The Simpsons s30e20 Episode Script

I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say D'oh

1 [LAUGHS] [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] [1960S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING] HOMER: My Three Kids.
WILLIE: Everyone, out of my kitchen! Brandine, do I come off as a yokel or a hayseed? Well, you are versatile, darlin'.
You can play anyone in the trailer trash spectrum.
A-yeah, I'm a regular Benedict Cabbage-Patch.
[CHUCKLES] RALPH: Meow! Community thespians, today we return to turn-of-the-century Oklahoma.
Farm boys are farming.
Cowboys are cowing.
And, Carl, do you think your character Ike Skidmore is bringing his cell phone to the box social in 1906? I see him as a forward-thinking guy, a tech first adopter.
You know how I see him? Not played by you! Lenny, get yourself out of that horse's patoot.
You're Ike Skidmore.
Yee-haw! A speaking part! This is gonna be tan-fastic.
Geez, don't make it into a song and dance.
I've got spurs that jingle, jangle, jing [EXCLAIMS] My spur's stuck in my eye! Carl, you're back in.
Well, only with Lenny's blessing.
- You don't have it.
- I'm doing it anyway.
Okay, Marge, this is your big song number.
You're Ado Annie, the girl who cain't say no.
Now, do you have any qualms about playing this part? - No.
- Wrong, wrong! You cain't say no.
Now, where's my handsome Curly? Right here.
Now, this I can work with.
HOMER: Okay, Maggie, what shall we do while Mommy rehearses? The dog track is closed.
You can come visit me! I didn't hear that.
Hmm, what shall we do? Why is this place so popular? Do they serve booze? Is it a baby fight club? Is there a big-screen TV? Do they serve booze? Are there free doughnuts? Meet Batman? [GASPS] Do they serve booze? [BABY TALK]: We're going to find out.
Why in the hell is Daddy and Me class packed? You'll understand everything when Chloe comes out.
Quiet, quiet, she's coming.
I borrowed my granddaughter just for this.
I said I was taking her to feed the ducks.
[SCOFFS] Like I have bread money.
- Hi, dads.
- [DADS GREET] Who's ready to do the wiggle worm dance? I vant to viggle like the vorm, ja.
A wiggle worm giggles And a wiggle worm waggles Let's all wiggle like the wiggle worm does.
Oh, I get it, she's sexy.
[GROWLS] Maggie! How long have you been here? Why does this line say "Curt" when I'm talking to Curly? No, you see, "curt" is in parentheses.
It tells you how to say the line.
Obviously lying yeah, no, I knew that.
Impressed noise.
You really know your stuff.
Okay, actors, in the words of William Shakespeare, find your "X" and shut up.
Geez, all right, easy.
All I ask is that you give me the performance I have pictured in my head but have not communicated to you.
Our curtain opens on sun-drenched fields of undulating golden corn.
O Stop, stop, stop! This set is terrible.
That corn isn't as high as an elephant's eye.
Oh, you wanted the corn to be high.
I have never seen such incompetence and idiocy in a theater.
You have made me hate you all.
Excuse my salty language in front of Aunt Eller, but why don't you just take a hike? [GASPS] Oh.
Get lost.
Losing temper, we don't want you here.
Turns to cast, I saved the play.
Marge, surely you want me to stay.
Actually, no.
For the last time, that's the one word you cain't say.
This is mine.
I brought it from home.
Now what do we do? I learned-a to speak like-a the Oklahoma for this? Con-a sarn it.
[GRUNTING] Everyone, stop, just stop.
Chief, no more gunplay.
But I wanna.
[INDISTINCT YELLING] Just listen to me! What if I directed the play? Hey, that's a good idea.
I mean, she directs Homer and the kids out of the house every morning.
And I direct traffic.
That's a stupid analogy.
I think Marge makes us all feel good about ourselves.
[SIGHS]: Mmm.
Yelling in unison.
ALL: Marge! Marge! Marge! Yay! Wait a minute, if this is a real gun, where's the prop? [GASPS] Poor Lou.
All right, you asked for it.
Uh, wh-wh-who wants Oklahoma! tickets? Front row.
I can get you three together.
[GROANS] This is a really complicated show.
So much gingham.
We need a show that we can actually pull off in Springfield.
Small cast, simple sets, and some hip-hop, but not real hip-hop.
Great, but I got to be someplace, so, real quick, the best kind of original show is one that rips off a big hit.
What's the biggest hit? Hellzapoppin'! No, Hamilton by Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Oh, the guy from In the Heights.
Now, how did I know that? I'm back! All right, who's our Alexander Hamilton? That would be me.
Thanks to this furnace filter, you won't be saying "burr" anymore.
No, our most famous historical figure [GASPS] Jebediah Springfield! I'll write a musical biography, warts and all.
I can't see how that could fail.
Now I'm in a hurry Maggie and I have a Daddy and Me class.
Aren't you forgetting something? Keys, wallet, I don't think so.
[CHUCKLING]: Oh, sure.
I'm happy to take Maggie.
You sure like that class.
Oh, uh, some dads just love to be with their little girls.
- Can I go? - Sorry, no.
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
" Oh Poor little eggy, leaking your goo.
The Red Queen's not looking, I'll kiss your boo-boo.
Humpty J.
Dumpty, are you eating yourself? Maybe.
[MARGE GROANS] Excuse me, excuse me, pal.
Take care of your kid.
I-I'm so sorry.
I was just Yeah, I know what you were just.
LISA: Let's see killed a bear, founded a town, died of a beaver bite.
Lis, you're gonna love it.
I came up with the perfect opening.
- Okay - [CLEARS THROAT] Lisa is so stupid, so very, very stupid So dumb and stupid and smelly, too She has a real bad temper, a bad, bad temper And she's smelly, too! You're just motivating me.
I need to finish this.
[WHIMPERS] Ah, my muse.
MARGE: Okay, my first day as director.
[SIGHS] So hard to dress for respect.
No.
No.
No.
Got it.
[GASPS] Hey-a, buddy, what'll it be? Moe, it's me.
Midge! I thought it was Hillary Clinton.
Give me a vodka, straight up.
Are you sure you're not Hillary? Our new production will be Bloody Bloody Jebediah, a hip-hop musical about our city's founder.
Is it respectful? Not entirely.
What?! Why don't we start by going around the circle and saying what parts we're playing.
I'm Marge, the director.
Luann, Jebediah's wife.
Carl, Quarrelsome Settler.
I got a bone to pick with this part.
Beautiful, use it.
Next.
Lenny, Mayor of Shelbyville and an ostrich.
Frink, tech crew.
Always crew.
Hollywood only lets in one Bill Nye in a generation.
[EXCLAIMS] With the nerdy and the hoyvik and the reference only I understand.
And, of course, our incredible star, Sideshow Mel.
Finally not a sidekick.
This is my time to shine.
Your first line is on page 37.
What?! Yo, Jebediah survived the pox Never used clocks Didn't wear socks, that's what we learned From examining his docs, and now the mic drops.
Boom, et cetera.
- [GROANS] - Krusty, what's wrong? It's happened the worst possible thing that can happen to a performer.
What do you mean? I'm in an article entitled, "Where Are They Now?" [SOBS] Right above Judd Nelson and New Coke.
I'll tell you where Judd Nelson is.
He's on my show tonight.
[SOBS] Ah.
Fantastic! What's that thing you were doing? Oh, uh, local theater.
You wouldn't be interested.
Hey, I'm a performer, an artist, which means I'm always interested in money.
Live theater is the only thing getting ratings these days.
Who owns the rights? A Mrs.
Marge Simpson.
Oh, really? Let's see what kind of bargain Mrs.
Marge Simpson drives.
So you'll get 80% of the profits while I get foreign distribution rights in Venezuela for a window of three weeks.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY, GROANS] So my little show's gonna be on TV live? Yep.
This is the first time a woman has signed something with me where I didn't lose custody of something.
So where will we stage it? Outside, where the lighting is free.
Ooh, are you sure that's not risky? Well, some would say I'm taking a risk with an original play and a first-time director, but show business is based on risks.
Risks and comic books.
Excuse me.
[CHUCKLES] So, Marge, are you ready to beg me to come back? Actually, Llewellyn, we're doing fine on our own.
No need to grovel.
You don't actually have to say anything.
Okay, fine, I'll come back.
No one's asking you to come back.
You know what? Just for that, I won't come back.
Fine.
Please, I'm begging you, take me back.
All right, but beware, hell hath no fury like a director scorned.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to sneak my headshot onto the wall.
And poof.
You're flushed, Plummer.
I hired you to bus tables.
- Hmm? - I'm researching a role.
[CHOMPS] Now, Mom, before you go into that production meeting, I want to pass along a quote from F.
Scott Fitzgerald.
"Great art is the contempt of a great woman for small art.
" He actually said "man," but he'd have wanted me to change it.
Didn't he also say, "Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy"? Yes, but he also said, "Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.
" But didn't he also say, "There are no second acts in American lives"? Just get in the meeting! The bagels are getting hard.
[GRUNTS HAPPILY] [DOORBELL RINGS] [CHUCKLES] There's my Jebediah.
Marge, I'm leaving the show to fulfill a lifelong dream playing Prospero in The Tempest.
You can't quit now.
We're live in three days.
We have no understudy.
And you were gonna bring the edibles for the wrap party.
Not my problem.
There's nothing I enjoy more than watching a director trying to talk an actor out of leaving for a better part.
[CACKLES] Dramatic twist! Sing a song of sixpence, a pocketful of rye Four and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie.
[CAWING, CHIRPING] Stay in there, you stupid blackbirds! [SCREECHING] Darling, you're supposed to kill the blackbirds before you put them in the pie.
Homie, Homie.
[SCREECHING] - Homie.
Homie.
- Blackbirds! Blackbirds! Homie, wake up.
What are you dreaming about? Uh, Daddy and Me class.
You are a great father.
Oh, I wish I felt like a great director.
Fine, if you want me to quit the class, I'll do it.
Who said anything about quitting? I've had enough people quit on me today.
Marge, anyone who can raise two girls and two boys the way you're doing can do anything.
You're gonna make it.
I've got a special announcement today.
You're gonna wear the perfume I bought you? Even better.
Barry's divorce came through, so I'm able to leave this class and marry him.
Come on up, Barry.
[ALL GROANING] Later, losers.
Barry's not sitting cross-legged anymore.
Uh, why him? Maybe I have the cutest baby.
Or maybe the first words I got her to say were "I love you, Chloe.
" [GIBBERING] I love you, Chloe.
We sang "Wheels on the Bus" together.
Well, that's it.
Time to [STAMMERS] Where's the baby I brought? Ah, geez.
I won't be dating her grandma anymore.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] So I guess we're not doing the class.
Wait a minute, the part you liked was spending time with me? Aw.
Well, I'll always dance with you, sweetie.
Hmm? [GASPING] [STRAINS] Okay, no pressure, but I need to find a new lead in the next 15 minutes.
Preferably a name.
Is Bumblebee Man available? No, he's playing Don Quixote in Man of La Mancha.
Damn it.
Why is this town's theater scene so vibrant? I'm here to audition for the part of Macbeth.
It's not Macbeth.
- Is it Macduff? - Not Macduff.
Well, there's no other parts worth playing! That's it.
We're doomed.
We'll just have a bake sale.
Will you serve haggis? - No.
- I'm out.
[DEEP VOICE]: A pioneer with no fear Shooting deer On the frontier Spotlight that singer.
And the crowds all cheer Jebediah Springfield Found the town right here.
[REGULAR VOICE]: Yes, glavin, it's me, with the Gomer Pyle voice and the unexpectedly good singing.
You've got the part.
[DEEP VOICE]: Thank you.
Save your voice.
[REGULAR VOICE]: All right, then.
[THUNDER ROLLS] Marge, as your producer, I'm gonna inform you of a problem, then blame you if you can't solve it.
[SIGHS] Now what? There's one thing a first-time director cannot control.
Bruce Willis? No, the weather.
Marge, it's going to rain during the show.
How hard? Well, let's just say I hope you liked the movie Waterworld.
Ambitious, eh, but unsatisfying.
You might want to consider canceling.
I don't know much about showbiz, but I know one thing: the show must go on.
Huh? I never heard that before.
Really? Well, tell me to break a leg.
Why would I do that? It's violent and cruel.
Well there's no business like show business.
Nah, nah, now that's not true.
Most show business companies are part of much larger conglomerates.
Just get the hell out.
That I've heard before.
[GRUNTS] Hmm.
Going live.
Break a leg, everyone.
- MAN: What? - MAN 2: Why would you wish that? LENNY: You're mean.
[PIANO PLAYING] Let me tell you about a mystery Of our city's history An out-of-towner was our founder Despite his latent bigotry How did this pioneer domineer Persevere, then die right here? Before the tire fire, a man named Jebediah Made Springfield the new frontier Cue camera three.
Cue Bart.
Whoa.
[DEEP VOICE]: That's right, my name is Jebediah Springfield There is none to whom I yield No king to whom I've kneeled Tonight my secrets are revealed Jebediah Springfield [HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYING] Now, this bear and I are one and the same He gave his life so that I could have fame Jebediah Springfield.
MARGE: Cut to commercial.
That's a cut to commercial, everyone.
John Lithgow? I like to work.
- Oh, uh, line, please? - "Grrr.
" No, you fool, a rescue line.
Mom, what do we do? Improvise.
Lisa, I need a five-minute rap about the cruelty of the sea and the brave souls who rise above it.
No problem.
Can I make sly analogies to today's politics? No.
You'll date it.
The bullets flew like rain As buffalo were slain Who wants to change the channel? Eh, either they're all dead or it's a hit.
Fifty-fifty.
[GASPS] And now I have a raging fever Bitten by a rabid beaver I didn't fight for equal rights I wish I'd done more for non-whites But no more time for Jebediah All that's left to do Is Die-a.
[GROANS IN REGULAR VOICE] [CHEERING] BARNEY: In unison AUDIENCE [CHANTING]: Marge! Marge! Marge! This is the happiest moment [CHOKING] Careers are getting shorter than ever these days.
Marge, we got the highest rating in modern TV history.
A 0.
6! Congratulations.
I did it.
I directed a popular off-Broadway musical.
And I wrote a popular off-Broadway musical.
And I caught an octopus on Main Street.
What a day.
And the winner for Outstanding Lead Performance in a Play or Musical.
Oh, mein Gott! It's Sideshow Mel for The Tempest.
[KRUSTY THE CLOWN SHOW THEME SONG PLAYING] Barbara, you can put the kids to bed now.
Is what I'd like to say, but I'm childless.
"One pie to the groin won't do damage," they said.
They were wrong! 12 nominations, zero awards.
Welcome to Club Snub, Marge.
Feel the bile rising, the bitterness that will never PRESENTER: And a special award for Best Newcomer, Marge Simpson.
- [GASPS] - Damn it!