The Simpsons s29e10 Episode Script

Haw-Haw Land

Another Springfield day A truly perfect place to see your dreams just fade away Working at the plant's fried everything inside my pants Good-bye to all romance All I've got to show for 20 years or so is you - Carl! - Prescription pain pills! I have a law degree For years I've smelled just like cat pee This town just drags you down She's completely lost her head And we will eat her when she's dead It really shouldn't be too long - Cats! Cats! Cats! - She'll be our dinner This truly is an awful town The water's green, the sky is brown Pope Francis came, he turned around Our strongest bridge just holds ten pounds We're poisoned by a greedy clown Kang-a-roo meat! Traffic suffers from paralysis Please.
I'm late for my dialysis.
It's another Springfield day Oh, oh, oh, oh I'm too sad to say olé Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh We've lost our coolest gays Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Duffman thinks this town's okay! Oh, oh, oh, oh It's another Springfield day! [PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
Lenny's a survivor! LISA: This will be a perfect day No way to go outside and play And so we're on our way To a very nerdy science conference Ba-ba ba-ba-dum ba-dum, ba-ba Bum-bum, ba-ba-dum, ba-da, ba-ba Take it Bart! If you're givin' it, I don't want it.
Bring it home, boy.
My sister sucks! Nyah, nyah.
It's another perfect day! I brought my stems.
Sir, this is a conference of Science, Technology, Engineering and Math.
What about this one? Dialogue on Pediatric Education.
I find this claim highly doyvik.
It's all true according to the highly-prestigious Institute for Purchased Science.
Here's our top scientist now.
Sir, I-I don't think this is fooling anyone.
Quiet! And put on the monocle, Professor Noodle-Strudel.
- So where's your booth? - I don't have one.
- I just came here for fun.
- Fun?! One child, please.
I was here first.
If disco's dead, I don't want to live.
It's Stuicide! Self-unrolling yoga mats.
Artificial intelligence that writes TV recaps.
Stranger Things suffers from season two fatigue.
And look! IMAX Al Gore! If every family could just reduce their carbon footprint by ten percent Oh, it's hopeless.
The floods are comin', people! This is my Woodstock! [WOOZY LAUGH.]
You okay, honey? [SLURRING WORDS.]
It's fine.
It's fine.
I'm just intellectually drunk.
I guess that's okay.
Marge, Marge, Marge, you lighten up.
It's science.
Maybe you should sit down.
I ain't sittin'.
I'm ready to fly! Hmm.
Hey, kid, I want to show you something.
Are you a pervert? No.
A chemical engineer.
No! I used to be like you.
You mean incredibly bored? Oh, let's see if you think this is boring.
I drop a little water on powdered sodium BART: Huh?! Wow! Listen, I don't know what you're teaching, but you and I have great chemistry.
Except for the lab coat.
It makes you look kind of heavy.
I actually am kind of heavy, and it makes me look thinner! I don't know what could make this day more perfect.
You didn't applaud.
Here, I'll show ya how it goes.
Thank you.
No selfies.
LISA: In a lesser musician, that boy's attitude would be needy masquerading as arrogance.
I'm leaving if he can't sing.
I've had my share of crazy flings But they all end up leavin' And leavin', well, it really stings LISA: Oh, God.
He's one small step away from destroying all my logic and reason.
MILHOUSE: Hey, Lisa.
I brought you three waters: cold, lukewarm and warm.
- That's nice.
Any sparkling? - Damn it! Hi! I'm Lisa Simpson and I'm nervous about saying anything that will ruin this perfect moment.
My name's Brendan.
Oh, good, good.
No last names.
Don't want things moving too fast.
Oh! I hope our children get his hair.
Now to subtly find out how old he is.
How old are you? Well, I'm 11, but I'm insouciant at a 12th grade level, and I'm talented, too.
So unfair, right? That's amazing, because the boys I know are re I've got sparkling! Sorry, I'm not thirsty anymore.
Damn it! Um, so w-where do you go to school? I just moved here.
I'm starting next week at a school called Springfield Elementary.
I see it got a few dreadful reviews on Yelp.
This guy called "Gary Chalmers" gave it half a star.
Bloody hell! Of all the K through sixes in this world, you had to walk into mine.
A beautiful hotel bar! Just like in The Shining! Oh, hi, lee tle girl.
If you see your ma uh, ma wife, tell her Homer not your dad wants the credit card.
I will sir.
- Sir? I'm your dad.
: Today, we are performing an experiment that we humorously call "making elephant toothpaste.
" Boy, the Germans sure know their humor.
Let's just hope they know something about chemistry.
First, add a tablespoon of dish soap to hydrogen peroxide, then add the warm water and the yeast! [EXPLOSION.]
Aah! German chemistry! - [WHIMPERING.]
Sounds great, Lisa.
Really great.
You're just a little behind the beat.
Uh, maybe you're a little ahead? Aw, you're so cute when you're wrong.
- Channel that rage! - No! Make that reed pay for my sins! [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ.]
- HOMER: Knock off that racket! It's not a racket! It's the truest American art form! Banging on the walls is the truest American art form, and I'm a Picasso! [BANGING RHYTHMICALLY TO MUSIC.]
Oh, no! They're playing in time to the beat of my banging! Well, then stop banging.
I can't.
The rhythm is infectious.
Here's the school trophy case.
If you look closely, it's empty.
They're actually decals on the glass.
- Oh, hello, Lisa.
- [GASPS.]
I see you have a new friend.
Brendan, this is Nelson.
Lisa, you sure know a lot of weird guys.
Hello, Brenda.
Excuse me.
Why is being a girl an insult? Ah! So evolved! Lisa, are you squishy for this ding-dong? Lisa, does that fat kid like you? [LAUGHS.]
Whatever we had, it's in the past.
I think there's something in the water in this town.
Oh, man.
On a playground I tripped [GIRLS SIGH.]
Then I saw you and flipped He used "flipped" with a double meaning! Bastard! Now I'm skippin' And trippin' for you.
He turned his suffering into entertainment, just like the Jewish people! Nothing can ruin this moment.
Make way.
Dead gophers.
How can you be sleeping?! [GRUNTING.]
Oh, thank God.
Meanwhile, Bart's teacher says he has a flair for chemistry.
Why that little Wait.
Flair? Isn't that a good thing? Yes.
It's too good.
Why don't you ask him what he's up to? Because if he lies to me, it's like a dagger in my heart.
What happens when I mean if I ever lie to you? Can you find out what he's really up to? - I will.
- See? That's a lie right there.
D'oh! Okay, I really will.
- That's also a lie.
- D'oh! Fine.
I really, really, really will.
Finally, the truth.
HOMER: Keeping promise.
Stupid tree house.
So far off the ground.
Uh, Dad, you haven't even started to climb yet.
I have to visualize it first.
Thanks, guys.
Ah, no problem.
Why did we do that, Chief? Fat man courtesy, Lou.
Fat man courtesy.
Son, how do I put this? Are you breaking bad up here? No, I'm not.
And if you're looking for meth, go see Cletus.
- What?! - [BEEPS.]
Meth Life, proud sponsor of the 2020 Opioid Olympics! [SQUEALS.]
Ooh, that's street ready! Dad, I'm just trying to follow in your footsteps.
You work in science, and I think that's really cool.
Wow, you've never said that to me before.
Do you want to go to work with me today? You can help me research my theory that the chairs can go flat.
I'd like to, but I've got to do some colloidal titration.
Marge, it's worse than we thought.
He's speaking in tongues.
He's a religious weirdo.
The worst thing there is.
Cover your eyes, boys I'm about to flip Mr.
Simpson the "Flanders finger.
" [GASPS.]
You mean Yup a thumbs-up without a friendly wink.
You have a credit card? Yeah, but no money.
Oh, a true jazz musician.
Just give the ice cream back.
No way.
It was really hard to scoop.
Prepare to have your ears belted.
My funny valentine Sweet, comic valentine Nelson? You make me smile With my heart Stop! Why are you doing this? I don't know.
There's no good word for what I feel.
Scared and excited at the same time.
There is a word: vulnerable.
"Vulner-able"? Yup.
I always liked you, but now I'm seeing you in a new light.
Your looks are laughable Haw-haw! Unphotographable But you're my favorite [OFF-KEY.]
: Work of art [LOW.]
: Art [LOWER.]
: Art [WAY OFF-KEY.]
: Art.
Nailed it.
And so now there's a jazz war over me.
It's pretty bad.
But it's pretty great.
Scotland once had two queens fightin' over her.
Loser got Scotland.
Of course, Brendan is the superior artist.
But that kind of intimidates me.
And Nelson's rough, but he's sweet.
Plus he thinks I have dimples.
Dimples? It's that serious? - [SCOTTISH ACCENT.]
: Aye.
- Let me give ye advice on love.
The Scottish national flower is the thistle.
A humble weed.
Legend has it that the Norse King Haakon staged a surprise invasion.
But his barefooted army stepped on thistles, and their screams awakened the sleepy Scots.
Many a Norwegian lass lamented their dead lover - on that glorious day.
- SKINNER: Willie, someone spiked the teachers' vodka with sulfuric acid.
Superintendent Chalmers lost the tip of his tongue.
Kin-ner! [SIGHS.]
Lisa, this is a song about you.
- A kid who's almost there.
And when you get there, you'll blow the roof off.
Yeah, well, I brought my washboard.
You took our washboard.
I got thongs to scrub.
I really can't believe that this is a choice.
I mean, look at me.
And look at him.
And then look back at me.
Hmm, they're quiet.
Too quiet.
Now they're loud.
Too loud.
Now they're just right.
Too just right.
Are you sure Bart's not planning anything? A boy takes his cues from his mother.
If I trust him, then he'll be good.
Hey, don't knock my mother's method complete abandonment from age five.
The school talent show.
And on the back, chemical equations.
Still think he's innocent? We'll just have to go there and see.
You wanted rock candy, you got rock candy.
Brendan and Nelson are fighting.
I'm getting Daddy's gun to under-arrest them.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna call you decrescendo, 'cause you're goin' down.
Nelson, that's clever.
For you, I read a book.
All right, Ralphie, easy, easy.
Give Daddy back his hat.
Oh, you missed everything, just like Daddy.
Ugh, so many clams.
Well, you're gonna look very nice for the show tonight.
It doesn't matter how I look, I'm not ready.
I've been so distracted by those boys.
How did you choose Dad? And never regret it? HOMER: Marge, I might've swallowed a couple of your earrings.
Gotta go.
I do not want to know how you got these back.
So, we're really doing it.
We're going to a talent show where Bart is putting on a chemistry demonstration.
Have I got that right? If our faces get melted off today, I want the last thing Bart sees to be us believing in him.
Fine, fine.
Let me just finish my will.
Oh, it's good to have that taken care of.
Haw-haw-haw, haw-haw-haw, haw.
Nelson? A word? Take five, Martin.
I'm not even in your act.
- I said take five.
Ooh! Nelson, I cherish our unhealthy relationship.
Especially the fact that I can tell you the truth.
Kiddo, you're not a singer.
Okay, fine, I won't sing.
But I'll still perform.
That's how much I want to hold your stupid hand.
You're up, Nelson.
I'm the school bully.
Aw, don't be a dingus.
I'm the next Charlie Mingus.
- [GASPS.]
Could I really choose him? [GASPS.]
My choice is clear: Brendan.
- MAN: Ooh, yeah, I feel the groove.
Next contestant, Brendan Beiderbecke.
And Brendan wins! [LISPING.]
Not so fast.
We have a disqualification.
This young man does not live in the district.
Right, his home is 50 feet into West Springfield, which means he will be transferred to a school three buses and a long bike ride away from here.
- Brendan - No, Lisa.
I can't put you through that.
I guess this relationship is over until this town invests in mass transit.
I'll never see him again.
Lisa, I'm glad you didn't choose me.
No woman is worth learning music.
All this time I've been choosing jazz over doing my reps.
Well, my reps never let me down.
Lift weights, get dates.
Lift weights, get dates.
Well, I guess I'm alone for the moment.
And I like it.
- Good for Lisa.
- She's better off alone.
She doesn't need a man.
Wait a minute, everybody.
Even though the most interesting and emotionally compelling part is over, we still have one performer who says he will "blow you away.
" So please welcome the original Dennis the Chemist, Bart Simpson.
Drop the beaker, Screwy Pasteur.
I wasn't doing anything bad.
Pour the beaker and you'll see.
We are not gonna let you mix those chemicals.
We got a tip from an anonymous source named Seymour Skinner.
Do you even know what "anonymous" means? Uh, helpful? [MARGE GROANS.]
Mom, I'm innocent.
You believe me, don't you? Oh, if he's lying, I'll never forgive him.
If he's telling the truth, he'll never forgive me.
Glad I'm not you.
Bart, sweetie, I'll pour the beaker for you.
ALL: Ooh! Ah! He's innocent.
But then who put the sulfuric acid in Superintendent Chalmers' drink? I did.
- Willie! Why? - Why? Because, Seymour, I was trying to kill you.
Well, that's okay.
Good man.
- But - Quiet, Seymour.
The man's got a dream.
I never doubted you.
Well, you should have.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
This episode was supposed to have been a parody of Moonlight, not La La Land.
Moonlight? But none of us have seen it.
We have the DVD.
We could watch it tonight.
Either that or X-Men: Apocalypse.
ALL: X-Men! I'd like to see Moonlight.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode