The Simpsons s26e08 Episode Script


(tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (grunting) (snoring) (groans) (humming) (humming) Well, if ain't my next-door neighbor, King Toot.
How many times I got to tell you not to throw your trash in my Dumpster? Oh, come on, Szyslak.
I got to make space in the store for my new side business-- a tanning salon that secretly has cameras in the beds, which feeds into my Web site, That is registered.
Yeah, sounds great.
Maybe then you could afford to rent your own Dumpster.
I like my current deal.
(grunting) I'll eat your hair! You call that a testicle kick? (tires screech) All right, you two, break it up.
Drive on, asphalt cowboy, or I'll squeeze his brain out like an edamame.
Eh, uh, a what? Those beans you eat before your sushi comes.
Oh, salt peas.
I call them salt peas.
Look, Officer, after 20 years of being neighbors, tempers sometimes flare up.
Moe's a good guy.
No, no, no, it's my fault.
I'm a hothead.
I ain't got no beef with you, Toot.
(whispering): You better stay out of my Dumpster.
I've also been stealing the catalogs out of your mailbox.
(punching, instruments clattering) (grunting) (screaming) It's my Dumpster! (screaming continues) (both growling) And that's the terrifying tale of how the Quebec Nordiques became the Colorado Avalanche.
Oh, no! King Toot's is closed! Dad, you're going to have to take me to the big box music store.
Look at all these monstrosities.
HOMER: Lisa, how many times have I told you to bow down to our corporate overlords? (Lisa groans) (doorbell dings) Hmm.
HOMER: It's like some kind of guitar central.
(groans) Hmm.
Midlife crisis at 12 o'clock.
Okay, let me guess, dude.
You're an axman; you're looking to score a new blade.
(chuckles) You've got a name that's not a name.
So what's your poison, bro? Les Paul? Straight up Gibson? No, no, no, classic Strat, am I right? Oh, I don't have what it takes to play guitar.
I mean, I'm no Joe Walsh in the brains department.
(chuckles) Who is? Look, you don't have the weak, womanly fingers of a guitar princess.
You, my friend, have the muscular stumps of a bass man.
Try this on.
(note plays loudly) What the rock? (chuckles) Now that was a lick.
I did a lick? Keep them coming.
(notes repeating) Yes, now bob your head.
Bob it, bob it, bob it.
Dude, usually it takes years to learn such neck confidence.
Now check this out.
Oh, my God.
I'm amazing.
Dude, you're already one of the greatest bass players of all time.
Now Oh, how are you set for stage lights? I'm not set at all.
Ooh, what about gels? This is embarrassing to admit, Stig, but I haven't even thought about gels.
(Marge humming) (bass playing loudly) (gasps) (screams) What is that racket?! Music! Beautiful music! What?! Beautiful music, baby.
The bass guitar? This doesn't really seem like you.
Sure it is.
You know I've always loved laying things down.
Grooves are just the latest.
(groans) I feel a powerful connection to the history of famous bass players.
Like what's-his-name from The Who.
Or that guy from Led Zeppelin who wasn't Page, Plant or Bonham.
Those are the only two I know for sure.
It's so cool to have another musician in the family! Oh, yeah, and you know what the great thing is about music? It's so easy.
Uh, well, to truly master an instrument you'll need years of So easy.
(bass playing) (gasping) (siren wailing) (gasps) (groans) (gasps) Oh! Ooh! (groans) MARGE: I can't take it.
All Homer does is play that stupid bass.
Doink, doink, doink, doink, doink, doink, doink.
You're not alone, Marge.
A man gets older, has a career, a few kids, and suddenly there's a hole in his life that can only be filled by jamming.
For my Julius, it was the drums.
Timothy has that awful guitar.
Kirk just loves his keyboards.
I never knew so many women suffered from extramarital jamming.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
What if all the dads jammed together in a dad band?! That way they would play their horrible music in one garage at a time.
Marge, you're a genius! This menu was right-- good things do happen at 'Zerz.
'Zerz! (cymbals clattering) I don't know, guys.
I'm not sure I'm feeling this.
The bass is kind of known for being a solo instrument.
What were our wives thinking? We probably don't even like the same tunes.
On the count of three, everyone say their favorite kind of music.
One, two, three ALL: Hard-driving rock! (gasping) Dads, let's jam! (rock song playing) Garage bands rule! (gasps) I almost forgot the most important thing.
(rock song playing) (song ends) Great practice, guys.
What do you say we give it another six hours, then call it a day? APU: Excuse me, but my wife told me about your get-out-of-the-house band.
And, uh, perhaps you need a singer? Oh, yeah, Apu, I'm sure you're a great singer.
But the balance of the band is really delicate right now, and we're not really looking for a world music vibe.
No disrespect to world music.
I love world music.
No, no, I will sing the classic power ballad "Hopin' for a Dream" by my favorite band from the 1980s, Sungazer.
(clears throat) Okay, here we go.
When I close my eyes I wish that I could fantasize Pull a dream right out of the air Take a chance, turn it into a prayer.
That sounds nothing like terrible, terrible world music.
Why is your voice different when you sing? It is because of all the years I spent at the Kwik-E-Mart (rock song playing) where classic rock anthems were piped in on a never-ending loop.
The endless repetition drove many clerks to madness.
The only way to maintain my sanity was to sing along until it seemed like our voices were one.
Hopin' for a dream Hopin' Focus like a laser beam I'll keep fighting till I want something great Hopin' for a dream.
(song ends) Guys, are you feeling this? Are you feeling this? I'm feeling it.
I'm definitely feeling it.
I felt something earlier, but I was afraid to bring it up.
I think we all felt something.
We are more than just a garage band desperate to do anything other than hang out with our families.
We are now a cover band.
And we shall be called Covercraft.
Because we play covers and this is our craft.
And it sounds like Hovercraft.
That was not my intent.
Okay, Covercraft, hands in.
Cover ALL: Craft! R-O-K-C.
(carnival music playing) (instruments tuning) Okay, this crowd is about to experience the special magic of the cover band, the thrill of live music without the fear of hearing anything new.
Hmm? (sighs) Apu, what's wrong? What if, what if I am no good? This is the Cabbage Festival, man.
I-I don't know if I can face that crowd! (groans) Buddy, buddy.
Think of it this way: you're not singing in front of all those people, you're alone at the Kwik-E-Mart in the middle of the night.
You just wear this onstage, and everything will be fine.
(gasps) My uniform! All alone at the Kwik-E-Mart.
When I close my eyes I wish that I could fantasize Pull a dream right out of the air Take a chance Turn it into a prayer Girl, you know I want to be the guy With a hunger burning deep inside Tonight I wish upon a falling star To discover what my yearnings are Everyone loves you, Dad.
You could become a famous rock star! Well, son, I do have the talent.
My mind is full of ideas for great songs I could write down the names of and then cover.
But then I remember: I'm just a regular guy, jamming with my buds.
Oh, sweetie.
This band has brought out the best in you.
Yeah, you really get that it's all about the music.
It's all about the music.
And it would take a pretty unforeseen development to change that.
Pretty unforeseen Gentlemen, I think we've found what we're looking for.
HOMER: Guys, I really need your honesty here.
At the Squidport Senior Jamboree was I too in the pocket? (Covercraft members gasp) KIRK: Freddy Freeman, Shredder Stevens, Nick Delacourt and Peter D'Abbruzio-- you're four of the five guys from Sungazer! But where's your lead singer, Grant LeDavid? Uh, he passed away.
How? (whispering) What kind of erotic asphyxiation? (whispering) Oh Apu, you're the only man on the entire Internet who's got the pure Sungazer sound.
Will you be our new lead singer and join us on our stadium tour? Uh Oh! Ooh.
I think I can answer for Apu.
He's flattered, but the small-time success of Covercraft is all that any of us have ever wanted.
Uh, actually, I Apu has a rich life here in Springfield: a store full of great products, a lovely him-type wife, and eight super kids: Anoop, Sandeep, Nabendu, Gheet, Pria, Uma, Poonam, Sashi Shut your mouth, I want to do it! I want to do it! I want to be a singer for a real rock band! SHREDDER STEVENS: Sun ALL: gazer! Gotta say, I'm kind of jealous of Apu getting a break like that.
Not me.
I'm nothing but happy that our friend is headed for fame and fortune.
APU: Tonight we play Las Vegas-- and the theme of the casino is circus! Circus! Ha! (whimpers) I want his fame and fortune so much! Why must the Lords of Rock be so cruel?! (laughing) Sammy Hagar? You're not dead.
Damn it! I told you those jalapeño poppers had too much breading! Sorry, Señor Hagar.
Nah, nah, nah, it's cool, man.
I went to rock star heaven.
And there was this great back patio with this sweet fire pit.
If you had the right wristband-- which I did.
(laughs) News story in aisle three? Local clerk, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, is a dead ringer for a dead singer.
He's living the rock star dream as front man for '80s chart-toppers Sungazer on their Last Final Hell Re-Freezes Over Ultimate Good-bye For Serious This Time Never Again Part Two of Question Mark Tour.
Apu and the band appeared on Saturday Night Live as the punch line in a game show sketch.
What's a game show? Something you make sketches about.
KENT BROCKMAN: It looks like Apu won't be playing the Cabbage Festival ever again.
Dad, you shouldn't be jealous of Apu.
Remember, it's all about the music.
I'm not jealous.
I'm envious.
Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have.
Envy is wanting what someone else has.
What I feel is envy.
Wow, he's right.
You know what? Apu leaving is the best thing that ever happened to this band.
We're gonna be like Genesis after Peter Gabriel left.
You mean more popular but not as good? Phil Collins-era Genesis is not as good, huh? "No Reply at All," "Land of Confusion," "Throwing it All Away," "Illegal Alien," "I Can't Dance," and I'm sure I don't need to mention "Invisible Touch"! Hmph! (Covercraft plays) (grunts) You know, we really could use a new lead singer.
You know, I've been known to sing a little.
What? So you can also get famous and bail on us? You're out of the band! Well, you can't just kick him out.
Oh, so you're sticking up for Yoko here? Looks like I've got another Yoko on my hands.
How can there be two Yokos? Yoko! Yoko! Yoko! Yoko! Yoko! All you Yokos are out of the band! (grumbling) Are you okay? Do I sound okay? You sound great! Your licks are really juicy.
They're not juicy.
My licks are dry.
Dry and scratchy like a cat's tongue.
You didn't join a band to become famous like in Almost Famous.
You loved playing music with your friends.
That was enough to make you happy.
Well, it's not enough anymore.
When something great happens to one person, everyone else's life gets a little worse.
Look it up, it's called physics.
Apu is a good man.
He sent over front row tickets and backstage passes to his show at the Costington Center.
Oh, you mean he generously invited us to come watch him be a rock star? Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Your friend had a wonderful thing happen to him, and you are coming with us to share in his talent.
I'll never have a per Diem.
You don't know what a per Diem is.
Still want one.
Apu wouldn't be able to sing a note if I didn't help him get over his stage fright with his Kwik-E-Mart shirt.
(gasps) Backstage pass, you just became a payback rage pass.
Look at all this rock star dressing room stuff.
What a sellout.
Cheese plate oh, sorry, cubed cheese plate.
Lemon tea, probably for his throat.
Mm-hmm! Let's see how he performs in front of all those people without his magic-people- performing-in-front-of shirt.
(door opens, Homer gasps) But, Mr.
Shredder, you promised me after we played my hometown I could have a day off.
I also promised I'd kick heroin.
Hmm? But the tour is so hard on my family.
My octuplets are being raised by roadies and bodyguards.
This is not proper.
Look, Apu.
For 25 years we wasted money on women, drugs and guitars with live fish inside.
And now we want to keep it going.
You signed a contract for a three-year, at union scale-- no per Diem.
(gasps softly) You're in the band.
Oh, well, I guess it's showtime.
(gasps) Homer? I'm sorry, Apu.
I thought you were living your dream life, so naturally I wanted to ruin it.
But now I know things stink, so I'm okay with it.
Oh, what is the point? I am trapped like a Kwik-E-Mart hot dog on a roller.
Kwik-E-Mart hot dog, eh? You want every hot dog in the store? Every one? Okay - Yeah! - Yeah.
- Oh! -Yeah! FORUM ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Tucks Medicated Pads presents Sungazer! (cheering) Yeah! All right! Uh, people? I am sorry to report that all the original members of the band have been struck down by a mysterious case of hot dog poisoning.
(groaning) Rather than refund your money or reschedule the show, we have a surprise for you.
Get ready to rock with a group that is truly all about the music-- Covercraft! Hopin' for a dream Hopin' Focus like a laser beam I'll keep fighting Till I want something great Hopin' for a dream Hopin' for a dream (audience cheering) Hopin' To someday, somehow have a goal I'll keep fighting till I want something great I'm hopin' for a dream Hopin', hopin', hopin' Hopin' for a dream Hopin' Dreams are great or so it seems If I never find one I guess that's okay I'm hopin' for a dream Hopin', hopin', hopin' Hopin' for a dream, oh So there I am, on Easter Island, and the heads ask me to play them a song.
I say, "Why me, heads? You've heard the music of the universe itself.
" And they say, "Sammy, your stuff rocks just a little harder.
" That's when I wake up.
I'm in the Springfield Elementary parking lot, doing a buck fifty-five in my Ferrari 512 Boxer.
I was cornering so hard, I blacked out from the Gs, man.
They say I ran over the groundskeeper.
Probably get life in prison.
But I got a plan to escape, using only this harmonica and some guitar picks with my face on 'em.
Who's with me on this? (Hagar laughing)
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