out.
(tires screeching) (quietly): Rabbi Rudenstein.
Your father's favorite.
Today's reading is from Deuteronomy, which I believe is the study of deuters.
(laughter) Hey, that's my joke.
Eh, must be a coincidence.
Uh, but before we begin, I'd like to quote the burning bush, which said, "Hey, put me out.
How many talking bushes do you think there are?" Hey-hey.
(laughter) Me again.
So if Dad loved his jokes, then Dad loved my jokes.
(crying): Oh Yeah, I guess he just hated your delivery.
He loved my jokes.
My father respected me but could never tell me.
That's Jewish Heaven.
Heaven Jewish Heaven RABBI KRUSTOFSKY: We're a father and a son who didn't speak But up here we found the happiness we seek And I can't wait till you join me next week You! (music continues) Uh, just this once, you think you could turn water into a Bloody Mary? I'll tell you, you're all right, you know? Krusty, let's face it, you might not be cutting-edge anymore, but your show still does really great in that key demo of people who died with the TV on.
(laughter) Whoa.
Of course, Krusty's responsible for Itchy & Scratchy, which is also what he calls his testicles.
(groans) D'oh.
Shh!