The Simpsons s26e21 Episode Script


HOMER: D'oh! WILLIE: Seymour.
I'm here to tell ya I'm returning to Scotland and you'll never see me again.
But I have hand-picked my replacement.
Johnny Mathis.
Chances are I will give this hedge a trim And I will kill the gophers, too Mmm.
So beautiful.
Skinner imitating alarm) You're late for school.
(English accent): And Friday's lunch will be fish sticks, peas I'll finish those morning announcements.
(clears throat) And lime Jell-O.
Also, Friday night is the school dance.
And that's a treat for the, uh, popular children, and a chance for the rest of you to look within yourselves and ask what's wrong.
Let me know if you make a BM today.
Oh, my special little guy's first school dance.
(groans) Why do I have to go to some stupid dance? It makes just standing around with your friends feel like you're a loser.
Bart, some of your biggest heroes are dancers.
Krusty was on Dancing with the Stars until a panel of experts determined he wasn't a star.
(groans) Dad, help me.
(chuckles) Son, for the rest of your life, you're going to go to all sorts of horrible events just to spend time with girls.
Dances, stores, your wedding.
You don't like those things? Oh, no.
No, no, honey.
I love everything you force me do.
And sometimes if you do all that, you get a very special night.
(groans) And what does that get you? Hopefully, not a you.
Not gonna make another Bart tonight If I do it right, no more Barts tonight No more Barts Tonight No Barts! Hmm? (Flanders humming) Hmm.
And done.
Proud of you boys.
Thanks for painting my fence, Stupid Flanders.
Homer Simpson, reorder that border.
We've been painting since sunup.
Half the fence is mine.
Let the good Lord decide.
D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! Woo-hoo! Now I say good day.
(chuckles) Good day, Homer.
I said good day.
(Homer groans) Well, if it isn't the Frown Princes of Gloomania.
What's wrong, boys? Uncle Homer's not nice to you.
Your name's not Stupid.
It's Ned.
Whoa, there, Roddy.
Someone's getting a little too familiar.
Sorry, Mr.
(chuckles) Time to hop aboard the School Train.
School Train? (funky tune playing) (Otto laughing) I'm going to die, children.
And so will you someday.
(screaming) (sighs) (yells) Thanks a lot, Bart.
That orange drink machine was my mom's fiancé's only source of income.
(grunts) (groans) What a relief.
This dance has turned into a fight.
Would you dance with me? (gasps) Where'd you come from? Fifth grade.
BART: Be careful, Bart.
If you take her hand now DEMONIC VOICE: Your puberty has started! Who the hell are you? I am the puberty demon.
(cackles) (high-pitched squeak, clears throat) For a thousand lifetimes of man, I have been going through changes I don't understand.
You can join me if you just take her hand.
I'd certainly like to help a demon, but I Do it.
Enter the world of body spray, wiry hairs and wondering what boobs feel like.
Do you know? Sure, sure.
Of course I do.
She's up all night to the sun Eh, why not? I'm up all night to get some She's up all night for good fun I'm up all night to get lucky We're up all night to the sun We're up all night to get some We're up all night for good fun We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky (Willie grunts) We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky.
(cheering, whooping) Huh? (grunting) I'll have him good as new.
I just have to get me hammers.
SKINNER: And tonight's best dancer: Bart Simpson.
This is for you.
I'll meet you outside.
(students oohing) Hey, look.
It's someone who does stuff.
The bullies' natural enemy.
Nice dancing, Bart.
Hey, knock it off! You're a real leotard.
(bullies laughing) That works on two levels.
Just like the old Springfield Galleria.
(grunting) Do what you want to me.
Just don't touch the trophy.
(laughs) Yeah, right.
(groans) Hi.
This is for you.
Let me give you a life lesson.
This isn't your fault.
But it's the end of us forever.
(cackles) (squeaks, coughs) Oh, uh, hey hey, Cassidy.
Sweetie, what happened? Bullies broke my trophy.
Oh, don't worry.
When you grow up, you're gonna have a hell of a career.
Oh, wait, you're not the girl.
You're gonna have a hell of a career.
Thank you.
(giggles) Bullying is wrong, and I'm going to work to change it.
If I can get them to open up another register at Kroger's, I can do something about this.
Wha Marge, we don't have Kroger's money.
(gavel slams) Completing our long-overdue apologies to the witches and their families.
Our final new business is a proposal from Marge Simpson.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to show you the world's filthiest word.
Oh, boy, I can't wait to see this word.
(all groan) You know, I thought you were gonna say (long bleep) Now, Midge, uh, thanks for coming and alls, but, uh, since frontier days, we've needed bullies to steal land from Indians and, uh, uh, punch locusts.
But not anymore.
Let's push bullying to the ground and make it cry and point and laugh at it.
Yeah, yeah! Absolutely! Let's pass this legislation without any discussion whatsoever.
So moved.
All in favor? Who didn't vote for it? I didn't.
You better freaking vote for it, or we'll bust your face, you little troll.
(moans weakly) The anti-bullying law has passed without objection.
Hey, Simpson.
Come over and get your Christmas socking.
(siren whoops) By the unregulated power vested in us by the hastily passed bully law, you're under arrest.
Take 'em away, boys.
Yeah, grab that hat.
Boys, I predict you're gonna have clear sledding from here on out.
Uh, except on those sleds.
Uh, I'm gonna need 'em as evidence.
Uh, is that a candy cane, Milhouse? 'Cause, uh, yeah.
That-that's also evidence.
Mmm, mmm.
Uh, yes, Kent, the law gives us broad authority here.
We're not just going after your garden-variety nurple purpler.
No, no.
We're also arresting adult bullies.
The long-trouser crowd.
And let me tell you, arresting people who don't think they're criminals-- it's, uh it's a hell of a lot easier.
All you worthless writers ever do is stare into your phones.
Why don't you text me some freaking jokes? A TV star criticizing his writers.
What has this world come to? Another bully for your collection, boys.
(grunts) I need some prison jokes.
How about "Orange is the New Blecch"? Beautiful.
Uh, yeah.
A car just cut me off.
License JDB 653.
He's a bully.
(ice rattles) Oh, and the guy that filled my soda gave me mostly ice.
Mostly ice.
Dear God.
I'll never grow a tough enough skin for this job.
Excuse me, this is madness.
The ice costs me more than the soda.
Do you realize this? Ay, ay, ay.
What hath Mom wrought? The police are arresting basically anyone they want to.
Lisa, you got to learn to trust your government.
(whispers): That's what I do.
(electrical buzzing) (screams, groans) Daddy, can we make cocoa? Boys, I'm afraid Mr.
Simpson borrowed our mix and our mugs.
Why don't you ask for things back? Are you being bullied? Now, boys, I'm just turning the other cheek, like Jesus.
Do you think he was bullied? (bullies laughing) Come on, guys.
Give it back.
Oh forgive them, Father.
I raised a wuss.
Dear Lord: Please demonstrate unto us Uncle Homer's not a jerk.
(Homer grunting) See you in hell, old bed.
(whistling a tune) Oh, come on, Chief.
Why am I in here? You're a workplace bully.
Chief, I put my name on my lunch because you are always eating it.
Bully! Bully! Bully! (phone ringing) Springfield PD.
Chief speaking.
Hello? We'd like to report a bully.
Uh-huh! Wow.
This bully's going down! Yeah.
(siren wailing, knocking at door) Ooh, I wonder who this could be! (screams) Homer Simpson, I'm here to charge you with multiple counts of bullying your neighbor, Ned Flanders.
What the?! Oh, I never dreamed that a law I had abused could be applied to me! All right, time for the perp walk.
Walk? But I just watered up the Slip'N Slide.
(groaning) I have no comment at this time! I sentence you to in our new Biff Stiffler Bully Reeducation Center.
Is it a school? More like a prison.
Phew! Thank God.
MAN: Welcome, friends.
No need for names.
Well, there are need for names, or there'd be billions of people walking around without knowing each other, but I meant here.
I know what you're going through because I'm a recovering bully myself.
I was bullied for years and years.
I tried to solve it in a way that I don't suggest.
I shot a man.
But that didn't fix it.
It fixed it for him.
He died.
But I then went to a lot of training.
I went into the Army, and I was punished, and they told me I got over it.
I don't feel it, but I'm told I got over it, and I have something on the wall that says I do.
Ow! Time for step one on the path to empathy, you maggots.
Can I do yard work like the kids? Your work is internal.
You mean like vacuuming? Did you really think I meant vacuuming? When I said "internal," your brain went to something inside your house like vacuuming? Is that what you thought? Do you know that's why that Dyson is a billionaire? Something is wrong with you when you think vacuuming.
I'm talking about inside your head.
In your head! Oh, it's so boring in there.
Oh, is it? And I thought it might be like the Louvre.
Now, no more talking! I know how this works.
You find the toughest one, you crack that person, and the rest of you fall in line.
You'll never crack me.
(chuckles) Ah, you're probably right.
Just like you never heard your mother say, "I love you.
" (sobbing) There's not enough tissue in the world for what I'm feeling! (sobbing) There, there.
The first six tissues are free.
The rest you pay for.
Use the first two again.
They don't seem very wet.
Every bully is woven from the colorful thread known as humiliation.
Gary, who humiliated you? Well (clears throat) my father was a psychologist.
He was a big believer in the methods of B.
Skinner! I had to go through a hamster maze to get to my breakfast.
Which way is love, Daddy? (voice breaking): Which way is love? (crying) He made me go through a maze.
Just sit down, Gary.
Have the free potato chips.
You, we'll just heavily medicate.
I'm sorry, there's no other hope.
Give me your money.
Oh, beautiful.
You're just proving my point.
What about you, Homer? Why do you hate this Flanders? Well, he thinks he's so perfect, with his organized garage and his barbecue grill that never has crud on it.
That's very good.
Keep exploring.
I'm already hating him a little bit.
Kids who love him and rub his back.
And he's got enough extra hair for a mustache! All I got are Archie and Wicket here.
I'm so bald.
You've got to go deeper! (in a deep voice): I'm so bald.
Deeper! And if you think I mean on the ground, I'm going to punch you! Why do you hate Flanders? Oh, everybody hates Flanders.
No, just you.
That's right.
Great guy.
He ain't no chooch.
Homer, you've got to find the answer to this.
It's been bothering you your whole life.
Also, it's five to 11:00.
I have ten more people before noon! Oh, can you just tell me the answer? If I told you the answer, then you would not have discovered it for yourself.
Did you see that, uh, Indiana Jones movie? Did anybody tell him where that thing was? Does this guy know? Well Only you know! All right.
I hate Ned Flanders because (gasps) because he's better than me in every way! I think we have a breakthrough.
I was gonna say that, too.
I used to be a jerk.
I never cared whose feelings I hurt as long as it got a laugh.
I took a thumb when a pinky would do.
But we have learned our lesson, so I hereby promise I promise.
I promise.
Te prometo.
We all promise.
ALL: To be a better human being.
Better human being.
Ugh! Once again, people.
ALL To be a better human being.
Better being.
Does he have to be in this? Well, surprisingly, that was our best take.
Uh, question: What will this video be used for? Oh, in schools, by police groups.
They're doing a lot of things now that have nothing to do with news.
This is great.
Nothing America likes better than someone who screws up, goes away for a little while, then comes back and tells everyone how to live their lives.
Oh, I forgot to include remorse.
Oh, it's okay.
When it kicks in, it'll be a thousand times worse.
What happened to me? My mother told me she loved me.
Maybe I couldn't hear her because my hand was over her mouth.
Let yourself out, please.
ANNOUNCER: And here to throw out the first pitch, reformed bully Homer Simpson.
And the pitch hits the umpire, but it's not an umpire at all.
It's a returning serviceman from Iraq.
And the crowd goes wild.
(applause and cheering) You're a hero.
No, you're-you're the hero.
I No, no, you're wrong.
You're the hero.
I No, I just I'm not.
I-I just have a little PTSD.
No, if you see a hero, you're looking into a mirror, man, because you're the hero.
Why is Mr.
Simpson a hero? Well, I suppose it's because he used to be bad and now he's good.
Yay? Yay? MALE ANNOUNCER: Jenny, the Costington's float contains 10,001 flowers, and work started the day after last year's parade finished.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: You say that every year, and it's just not true.
(male announcer chuckles) MALE ANNOUNCER: Well, there you go again.
Daddy, maybe someday you'll be a hero like Mr.
He's a hero, all right.
A hero sandwich full of baloney.
I almost said that in front of the boys! Time I gave that Homer a real tongue bath! Ooh.
Glad I didn't say that, either.
Uh-huh! Uh, wait.
What do you want me to do with this? NED: How about writing, "I'm sorry, Ned"? (mutters) What are you doing here? Homer, sorry is not just the most exciting board game ever devised.
It's a word I need to hear from you.
(sighs) Fine.
We good? No, we're not good! You really think one little "sorry" makes up for years of, "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid Flanders"? I'm starting to think you don't want an autograph.
This is what I want.
I want you to understand how you make me feel.
Homer Simpson, you made me less of a man in my sons' eyes.
Now do you feel remorse? Oh, my God.
I'm a monster.
Wait! You can't go! I need your forgiveness! You can't push a guy around forever, Dad.
You better take a long, fat look in the mirror.
I know.
(Homer groaning) Oh, driveway! Oh! I crawled here on my knees, all the way from my house, to ask for your forgiveness.
Well, sir, I appreciate that, but I don't bend that easily.
Well, I'm gonna wait right here on my knees till you change your mind.
On my knees! Mm-hmm.
I hear you.
Not too comfortable.
Nor should it be.
I think he's suffered enough, Daddy.
And he seems to be sinking.
We're losing him.
"And when you stand praying, "if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in Heaven may forgive you your sins.
" That's from that ribbon book.
Yes, it is, Homer.
And I forgive you, transgressoreeno.
Now, Ned, why don't you join us for an all-is-forgiven brunch? Oh, can I make my famous mimosa? A little sparkling water and a glass full of regular water? Stu pendous, Flanders.
(Homer chuckles) Hey, Miss Drizzle! Otto! Otto! How many tabs did you take? (chuckles) I took a whole sheet of Hello Kitties! Oh, Otto! That will have a most deleterious effect on your brain.
The cerebrum, the cerebellum, the medulla.
But why am I telling you about it when we can visit the inside of your head? Bus, do your stuff! (cheering) Aah! Get it out! Get it out! (screaming) MAN: Mr.
Foreman? Mr.
Foreman, please wake up! Aah! Who murdered who again? Shh!
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