The Simpsons s26e03 Episode Script

Super Franchise Me

Tea for the tillerman Steak for the son Wine for the woman who made the rain come Seagulls sing your hearts away 'Cause while the sinners sin The children play Oh, Lord, how they play and play For that happy day For that happy day Happy day.
D'oh! (humming a tune) You're never bored paintin' the Lord.
Daddy, could you help us with our school project? We're huntin' vampire appliances! Say no more.
(grunting) Diddily, diddily (grunts) Well, we pulled more plugs than a Dutch doctor.
Now let's take a trip to the side of the house.
BOTH: Yay! (gasps) Why, that's a higher power than even I believe in.
What is going on? My room, kids' room, knick-knack nook, Beatles Bunker, Left-hand Lounge What's this? (carnival music plays) (whooping) Huh? (music stops) Hey, I was listening to that.
Homer Simpson.
Got any other sockets in my pockets? Absolutely not.
Really? Really? Really?! (groans) My one weakness-- the third "really.
" Come with me.
(Homer grumbles, sighs) Turn right here.
I keep this frozen meat in case society collapses but we still have power.
Homer! This is my freezerino.
Seriously, I am getting so tired of those stupid Flandersisms.
It's the name of the freezer! HOMER: Okily Dokahama? FLANDER: Right next to Mount Fu-Gee, I'm glad to see ya! HOMER: Aw.
It's all gonna thaw! Don't you give up on me! I'll cook this meat, cut it up and make it into sandwiches.
And I will wait and worry! (no voice) So, I cooked the meat, sliced it up, made sandwiches, cut off the crust, fed those to the dog Aw, somebody wants more crust.
Here you go, boy! Here you go.
Have some more.
Still hungry, buddy? Dad, dogs don't know when to stop eating.
Ta-DA! ALL: Whoa! Oh, Marge, once again you've taken one of my screwups and turned it into food.
Man, if only you could do that with Bart.
Mom! Dad's imagining me as food again! He does it to all of us.
Can someone put butter on me? HOMER: Family-icious.
Come on, where's that butter? Hey, Mom, can you pack me a dozen sandwiches in my lunch tomorrow? Meat, no meat, it's all good.
Sandwiches, Mom.
Fill 'er up.
And the garment bag.
What's going on? Are you kids eating your feelings? No, whenever anything bothers me, I harmlessly vent it to Maggie.
I smash fluorescent lights at the gravel pit.
But that's so many sandwiches.
Kids love them.
We trade them at school.
They replaced cigarettes as our currency.
Bubble gum cigarettes? Yeah, sure.
(doorbell rings) What are you doing here, freezer stealer? Ned's letting us use his freezer to store the extra sandwiches.
Well, I felt a little guilty for taking back what belonged to me.
(whoops) Flanders isn't perfect! (chuckling): Never claimed to be.
Yeah, and aren't.
Marge, see this face? It's opportunity.
Blink, and you'll miss it.
Huh? Just kidding.
I'm right behind you.
I'm Trudy Zengler, vice president of development for Mother Hubbard's Sandwich Cupboards.
How would you like to run your own business? Take control of your financial future.
Homie, how much money do we have put aside in case something happens to you? None.
(groans) If that flashback you just described is true, you can't afford not to open this franchise.
I'm in.
Wow, Mom! You're gonna open a sandwich store? Uh-huh.
Mom, if you're gonna do this, there's one thing I need to know.
And be honest.
What's your soda refill policy? All you can drink, if you buy a jumbo cup.
Careful, Marge, that's how I bankrupted a Pizza Hut.
Mmm that's good.
More, more.
Refill Free! I-I just I Where is it going? My store.
My offset spatula.
Mine! (door opens, bell rings) Well, well, well.
Seems like someone forgot there's a Krusty Burger two blocks away.
Go ahead, Teeny.
Show 'em what we did to Arby's.
She did the one thing I never could-- feed him.
You're a cool customer, Marge.
And we've got your back.
With everything from pre-sliced tomatoes, to the homey needlepoint on the walls.
Aw And now, the best part of running your own franchise-- picking your Sammy Fammy.
You'll want to avoid that.
Your monkey just ate all my turkey.
You want some monkey meat to replace it? No.
It's low-fat.
GIL: As you can see, I was just two credits short at Southern Illinois, and I got to be honest with you, Marge.
I need this job bad.
Hmm You seem to have had, and lost, a lot of jobs.
It's a whole new world, Marge.
A whole new world.
Why, my dad spent his whole life at one company.
Started in the basement mailroom, and ended his career jumping out the window from the top floor.
(groans) Yeah, he was wearing this suit.
Corpse suit.
I'm not sure this is going to work out.
Oh, I get it.
You won't hire me because I'm pretty.
That could be a lawsuit.
No lawsuit! You're hired! Okay, so I don't want to do anything that'll ruin my manicure.
Well, then why do you want this job? So I can get manicures.
Duh! Professor, could you say, "Welcome to Mother Hubbard's Sandwich Cupboard" without making any other noises? Of course I can, my dear child.
Welcome to Mother Hubbard's uh Sandwich mcboing boing glavin flyvy hyvy goyvyn, and now I'm running to the unemployment office.
(Marge groaning) I'm too nervous to sleep.
(Homer grunts) (sighs) (grunts sleepily) (sighs aggressively) (stammers awake) I'm sorry I woke you up.
I'm just so anxious about tomorrow.
What if the store fails? What if I fail? Well, you woke up the right man in bed.
I love you, Marjorie.
And I've had my share of failures, sure.
And sometimes I get pretty nervous.
But thanks for talking it out with me.
I think I can finally get to sleep now.
No! No, no, no! It was me that couldn't get to (snoring) (sighs) (stammers awake) Oh, make love now? (groans) Say there, buddy, are you interested in our Two-For-One Tuesday? I never would have been, till I got this flyer! Interested in some exotic dancers, huh? Today's "Tell You Their Real Name" Tuesday.
Are you working two jobs here, Gil? No, and I resent the accusation.
Tell me, it's pointing west, right? Hola.
No change for the meter.
No, no, I'd like to see the manager.
Boss! Some fat blob wants to see you.
MARGE: Homer! Marge.
Come on, let's celebrate! It's your first day! Homie, I'm a little worried.
Do you know there were no customers between 2:00 and 4:00? Hey, Tony Roma's wasn't built in a day.
But don't worry, I told everyone about this place, and they're all going to support you.
You do have drone delivery, right? I kind of promised that.
We don't have drone delivery! You'll have to find a substitute.
(humming a tune) HOMER: Damn it! (humming) (Marge groaning) (groans) What's wrong? Mother Hubbard Central expects you to buy a lot of stuff from them.
Uniforms, fixin's.
It's like they don't care if you make money as long as they make money.
What kind of corporation does that? (stammers) I'm not trying to be political, but I'm the only one you can trust here.
(gasps) Shauna! I saw that! I'm going to have to let you go.
Oh, so you're, like, firing me like in that movie where that girl gets fired? I'm sorry.
If I'm fired, then he's quitting! I am?! Oh, that's what holds them up.
What am I going to do? I'm down two employees and it's the afternoon rush.
(bell dings) I need a six-foot party sub.
Lots of mayonnaise.
And I mean lots.
Never stop squirting mayo.
Don't worry, baby.
(humming a tune) Thank you, Homie.
Why does this have to be so hard?! Oh, uh, sorry there, Marge.
This is my changing room.
You are working two jobs! No, these are my real legs.
I'm I'm not a well man, Marge.
This is so sad.
In his homeland, Dad was a nuclear engineer.
Oh, I was short-staffed and your father volunteered.
Actually, I was wondering if you two might want to lend a hand.
No, no.
You want to make American kids work? You're supposed to be driving me to a tennis class I said I wanted, then I changed my mind and I hate it so much I'm faking stomachaches to get out of it.
Would it kill one of you to wash a bell pepper? Um, I'm not sure this is the best use of my skills.
I said wash! And, Bart, go work the deep fryer.
Well, if I'll be doing this when I'm 40, might as well start now.
(humming a tune) (gasps) I'm home.
Guys, this is gonna be hard for a while.
But we'll get through this as a family.
Yes, we will.
The Simpsons and old Uncle Gil.
Uh, Gil? I've been meaning to tell you you're fired.
Yeah, well, guess I had it coming.
Can I take some bologna heels? As many as you like.
You sure? Take them! Aw, yeah! It's a big ol' fat one! The best things in life are free But you can give them to the birds and bees I need money That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want Your love give me such a thrill But your love don't pay my bills I need money That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want Good baby.
Oh, yeah.
Real good baby.
Good everybody.
You won't believe it, but we actually turned a profit today.
Kids, we're taking some shredded lettuce, pre-sliced cheese and cold cuts, and turning them into the American dream.
Uh, guys, what the hell is that? (gasps) They're opening another Mother Hubbard? Across the street?! How could they? How could they?! CHIEF WIGGUM: Move, move, move! Eh, Chief, uh, who are you fooling with this one sandwich a day diet? It's on whole wheat, Lou.
Cleans up your insides.
I'm gonna sit next to it.
How could they open another franchise so close to me? Don't worry, Marge.
They can't beat us.
Because we're family-run.
Aah! Hillbillies! Okay, in you go, Minimum Wade, Addem-up, Oxycontin, Fontanelle and Pediculus.
You make way for those that's nocturnal coming off the night shift.
(squealing) Huh? (sighs) (yawns) Mom, I need a few hours off.
It's Milhouse's birthday party and I'm all the guests.
I understand, honey.
Did you get someone to cover? Mm.
I'm working the drive-through! There is no drive-through! (coos) No, thank coo! (sighs) (door opens, bell dings) Ah, finally-- a customer! Aah! Simpson, why aren't you at work? Whoa, hold that famous temper, Smithers.
Who is this? Simpson, introduce me to this almond-eyed beauty, and all is forgiven.
Uh, Mr.
Burns, I'd like you to meet Mother Hubbard standee.
From the Wisconsin Standees! Milk-fed, yet so slim.
Permit me to play you a tune on my mouth organ.
Sir, maybe we should go.
Sorry you died! Put the body with the others.
Homer, if I ever seem that senile, get a gun and What are you doing with that gun?! Marge, have you ever seen pants do this? (gasps) You're working so hard you've lost weight! We're killing ourselves trying to run a restaurant no one goes to.
I've never said this to you before, but I'm saying it now.
I'm going to Moe's.
(gasps) Now I know why you come here so much.
No matter how sad you are inside, what you see looks worse.
It was really hard for me to make this place look old but not in any way comfortable.
Now maybe some TV will cheer you up.
If you's in the mood for a sammich, come on down to Mother Hubbard's Sandwich Cupboard Express, for all the sandwiches you love! Bread sammich.
Yesterday's what's-it with ketchup.
And the thing what ate our chickens.
BRANDINE: Looks like a fox, but it ain't.
Be sure to follow us on Kinterest and Critter! Aw! "Yesterday's what's-it"? Why does everyone go to them? It's express, Marge.
Yeah, with our busy lifestyle, we got to have express.
Listen there, Midge.
I know how to get yous out of your contract.
But I got to warn you you will never work in the fast-food industry again.
Go on.
So, you see, Ms.
Zengler, the Mother Hubbard's Express across the street is stealing all our business.
It's not fair.
If you want fairness, work at a Sunglass Hut.
This is the sandwich game.
I don't understand you.
I grew up in the pageant system.
Now I completely understand you.
I'm a litigious businessman, and I need a coffee to go.
One jumbo Joe to go! (yells in pain) Get the first-aid kit! One Florence Nightingale in a box! And make it snappy! Ow! I got this.
Ow! Oh, why do these things happen to innocent victims? I was just about to become a million-dollar crotch model! Hey, hey, hey! It's not corporate's fault! Really? But the franchise agreement says Mother Hubbard Inc.
would provide adequate training for all employees, which they didn't.
Clause 27C-3.
(scoffs) You actually read this thing? It was written by two lawyers who had to keep waking the other one up.
If you'll just give me back my original investment, I'll take full responsibility for this man's injuries.
Please tell me I'm still beautiful! All right, Marge.
You've got a deal.
Well, family, we should be proud.
We took on corporate America and broke even.
Hear, hear! Sir? I-I think we've gone far enough to dispose of the body.
Dispose? Ooh.
I've come here to pitch woo.
(groans) (grunts) D'oh! Mmm.
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