The Simpsons s30e10 Episode Script

'Tis the 30th Season

1 Ho, ho, ho! [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Happy birthday.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] [PLAYING "DECK THE HALLS"] D'oh! [GRUNTS] [GROWLING] [GROWLS] [SHRIEKING] ALL: Merry Christmas! - [SNORING, MUMBLING] - [HOMER HUMMING] [SIGHS] Another Thanksgiving is in the books.
Which means Christmas is starting.
Say, Lis, I couldn't help but notice you're holding a piece of paper.
Oh, this piece of paper? Why, it's just my Christmas list, is all.
What a coincidence.
I also have my Christmas list right here in my hand.
Oh, you selfish little gangsters.
There's always another shakedown, isn't there? What do you know, Bart? There's only one present on my list.
My word, that's reasonable.
I, too, only found one present to be list-worthy.
Oh, give me the lists.
[MARGE GROANS] We already have a TV.
We've been through ten Super Bowls, XLIV through LIII.
But our dumb TV is not a smart TV.
And I just want one other smart thing in this house.
Yeah, well, we'll think about it.
[BART AND LISA HUMMING HAPPILY] I want everything about Christmas to be perfect, but that smart TV the kids want is $2,400.
[SCOFFS] That's ridiculous.
Our TV may not be smart, but it's street smart.
ANNOUNCER: It's Sprawl-Mart's huge Black Friday sale.
Jay-G headphones only $49.
99.
Two-piece sofa set only $249.
99.
And this GL50 9K Smart TV only $499.
99.
GL50 9K Smart TV.
Where have I heard that before? The kids are chanting it nonstop.
BART AND LISA: GL50 9K Smart TV.
- GL50 9K Smart TV.
- Knock it off! ANNOUNCER: Supplies are limited, so be here when the doors open at 6:00 a.
m.
! Black Friday: like The Purge, but for bargains.
That's how we get it.
We have to go.
Oh, old TV, you really are dumb.
You just told us how to replace you.
[LAUGHS] Why do we have an antenna on an HDTV? I thought it looked cool.
So the customers will be entering from here, here and here.
Our biggest concern are the cutsies.
- I hate those Nazis.
- I said "cutsies.
" - You think the Nazis didn't take cuts? - Oh.
I leave for Sprawl-Mart now, getting us a good place in line.
And I go to sleep now, waking up in the middle of the night, rested and ready to relieve you - at 3:00 a.
m.
- That's right.
Godspeed, hot woman.
[BOTH MOANING] I love you, too, Homie, but I have to go.
My tongue is frozen to your zipper.
Aw, Marge, great to see you out here.
You want a Cup O' Noodles to chase away the chill? - How sweet.
- It's just water.
I can't afford the real thing, but if you stare at the label while you drink it, you'd swear there was real chicken powder in there.
- [SHUDDERS] - Oh.
What bargain are you busting down the door for? I'm getting a Futon Friend for my granddaughter.
I want her to remember me as more than just a grandpa who lives at the airport.
The trick is to carry a piece of empty luggage because then they they [SOBS] [SNIFFS] Sorry, Ralphie, it's just too cold.
Even my blubber isn't helping.
[SIGHS] Cold in the winter, hot in the summer.
Why did I grow you? Oh, your hands feel cold.
Let me look at them.
Whoa, that's toasty! Am in Ipanema? [VOCALIZING "GIRL FROM IPANEMA"] Hmm? Hmm? [LAUGHS] I can do this.
It's 2:30.
Homer's gonna be here any minute.
[SNORING] [ALARM BEEPING] [MUMBLES] What? - [MEOWS] - What the? [MEOWS] Ooh, got to relieve Marge! [SHUDDERS] [GROANS] My hands are starting to freeze.
I hope Homer gets here soon.
Why are we standing? We still have hours before the store opens.
To keep out the cutters.
Ow! You're punching me in the back.
I ain't doin' it.
It's the baby what's in my belly thrashing about.
If you go into labor, I'll help you deliver, but then that baby has to go to the back of the line.
- Yeah! - [ANGRY CHATTER] I know how to hold a baby in.
[INHALES] Have a safe Black Friday, and welcome to Thunderdome.
- [GRUNTS] - [EXCITED CHATTER] [DOVE COOING] [SHOUTING] [WHIMPERS] My hands are frozen, which makes it easier to do this.
[GRUNTING] [GASPS] The electronics department.
I'm going to make it.
GIL: I'm not gonna make it! Is there one drop of humanity in this big-box store? [SHOUTING, GROANING] MARGE: Don't look, Marge.
At any other time of year, that man's life would be worth more than a TV, but not at Christmas.
[GROANS] Tell my granddaughter I existed.
This will help raise the little one.
Jangle bells, jangle bells We gots a TV Now the only thing we lack Is e-lectricity, hey! You did it, Marge.
You've given a poor old man the greatest gift of all, - a grandchild's love.
- Well, that makes it all I can't leave without one of those.
I'll give you a hundred bucks for it.
- Can't say no to that.
- Oh [MARGE GROANS] [TIRES SCREECH] Oh! Marge, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to let you down.
I'm not mad at you.
I won't let myself be mad at you.
This is Christmas, and Christmas is great for our kids, and I vow on my life to make it a great Christmas.
I totally agree.
Now because you've been through so much, let me drive.
- Let me call you an Uber.
- [GROANS] So I'm afraid you won't be getting the smart TV for Christmas.
We figured.
Never get your hopes up around here.
But I promise you, Christmas will be better than ever.
I'll sweep that up, sweetie.
[MARGE GROANS] Your mother froze her fingers trying to get a Christmas gift for you, and what were you going to give her? - Lanyard.
- Poem.
I thought as much.
Well, we're gonna make this Christmas about your mother.
- But Christmas is for kids.
- Her.
MONICA [ON VIDEO]: Hi, guys, it's Monica here with five easy hacks for resetting your threshold Christmas caroler.
Number one, locate the P.
I.
X.
input on the pressure strip.
I already did that, Monica.
I think I've got it.
What if we take Mom on a Florida vacation for Christmas? [NORWEGIAN ACCENT]: Hoy, hoy, hoy.
I ride on a pig.
Don't forget to leave me porridge! Ugh, I've got it set on Norwegian.
Well, at least we're not planning a vacation at the last second, we're planning at the last minute.
Can't afford Nine Flags Underwater, Yankees Fantasy Camp, Yankees Suck Fantasy Camp Oh, my God, there's a place we can afford.
I've never heard of it.
How can we be sure it's what it seems in the ad? That's a good point.
On the other hand only three rooms left! And 58 people are looking at them.
All right, kids, let this be a lesson.
You should never succumb to something just because you are pressured to One room left! I got it! Full price, nonrefundable! Boom! Christmas is on me.
Christmas is on me.
Marge, darling, remember when we agreed you should take it down a few notches? Yeah, the notches.
Always with the notches.
Marge, have you considered that we could spend Christmas somewhere else? Home.
If it's not home, it's not Christmas.
Home, home, home! We're gonna have to take her out cold.
[MUTTERS]: You're getting one little sleeve and there you go.
- Mom? - Yes, Lisa? Yes? - That's not our cat.
- Damn it.
[YOWLS] Mom, we came to sing some carols.
And I'll pour the tea.
Silent night Holy night [ECHOING]: All is calm All is bright Start counting backwards from ten to one When you wake up We'll have Christmas fun Wake up, sleepyhead.
[CHUCKLES] - We're in Tennessee.
- Tennessee? We packed all the luggage ourselves.
After all that you've been through, this Christmas is about you.
The warm air helped my hands.
I like Tennessee.
[LAUGHS]: That's fantastic.
However, we just entered Georgia.
Change the bumper sticker, boy.
Dirty Birds! You got that right! Yeah! Go, area team! [THUNDER CRASHES] Enjoying the sunshine? That's the Christmas gift we get all year long.
Can we please get to our room? We just drove 2,000 miles in four hours.
Of course.
And thank you for reminding me why I never had kids.
Let's go, shall we? All of us in this one little room? I call sleeping in the bathtub! I want to sleep in the bathtub.
There's no bathtub.
Just a combo shower and toilet.
We call it a shoilet.
Well, the fun is outside.
[THUNDER CRASHES] Ooh, that's gonna be a big one.
Oh, I don't know how we're gonna give you kids a Christmas.
Dad, Bart, meet me in the shoilet.
- [TOILET FLUSHES] - D'oh! Let me tell you something about your mother.
She is always as happy as the saddest one of us.
I'm not always the saddest one.
Polar bears are dying.
[CRIES]: Oh, that's so sad.
So, rain or shine, we will all have smiles on our faces.
Her mood will be based on the signals we are giving.
All hands in.
Okay, three, two, one ALL: Fake enthusiasm.
What are you guys doing in here? Uh, having a great time.
That's about to get better.
- Really? - [TOILET FLUSHES] Who wants room service? [TOILET FLUSHES] [THEME PARK MUSIC PLAYING] This is cool.
Cartoon characters no one's ever heard of.
That's Mulberry Mutt, Tremendous Boar and Thelonious Skunk.
- Does somebody want a hug? - No.
- Oh, I think you do.
- Really, I don't.
Hug the bull, boy.
That's right, kid.
Legally, you have to initiate it.
That's so sweet.
[DOG HOWLS] You know, they say whenever you travel, it grows your brain.
This place is fantastic.
WOMAN: This place is a dump.
MAN: I picked it! If you criticize this place, you're criticizing me! WOMAN: Well, in that case, this place is a loser with a gambling problem.
That's the worst thing the kids could possibly hear.
MAN: I won once, when I met you.
- WOMAN: Aw - [MOANING] WOMAN [GIGGLES]: Come here.
[LAUGHTER] Oh, for God's sake.
I'll stop this.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES] [GRUNTING] Get this over with quick! There's kids next door! MAN: There's kids in here, too! [LAUGHTER, MOANING CONTINUES] [SIGHS] Makes you feel kind of lonely, doesn't it? - Yeah.
- Well, it all starts with a hug.
[CHUCKLES] You want a hug? Aw [SQUAWKING] Oh, boy.
You kids are up early.
Bart and I are going to engage in perhaps the most popular Florida tradition complaining to the manager.
JEANIE: Hey, come on in.
This place is nothing like it looked on the Internet.
We can't compete with the big boys.
Disney's already laying ground for a new Family Guy World.
Lucky there's a family guy I was the "it" boy in 2006.
I don't know when and I don't know how, but I am gonna get you.
Well, at least something in this place is clean now.
[SHOUTS] That was the most horrifying ride I've ever been on.
Where's Maggie? Oh, this is so much fun.
You know how I love history.
It's like looking at a rogues gallery of America's villains.
According to the soundtrack to Hamilton, you were a real jerk.
- [GUN CLICKS] - [SHRIEKS] Vice presidents rule! Aw.
Are you really having a great time? Really? Because I sure as heck am not.
No, I'm FaceTiming Milhouse 'cause it's more fun.
Whassup? Milhouse, give me something.
I'm trapped in The Hall of Vice Presidents.
Well, I'm kind of the vice president of us.
[GROANS] Got to go.
And we've got to go.
Back home.
We can be in Springfield by Christmas if we can just get our money back.
Leave that to me.
[MOANS] [SCREAMS] I shot my best friend in the face.
[LAUGHS] [SCREAMING] [SCREAMING ECHOES] ["CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYING] [EXCITED CHATTER] [PEOPLE GROANING] There it is, the first snow.
It smells so clean.
[ALL INHALING DEEPLY] [ENGINE SPUTTERING] - [ENGINE STOPS] - [MARGE GROANS] [WIND GUSTING] Oh, my God.
Moe serves Christmas dinner to the old and needy.
Yeah, look, it's the one nice thing I do.
Ha.
Guess old Moe's got a heart.
Also, if I turn the rummy away, they might wind up in church.
That could turn their life around.
That's bad for business.
Moe, I never dreamed you were capable of such a sweet thing.
Oh, no I beg you, don't make a moment out of this.
Oh.
Ha.
You missed my tongue there, but, eh, that's all right.
["SILENT NIGHT" PLAYING] Everyone, please close your eyes.
Boy, you do the honors.
Dear Lord, we didn't get the gift we wanted, a GL50 9K Smart TV.
The place we went was a dump.
But isn't Christmas really about being with your family and your bartender? We have traveled many miles to learn there's no place like Moe's.
Amen.
If you're not going to buy something, leave.
Bart, I disrespected you and I'm sorry.
I've refunded your money plus $2,400 if you pledge to never come here again.
And please tell your sister she's pretty.
Not Lisa, the baby.
You can't win in Florida.
Oh, my God, why don't your batteries die? - I have a solar head.
- [GROANS] Well, you'll be happy to know we've put the money to good use.
Now, to celebrate Christmas the way our ancestors did.
[GASPING] You know, there's a real log burning below it, right? Yeah, but is it HD?