The Simpsons s26e06 Episode Script


(Futurama theme plays) Two two, three Ooh.
Wiggle in.
Get comfortable.
(Marge yells) Hey, a couch is a couch.
(grunts) Ooh, yeah.
(sexy lounge music playing) (chuckling) (moaning) Yes, there, you see? Oh, yeah! (giggles) (laughing) Oh-ho-ho-ho! That's so HOMER: Whoo-hoo! SKINNER: Uh, students, each one of you has been assigned the mandatory honor of contributing to the Springfield time capsule, where your arcana will lie dormant until the 31st century.
And (grunts) By the time you finish talking, we're gonna be opening this damn capsule.
Time capsule.
Nelson, give me something.
I brought a picture of my dad.
He's still at large (voice breaks): in my heart! I brought my lucky rabbit's foot.
I can have good luck without it.
(gasps) Ow! Wish we could put this moment in the time capsule.
Consider it done.
Uh, how about you, Bart? Let me guess-- you forgot to bring something.
I'm offended you think I forgot.
Let's see.
Ta-da! Listen, boy, this is the only legacy you'll ever leave.
Better make this count.
(blows nose) (gasps) My sandwich! (devious chuckle) And so a thousand years from now this capsule will be opened by some future Mayor Quimby.
(crowd cheers) That-that could be anyone's ooze.
(truck backup alarm beeping) (grunts) There.
And now, to help secure the jazz vote, Lisa Simpson will play her saxophone.
(thunder crashes) Even God hates jazz.
(thunder rumbling) KENT BROCKMAN: A mysterious electrical storm is currently wreaking havoc with our studio.
(chuckles): But I'm not one of those brainless dolts who mindlessly reads a teleprompter-er error 401 backslash backslash colon reset C-drive shutting down.
(electrical zapping) (male screaming) (crash) (grunts) What the hell was that? Probably just another piece of America's space junk falling out of orbit.
Remember when this country didn't suck? 'Cause I don't.
(thunder crashing) (loud glugging in distance) (loud belch) (glass shatters) (gasps) Homer, I think there's someone downstairs.
Relax, Marge.
It's probably just Homer coming home late from Moe's.
Ooh, the eyes in that picture are following me! Uh, that's a mirror.
Isn't all great art kind of a mirror? (door creaks) (deep belching nearby) We'd better send the dog down.
Come on, here's your chance to protect us, boy.
(whining) Come on.
C (growls) Aah! Stupid dog.
(growling) Ow! (clattering in distance) MALE VOICE: Ow.
We'll have to set a trap, Bait-- I mean, Bart.
HOMER: All set.
When he starts gnawing at you, I'll whack him with this broom.
(gasps) Hmm.
Ooh! (chuckles) Don't drink my loved ones! Oh! Bite my shiny metal ass! A robot! With a catchphrase! Hey, Homer, you gonna kiss him or kill him? (grunts) (yells) All right! Tether-boy! (grunting) (grunting) (yelling) (Bender chuckles) Okay, so, what are you? Must be a secret government project.
Whoa, what do I look like, a narc? My name is Bender, and I come from the future! Prove it.
What happens to Homer Simpson in the future? I don't know.
You die? Oh my God.
He's telling the truth.
I have to take you to our civic leaders.
(deep belch) Hey, hibachi head, how are you gonna pay for that? Uh, let me just transfer some, uh, electronic hyper- credits into your register here.
Ding-da-ding- ding-ding-ding- ding-ding! Ooh, and, uh, another round for my friends! Ding-da-ding-ding- da-ding-ding.
(others cheer) (chuckles): Hey, this blade rummy is all right.
He's a big spender, plus he fixed the jukebox.
(quietly): I think they had a thing going.
Oh, baby, what you done to me (needle scratches record) I hate it when they get quiet.
Listen, uh, I know you're a robot and incapable of emotion (sobbing): It's true.
I'm empty inside! (sobbing loudly) Uh, look, I just want to ask, can we be friends? You're the only guy I know with less hair than me.
That's why I came to your time-- for all you know.
OTHERS: For all we know! (chuckling) D'oh! (mechanical whirring) A, uh, strike! A totally legitimate strike! Yeah! (chuckles) Hey, uh, what's the robot version of bro-Mance? Ro-Mance.
You future guys have a word for everything pal.
(both snoring) You know, they look a little similar.
Like the guy who designed Bender just took a drawing of Dad and stuck an antenna on it.
LISA: A little lazy, if you ask me.
Regardless, I see no reason to believe that Bender is from the future.
Robotic technology today is very advanced.
Oh, really? Can your modern-day robots do this? ("The Stars and Stripes Forever" playing) It's not my birthday-- although Maggie's is pretty soon.
I can't do "Maggie.
" The Gs look like sixes.
This is the robot who claims to be from the future.
Can your present-day robots do this? (babbling) Uh, no, no, they cannot.
Not sure why they'd want to-- gorbid.
Now, why are you here? What is your mission, uh, so to speak? I don't remember.
Man, this guy doesn't ask permission-- he just goes right in you.
Eh aha! Bender's mission protocol is definitely intact.
It just requires a delicate procedure known as "unplug and re-plug.
" (chuckles, mumbles) Because that fixes everything.
(whirring) I remember why I'm here! To kill Homer Simpson! (gasps) (singsongy): My ears are burning.
(singsongy): Not yet, but they will be.
(yelps) A boxing glove! But we bowled together.
Aw, I can't do it.
What stopped you, Bender, Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics? You think robots care what some hack science fiction writer thinks? I killed Isaac Asimov on the way over here.
Well, Isaac somebody.
What the? My ass is about to project something.
(loud whisper): You don't have to announce it.
Just do it quietly and blame the dog.
Bender, we've just regained contact.
Have you killed Homer Simpson? Uh, yep.
Killed him good.
If Homer's dead, why are the creatures he begat still here and multiplying out of control? (all chattering angrily) What the? You lied to me, Bender! Homer Simpson's still alive! Come on, Bender, stabbity-stabbity.
Wait! Stop! Why must you kill my dad? Especially when cheeseburgers are doing the work for you.
Homer Simpson must be eliminated immediately.
The creatures destroying New New York have his DNA.
The monsters are stealing our office supplies! That's inexcusable! Gah! Um Hello, robot.
Looks like everyone gets a turn to say something.
This concludes my turn.
We sent Bender back in time to kill Homer before the monsters could evolve from him.
Apparently, this was too heartless a task for a robot.
Leela, can you handle it? In a New New York minute minute.
(explosion) (grunts) Ow! (chuckles) Ow! Right in my language center! (jittery gibberish) Professor, y-you're a fellow man of science.
Maybe if we teamed up, we could, uh, figure something out.
Eh, but remember, to me you're incredibly stupid.
Oh, and the annoying girl may be helpful.
Meanwhile, Leela, take Homer and explore this time period.
Find out why people would ever pay for "freemium games.
" I'll explain.
Okay, it starts free, right? Then you visit your friend's game, and he's got this awesome candy mansion Get a load of those freaks! And you're like, "99 cents?! You bet I'd like one!" And that's why I owe Clash of Candies $20,000.
Here we are.
Marge, I'd like you to meet Leela and Fry.
MARGE: Oh, don't mention her eye.
Don't mention her eye.
LEELA: Don't mention her hair.
Don't mention her hair.
I am so pleased to meet you.
Nice to be hair.
(laughs) (soft grumble) Oh, Lord.
(professors mumbling) Professor Farnsworth, I'm dying to know how you got here.
Was it a time machine? Little girl, time machines are physical impossibilities.
We teleported through a singularity that I quantum entangled to Bender under the guise of fixing his collar.
Yes, but how did Bender get here? With a time machine.
But you just said that (bell dings) Sample's ready! (snores) Kill all humans.
(snores) Kill all humans.
(snores) Start with Flanders.
(snores) Start with Flanders.
Good news, everyone! That means it's bad.
The human DNA in the creatures was only half Homer's.
The other half came from someone else.
Oh, so we can kill that person instead.
Maybe they're evil and deserve it.
Or have one of those annoying voices that gets on everybody's nerves, with the adding extra noises for no reason.
And the other person is HOMER: Oh, who's that? It's me.
(gasps) Wait a minute.
We don't have to kill you.
Oh, well, that's better.
We just have to kill all your children.
(exclaims) Or just one of them.
If you can figure out which one sired the killer rabbits.
(whistling) (rattling) We interrupt this hologram to bring you an important bulletin.
The horrific creatures destroying New New York have begun metamorphosing.
(laughs) (muffled screaming) (grunting) (all growling) (man gasping) Eat my shorts! Ay, caramba! Ay, caramba! (laughs) What a surprise.
It's Bart.
BART: Wow, I'm doing the same jokes a thousand years later.
Ay, caramba! But how did a mere boy destroy the future? Well BART: Let this be a lesson.
Never throw meaningless crap in a time capsule.
That's it! All we have to do is dig up the time capsule.
And bury Bart in the hole.
I thought people in the future would be more full of peace and love.
Like in Epcot Center.
In our time, Epcot Center is a work farm for the weak.
Oh, but it's not as crowded as the slave labor camps at Universal Studios.
(grumbles) (tires screeching) HOMER: We're here.
(chuckles) My bowling buddy.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: Hey! You can't dig that up for a thousand years.
Plus, I wrote my name there.
See? (rattling) Shmayday! Shmayday! (gasps) They got Scruffy! Nope.
They just got my mustache.
But a life without a mustache ain't worth livin'.
FARNSWORTH: No! That generator powers the portal.
If they destroy it, we'll be (exclaims) (grunts) sucked back into the future.
Okay, head count.
One, two, three (gasps) Where's Maggie? Well, little meatbag, it looks like it's just you and me.
Stuck in a terrible past where I know the result of every horse race ever! To the track! I want that.
Well, you can't have it.
Why, you little Why, you little Why, you little Why, you little Why, you little Dad, it's me.
Prove it.
When's your birthday? February 23rd.
Ha! February has no 23rd.
You (grunts) (grunting) Yes, it does.
Can you please just get us out of this lousy future? Actually, of all probable futures, this is the worst.
It is, 'cause my baby's not in it.
Motherly love.
Why did we outlaw that? Madam, our mechanical friend Bender is your portal home.
But we can't use him until the generator is repaired.
Homer works at a nuclear plant.
He can help us get home.
Oh, are you good at your job? I was voted employee of the month as an April Fools' Day joke.
Why, you little Why, you little Great.
You and Fry can bumble around together while the rest of us give up and make peace with our various deities.
As for me, I'm an atheist.
Oh, nobody's father, who art nowhere, I know you can't hear me, completely ignore this prayer.
Nothing art thou and nothing will thou ever be.
Jesus was just a man.
ALL: Amen.
Well, I shall stay here for the decadence.
There's no debauchery like end-of-the-world debauchery.
Your lips, my lips, apocalypse, ooh! I can't believe you're all giving up without a fight.
Lisa, we're just a package delivery service.
And not a very good one.
The only way to handle the creatures is to do what we do to each year's Super Bowl losers: shoot them into space.
But we'd have to round them up first.
Let me take care of that.
If there's one thing I know how to do, it's manipulate Bart.
You're nuts.
I've got a will of iron.
(deep humming) (mumbles) Okay, let's get going.
(drooling) Dad, we have beer in our time.
Hey, I haven't had a drink in a thousand years.
(horse neighs) (gasps) There's a horse called Bender's Bounty.
But my memory says he died during the race.
That can't be true.
ANNOUNCER: And way, way, way back is Bender's Bounty.
Damn it! Oh, chief, it looks like a robot killing horses over there.
Oh, a 608 Lou, can't you just let me enjoy my day off? W-Why are you dressed in your uniform, then? 'Cause they're the only clothes that fit me.
You happy? Happy? LISA: Attention, goblins.
Madison Cube Garden is filled with Butterfinger bars.
And people are laying fingers all over them.
(cackling, grunting) They're evolving.
That's a first for you, Bart.
Will you shut up? (gentle melody plays) (grunting) Uh, did I remind you to strap yourselves in? (all cheering) You realize you're cheering the death of millions of my children.
(all cheering) Wow, it's working.
I guess the instructions were in English.
What the Whoa! Hey, here's a souvenir photo of you guys coming out of my chest.
Aw, I will treasure this forever.
Lie detected.
Oh, my sweet baby.
Oh, feels like you have a full diaper.
Ooh, um, I'll change her.
(whispers): Here's your cut.
Nice knowing you, meatbags.
Have fun turning to dust.
Wait, wait, wait.
You're the portal.
How are you gonna get to the future? The old-fashioned way.
Good night, friend.
You'll always have a special place here with us.
(grunting) Thanks, pal.
Look at this mess.
It would have disintegrated upon entry if someone hadn't turned off the atmosphere last night.
I like it cold when I'm sleeping.
Besides, these horrible Earth creatures are delicious.
The Johnsons will be here for dinner any minute.
What happened to the handsome man I married? I ate him, remember? Here they are.
Uh, hmm Hope we're not interrupting anything.
(burps) I can't take any more.
(sobbing) I-I can't take it.
Well, perhaps the one of you that is female should go console her.
(Futurama theme plays) Two two, three HOMER: Simpsons in the future Space jokes flying through sound What are those tubes? I wonder what Ice cream's like now Maybe it's hot Or some new temperature they invented.
That's it, we're done.
(The Simpsons theme plays) Shh!
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