The Simpsons s29e01 Episode Script

The Serfsons

1 The Serfsons.
Aw, water soup again? - (squawks) - Now it's crow soup.
Ooh, I call an eye! - Me, two! - Me, three! And Maggie gets the beak.
(squeals happily) - (neighs) - (all gasp) Your hovel got in the way of my horse.
Kiss his hooves in apology.
Mm! Mm! Mm! (chuckles): Oh, please, forgive us, noble steed.
Mm! Mm! Our nostrils are not worthy of your mighty stench.
Mm! Mm! Are those new horseshoes? Oh, they look good on you! Mm! Mm! Mm! (neighs) (disgusted whinny) Lousy nobles! We serfs are starving, while they're feasting and jousting and posing for tapestries where they're friends with a unicorn.
As if any unicorn would like them.
Unicorns like nice people I'm a nice person.
Young lady, that kind of talk is anti-feudalist, and I won't have it! Without feudalism, we wouldn't have this hovel, our bountiful filth, or my awesome buboes.
I'll lance you later.
(panting heavily) (inhaling deeply) Bart! They just stuck new severed heads up on the city walls! Oh! Can we go, Ma? Can we? Can we? That's a lovely idea.
And we can bring my mom.
I hope she's doing okay in her new nursing home.
(snoring, wheezing) Which one is your mom's web? GRAMPA: Son, is that you? No.
BOUVIER: Ah, you ruined my nap! Just like you ruined my daughter's life.
That's her.
They didn't skimp on the tar.
That's the secret to long-lasting heads.
Ooh, there's Ned Flanders! It's always nice when you know someone.
Those are the kind of sideburns I was saying you should grow.
Hmm Pretty sharp.
Pretty, pretty sharp.
See how the heads of rich people get the tallest pikes with the best view? It's so unfair.
I told you to lay off feudalism.
It's the only system we know.
We have no choice about it, and therefore it's the best.
The system is designed to keep us down.
That's not true.
In a great country like ours, a poor girl can grow up to be anything she wants a wife or a harlot and that's it.
I wanted to be a harlot, but it's all who you know.
It's never too late.
Everyone is somebody's weird fetish.
What's wrong with your skin? It's blue, and ice-cold.
This could be a serious disease.
Homer, she needs medical attention.
Pretty, pretty sharp.
(bells tolling) It's never easy to say this.
You've got Genital Snerfs.
SNERFS: La, la, la-la, la-la We love our new home.
Doc, is there any way to control occasional flare-ups? Nope.
- Yeah! - Yay! - Yippee! (groans) Now, what have we here? Progressive frozen-mortification! This can only be the bite of an Ice Walker! An Ice Walker? Mom, how did this happen? Oh, I dated a ravenous wight who abhors the warmth of the living.
- And? - He got fresh.
I'm sorry, baby.
I know I screwed up.
But you got to give me another chance.
I love you.
She's 900 years younger than you, you pervert.
I like 'em young, that ain't no crime.
(giggling) Is my mom gonna be okay? Mm, I'm sorry, but a week from now, your mother will be frozen solid.
No! No, that can't be.
She's barely into her hag years.
All you can do is give her leeches for the pain.
Here's an organizer.
So so there's nothing we can do to save her? Mm well, there's one treatment.
MARGE: All we have to do is buy this amulet.
My mom is saved! Yeah but a hundred GP? I mean, that's more than a tenth-level fighter makes in an entire campaign.
Don't worry, we'll figure it out.
Hey, sweet young thang.
What time they cuttin' you down? Ooh, baby! (humming a tune) (grunts, continues humming) Okay, we just need to come up with a hundred gold pieces.
How much do we have in our savings? Hmm let me think.
There's that thing (mumbling unintelligibly) (smacking lips, mumbling) What are savings? Well, then we can sell our possessions.
- The pig.
The spoon.
- (oinks) The gelatinous cube has to be worth something.
DISCO STU VOICE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this because of what happened to the cat? I told him not to nap on me.
So that's on him.
Look, honey, I love your mom.
As crones go, she's tops.
But does it make sense I mean total sense to spend all that money so a really old lady can get a little bit older? This is my mom's life! This family will do whatever it takes to keep her alive! Is that understood? Of course.
Of course.
- Good.
- Good.
All I'm saying is (grunting) - (oinks) - Homer Serfson, you are the most selfish jerk in the entire Tri-Kingdom Area! I should have listened to that witch and married my twin brother, Markery.
Always here if you need me, sis.
Get lost, freak! She chose me! You get that money to save my mom, or never set foot in this hovel again! Good things come to those who wait.
Oh Is Marge still sore at you, Homer? Yeah.
It's not like I want to kill her mother.
I just want to let her die from neglect.
(groans) If I don't get the money for that amulet, I'll be sleeping on the iron couch.
Now, let's see here.
"An urgent message for Milady Gwendolyn Partz.
" Uh, Milady Partz? Hey, has anyone seen Milady Partz? Ah, come on, somebody grab Milady Partz! That depends how big is your dowry? (all laughing) You little craven, if I ever get my hands on you, I'm gonna slice you open and drain all of your humors: blood, black bile, yellow bile "and phlegm.
" (both laughing) (strained grunt) (yelps) Aah! Okay, break's over.
(yelling, grunting) Uh, Lord Montgomery? I've had some unforeseen family medical expenses, and I was wondering, could I get an advance on my salary? Uh, but first, can I have a salary? (chuckles) Peasants.
Serfson, you've pushed that wheel around and around for 20 years did you ever wonder why? Mostly I just push it.
Have you ever noticed that the wheel isn't hooked up to anything? (gasps) The rumors were true! But your work does produce something very special human misery which, when collected, ground into a powder and snorted, gives rich people tiny wings that do nothing.
So if you help me, it reduces my suffering, which means less wing powder for my betters.
I'm glad we had this talk.
- But I really need the money - Flit-flit.
Thank you for your time.
Mm (knocking) (groans) Hi, Azzlan.
Marge, my child.
I've come to offer solace in this difficult time.
You mean convert me to your religion when I'm at my most vulnerable? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm just here to ask you an important question.
Have you heard the news? Yes, yes.
I will be saved.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
I'm just going to leave you with this literature, praise God I can't go home and face your mom without the money for that amulet.
In here.
Do you have your lucky lead nugget? Always.
A lead-lick a day keeps the doctor a-blah (wind whistling) (gasps) Gold.
Sweet, sweet gold! Why didn't you ever tell us you could do magic? Because if the king finds out, he'll take me away and force me to be one of his evil wizards! You necromancing nitwits! I wanted an all-seeing eye, not this! (sniffing) No daughter of mine is gonna end up in the hex trade.
- (nose sneezes) - Now, let's go buy that amulet.
And don't worry, mum's the word.
Did you say "The Word"? Hmm? Ah? Hmm? (Lisa and Homer groan) - Hi, Azzlan.
- Hi, Azzlan.
(grunts) 12-nothing.
My serve.
You know, eventually, you're gonna run out of us.
I said, my serve.
Mom, I've got a surprise for you.
Thanks to who? I said it when I was 11, and I'll say it now.
You're the greatest husband in the world.
- Mm - (gasps) Where'd a dirt-poor loser like you get all the gold for that? (chuckles): Oh, well let's just say I strangled a leprechaun.
I'm not wearing that.
But without it, you'll die.
- Fine by me.
- What?! I want to die.
(groans): Oh, typical! "I want to live, I want to die.
" Just make up your mind they're both terrible.
Oh, I've lived a full life.
I saw a drawing of an ocean, I watched my daughter marry an ogre.
I am not an ogre.
My father married an ogre after my mother was eaten by a different ogre.
You're my mom.
I can't bear the thought of saying good-bye.
(sighs) You want me to live, I'll live.
(ringing) Let's celebrate! I'll roast a hobbit for dinner.
Mmm Bet you a packet of South Farthing pipe weed she picks me, Gaffer.
Hush now, lad.
The big folk will choose who's tastiest and no mistake.
Ow! Ooh! Hey! How do you know you got them from me? SNERFS: We miss you! We miss you, too! Love you! Love you more! (Snerfs giggling) Ow, ow, ow! Hmm.
Is it really so bad for Grandma if she dies? Won't she spend eternity in the Fields of Bliss? - (grunts) - SNAKE: Ow! Yeah.
We're all going to the Fields of Bliss, where the days are passed in frolic most joyous.
BART: Just frolicking? That's it? HOMER: Sometimes, you wave ribbons through the air.
But mainly, frolicking.
Doesn't that get old? Did I mention the ribbons? 'Cause there's ribbons.
Fields of Bliss? Nonsense.
The afterlife is an eternity of slaughtering and being slaughtered by your enemies.
Oh, yeah.
You're both wrong.
After death, you spend all day counting Goblin Jesus's money.
(chuckles) And it better all be there.
71 mermaids.
Some where the fish is the top part.
(laughs): Top.
Everywhere, mushrooms.
(grunts) Frolicking and ribbons! Yeah, but what if after we die, that's it? We're just gone? (all gasping) So just poof? Really? Poof, and then just super nothing? Mm-mm? Well, it's clean.
I'll give you that.
(rocking chair squeaking) Oh, yeah.
This is way better than death.
Come on, Mom.
There's so many things we can say to each other now.
Oh, really? Okay, then, say them.
I'm waiting.
Um Well (chuckles) What about you guys? What do you want to ask your grandma? I got nothing.
I'm gonna take a stroll and enjoy the golden age of cleavage.
Lisa? Um uh Oh! Well, Grandma, tell us of your most ardent swain.
I dated a shape-shifter once.
I thought I could keep him from changing.
I was wrong.
Love is a fairy tale! Oh.
Uh Every moment with her is a precious gift.
Yes, it is.
All that matters is that we're a family and we're together.
(all gasping) Sorcerer-intendent Chalmers.
Your daughter has been detected using witchcraft.
Under the Magic: The Gathering Act, she is hereby property of the crown.
What? My daughter isn't a magician.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, but she is.
Yes, the moment that she transmuted lead into gold, our palantirs they just went bananas.
I've never seen palantirs go so bananas.
It was the only way.
I just didn't want you to be sad about Grandma.
(gasps) Oh, no.
This is all my fault.
Don't blame yourself, honey.
We're all at fault for doing whatever it takes to make you happy.
- (gasps) - Help! You can't nap my kid! That's kidnapping! Toenail Imprisonum! D'oh! Lisa's magic? Maybe I'm magic, too! Abra-carumba! Yeah, just grab a stick and say a funny word.
Yeah, that's not insulting to us at all.
Please don't take my daughter.
She was only trying to save her grandmother.
She sounds like a wonderful kid.
Now please say good-bye to her forever.
Take a peasant, leave a peasant.
She's gone.
Lisa's gone.
Clip me out of here, Marge.
I'm gonna rescue Lisa if I have to kill every noble in that castle.
But Dad, serfs can't rise up against nobles.
You'd be attacking the system itself.
And nobody loves feudalism more than you.
Son, feudalism is a beautiful vision.
The Bill of No Rights.
One person, no vote.
But I'm willing to betray all that to get my daughter back.
Hey, you mind if I dissolve those? Uh, just checking.
Better to ask.
Better to ask.
Peasants, peons, and distinguished beggars! (chortling) Aren't you tired of the nobles taking the wheat we sow, the yarn we spin, and the wine we steal from travelers we murder on the road? They even take our children.
And not just the worthless Barts, but the magical Lisas.
(all murmuring agreement) If we can put a moon-spangled hat on a man, why can't we kill a bunch of rich jerks and take their stuff?! (all cheering) (grunting) - (grunts) - (squeals) (grunts) (clamoring, shouting) (shouting stops) How are we going to get over these walls? Walls cannot stop us.
The trees will fight with you.
We will never forget your sacrifice.
Sacrifice? We could have torn down the castle walls in five minutes.
(chuckles) Trees can't talk, silly.
(clamoring, shouting) (yelling, grunting) (pig squealing) LISA: Mom! Dad! Help! Milhouses, save your girlfriend! ALL: Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Okay, no, um I'm just a friend who is a girl.
ALL: It's something to build on.
(dragon roars) You peasants are a drag-on the economy.
Oh! I get it.
Because he's riding a dragon! Aah! My love for wordplay is undiminished! - (gasps) Aah! - (screaming) Oh, no! We're losing.
We need to talk.
- Now? - Yes, now.
It's time for me to go.
- (gasps) - Life is about moving forward.
Girls want to be women, women want to be mothers, mothers want to be grandmas, and grandmas want to know what comes next.
But what if I'm not ready? I wouldn't leave you if I didn't know you'll be all right.
Okay, Mom.
I understand.
Maybe I was born a peasant, but I'm going out an ice queen.
(gasps) (groans) Ouch.
Now we won! (all cheering) - Oh! - Mm.
My mom gave her life to save ours.
Take comfort, Marge.
Now she's in the Fields of Bliss.
No, she's in Goblin Money Heaven.
The afterlife is snakes chewing your eyes, but it feels good.
SNERFS: This is our heaven! (sighs): Oh.
Or, as long as Grandma lives on in our hearts, then she's never truly gone.
Until we die.
Then it's like she never existed.
And, someday, no one will remember you.
Or anybody.
All is well the nobles are defeated, the dragon is dead, and I've got a daughter who can turn lead into gold! Ooh.
Um, actually, I can't anymore.
Dragon fire is the source of all magic.
And Grandma killed the last one.
Everything wondrous and extraordinary about our world is going to fade.
(all gasp) But maybe now we can use science to improve our world.
With new technologies, we can put an end to poverty and disease.
Sure, it'll be hard work, but far more rewarding than waving your hand over a rock to change it into gold.
(chuckles) I mean Please come back, magic! Live, damn you, live.
(dragon groans) - (all cheer) - I am risen! But what about science? Oh, sweetie, who would want to live in a world without magic? It would be so boring.
People would have to make up fantasy stories Most of them poorly-written pretenses for explicit sex and violence.
just to escape the tedious real world.
That does sound awful.
Look! The dragon is burning our village.
(laughs) I love our life.
Dry your tears A journey's end The saga's done We part as friends We must away We cannot tarry The minstrel's burden Is ours to carry All other stories Will ever pale For we have sung The perfect tale.

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