The Simpsons s29e13 Episode Script

3 Scenes plus a Tag from a Marriage

1 Your face Is like a song Your sweet eyes whisper And I want to sing along Your features Are in tune Let's sing together And turn every month to June Your face hums Makes me a happy fella No more Singin' a capella No Longer lonely Lovin' you only Your lips With mine will rhyme And when they touch me It's a symphony divine Your cheeks Your ears, your hair Weave me a melody A melody so rare Your face hums Makes me a happy fella No more Singin' a capella No Longer lonely Lovin' you only Okay, movie's over.
The superheroes are friends again.
Let's get out of here.
We can't leave before the post-credits sequence.
Why does Jeremy Renner need two assistants? Shh.
Here comes the sequence.
The Avengers were too strong for us, my Lord.
- [BART AND LISA GASP] - What? Who's that? That's Spider-Man's Uncle Ben.
He was alive the whole time.
And evil.
With great power, comes no responsibility.
[EVIL LAUGH] Finally.
What? You saw it.
That was a mid-credit scene.
There's more.
Who the hell are you? I'm assembling a team of the best team assemblers in the world.
And I want you to help me put together that team.
Assemblers assemble! [GRUNTING]: Time.
To.
Go.
But there's two more credit sequences.
When I was a kid, movies ended when they ended.
The only reason you stayed for the credits was to see who sang "The Power of Love.
" And it was usually Huey Lewis.
I liked the first post-credit sequence the best.
I liked the fifth.
Pipe down.
I'm trying to listen to preseason minor league baseball.
ANNOUNCER: And with the last of the Isotopes pitchers receiving Tommy John surgery on the mound, that's the ball game.
Good night, everybody.
[HORNS HONKING] Stupid baseball traffic.
I'm taking a shortcut home.
[WHOOPS] Kids, look.
We used to live here before we were married.
It's the old Beef Rendering District.
Ah, yes, Tallow-town.
At the end of every factory tour, they gave you a free glass of blood.
Huh, it's really gentrified.
Oh, a store where you grind and flavor your own house made toothpaste.
Ooh.
[SMACKS LIPS] Mmm.
Terrible.
[GASPS] There's our old building.
Look.
Our fifth floor walk-up apartment.
[LAUGHS] Dad, you walked up five floors every day? No.
I took the elevator to the top of the building next door, then crawled across a plank to our roof.
Hey! I pioneered that trail! Yeah, great.
Thank you, Kit Carson.
Kids, you want to check out our old apartment? Huh? Huh? I can tell from your tone that we're going either way.
I have one tone.
Hi.
You don't know me, but I'm Marge Simpson.
Oh, yeah, I recognize that name.
In fact, we still get mail for you.
MARGE: Mm.
Ooh.
[LAUGHS] Aw.
Oh, thank God.
A list of 101 new choking hazards.
[GASPS] Pacifiers? [MARGE GROANS] [GASPING] No! No.
Maggie! [GROANS] Oh, here.
So can I get you anything? Weed? Edibles? Pudding with a joint in the center? But we need you out by 7:00.
We Airbnb this place every night while we stay at a cheaper Airbnb.
Mmm.
Disruptive.
Before Homer and I got married, we had amazing times here.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, right.
Like you could possibly ever have fun without us.
It was a wonderful time.
- We were living the DINK life.
- Dink? - DINK: dual income, no kids.
- Oh, DINK.
How come you can say dink when you're talking about your jobs, but I can't say dink when I'm talking about my dingus.
Before we had you, life was a breeze.
We'd go to amusement parks without going on those stupid baby rides.
Squeezing my butt into a little biplane that only goes four feet off the ground.
Actually, Dad, it's supposed to go 12 feet off the ground.
- D'oh! - It was a great life.
We were swimming in DINKs.
[LAUGHS] See? That was the key to their happiness no kids.
We've been talking about starting a family, but we're just not sure we're ready.
We can't even agree on what to name our ferret.
Yeah, we both like Caitlin, but we just, we can't agree on the spelling.
Well, we used to be just like you.
Childless and partying every night.
["SWAMP BY TALKING HEADS PLAYS] Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi Hi Hey, check out who crashed the party, Kent Brockman.
Ooh, he does the animal adoption segment on Thursday mornings.
Eh? Eh? [CHUCKLING]: Yes, the biggest problem with winning a local Humane Society Golden Pig Ear - is just staying humble.
- [CAMERA CLICKS] This celebrity sighting will be the lede for my gossip column, "Marge Madness.
" - Hmm.
- Ow.
What are you doing? There isn't even a dartboard.
You're Marge Bouvier? Oh, I read your listings every week correct dates, very few typos, professional stuff.
- Mm.
- Just steer clear of pet shelters and fun runs, those are my beat.
Mr.
Brockman, you're hurting my arm.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just care about soft news so much.
HOMER: I had a job at a cutting edge new company that would change the world.
Homer, next week we finally take our revolutionary teeth whitening strips to market.
I couldn't have done it without you, man.
Together, we make an amazing team.
Me, with my advanced degrees in medicine, chemistry and business, and you, with your gentle good humor.
[CHUCKLES] I hear that.
[LAUGHS]: I love it.
It's like I know you're not listening to me, but I'm not mad at you.
- I'm sorry, what? - Exactly.
Buddy, whatever I make, you get a piece of.
I hear that.
I mean, I really hear that.
MARGE: Homer took me to the hippest spots in town.
[WHOOPING, WHISTLING] Oh, Homie.
This is the happiest I've ever been in my life.
Hold onto it, Marge.
Hold on and never let go.
- The moment? - No, the rail! [SHOUTS] [GRUNTING] - Oh, quit resting.
- [YELPS] MARGE: We'd see classic movies whenever we wanted.
["THE TIME HAS COME TODAY" BY THE CHAMBERS BROTHERS PLAYS] The time has come today Young hearts can go their way Can't put it off another day I don't care what others say They say we don't listen, anyway The time has come today Time.
[BOTH MOANING] Hey, some of us are trying to enjoy the movie.
No, none of us are.
At least I died before I'm 30! Yes, he was 47 when he made this film.
Did you two lovebirds-a know there's a meteor shower tonight? Homie.
We should drive to the desert and watch it.
What about the kids? Oh, right, we have none.
[CHUCKLES] BART: So why can't you do stuff like that now? Why do you think? It couldn't be me, Booze 'n' snooze.
Why you little [GRUNTS] - [GAGS] - Marge! Pick up the narrative! [GRUNTS] MARGE: We were having the time of our lives.
[BOTH LAUGHING] [HOMER LAUGHS LOUDER] HOMER: And then it came.
Have some num-num.
Who likes num-num? You like num-num? Oh, there's a meteor shower tonight.
We'll do the next one.
It's in 187 years.
Where are they coming from, outer space? Have some num-num.
Who likes num-num? You like num-num? [SIGHS] Where did this beautiful man go? LISA: Dad, I know it was fun to be young and free, but how could you ever replace us? Pool table, jukebox, and a vacation to Bermuda.
Dad! Can you please get to the part where you reassure us how glad you are we're here? Hey, as long as I'm the pool table, I'm cool.
Sweetie, I treasure you.
- [GRUMBLES] - But before you kids, I used to know the names of people in bands! And not just the singer, but the guitar guy! And baby Bart was the worst son of a bitch you could imagine.
MARGE: We were the first of our friends to have a baby, so we got lots of attention.
- Aw.
- Aw.
Aw, hey, little man.
Up high.
Down low.
Too slow.
[CHUCKLES] [CHUCKLES]: Again! All right.
Up high.
[CHUCKLES] [YELLS] Oh! Ow! What was that?! Oh, that's tangelo! Come on! That's the most acidic of all the citrus fruits! I see now that even babies don't respect you.
Were you planning on bringing this brat to board game night? Oh, sea salt! The biggest crystals of all! [GROANS LOUDLY] We don't have a sitter.
Invitation rescinded! HOMER: Next, baby Bart ruined my one shot at success, my only fast pass to cash mountain.
Yes, thank you.
You won't be sorry.
We're goin' places, Homer.
Soon you'll be in a higher tax bracket.
- D'oh! - [LAUGHS] - [BART GRUMBLES] - What's that thing on your shoulder? Uh, my son.
You can't have a kid.
But I have a kid.
A kid indicates you took time away from me to conceive.
It's like a virus.
It starts spreading, and suddenly everyone's getting married when they should be working.
Working.
Always working.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Ooh.
I have a difficult choice here.
You chose me over money? [GRUNTS] Ooh! I deserved that.
And that.
Now he's worth $10 billion.
I still have his phone number, but I've never called it.
Well, why not? He loved you before.
You're the same guy.
Yeah! [PHONE BEEPING] ROSS: Homer Simpson? Buddy, is that you? I've been expecting this call for years.
You remember me? Of course.
I've been waiting to say something to you.
Are you ready? I sure am.
ROSS: Good-bye forever.
Oh.
Closure is supposed to be a good thing.
Also, I'm afraid, a newborn and a journalism career did not mix.
This is terrible! I wanted quotes from the swing set, not price quotes on swing sets.
Party pics, not potty tips.
Glitterati, not babysitterati.
Are you getting my drift or should I throw you an oar? It's important for new parents to know this stuff.
New parents? Eh.
They're not the audience for the Leisure Section.
All they care about are babies.
Babies are boring.
I'd rather talk about soccer.
And I hate soccer! Marge, do you like bacon? Yes, ac Well, you got one last chance to save yours.
Get me a good nightlife story, or I'm replacing you with someone with a nightlife, Barbara Rellalinsky! I will get the scoop.
MARGE: So, you've moved into painting giant schnozzes.
Marge, the mouth has had its say.
Now it's time to find out what the nose knows.
That's a pull-quote, if ever I heard one.
Pretty much everything I say is quotable.
Well, not that.
[CRYING] [QUIETLY]: What are you doing here? I'm so sorry, sweetie.
I know it's my night to watch Bart, but he just won't stop fussing.
Did you try driving around to make him fall asleep? It only worked on me.
- [TIRES SCREECH] - [HORN BLOWS] Next stop: Somali Pirate Island.
D'oh! [CHUCKLES] Bunny! - [AIR HISSING] - [GASPING] It's not art anymore! It's a misshapen lump on the floor! Not like this masterpiece! Marge, this photo is dynamite! Thank you! Dynamite kills people! Thanks to your kid, we just lost all our art advertising, the art gallery and Art's Deli, which catered the event.
You're fired! Turn in your press card and your fedora! And I'm gonna erase your name from this birthday card - we got for Doris.
- [GASPS] See? It's gone! She won't miss it.
She never liked you.
MARGE: But I still had the greatest job in the world, I THOUGHT: being a mom.
Boy, if it wasn't for naptime, we'd have all been dead from the stress years ago.
- [CLATTERING] - [TODDLERS CRYING] I didn't do it.
You are banned forever from Gymdandee; our sister shops, Swimdandee and Violindandee; and all other Kid Kennel enrichment centers and baby prisons.
[SIGHS HEAVILY] Hey, Homer.
Haven't seen you in a while.
I switched to donuts.
[GASPS] Oy.
MARGE: Our dream life crumbling, Homie and I sought counseling at the church.
[ORGAN PLAYING] You were so very wise to bring your problems here.
Now, won't you bow your heads and watch this video.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] Hello.
I'm Professor Thernstrom, author of Fractured Families and How to Heal Them.
[SCOFFS] I think we all know who Professor Thernstrom is.
Play the video.
THERNSTROM: Jane was an only child.
And science has proven that only children are lonely children and lonely children are evil children.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] Jane's problems became the family's problems.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] They came to see me, and, nine months later, Joe was born, and all was well.
ANNOUNCER: Do not undertake procreation alone.
WARNING: second child may cause loss of money, limited vacations, and reduced sleep.
Do not have a second child if you have heart problems, are pregnant, or want to keep your spare bedroom.
In rare cases, sibling rivalry may occur.
That's it, Homie! That's the answer! We're having another child.
But just the one.
We're not Catholics.
And so we decided to have Lisa.
That's what this was building to? I thought this was the story of how we got our furnace.
Who would care how we got the furnace? I would care.
It came with the house.
Mystery solved! Finally, he's asleep.
Let's make another.
- Mmm, mmm.
- No.
Oh, not here.
He might wake up.
The only safe place is out on the fire escape.
What if firemen need it? I'll be quick.
[WHOOPS] Now Mother Nature does the rest.
[ALL WHOOPING] Hmm [CLANGING] Duh, girls don't like me.
[PLAYING SULTRY SONG] Hey! No fair! Hey, where did he get those glasses? The saxophone makes sense, but the glasses don't? Shut up, you! - [GRUNTING] - Shut up! MARGE: And so after a lot of late-night ice cream and pickles, Lisa was born.
And the best part was Bart became the calmest boy in the whole world.
HOMER: More or less.
Why, you [BLISSFULLY]: you delightful little blessing.
[GIGGLING] Someone's gonna need four months of rehab.
Not covered by insurance.
[LAUGHING] So a family with kids is a different kind of happy, but still happy.
Wow.
Just, uh [EXHALES] wow.
Hey, where's your wife? Uh, she left me forever during your story.
If you look out the window, you can probably see her.
[GASPS] Oh.
Why did you leave?! Because I never want to be stuck with people like you who stunt each other's growth with your rampant dysfunction! [QUIETLY]: Quick.
Family smile.
Our lives are great! We left out the happy parts because they were boring! Nothing wrong with this picture.
[TIRES SCREECH, BRAKES HISS] Get over here, Lisa.
The only way humanity survives is if people perpetuate this lie.
Well, why is she frowning? Is there some unhappiness you're hiding? Um I'm gonna stake my whole marriage on what you do next! Smile.
Don't be a dink.
Mm I love you, Miles! [BRAKES HISS] You did it, sweetie.
You saved two bad marriages.
What's the first bad marriage? Uh, I miscounted.
You saved one bad marriage.
Just one.
[GRUNTING] Aw, reminds me of the first time we hugged.
Great story.
Get out.
Well, we may not be ethical, but we're a great team.
Just like Fred and Ethical.
LISA: Want to tell us how Maggie was born? HOMER: We told you that story.
- LISA: And how we got the dog? - HOMER: Found him at Christmas.
- LISA: And the origin of the cat? - HOMER: Nobody cares.
This was a nice idea, Homie.
[SIGHS] I'm glad we came back here.
Just the two of us.
- [HONKING] - [BARKING] [SCOFFS] Just imagine what they'd do if Grampa wasn't watching them.
- I wish I'd never had kids.
- [GRUNTING] Thank God there's no munitions left in the factory.
Never too late for another! No one's made it out in a half century! I didn't even know there were five of us! [ALL EXCLAIMING] Make room! What the? How did you get in here? Mind your own business.