The Simpsons s31e04 Episode Script

Treehouse of Horror XXX

1 [MARGE SCREAMS.]
[PANTING SHARPLY.]
[GROANS.]
Come on.
One more long one and we can get this thing done.
[LAUGHS.]
[PAINED GRUNTING.]
Congratulations! It's a boy.
- - What? Another boy? Plus Bart? That's like introducing Frankenstein to Dracula.
- - Or Cheney to Bush.
Or Ben Affleck to anybody.
Hmm.
Well, this is unorthodox, but, uh, what would you think about taking a cute baby girl instead? [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
Her mother died in childbirth.
The, uh, father is listed as 10,000 lunatics, but, uh, none of them has shown up yet.
- Sold.
- I should warn you, however.
We ran the standard newborn screen on her, and, uh, she tested positive - for evil.
- [THUNDER CRASHES.]
[LAUGHS.]
- [GRUNTING.]
- [MACHINE BEEPING.]
Still better than a boy.
Maggie darling, these stuffed animals are your fuzzy new friends.
And here's baby's first music box.
[MUSIC BOX CHIMING A LULLABY.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
[KIND MALE VOICE.]
: The cow says [DEMONIC VOICE.]
: your mother dates jocks in hell.
[BABY TALK.]
: Aw, Nemo's just like you.
His mommy died at the beginning, too.
Yes, she did.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SHRIEKS.]
"Omen"! [SHRIEKS.]
Palindrome! [SHRIEKS.]
Callback! I'm beginning to wonder if trading for this baby of unknown origin was the right thing to do.
Marge, I fed the baby! - - [SUCKS ON PACIFIER.]
- [SUCKS ON PACIFIER.]
- The baby is making us kill ourselves.
I thought this suicide was just gonna be the two of us.
We'll figure it out in hell! [MOANING.]
Oh, I must stop this spawn of Satan.
But can I really find it in my heart to kill a child? I like Morrissey.
Reality bites.
Looks like I'll be digging three graves.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
Ned, stop! It must be killed.
It bears the mark of the beast.
[BOTH GASP.]
Sorry, not that one.
What do we do? What do we do? [THUNDER CRASHES.]
Still better than a boy.
[GROANING.]
- - - - [EERIE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC PLAYING.]
[8-BIT VIDEO GAME MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS PLAYING.]
They'll never improve on this game.
My mom won't let me see the movie 'cause she thinks the scientists will scare me.
[GAME OVER MUSIC PLAYS.]
- - [8-BIT VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ALL SIGH HAPPILY.]
We'd better go.
Parachute pants, activate.
- [GRUNTS.]
- [WIND WHISTLES.]
NELSON: Smell ya later.
Riding all alone Riding all alone I shall get back safely [SNARLING NEARBY.]
Dang.
I never get to finish my "Safely" song.
[SNARLING.]
[WHEEL SQUEAKING.]
Luann! I need extra cards for my Rolodex! [CHUCKLES.]
As a yuppie, I'm making lots more friends.
Milhouse still isn't home.
And it's 2:00 in the morning.
My Swatch watch says 7:30.
Uh, see? Squiggle hand is just past the kissy lips.
Wait, no, that's the zigzag hand.
The zig the zigzag hand?! Milhouse, where are you? [GRUNTING.]
Oh, come on.
[GRUNTS.]
Maybe he's in this wall.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Kirk, you're going crazy.
Crazy?! Am I?! Does this look crazy to you, Luann? [GRUNTS.]
Does this? [GRUNTING.]
Your friend's bike crashed here.
We found his inhaler here.
And over here is his final pee stain.
He did drink a lot of New Cokes last night.
Look, what the hell year is this anyway? I'm really getting confused.
If Milhouse is in another dimension, he can communicate with us by blinking these lights.
Come on, Milhouse.
You can do it.
Admit it.
Our son is gone.
So, I can tell you.
I've been having an affair.
[GROANS.]
Is it Milhouse's break dancing tutor? Did you tell him yet? Uh [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Hold your horses.
[LIGHTS BUZZING.]
Not now, Milhouse! Mommy and Daddy are loud talking! Why don't you go to your room, sweetie? Whoa, whoa.
Easy on the electric bill there, son.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? Hello? [STATIC CRACKLES.]
MILHOUSE: Uh, i-is Lisa there? [GASPS.]
Milhouse? Uh, that depends.
Do you like Milhouse? I like Milhouse, but I don't like like Milhouse.
- Wrong number! - [DIAL TONE HUMS.]
- - [RATS SQUEAKING.]
[VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS PLAYING.]
Milhouse is alive.
I just talked to him! I think he's in another dimension.
This is my best game ever.
I'm not leaving till it's done.
MILHOUSE: Come on, Bart! Fine.
You can reach the parallel dimension via this sensory deprivation tank.
It requires somebody with an extraordinary power of mind.
Glavin.
Why did you shave your head? Was it to increase conductivity? No, I was trying to give myself bangs and it got away from me.
Now let's do this thing.
[BREATHING ECHOES.]
I made it.
I'm in the Over Under.
Yo.
Milhouse! [CRACKLING.]
You could've escaped anytime! It felt nice to be embraced.
[SNARLING.]
Okay, here's the secret.
Just hold still and they can't see you.
- See? - [SNIFFING.]
We are perfectly, perfectly - [SNARLS.]
- Oh.
I forgot we're not supposed to talk either.
Tough luck, dude.
Oh, my God! It's a twisted version of reality.
It seems like someone hasn't seen very much of season three.
[SLURPS.]
[GRUNTING.]
How ya doin'? Say hi to your mom.
I'd better use my psychic powers.
I didn't know you had psychic powers.
Girls are afraid to use them, because then we're called unfeminine.
We needlessly lost a lot of good witches at Salem.
Now I have the power to skip gym! Boo-yeah! [ROARING.]
- Dad? - Quiet, sweetie.
Daddy's at work.
[ROARING.]
Mr.
Burns opened a portal to another dimension that released a lot of monsters.
What was he looking for? It's all part of a secret government program to find monsters.
A monster ate Carl, but because Carl's inside him, the monster's my friend.
[SNARLS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
He remembers when we were kids and we used to go down to - [SHOUTS.]
- [CHOMPING, ROARING.]
Well, they won't bother us anymore.
You kids are safe.
But we are trapped in this dimension forever.
Who wants a piggyback ride? Trapped forever? It's not so bad here.
Boy, these vines sure are good at finding all the holes.
[GROANS.]
In the Over Under, housing is affordable, schools are excellent, and you can walk to shops and restaurants.
Does Amazon deliver here? They have a fleet of flying monsters.
[SNARLING.]
Well, there is one thing that's better.
At least there's no stupid Howdily-doodily, neighborino! - [SHRIEKS.]
- [ROARING.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
ANNOUNCER: Well, sir, it's fourth down and goal to go.
Quarterback Case Diggs takes the ball.
Hickory dickory dock, three ticks left on the clock.
He looks.
He throws.
- Intercepted! - [CROWD GROANS.]
The quarterback choked.
[CHANTING.]
: Choke, choke, choke! ALL [CHANTING.]
: Choke, choke, choke! Hot dog! - Uh [CHOKING.]
- Choke! [CHOKING.]
[CHANTING.]
: Choke, choke, choke, choke, choke ! Choke, choke, choke! Uh-oh.
Homer Simpson, welcome to Heaven.
Are you Saint Peter? No, I'm Saint Greeter, if you'll forgive the pun.
I don't forgive it.
Damn you ! Hmm.
Heaven doesn't look like I expected.
Yeah.
God sold out to Google.
I really wonder if I did the right thing.
- - [ALARM BEEPING OVER TV.]
Maybe global warming is real.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
- Oh, my.
This is not good.
Not good! Okay, according to this, you're not supposed to be here yet.
We have to send you back.
I get to see Marge again? And eat that tub of lasagna I have in the refrigerator? It better still be there.
Send me back now! Look, I would love to, okay? But the paramedics couldn't lift your corpse, so they rolled it into a lake.
Pretty bloated.
Ah.
Wait.
That's the before picture.
Here's the after picture.
And here's the way after picture.
It's, uh, pretty disgusting.
You've got to get me back to Marge.
Yeah, okay, got it, got it.
We'll disrupt the paradigm.
Homer, we're gonna put you in the body of someone who's supposed to die today, and you can live as them.
Ooh.
Can I live in the body of a pig? I like the freedom of not wearing pants.
Oh, there's a six-month waiting list to be a pig.
I'm so sorry.
[IMITATING PORKY PIG.]
: E-be-de-be-de-be-de.
That's all? Look, just choose one of these, okay? HOMER: Hmm.
No.
No.
Tempting, but no.
No.
Forget it.
Mm.
[GASPS.]
That's the one! Hey, man, I've been waiting here a long time.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hmm? Hello? [HOMER'S VOICE.]
: Hello, Marge.
How do you know my name? Now, don't freak out, but it's me, your husband Homer.
I died, and I'm inside the body of this football player.
How could I possibly believe that? Because I know something about you that no one else knows.
- What's that? - I forget.
[GASPS.]
It's you! Fat, fit.
Portly, sportly.
Jell-O? Hello! Mm, whatever body you're in, I love the guy inside.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God, I touched an ab.
I didn't think abs were real.
[BOTH MOANING.]
It's really weird snuggling with the body of a man who's married to someone else.
Not just someone, Miss Nude Texas.
[MARGE GRUMBLES.]
All right, Marge.
I'll find someone else's body.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Mmm.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
[BOTH GIGGLING.]
HOMER: Oh, yeah.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Homie? Homie? [GROANS.]
: Oh! You ruined that body in one night? The funeral leftovers were so good.
This is too creepy.
I want something else.
- [PHONE WHOOSHING.]
- Hmm.
It's a real tragedy more young people don't die.
Dad! You could be Superintendent Chalmers, my principal's boss.
Marge, what do you say? I would like to see Chalmers with somebody.
He's so lonely.
Boom.
He's dead.
You-you wanted to see me, sir? Skinner! Because of new school rules, from now on, Bart gets all A's.
[WHISPERING.]
Give yourself a purple nurple.
- [SQUEAKING.]
- Purpler.
Purpler.
This is pure indigo.
He said, "Purpler.
" - Yes, sir.
[GRUNTS.]
- [SQUEAKING.]
A toast to my new life as public school administrator.
And now to open my paycheck and see what I make.
[GASPS.]
Next.
[SNORING.]
[MARGE GRUNTING.]
This has gotten out of hand.
You're changing bodies so much, I don't even know who I'm married to anymore.
Oh, so that's why I'm rooting for the apes in Planet of the Apes.
Oh, please, just pick one man I can be with for the rest of my life.
He doesn't have to be perfect.
He just has to love me like you do.
Hmm.
I know just the guy.
Well, I had my doubts, but this works.
This is great.
My brain in Moe's body.
[MOE'S VOICE.]
: Yeah, and I'm in here.
And, uh, Midge, I'm, uh I'm very thirsty.
Ew.
[BIRD CAWS.]
So, I'm the first person to ever be fired by the DMV for a bad attitude.
Isn't that something? Huh? Isn't it? I need to sneak a smoke.
[SQUAWKING.]
[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMS.]
[TAPPING ON GLASS.]
I am Kang the Conqueror.
I am Selma the available.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
This is so romantic.
Let me get a look at you.
Aah! Oh, you don't like what you see.
Quite the contrary.
"Aah" is our word for "beautiful.
" Oh.
[LAUGHING.]
[HEAVY, RASPY BREATHING.]
Freak.
- [SMACKING LIPS.]
- Can you turn yourself? We're gonna make out.
Just kill me now.
[BOTH MOANING.]
What's wrong, my darling? My sister says you just want to eat me, or for a green card.
Or a human zoo.
Two of those are ridiculous.
Quick! Hide! Hello.
Just want you to know we'll be dissecting you tomorrow.
But I could teach you the secret of clean, natural energy.
Then I'll dissect you tonight.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- We have to save you! What do you want? How'd you like me to go to a distant galaxy and never return? You rang? [BIRD CAWS.]
We've come to get you out, my love.
Oh, we're using the "L" word, huh? Should've been a conversation, but okay.
- This thing is full of rats.
- [RATS SQUEAKING.]
Very thoughtful.
[MAKES MUNCHING SOUNDS.]
Hold it right there, Simpson.
What are you up to? Um, I am, uh, you know, uh, cover story, stalling for time, cover story, hemming, hawing, excuse, alibi.
Promotion? - [GUNFIRE.]
- [TIRES SQUEALING.]
Don't shoot at the van.
Shoot at the driver.
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
Not my driver.
My partner Kodos will meet us at the top of Mount Springfield.
- Partner? - Writing partner.
They told us, if you want to make it in showbiz, you have to be on Earth.
[WHIRRING.]
Sorry I'm late.
By mistake, I went to that other Earth where the South won the Civil War.
Far fewer Confederate monuments.
[GUNFIRE.]
- [BULLETS RICOCHETING.]
- SELMA: Kang.
I've been hit.
One moment, my love.
[WHIRRING.]
[SINGSONGY.]
: Nah! Nah! Missed me! [GROANS.]
Fear not, my sultry smokestack.
I can heal you.
- [WHIRRING.]
- [SELMA GRUNTS.]
[LAUGHING.]
[COUGHING.]
Maybe you should cut down a little, dear.
For the baby.
- You mean ? - That's right.
I'm pregnant.
Mmm.
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- Selma, no! You two are too different.
You're a Leo, and he's a Sagittarius.
I'm from Sagittarius.
[CRYING.]
: Oh, don't go, Selma.
Please.
I can't live without you.
Oh [CHUCKLING.]
I have to warn you I'm gay.
That's all right.
I have 32 sexual identities.
I'm Klingon curious, always up for some Wookiee nookie or an R2 threesome, not to mention some Deep Space Nine, or possibly Jabba the Butt.
Are you enjoying the honeymoon planet? Why didn't we come here in the cool season? This is the cool season.
Shall I get a sweater for you, dear? It's 4,000 degrees.
Nag, nag, nag.
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]