The Simpsons s28e07 Episode Script

Havana Wild Weekend

- Hmm.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Vulture's Nest.
(WHIP CRACKING) The Vulture's Nest (AIR HISSING) where billionaire investors swoop down on your business proposals and peck out the eyes.
(LOCK CLICKING) (SQUAWKING) Uh, hello, vultures.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Okay, um Forget it.
I'm out.
Uh, vultures, almost every kid wears a retainer, and that is not cool.
But this retainer is a de-lamer.
As it turns this grill from blah - to bling.
- (GRUNTS) - Ooh.
- Oh Now that's a Milhouse I'd marry.
Kirk, when I started digging for oil, I came up dry for 12 years.
Then I had my yee-haw moment and realized I needed to drill in Texas instead of my home state of New Hampshire.
Well, I'm very interested.
I'll offer you three hours of my precious time for 90% of your company.
Too late.
We're not gonna do any better than that.
I don't know, Dad.
Of course you don't know.
You're just a kid.
I may be a kid, but this was my idea.
KIRK: Hey! You need a ride home, don't you? We've heard enough.
Thank you for the opportunity.
(LAUGHING) I love seeing people I know fail.
(LAUGHING): Do you want a beer, son? (GASPS) There's a stain.
Did that dumb dog pee on the rug? Dad, it's not fair to blame the dog.
Blame the dumb animal who's supposed to walk him: Bart.
I did walk him.
Didn't I, boy? - (GROWLING) - Chewing your leg is not a yes, I learned that in a real estate deal.
Oh, it wasn't the dog.
I went on the rug.
- What? - Huh? Grampa, is everything all right? I'm 86 years old and I'm falling apart like toast in a dishwasher.
Oh, you poor man.
Sit down here and relax.
(GROANS) Geez, Dad, you really have lost a step.
Can't you at least enjoy Shark Tank I mean, Vulture's Nest? (SCREAMING) Grampa, don't worry.
We're paying the finest nursing home in town.
They'll know what to do.
We have no idea what to do.
We specialize in keeping seniors from bothering their families, then gently releasing them just before death.
God bless, Mr.
I've been paying you off and on for years, and there's no way you can help? We do offer free transportation to the next stage.
You're not staying on skid row.
Yeah, that's shameful, shoving poor old people out on the street.
This place is for the mentally ill.
(YELLING INCOHERENTLY) Hey! What are you Uh, get better! (CHUCKLES) Well, we're not beaten yet.
Grampa, you're a veteran of every branch of the service.
The VA hospital will help.
Aren't those hospitals the ones they called "America's shame"? A lot of things are America's shame, honey.
Simpson? Yes? Uh, this is just the waiting room.
Oh Well, don't worry, the veteran's administration will take care of this proud warrior.
I can see him in five minutes.
(GROANING) Hey, soldier.
Are you looking for high quality health care at no cost? I know the place.
Tell it to me in an anecdote.
Years ago, I saw action in the Bay of Pigs.
Bay of Pigs, eh? (PIGS SNORTING) (CHOMPS) (PIG SQUEALING) Er, have you seen Marilyn Monroe? I'm asking, for, uh, for a friend.
Yes, a, uh Er, uh a friend.
Don't, uh, tell Ethel.
Those Cuban doctors patched me up good, and for a lot less.
How much less? Well, what costs $2,000 here costs six bucks there.
- Hmm.
- (CUBAN MUSIC PLAYING) Ah, Cuba sounds a little dangerous.
Why don't we try Canada? I don't want to go there, now that that commie Trudeau is in charge.
We're goin' to Cuba! You got it, Dad.
Nurse, cancel our appointment.
I'm sorry, there's a fee - if you don't cancel within 24 years.
- D'oh! (HORN BLOWING, BIRD SCREECHING) D'oh! Grampa, can't you enjoy the Caribbean breeze? Not while I suspect your father's gonna toss me off'n the boat.
- Huh? Wh? - Hmm? - Ah-ah? Ah-ah? - Hmm? No.
We're not.
And we'll have fun when we get there.
We can have plantains.
They're like bananas you have to cook.
Cooked bananas are too hard for me to chew.
D'oh! Well, don't forget Cuba's vibrant jazz scene.
Lisa, thanks for the warning.
Despite what she says, this trip will be fun.
I am finally gonna put the Spanish I learned on I Love Lucy to use.
(À LA RICKY RICARDO): Oh, Loo-sey, you need to see a "fee-sa-kia-trist.
" Excuse me, sir.
We are perfectly able to pronounce "psychiatrist.
" Now, please don't make me 'splain it to you again.
Come on, Rick.
The girls are dressed up like men, trying to get into the cigar store.
So you know what we do, Fred? We give them cigars.
(LAUGHING): All the cigars they want.
(LAUGHING): This will be good.
I'll never understand why a bandleader was such good friends with his landlord.
(CUBAN MUSIC PLAYS) Now, there are 12 types of visits to Cuba that are legally permitted.
- U.
business - Next.
Professional research I don't know what either of those words mean.
Educational activities Those words I know and hate.
Family visit Is there a VIP entrance to this place? Religious activities (LAUGHING): God, no.
- Public performances - Never.
Mistook us for Aruba Is that that weird lettuce? Here to smuggle cigars You guys have cigars? Fell off a fishing boat Many times, not today.
Transmission of information Who wants to know? Really love Gloria Estefan Getting warmer.
And the last one is journalistic activity.
I'm a journalist.
I'm doing an article for my school paper.
Here's one of my scoops.
You're in.
Whoa, you can make money playing dominoes? Come on, Grampa, let's take these guys.
I don't like dominoes.
With my cataracts, everything's a six.
(GROANS) What? (SIGHS) Ooh! We could go see Mariel Hemingway's grandfather's house.
Hmm, apparently, he was a writer.
Like Mindy Kaling.
Forget it, I'm done.
Let me just take one last good look at my granddaughter so she'll remember her granddad.
(GRUNTING) And love locks it in.
Now, to just sit and wait for the end.
How could anyone be so glum in front of that sign? (SIGHS) I am so sorry.
There is, uh, nothing I can do.
All I can offer is this, uh, festive shirt.
(GROANING) I don't like the way the birds are looking at me.
Relax, viejo.
Return the shirt after he, you know (WHISTLES) (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (GROANS) We took an exotic island vacation for nothing.
Oh, my God! Where have you been all these years? Now, this is a car! Razor-sharp fins.
Little triangle windows that weren't good for nothing.
And a front seat you could fit all your newborn babies on.
Would you care to go for a ride? (KEYS JINGLE) Car keys that don't go bloopity-bloop! I'm home! ("CHAN CHAN" BY BUENA VISTA SOCIAL CLUB PLAYING) (SINGING IN SPANISH) Oh! You, my friend, just had a "Cuba-gasm.
" (TIRES SQUEAL) Dad, let me help you out.
(LAUGHING) I don't need no help! (HUMS A TUNE) A lungful of leaded gas and I'm better than ever! (CHUCKLES) Oh, thank you.
You've taken my dad back to a simpler time when our only worry was being obliterated by nuclear weapons.
It is the car.
All our American cars were built before 1960.
And studies show that exposure to objects from your youth can help you feel young again.
What studies? Are they peer reviewed? You know what they are? A professor, Ellen Langer, did a study where seniors exposed to culture from the '50s became more vigorous and engaged.
They even engaged in heavy petting.
There's heavy petting? Wow, that's the first time I've seen him get a woman's attention without flatlining.
Now, here's one that's been in our family for years.
(PLAYING THE SIMPSONS THEME) Well, that saves us going to the beach.
(HUMS A TUNE) Okay, so let me get this straight.
This paladar is a restaurant, but it's in a home? That's right.
So I don't have to do the dishes? You don't do the dishes at home.
Never discuss family business in front of the Cubans.
Homie, this place is so homey.
Look, Grampa's eating like a horse.
So, you are enjoying the horse? (GASPS) (LAUGHS): No, no, no.
You are not eating a horse.
The baby is.
(GASPS) How many bites have you had? Gracias.
¿Cómo estás tú? Bart, you're using informal Spanish with someone who's not a family member.
Ay, caramba.
Quiet, you kids.
I'm watching Castro.
All the best world leaders have beards.
Him, Santa Claus.
And every time he says "collective farming," I take a drink.
Recientemente, viajé a una granja colectiva.
Gracias! (GULPING) (LAUGHS) Look at me, Jasper! I'm eating a peanut! Who's that guy? Huh? Who knows? But I'm sending him a picture of my junk.
300 extra pesos por la hermosa camarera.
Yo no salgo con clientes.
Another El Presidente cocktail, Señor Abraham? I don't remember telling you my name.
You did.
In fact, you were so charming, I want to hook up later.
Not for money but for nylons and chocolate.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, Macarena! For me, that's a topical reference.
Why don't you let me buy this round, Abe? Wheels McGrath?! I knew you in the Air Force! I haven't seen you since you dropped that A-bomb off the forklift.
Yeah, 'member when it just kept rollin' and rollin'? (BOTH LAUGH) Oh, you're looking good, Abe.
Cuba's great.
It's like Florida before all the Cubans came.
So what happened to you? (CHUCKLES) I-I hijacked a plane here in the '70s.
Wow! Did you have the chicken or fish? I had both.
(CHUCKLES) Crazy! Listen, there's a place I want to take you.
What do you say? For old times' sake? Yeah, why not? Keep my tab open, Issabella.
I hope I see you again, Abelito.
You will.
I never go anyplace new.
So, you just sign the papers and she's committed, huh? That's right.
(CHUCKLES) That'll zap the sass out of her.
Yes! The future of Angola is the future of Cuba! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ON TV) - (BIRDS SINGING) - Are you sure we had to take this route? Hey, I like hacking.
Are you ready for the surprise of your life? Can you give it to me in stages? - (GASPS) - There she is, the most hijacked plane in history.
All you had to say was your kid wanted a pair of wings, and you were in the cockpit.
I remember their motto, Skyhawk Air: Nobody try to be a hero.
It's all ready to open as a nightclub, Abe.
All we have to do is clean it up and hack a 50-foot-wide path to civilization.
Couldn't we just burn a path? No, I'll do the hacking.
I'll do that.
All I need is a front man and a partner.
You expect me to give you the money I was gonna leave to Homer? Okay, I'm in! Aah! WHEELS: We'll fix that.
See? Fixed.
(CLINK) (SLURPING) (GASPS) It's about time! We leave at 2:00! You leave at 2:00.
I'm staying here.
Dad, you can't stay in Cuba.
For the first time in years, I feel young and healthy.
And I found love! Don't you want those things for me? But I can't even leave you in the park without you losing your wallet in a bush.
It was an investment! So you want to stay and be with your Cuban chica? She makes me weak in the knees! You're always weak in the knees.
That's because I had to sell my cartilage in the '70s, and that cartilage became part of Hank Aaron's wrist.
Dad, you're happy now because the new thing is always exciting.
Remember when you got that new pillow? Oh, that was a mighty fine pillow.
Oh, what kind of father would you be if you left me now? Son, all you see in me is a burden! Think of me every time you don't visit someone! (LIVELY CUBAN MUSIC PLAYING) Aquí pensaban seguir Ganando el ciento por ciento Con casar de apartamento Y echar al pueblo a sufrir Y seguir de modo cruel Contra el pueblo conspirando Para seguirlo explotando Y en eso llegó Fidel.
Who knew you can have fun in coach?! (CHUCKLES) I'd like to speak to your black ops department.
Right downstairs, Mr.
Thank you.
How did they know my name? (WHIRRING) (WHISTLING A TUNE) I don't know where my dad is.
Don't worry Each AARP card contains a secret tracking chip.
(LAUGHS): The magazine is pretty good, too.
- Super easy Sudoku.
- Quiet! This could take a while.
Bam! Got 'em! Now you have to do a favor for us.
How many baseball players can you sneak home with you? Well I have to ask my wife, but I'd say 12.
Bam! Done! Andre here sold secrets to the Soviets.
And this is the guy who came up with the service fee for Ticketmaster.
(GRUNTS) Do you know any good people? Everyone's got their embarrassments, Abe.
I'm sure you got yours.
HOMER: Dad! And up he walks.
What are you doing here? Who are these people? This guy was the biggest drug lord in North American history.
And this guy invented Ticketmaster.
You charged me to sell me something! Pleased to meet you, sir.
(WHISPERS): Abe, come with me to the cockpit.
Are we gonna fly or make love? You will sit there, move nothing, and do as I say.
Hot dog! Makin' love! (GRUNTS) (AMERICAN ACCENT): Miami, this is Jitterbug Justice bringing back an early bird special.
Miami, do you copy? MAN (OVER RADIO): Uh, we copy.
The nightclub is flying away.
Can't we hold on to anything? GRAMPA: Boy, I didn't think I'd ever be able to do this again! All you have done is fly without falling asleep.
Just like on my honeymoon.
I'm starting to suspect you're not a simple Cuban bartender.
No, I'm an undercover agent for the CIA here to recapture fugitives from U.
And when I saw you, I realized you'd be the perfect carcass to tempt these old buzzards.
(SPUTTERING, STAMMERING) Is there anything I get out of this? Yes.
You avoid the knockout gas.
(GAS HISSING) Oh, thank God.
Usually I can never sleep on planes.
Sometimes I (WEAK GROANING) (THUMP) (LOUD BUZZING) (FLAMINGOS HONKING) So, that's the end of my Cuban paradise.
And like every good thing in my life, I've already forgotten it.
Listen, Dad, I know it was fun, but your place is with us, not on some island in the Indian Ocean.
I love you.
(BOTH SOBBING) Oh, now we're two men hugging.
This is no sight for the streets of Miami.
It's a beautiful day.
Want to hit the links? Oh, just like we used to.
(HORN BLOWS) (LAUGHTER) Screw you! (HORN BLOWS) (HORN BLOWS) Look over there.
I just painted a black circle on the green.
MAN: Why, you little! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) (GRUNTING): Hey! Now, boy, it's 50 cents a golf ball from that water hazard.
Just move those logs aside.
TV ANNOUNCER: Next on Vulture's Nest We all know TV dinners, but what about toilet breakfasts? Here's my offer no money, and I get a hundred percent of the company because there's no doubt you developed this idea on my time.
And there's more! Not now.
I'm on my way to Cuba That's where I'm going Cuba That's where I'll stay Cuba Where wine is flowing And where dark-eyed Stellas Light their fella's panetellas Cuba, where all is gay Why don't you plan a Wonderful trip to Havana? Hop on a ship and I'll see you In C-U-B-A
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