The Simpsons s29e08 Episode Script

Mr. Lisa's Opus

1 D'oh! [GRUNTS] [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] - Here's your raise.
- D'oh! Light! Light! Light! - LISA: Light! - [MARGE GROANS] - It's your turn to get up.
- Light.
Oh.
I'll never understand how something that came from inside of you became my responsibility.
[BOTH GRUNTING] - [GRUNTS] Mm.
- Out! Light! Daddy.
Breakfast.
Geez, this kid's kind of smart.
Tuesday.
Au-Autumn.
- [GASP] She's a genius.
- Foliage.
Like the guy who invented shoes with lights in them.
LISA: Cornucopia? [CHUCKLES] Aw, sweetie, it's no surprise you're awesome.
We didn't have to pull you out by the elbow, like the boy.
Mwah.
[HUMMING] D'oh! [RESUMES HUMMING] [KEYS CLACKING, BELL DINGING] Harvard College, admissions essay.
Lisa M.
Simpson.
I was born with one great advantage in life A voice that would make a rhino stick its horn up its butt? Rhinos are extinct, nimrod.
Not hippos.
I just saw one in smelly, blue pants.
Why you little I'm not little.
I'm 20, and I live at home.
- [CHOKING] Oh, man.
- Why you disappointing You know you're choking someone who can vote.
- But did you vote? - No.
- Why you little - Oh, come on, man.
not voting fascist-enabling [BART GAGGING] HOMER: Must stop President Kid Rock.
I was born with one great advantage, a family that never made anything easy.
Never more than on my seventh birthday.
- [GRUNTING] - [CHOKING] [GASPS] It's my birthday! Seven years old! I'll wear my favorite blue dress.
I'll wear red, just for today.
It's my birthday.
I want bacon! [NOISY MUNCHING SOUNDS] - Shh! - [SLURPING] I can't get Maggie to sleep.
I guess I'll just have to start using these.
[FRANTIC SUCKING] Whoa, okay, okay.
That's enough for now.
[GRUNTS] Geez, come on.
[GRUMBLING] Don't make me put you under warm water.
I give up.
[GROANS] [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] Anyone have anything to say to me? - Well, of course, honey.
- [GIGGLES] Get ready for school or you'll be late.
[LISA GROANS] Oy, this baby.
Lisa, sweetie, I know why you're excited.
This is a very big day.
- Happy - [GASPS] hour at Moe's was extended by an hour.
- Wh-What? - Mwah.
Happy hour at Moe's Now he'll never close.
[VACUUM WHIRRING] - [VACUUM TURNS OFF] - [MARGE SIGHS] [MOANS SADLY] [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] Class, today is a very special day.
It's someone's birthday.
Someone whose parents pretended to forget.
Yes.
And that someone is Hubert Wong.
Happy birthday, superstar.
[LISA SOBS] Lisa, please don't ruin Hubert's birthday.
You wouldn't like it if someone ruined yours.
[GASPING CRIES] I am sorry, but if you can't control yourself, I'll have to send you to the office.
But you saying that makes me wants to cry more.
[CRYING] [MOANS] Mmm! No, Hubert.
No cupcake for her.
Lisa, school is a place for sitting quietly.
What about learning? No longer part of our mandate.
Did your mom ever disappoint you? This isn't about mother, so don't say a mother word about her.
Don't you dare, Mother, don't you dare.
Ah.
It's just me, a student.
- I can't hear you, Mother.
- [WHIMPERS] She's everywhere and everyone.
I'm everywhere because you're nothing.
Thanks for getting me out of work, sweetie.
- Want the rest of my donut? - No, sir.
[STAMMERS] What? Aw, please tell me what's wrong.
I can't tell you.
You just have to know.
- Would tickling help matters? - No.
Well, that's really all I have in my toolbox.
Okay, let me think.
What's today? Tuesday? Yes.
That would make you six years and 365 days old.
Yes.
It's your birthday! And you forgot it, Lisa.
But because it's your birthday, I forgive you.
And you're gonna have the best day ever.
Optimism, you're back.
- [HORN HONKS] - Attention, world.
It's little Lisa's birthday, and you all forgot.
- Not me.
- [GROANS] Now I suppose I got to get your kid something.
Just remember them in your prayers.
Both of them? Fine.
ALL: Happy birthday, dear Lisa Happy birthday to you We all forgot.
[FLAMES SIZZLING] And all was well, until the next year, when they forgot again.
I mean, really, two in a row? Even Luigi remembers it.
Well, we have-a the same-a birthday.
Makes it easy.
You, me, and Hubert Wong.
That's a-right, Hubert.
Cupcake for her.
As I got older I realized, as all must, that my parents were not demigods.
[ROBOTIC VOICE]: You are going to die soon.
Shut up.
[ROBOTIC VOICE]: You are going to die soon.
Shut up.
[ROBOTIC VOICE]: Blood pressure spiking.
Shut up! - Calling your doctor.
- [PHONE DIALING, LINE RINGING] DR.
HIBBERT: Hello? [LAUGHING] Shut up! No, they are a man and a woman trapped in a fragile marriage that nearly fell apart when I turned 14.
Happy birthday! Happy birthday! I remembered! Don't tell your therapist.
Lisa, it's your birthday Here's five brand-new verses Soon you'll be a woman Soon you'll be in love Who'd be better to take advice from Than a man who wears one glove? [IMITATING MICHAEL JACKSON] Hee-hee! Lisa, it's your birthday Happy birthday, Lisa Lisa, it's your birthday Happy birthday, Lisa.
- Yeah.
- HOMER: Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
It's a wonderful cake, Dad, but I'm 14.
D'oh! Happy birthday, Lisa.
We miss you in second grade.
Oh, someday you'll get out of there, Ralph.
I don't want to.
I'm bigger than teacher.
I broke my desk.
Teacher cry.
I'm growing a mustache under my long nose.
[GRUNTS] Better use Mom's closet.
Oof.
It's full? Read me.
Read me.
Come on, help a letter out.
[MOANS] "Dear Homer, By the time you read this" MARGE: I will be gone.
Since we married, you've changed.
Not once for the better.
What's it say? I can't read.
MARGE: So I'm taking the kids and opening a bed-and-breakfast.
[SPEAKING GERMAN] MARGE: Bitterly, Marge.
[GASPS] Is Mom really leaving Dad? [GASPS] So, you finally left him.
Well, good for me and good for you.
I finally learned how to unhook a bra with one hand.
MARGE: Lisa, I know what you're doing.
[GASPS] You're hiding when you're supposed to help me give the dog a bath.
Mom, Mom! [WHIMPERS] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, God bless you, inertia.
- Not until I wash this dog.
- [BURPS] [WHISPERS] Bart, Mom's leaving Dad.
Oh, the poor guy.
Please let me tell him, please.
BART: Pass the gravy.
We used to call it "grave," but that was too scary.
So we modified it to "gravy," unless it had meat chunks.
In which case, it was "gravier," but the war changed everything.
Ugh.
I wish you wouldn't drink so much in front of the kids.
Marge, I tried to drink in the pantry, but you claim that's antisocial.
Ugh.
Why don't you just go to Moe's? You want me to go to a bar on my daughter's birthday? That is so messed up.
I'm going, of course, but it is so messed up.
Happy birthday.
[DOOR SLAMS] [MARGE GROANS] [CRYING QUIETLY] Harvard will save me.
Harvard will save me.
Kiss me, Lisa, in front of the hall my grandfather endowed.
He made his money in opium, but we said it was molasses.
[MARGE CRYING] First, I have to save my parents' marriage.
Wait here in this fantasy? Yeah, can we, um, you know, see other people? Sure.
[MARGE CRYING] [CRYING CONTINUES] [ELECTRICAL CRACKLING] [BELL JINGLES] Man, Moe, you sure are spry.
[STAMMERS] The job keeps me young, eh.
Dad! Mom is gonna leave you.
Sweetie, marriages are like water heaters they sit peacefully for years until they explode in a fireball ruining everything you own.
Mom packed her bags.
Which suitcase? The one with the broken wheel? Because she won't get more than a block away with that.
She fixed the wheel.
Oh, God! [CRYING] - Dad, you've got to shape up.
- Hmm? I'm 14-years-old.
These next four years are the last memories I'll have of all of us together.
I'll do anything you say, sweetie.
I want you to stop drinking.
Stop drinking? But that's like asking a golfer to stop drinking.
- [MOANS] - I never thought I'd say this, but I'd better text my sponsor.
Homer's got a sponsor? Uh, what idiot would lean into that buzz saw? Hey, hey! I'm the man from A-diddly-A! Ned, I have to quit drinking.
Now! All right, soberino, it's just 12 simple steps.
Oh, 12? Fine.
Nine.
Oh! Okay, step one: Admit you're powerless.
I'm powerless.
Boom! Done.
Step two: Admit there is a power greater than yourself.
Um, if I'm powerless, isn't every power greater than myself? This is the 12 steps, not 20 questions.
Now, make a decision to turn your life to God.
[SCOFFS] God.
He's in every deal, like undercoating.
Fine.
Make a searching moral inventory of yourself.
If I have one tiny flaw, it's that I have many enormous flaws.
Admit the nature of your wrongs.
Well, I'm not the best parallel parker.
Are you ready for God to remove these defects? Dear Lord, the Satan of Heaven, I order you to fix me.
Okay, I'm just gonna fast-forward through this.
- Make amends.
- Here's your wallet.
- Engage in prayer.
- I pray you're not mad.
And have a spiritual awakening.
[GASPS] Things that cost $9.
99 are really ten dollars! The Lord has spoken, and it is good! That's it.
No more drinking.
[CLICKING TONGUE] Look at those, guys.
I used to be like them.
[LAUGHS] Oh, I'm overjoyed for thee.
Call me anytime you hear the devil's seductive voice.
MOE: Homer? [SINGSONGY] Homer [DEEPER] Homer [DEEP, DISTORTED] How's about a Flaming Moe? [CHUCKLES EVILLY] Drink me! I'm the most overpriced thing at Universal Studios! No! I won't do it! Lisa, sweetie, let's celebrate your birthday! Yes! HOMER: Ah, honey.
- [MOANING] - I'm so sorry.
I miss you so much.
LISA: He did quit, for good, and it was the best birthday present I ever got.
Well, the essay is pretty trite.
But her grades are perfect, her extracurricular's stellar, and she'll be the first from her state, ever.
Admit! And now for our instantaneous letter of acceptance.
[WHIRRING] [FANFARE PLAYS] [GASPS] I'm in! And I accept! [GASPS, GROANS] I'm here! And it's Ivy-er than my Ivy-est dreams.
- Lisa Simpson.
- Lisa Simpson? Hmm, I'm sorry, but there must be some mistake.
- Oh, no! - Ha! Gotcha! My one moment of superiority before a lifetime of begging you for money.
[TIRES SQUEAL] [TIRES SCREECH] Come on, sweetie, let me carry you over the threshold.
[LAUGHS] Dad! That's for weddings.
I think Dad's turning into Grampa.
Hey, I don't need [LIKE GRAMPA] to listen to that hooey! Because I make tie clips out of maple syrup, but only for Flag Day! By the sea, by the sea By the beautiful sea This is great we don't have to visit Grampa anymore.
[WHIRRING, BEEPING] [ROBOTIC VOICE]: Chug, chug, chug.
[SLURRING]: Really, man, I've had enough.
[ROBOTIC VOICE]: The hazing ends when we say it ends.
Do you need any help unpacking? Mom, I need to learn to do these things for myself.
[WHIRRING, CLICKING] Sorry, friend, you can't pahk your cah in Hahvahd Yahd.
I can't what my what in what what what? You can't pahk - Yes? - in Hahvahd Yahd.
- Are you on Novocain? - Yes, but recreationally.
Now, move your craptastic cah.
[HOMER AND MARGE GRUMBLE] - [DOOR OPENS] - Hi.
I'm Caitlyn.
[GASPS] My roommate.
So, you play an instrument? Bari sax.
- Are you good? - I played at Kenny G's funeral.
Ooh, she's pretty impressive.
Uh any childhood heartbreak? My parents forgot my birthday three times.
She beats me at everything! I don't belong here.
While you were feeling inferior, I took the top bunk.
[EXASPERATED GRUNT] ROBOT: Stroke, stroke, stroke [SIGHS SADLY] I'm not even gonna make it through freshman week.
- Hey, little sister.
- Well! At least you're having a good time.
Yeah, these girls want me to piss off their parents before they head home.
[MOANING] Get away from him, Mandy! I'll pay! I'll pay! Tell him I have two kids.
The beauty part is, it's not a lie.
You always know what to say, Bart.
Well, try this.
I've known you all your life, and if there's one thing I know, it's that you belong here.
You're gonna study harder, you're gonna ask better questions, you're gonna get into their brains like an earworm and chew, chew, chew! [DISGUSTED GROAN] Now, make Mom and Dad proud.
And then I'll make 'em proud.
- But you first.
- Thank you.
This is it.
I'm on my own for the rest of my life.
[SOBBING NEARBY] Huh? Are you my roommate, too? For now.
Till they kick me out.
Everyone thinks they're not gonna make it.
I already got kicked out of a psycho single 'cause my roommate didn't like me.
[DEEPLY]: She used all the "shampoo"! [CHUCKLES] I just think you're funny.
[CHUCKLES] So I suppose you want to tell me your SATs.
Very much.
But I won't.
Tell me about you.
I'm already homesick.
I was always the kid that didn't fit in.
Middle child.
Artsy.
And I play the most unpopular instrument there is: the jazz clarinet.
Hmm! [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ] You know your way around a licorice stick, kid.
You blow a mean fish hook yourself, sister! - Let's talk normal now.
- Thank you.
You know, today I was hoping I would meet - A lifelong friend? - Yes! Here I am.
730 verbal, 790 math, 800 telekinesis.
[HIGH-PITCHED WHIRR] 740 verbal, 780 math, and I speak fluent cat! [MEOWS] I have a friend! Oh.
Maybe more than a friend.
After that day, I never looked back except for all the time I just spent looking back.
[CHUCKLES] But I never doubted that who I am was good enough.
[UPBEAT SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING] Light! Light! Sweetie, you're one year old, and you're already the most amazing thing I ever did.
Daddy happy.
Daddy very happy.
Daddy euphoric! Aw.
She's making up words.
[TO ALL IN THE FAMILY THEME]: Boy, the way Nirvana played Steroids caused a hit parade Beanie Babies had it made Those were the days And we had real heroes then Like Jar Jar Binks and Qui-Gon Jinn Mister, we could use a man Like Richard Simmons again Watching films like Gilbert Grape Then rewinding all the tape Gee, our modem dialed up great [IMITATING MODEM DIALING UP LOUDLY] Those were the days Very nice.
See you in court.
LISA: Light! Light! Light!