The Simpsons s29e20 Episode Script

Throw Grampa from the Dane

1 [SHOUTS] [PRINTERS WHIRRING] - Mmm.
Jam.
- [PRINTER BEEPING] [YAWNS, LAUGHS] [FOOTSTEP SPLASHES] Okay, okay.
The only explanation is I'm still asleep, dreaming that the house is flooded.
What does it mean? What does it mean? It probably means you're under a lot of stress because this is not a dream and the house is flooded.
- D'oh! - Cowabunga! [MARGE HUMMING] [GASPS] MARGE: Oh, my God.
This is horrible! Although, I do like the sofa better where the water's carrying it.
How did this happen? Homie, I don't like where the painting is.
Maybe you're upset about something else.
Are you hungry? Why don't you make some pork chops? Fine.
Now can you hang the painting? Always with the painting.
MARGE: Perfect.
Wait, no, no, it's not.
Try again.
Mm.
No, split the difference.
See? When you listen to me, we make a great team.
It's almost like I can hear the ocean.
I guess we're both at fault.
In a way, that's refreshing.
Do you want me to apologize anyway? - I'd be happy to.
- Aw, no, thanks, sweetie.
HOMER: Hmm.
Well, either way, I'm sorry.
Okay, now, when we try to sell the house, no one mention the water.
Just tell me you paid the insurance.
You mean that bill that's floating right there? [LAUGHS] It's not due till tomorrow, so relax.
My origami project.
Don't worry, sweetie.
We'll have a funeral for it.
GIL: All right.
I-I'll just pull up your policy.
Alt-Control-F Aw, damn it! Kate! Kate, can you get in here? It's a different generation that knows how to work these things.
- Enjoy.
- Eh, the kids, huh? They just know how to do it.
Now let's see here.
[MURMURS QUIETLY] You're in luck! The policy I sold you covers the full replacement value of your house.
[HOMER WHOOPS] We also pay for six months temporary housing.
Now the bad news: your policy is the only one I've sold.
It just cost the company a bundle, and I'm gonna lose my job.
Gee, sorry, ol' Gil.
That's okay, I got options: unemployment, suicide.
When one door closes, a coffin opens.
Eh, what am I saying? I don't make coffin money.
But now I got something to work towards! That's right.
Kate, can you tell me how to charge a cell phone? Whoa, whoa, whoa, so wall holes make things charge? [LAUGHS] What's next? There are some nice Airbnb options on the Westside.
Ooh.
Huh? Huh? Mm, I'd feel kind of weird sleeping in the bedroom of someone I know.
Everything okay with the room? [SHOUTS] You're not supposed to be back from your vacation for three weeks.
It's not a vacation.
My dad is doing seasonal fruit picking.
Come on, Milhouse.
I need you on my shoulders to reach the high apples.
And I don't want to be in a room where guys walked around with their dinguses out.
No! No, don't imagine that! So, son, uh, word on the street is you've come into some money.
Yeah? I was wondering, you know, uh just hear me out I've always considered you a friend, and Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is the most precious kind of money there is: unearned, and it's mine.
And you're not getting at it just because you need a bigger TV or a room with a window or An operation.
You need an operation? What's the matter? If it's all the same, it's embarrassing, and I'd rather not discuss it publicly.
Really? What could it be? Look, it's important to me and pricey.
What could it be? "Pane in the ass"? [BUZZING] [IMITATES BUZZER] Hands off! I need professional help! Not to worry.
This is the United States.
We have the third best health care system in North America.
Hi, Medicare! I mean, hi, every-money.
Can I speak with the doctor alone? Of course.
Oh, wait, I'm the doctor.
That's why I wear the heart listening tube.
Ba-boom, ba-boom.
That never gets old.
What's taking Grampa so long in there? It's crazy that medical costs are so high here.
In Denmark to pick a country at random health care is free.
Free? Honey, nothing is free but Splendas.
In Denmark, they make everyone pay high taxes.
Even rich people.
Yes, and they get free health care.
It's called socialism.
Socialism? But all my radio loudmouths tell me to hate that.
That doc can't do nothing for me.
You know, if Grampa was in Denmark and he had an accident, he'd get medical care for free! I can't go to Denmark by myself.
I get lost in the middle of a sentence, and that was the best pie I ever had.
Wait a minute.
What if we used our insurance money to take a family trip to Denmark? Why would we want to go to Denmark? It is the happiest country on Earth, in poll after poll.
I got your poll right here.
Hey, you're right.
Homer, you've got the vacation coming.
We've got the money.
It's settled.
We're going to Denmark, and Grampa will get fixed.
Well, Homer, looks like Marge is the boss in your house.
Well, I say we don't go! But we need to go.
I'm desperate! Fine, we'll go.
[LAUGHS] That woman's got you right under her thumb.
DANISH MAN: None of these were chosen as the name of our airline.
Danish Air.
Excuse me, sir, the "no smoking" sign has been illuminated.
[ELECTRONIC CHIMING] Sorry.
The flight attendants are so sweet.
We will be landing in Copenhagen shortly.
If you have been designing and building furniture during the flight, please apply your final coat of varnish now.
Hey, I got things done, too.
GRAMPA: What the?! SOREN: Denmark, the jewel of the Baltic.
First-class schools, sleek furniture design, energy independence, and brooding TV dramas about teenagers getting killed.
Thank you so much for renting my apartment.
It's so efficient.
Please allow me to give you a tour of Copenhagen.
Wonderful.
But first, a nap.
No, Homer.
You slept on the plane.
You slept through customs.
You slept on the bus.
How can you sleep now? Don't you hear Copenhagen calling? Take a message.
The people here are so openly affectionate.
Why don't we all hold hands? Are we supposed to interlock fingers or not? Cramp! Cramp! Dad's hands are covered with jam.
- I can't get it off! - Grampa's hands are too rough.
- Lisa's hands are too soft.
- Just keep holding.
Oh, don't worry, the government will pay you to learn this social skill.
Uh, Homer, you are holding your own hand.
They're fighting over a Danish.
SOREN: Created in 1913, The Little Mermaid is a world-famous icon of Denmark.
No, The Little Mermaid was created by Disney, right before he created Spider-Man and Star Wars.
This is the real little mermaid.
And she was a very tragic figure.
- What about her buddy, the crab? - There was no crab! He was the only funny thing in it.
Got that right.
Oh, my God, it's wonderful.
More people biking than driving cars.
Yes, it's rush hour, so people are taking the bicycle superhighways home.
Uh, how crowded are your bicycle superhighways? [CHUCKLES]: Well We don't have any.
But how many people ride bikes in your town? The paperboy, till Dad hit him.
Sadly, the one headline he couldn't deliver.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop the car! [HOMER AND BART LAUGH] What? It's Danish for "speed check.
" - Fart kontrol.
- [HOMER AND BART LAUGHING] [BLOWS RASPBERRIES] [GIGGLES] I apologize for my husband.
In our language, that sign means something else.
Yes, I know.
I'm speaking to you in your language.
"Non-Danes do not qualify for the free health care.
"But if you injure yourself in Denmark, a Danish hospital will treat you for free.
" [CHUCKLES] I can't believe the government puts this out.
For free! [HOMER AND GRAMPA LAUGH] Excuse me, you dropped this.
Lisa, this is Prince Christian, second in line to the throne.
I play the tenor sax.
Oh, no, here it comes.
The fantasy about becoming a princess that no girl can resist.
[TRUMPETS PLAYING FANFARE] [DRAMATIC SOUNDTRACK MUSIC PLAYING] Bart, get out of my fantasy! Ah, geez, I saved your life.
How about a "you're welcome"? Can you imagine how exciting it would be to live in this city? Ooh, Mom, we could try it for a semester.
Do you know how long I've wanted to live in a Celsius country? There's boobs on the billboards! And we're here in the world's most perfect amusement park.
[FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING] [BOTH GASP] [CHOIR SINGING IN DANISH] Their national anthem is so beautiful, and they don't get to war until the second verse.
And it's in a range you can actually sing.
There is a lovely land With spreading shady beech-trees Near salty eastern shore Near salty eastern shore.
Bart and Lisa are getting along! This country is calling to us.
Homer, can you take the daring step of doing nothing and staying here? There are big reasons why we can't live here.
I'm okay with nuclear power, but wind power? - Frankly, it sounds dangerous.
- Excuse me, white trash.
Is this the kind of country you want to live in? No, sir.
I meant we separate our trash by colors.
This country is still lovely Because blue is the lake wind I can't believe you're talking about leaving Springfield.
That's where all my friends are.
Look, everyone, we came here to rip this country off, and that's what we're gonna do and then go home.
Fine.
Let's find a place that has good smorrebrod, or maybe some morbradbof or flaeskesteg.
Women do love this country.
Homer, do you think I'm handsome? Well, yes.
I was gonna mention it.
- I am a Danish four.
- I'm an American nine.
["AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" PLAYING] How could my family want to stay here? In America, we have great TV channels, like BBC America, and a factory for cheesecakes a factory! Your enthusiasm makes me want to follow you there.
Foreigners are no longer welcome.
All right, Dad, no more fooling around.
Time to get you in the hospital, so we can go home.
Hello.
How was your day? Eh.
This country sure is safe.
Well, last week, an older tourist had a bad fall at Kronborg Castle.
Of course, Kronborg Castle.
Why didn't I think of it? Probably because I never heard of it.
TOUR GUIDE: Dating back to the 15th century, Kronborg was immortalized as Elsinore in Shakespeare's Hamlet.
Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, the castle's okay, but the keep is, like, meh.
And I'll tell you something else great about here.
You've been walking so much, you've lost weight.
[GASPS] I'm down to my pre-pregnancy weight! Homer, in this most beautiful spot on Earth, I have to admit to you, I really don't want to go home.
- I don't either.
- Let's stay.
Think about how happy we'd be here.
It's healthy, it's clean, it's incredibly civilized, and everything is done in moderation.
You're not describing a country.
You're describing everything that's the opposite of me.
Everyone here speaks perfect English.
Probably gonna be around in five years.
It's just a nice place and we like it.
All I ask is that you think about it.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe we should move here.
Tubby or not tubby, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to gobble the wings and nachos of outrageous portions, or just eat fish and end them.
Ay, there's the rub brisket rub, Memphis rub.
Oh, the rubs I'll miss when I have shuffled off from Buffalo.
Mozzarella No.
I'm an American, and we've got to get back to America, the greatest country on Earth, 1917 to 2016.
This is the famous Holger Danish, our sleeping king.
All right, Dad, here we go.
There's nothing more American than a slip and fall.
- [GRUNTS] - Whoa! Hold on, son.
Before you push me down these stairs, I have a confession.
The procedure I need isn't a surgery.
I just need to remove an old tattoo.
You made us come here because of a stupid tattoo? It's not just any tattoo.
[GASPS] Mom? No! Mona Malloy, who used to iron my shirts.
Of course it's your mother.
I can't go to my grave with this hanging over my heart.
Why is it guys like us are always disappointing the women we love? I would ask Mona, but she's spending eternity hating me, from her pit in hell.
I miss her, too.
Her greatest skill was making people miss her.
[SOBBING] - Hello.
- She's talking to you.
Mm, I'll talk to someone my age.
[CHUCKLES] Excuse me.
I felt compelled to meet you.
I've never met a man with empathy so deep he weeps in public.
Oh, yeah, I cry, I blubber.
Sometimes stuff comes out of my nose.
Well [SIGHS] Danish men never reveal such emotion.
They're like cold, flawless gods.
Look, lady, I'm a married man.
- I'm a married man.
- Shh.
[MUFFLED]: I'm a married man.
Here, marriage is not such a sacred institution.
Danes are very free sexually.
Perhaps it's because we are more sensitive to each other's needs, or just because we're all so freaking hot.
Now let us dance our traditional dance of passion.
Okay.
- [LIVELY DANISH MUSIC PLAYING] - [EXCITED SHOUTING] Do you know the Danes eat more ice cream than any other people? Yet their rate of heart disease is Oh, it's their number one cause of death.
Well, look where we got it.
Well, that never stopped your father.
I'll just text a picture of you right now, eating the ice Oh, my God.
[GASPS] Marge.
Where are you going? Where will I ever find another man like you? Hi, we're the Kiwanis Club of Cheeseburg, Ohio.
[SIGHS]: Oh hio.
I must confess to you now, every couple that has Airbnb'd my apartment has broken up.
Then how did it get so many good reviews? They like the big apartment cat.
Oh, I do like it.
Ooh, let me scratch your chin! [PURRING] He's so chubby, I just can't take it! Marge, honey, I'm so sorry.
We shared a dance and a fish, but that's it.
- I understand.
It's fine.
- So you're coming home? No, I'm not.
I want to stay.
I don't know for how long, but I feel so alive and free.
I've stopped wearing a bra.
[GASPS] That means they're just one fabric away from the cool Scandinavian air.
Sorry, Homie.
We're not leaving.
Well, the kids can't just replace me.
He's so cozy.
He can sleep with Mom.
Can I get you a beer? [PURRING] [HOMER GROANS] - Dad, wait.
- [GASPS] Mom says you can take these home with you.
It's a bag of bras.
And I just learned how to unhook these.
Oh, my God.
What am I doing? I should be having the time of my life in this airport security line, but it's nothing without Marge.
Son, I got to tell you something.
- You're making a huge mistake.
- I know.
I let stubbornness ruin my marriage, and all I have to show for it is an old tattoo.
- Go back to your woman.
- You mean the one in the bar? First the one in the bar, then Marge.
No! Just Marge.
- Marge! - [GASPS] You missed the flight.
Marge, baby, wherever you are is home.
I'm staying in Copenhagen.
I'm glad you came back, but I was kind of rethinking living here.
Why? The toilet's in the shower.
The washing machine won't even hold one pair of your underpants.
And you see how dark it is? It's 11:00 in the morning.
[YAWNS] Well, that was a nice day.
I think I'm ready to go home.
You got it, baby.
We'll ditch this paradise and never come back.
What about the kids? I heard the schools are really great here.
I'm out.
I want to stay, but no one ever listens to me.
So we're all united.
- Yay! - Whoo! But I can't help thinking I'm forgetting something.
Sir, those birds were already fed by the state.
You are overfeeding them, which will kill them.
[GRAMPA GRUNTS] When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.
ALL: Aw.
So how much do we owe you? Nothing.
In Denmark, we have socialized tattooing.
And with that, our country is out of money.
Good-bye.
[PANTING]