The Simpsons s30e12 Episode Script

The Girl on the Bus

1 Scientists have determined that the secret to a long life is to drink lots of coffee or no coffee at all.
Now, it's time to kill time with "This Day in Springfield History.
" 1906: We become the first flyover state when the Wright Brothers ignore us on a voyage from Ohio to Kentucky.
1945: Peace breaks out and Montgomery Burns fires his female employees.
1961: As the rest of America rockets into the new frontier, Springfield unveils a fleet of school busses.
These buses are bursting with American technology.
Grooved rubber mats, and an emergency door that any child could accidentally open and fall 15 feet to the street.
[CROWD CHEERING] [EXCITED CHATTER] Lis, wish me luck.
I'm going for the lunch-boxing middleweight title.
[SIGHS] What does it matter? You'll never unify the belts.
[ALL GRUNTING] Okay, champ, remember your game plan: lead with your Krusty, th jab-jab-jab with my Eeyore.
Work the vest and the head will die.
- [BELL CLANGS] - [CHEERING] Each day this bus Is home to chaos That little boy is mooning me This ride's a living hell Right to the morning bell Please tell me that that puddle isn't pee I'm taking care of this goldfish.
All I would ask Is just one friend to ride with And please not Milhouse or Kearney Don't drag me into your lonely song.
Another girl who's smart With kindness in her heart Someone who's just exactly just like She? Do we always have to have the TV on during dinner? This is a special night, sweetie.
We've all been waiting for.
.
HOMER, MARGE, BART: Beast Blaster! Welcome back to the U.
S.
Ninja Ultimate Beast Blaster, where U.
S.
ninjas fight to become the ultimate beast.
By defeating the ultimate beast, an obstacle course we call "The Ultimate Monster.
" Well, I saw a cool girl from the bus today.
It's weird I don't know her, but I feel like we could be friends.
Yeah, you're right, I think Marcus is gonna take it all this year.
Mm-hmm.
He's got the best narrative.
He's doing it for his buddies at MacDill Air Force Base.
- MacDill! - [SIGHS] This is your fifth attempt to slay the monster.
Can you give us the thoughts that are going through your mind? [SHRIEKING] Hmm.
Isn't the first rule of ninja to be silent and invisible? Shh.
Watching other people live full lives is our family activity.
That girl I saw out the bus window was playing the clarinet.
The clarinet.
The saxophone's cool black friend.
Yeah Oh, my God, what a fail! [GROANING] [SIGHING] [YELLING] HOMER, MARGE, BART: Ooh! I never gave up, and I taught my kids to follow their dreams.
Oh, no.
Daddy can't hug anymore.
No-no-no.
Don't look up.
This bus is too depressing.
Backpack attack! Ugh.
It smells like Milhouss back.
Lisa knows what my back smells like.
Hamster volleyball.
[GRUNTS] [HAMSTER SQUEAKING] You lose.
Lisa counts as floor.
That's it.
There's gotta be a better place.
Otto.
Stop the bus.
I wanna get off.
You're the boss.
Can we get some ice cream? I'm not that crazy.
Yogurt.
[CHEERING] Oh, my God.
I'm in that other girl's neighborhood.
Without the baggage of being Lisa Simpson.
BART: Yo.
Sis-boom-blah.
Little help? Go.
Go le.
Go love.
Multiply.
[HAWK SCREECHES] Look at all these boutiques.
I've never been in a neighborhood where the parking lots were behind the stores.
[GASPS] This is her house.
[GIRL CRYING] [GROANS SOFTLY] [DOORBELL RINGS] Hello? Hello? - - Huh? Hmm.
Oh.
Ooh.
[GASPS]: Whoa.
Hello? It's me, the girl on the bus! Um, I'm moving past the tasteful craftsman fixtures, the eco-conscious lighting that turns on when I enter and turns off when I leave.
And now the jade tree, which I'm watering just a little.
GIRL [CRYING]: Oh, no.
[CRYING] Hey.
Don't be afraid.
I'm Lisa.
I saw you from my school bus.
.
i At least, I think it was you.
[IMITATES BUS RUMBLING, TIRES SQUEALING] - Why were you crying? - Because I just read the Pacific garbage patch grew to 600,000 square miles.
- [GASPS] - So then I put on "The Dolphin" by Stan Getz to cheer up.
But it was so beautiful I cried even more.
You are just like the friend I've described to so many wishing wells.
By the way, I play the saxophone.
Here.
Take one.
[PLAYING "THE DOLPHIN"] Wait a minute this is gonna end badly, isn't it? That's just what I was thinking.
We have so much in common.
So what do you do, Mrs.
Monroe? I'm a marine biologist.
I was in an improv group and asked the audience for an occupation, and I just fell in love with the work.
I yes-and-ed myself into a career.
More seitan gumbo, Lisa? The rice is conflict-free.
Yes.
It's not to die for.
[BOTH LAUGH] Oh, your mother keeps a journal of what you say? She'll wear these pearls forever.
Oh, that's good.
[SIGHS]: Oh Some others I've seen Might never be mean BOTH: Might never be cross Or try to be boss But they wouldn't do [PHONE VIBRATES] For nobody else Gave me a thrill With all your faults I love you still BOTH: It had to be you Wonderful you It had to be you.
BOTH: Mmm.
- I love you.
- I love you.
You do not say "suck" at the dinner table! But veggie loaf does suck.
It sucks a whole truck full of butts.
You leave trucks out of this.
Just eat your loafs.
How was dinner with your friend, honey? Suck, suck, suckity, suck, suckity, suck.
- I'd say.
It's, uh, a little different, - Suck, suck, suck, suck.
- Not better.
Just different.
- Suck, suck, suck, suck Can I ask a question? Shh.
I wanna see this.
Dina and Lucas have never met each other, but by the time this roller coaster goes down this final hill, they'll be married.
So, what do you do for fun? LUCAS: I'm making a hammock of human hair! Boy, pass the salt.
Coming right up.
- Oh! - [LAUGHS] You did that on purpose.
Well, I'm not giving you the satisfaction.
Excuse me, I have a question.
Not now! LUCAS: I like your hair! DINA: Ah, get me out of here.
[LISA GROANS] Oh, this is so good.
Mmm.
Oh, just the way I like it.
Mmm.
Salty.
So salty.
[GRAMPA'S VOICE]: Aging rapidly.
Where's Chlie Rose? [GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY] [LAUGHING] Please, one simple question.
What is it? Why do we have to eat dinner together every night? Because it's good for the damn family.
Now, Lisa, I know you're a vegetarian.
Do you mind if we eat this in front of you? Oh, no.
No.
Not at all.
And the fact that you would even ask how I felt I don't need dessert, because you being considerate is sweet enough.
- Well put.
- So well put.
Judging from you, I'm sure your family is just as delightful and rinfrescante come la brezza del lago di Como.
[GIGGLING]: Yes, my family.
I try not to brag about them.
More coconut water, please.
Such a shame that we'll never, ever meet them.
- How come? - We're going to be moving soon.
My research grant came through.
Sam's father studies the harmful effects of family relocation on children.
Takes me all over the world.
So I guess you'll never meet my parents.
So we'll only know them through what you say right now.
Right.
Now.
Well, my father works with his hands; he's a sculptor.
And your mother? Mother is a chemist.
And I have a sister, too.
She's a professor of non-linguistic communication.
Has a high chair.
Fascinating.
Do you have any brothers? Nope.
MAN [OVER RADIO]: My point is, there are many scientists who have questions - about global warming.
- TERRY: Well, that's an interesting perspective, Congressman.
Ooh.
You can tell Terry Gross is really mad at this guy.
Oh-oh-oh-oh, you can just let me off right here.
No, no, no.
We'll go right to your house.
Maybe I can meet your father.
Ah, you sure can.
Hey, there he is! Hi-diddly-ho! Daddy! [WHISPERS]: Just go with it.
God bless you and, as I like to say, a hearty woo-hoo! Well, God bless you, Mr.
Simpson.
I hate stupid Flanders! Annoyed grunt, annoyed grunt! [WHISPERS]: Thank you.
[IMITATING HOMER]: Mmm deception.
[RINGS DOORBELL] I got you a goodbye present.
I'm really good at goodbye presents.
Ordered this the day I met you.
Well, I got you a Rubik's Cube.
Solve it.
[MUMBLING SOFTLY] [GASPS] What?! My government grant was rescinded to pay for an exit latch on a new fighter plane.
The good news is, now we can meet your wonderful mother.
Oh.
That is exactly what you could do if I wasn't here to tell you my parents are going to Portugal.
- [GASPS] Oh! We love Portugal! - [FRUSTRATED GRUNT] Let me call them with our top ten pastelaria! I mean, Portugal is their layover when they connect to Lithuania! Have you been to Lithuania? No.
And it is quite a sore spot.
Lisa, I'll miss you.
Oh, no, I'm not going with them.
I'm staying with my grandfather.
That sounds right.
- Why don't you stay with us? - Stay with your family? In this home full of art and culture and you got a miniature horse? It's a rare breed that gets cuter as it ages.
Aw, oh So, what do you say? LISA: Okay, that's it.
I've been piling lie upon lie like a bad French farce.
[FRENCH ACCENT]: So what is one more? [FRENCH CHUCKLE]: Wah, wah, waah.
Okay, I will come over here every night at 7:30 after my swimming lessons.
But also, I have to leave at 6:30 every morning for my morning swimming lessons.
You're a swimmer, Lisa.
We would never presume to question your schedule.
How was your swimming lesson? It went swimmingly! - [CHUCKLES] - [LISA HUMMING A TUNE] [HOUNDS SNARLING] Wake up, sleepyhead.
[YAWNS] Oh.
Dressed so fast.
Well, when you wear the same thing every day, it's easy.
[SNORING] [GASPS] What? Huh? You were sleeping like teacher.
Oh, Ralph.
I'm deceiving all the people I love, and it's so exciting.
Lies are like stars they always come out.
Oh, my God, that's really profound.
I have five face holes.
One, two, [MUFFLED]: three, four, fi Good night, Mom.
Good night, honey.
Hello, Lisa.
[SCREAMS] Sideshow Mom! I can't believe you've been seeing another family! How did you know? I found out from Ned.
He feels so guilty about pretending to be your father, but he can't stop.
Look at me in sector 7-G! D'oh diddly d'oh! I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you guys, I really didn't, but once I started lying, I just couldn't stop.
It's like an addiction.
[SLURPING] I have no idea what that's like.
[SLURPING] Lisa, I understand that this family isn't perfect.
Your mom has her flaws, but there are a lot of people who really like her.
Mom's not the problem.
[GASPS SOFTLY] So, it's Maggie.
I know she can't speak.
She's just a little S-L-O.
It's all of us, Homer.
She's embarrassed by all of us.
No! Not at all! You said I was a chemist.
I'm not a chemist.
But you are a chemist in the way that you deal with the household spills and the way Oh, spare me.
And just what did you say I was? I said you never existed.
That's the life for me! I'm not a chemist.
I never even finished college.
I'm just someone who devotes every day to making your life a little better.
What are you gonna do to me? - I'm gonna make you get up - Yeah.
- go to the phone - Okay.
- call up that family - Oh, God.
and ask them to dinner with us.
[LISA WHIMPERS] They said they're free Saturday.
They'll be here at 7:00.
[SOBBING]: And they asked if they could bring dessert! Whew, poor kid.
Man, you're really teaching her a lesson.
We are teaching her a lesson.
And I appreciate your support.
Come back here! [WHISPERS]: Ask her if we can have pizza tonight.
You can have pizza, but your father - gets vegetables.
- D'oh! How could she be so embarrassed of her own family? We've got to help Lisa make a good impression.
Stop drinking out of that hose! Oh, so now drinking out of a hose in my own bedroom is embarrassing! [SLURPING] - [GRUNTING] - Homer.
Homer? - Homer.
- Huh? Homer.
I'm giving you a list of four things to say at dinner tonight.
Four things.
That's it.
HOMER: One, two, three [GASPS] You're right.
At dinner tonight, I don't want you to be somebody you aren't.
I also don't want you to be who you are.
- So just stick to these.
- All right.
I completely angry! That's "agree.
" Oh.
Much better.
SAM'S FATHER: And that's how my family got from Nigeria to London.
Tell me more about that.
I'm sorry, but I-I can't.
I've literally said everything you could say on the topic.
You've made me recall wonderful moments I haven't thought of in years.
It's amazing how Homer draws people out.
I completely angr a-agree.
you're a fascinating man, Mr.
Simpson.
I get my best ideas in the shower.
Tell me one.
I've been doing all the talking.
That's really interesting.
No, please.
I want to know what's in your head.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] [SNORING] Uh, you like beer? - I love beer! - [RELIEVED SIGH] Such a lovely family.
We're so glad we got to know you.
Actually, you didn't.
I lied about my family.
Mom, I'm so sorry I was ashamed.
I feel worse than I've ever felt in my life.
It will haunt the person I become forever.
Aw, honey, I'm just as bad as you.
I coached your father and brother on how to act to get through this dinner.
I've actually misled you myself.
I said I'm from Nigeria.
In truth, I moved there when I was two.
I'm from Cameroon.
Didn't you wonder why the man I told you was my father didn't look like him? I assumed he had lost all his hair and put on an obscene amount of weight.
Well, it's really hard running your own business.
You don't run your own business.
I'm starting a new farce.
Wow, honesty really kills a party.
What do you say we all go kick it in my new room? - When did you get a new room? - While everyone was focused on Lisa, I did a little remodel.
I didn't pull permits, but it's up to code.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] Boy, why did you do this? Where are you gonna sleep? Eh, sleep's for farmers.
I wanted a place to chill.
Oh, I get it.
Totally get it.
So, that's two more beers.
And [CLICKS TONGUE] what were you drinking there, Cheryl? [CHUCKLING] Cranapple martini.
My first happy ending! "I completely agree.
" I love you, Mom! I love you, Sam.
I love you, Bart.
And I love you, room.
Disco Stu, always pitchin' woo.
Ferocious, Drederick.
You and the cheetah.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] Let me in.
I need to talk to the boy! - This has gotten out of hand! - Not on the list.
Aw, come on, man, I know him.
We hang out all the time.
Sure you do.
You can come in, sweetheart.
I'll take care of this, Homie.
Move along, sir.
You're blocking the fire escape.
Oh!