The Simpsons s31e09 Episode Script

Todd, Todd, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?

1 Okily-dokily, okily-dokily Come meet Ned Flanders And his two boys Rod and Todd He's friends with God and has a ripped bod Diddly Doodily, diddly Doodily - - Diddly Doodily Diddly, doodily, diddly No couch, boys.
I gave it to the poor.
- Yay! - Yay! - - A-diddly-doodily Diddly-doodily.
Neddy? Neddy.
Oh, Maude, you've come back.
Completely clothed and untouchable.
This is the sexiest dream I've ever had.
Wait, Maudie.
Just one little kiss.
(HOWLS) All tongue, no lips.
Just like Maude.
(CRYING) Daddy, why are you crying? Oh, just watering the old lip lawn.
I had a dream about your mom.
Don't you ever dream about her? Faster, Mommy, faster.
Aah! Ow! (SCREAMS) What's wrong, Todd? I can never unsee that.
(WHIMPERS) It's okay, son.
Just a bad dream.
Want some lukewarm water? Daddy, I can't remember what Mommy looks like.
I think I might have a video or two of your mother.
ROD: What's wrong? (SCREAMS) I'm doing Mommy's old skin routine.
Now, that's the healthy way to grieve.
(TODD GROANS) (HUMMING "DECK THE HALLS") (GIGGLES) I'm scared.
Well, I have faith in you.
Who are you people, and what have you done with my family? - Answer me! - (CHUCKLES) Oh, Dad, every time we make you shovel the driveway, you wind up someplace crazy.
Won't you join us for dinner? (CHUCKLES): He sure will.
I'll pick him up tomorrow.
(CRYING): Mommy was so nice.
And she still is, Roddily Doddily.
How do you know? Have you heard from her? Oh, uh, n-no, sir.
But, uh, faith is believing in something without proof.
Uh, you can't see my lip below my mustache, - but you know it's there.
- Can I see it? No.
My math teacher said believing in something without proof is crazy.
You think the coat of many colors was crazy? Noah's ark and the Holy Ghost, crazy? Don't tell me you're doubting Balaam's talking ass.
Mommy, if you still remember me, give me a sign.
This is Homer Simpson auditioning for the air guitar championship of the world.
I'm taking you down, Bjorn Turoque.
(IMITATING GUITAR PLAYING) Praise God from whom All blessings flow Praise God It's almost time to go This boring sermon Must end soon Arena football's On at noon.
- - HOMER: Ooh! (CROWD CHEERING) Whoo-hoo! And for that simple reason, we are right and Episcopalians are wrong, wrong, wrong.
Now I'd like to invite our littlest parishioners to the front.
Gertie, a little traveling music, please? (SLOW HYMN PLAYING) Soon as we can, we're replacing her with Spotify.
I'm taking middle C.
So, tell me, young Christians, if you could speak to Baby Jesus, what would you say? I'd say thank you for being born, 'cause that gave us Christmas.
ALL: Aw! Mmm, I'm killing it.
Ralph, what would you say? I'd say, "Baby Jesus, thank you for dying for our shins.
" (CONGREGATION CHUCKLES) And you, Todd? What would you say? (HOARSELY): I lost my voice from crying.
Oh, come on, young man.
You're my closer.
("CHARGE" PLAYING) What would you say to Jesus? I'd say thanks for nothing! My mommy's dead and she's never coming back, and I don't believe in God anymore.
(FEEDBACK SCREECHES) (CONGREGATION GASPS) No.
No! (WHIMPERS) Thank God these collection baskets were empty.
You're welcome.
A mighty problem is our Todd His faith in God Is failing Homer accidentally killed his mom He knocked her off a railing.
Now, son, let me put this gently.
We're all going to hell! You opened a doorway to disbelief in God's own house! Why does God need so many houses? Couldn't some go to poor people? You just stop right there, boy.
You do not question God's real estate holdings and tax-free status.
(EXHALES) I have to let off a little steam.
Shucks! Shucks! Shucks! - - (GRUNTS) That's it.
Young man, I am FaceTiming the reverend.
(CHUCKLES): Reverend, I know you hate it when I bother you.
(THEME FROM SWAN LAKE PLAYING) - Aah! - (CRYING) It's okay.
It's okay.
I'm at my daughter's ballet recital.
Oh, is she good? Seriously, are any of them good? Reverend, like the pharaoh's army in the Red Sea, I'm in over my head.
My heathen son needs you right now.
Oh, sorry, got to go.
I have to read the last rites for the art of ballet.
Lord, please punish my boy thoroughly so he may once again believe in thine divine mercy.
- Daddy, I have a problem.
- Oh, you, too? I accidentally watched a 30 Rock by mistake.
Oh! Oh, my good, good boy.
- Mmm.
- So it's okay to watch? Just Kenneth.
Just Kenneth.
Mmm.
(GROANS) Good morning, Rod.
Todd.
God.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Let us, uh, stiffly resume our nice, regular routine.
Dear Lord, we thank you for this breakfast, each generic brand Circle-O a symbol of God's unending love.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Todd? Son? Can I just get an amen? A prayer without an amen is like a Tootsie Pop without a center.
Oh, I apologize for thinking the word "tootsie.
" But there must be a way to scare religion back into my son.
Isn't there some hell on earth I could briefly place him in? HOMER: Let me in, boy! The school bus will be here any minute! (LAUGHS) To find your clothes, just solve this series of clues: what has bark but no bite? Um, the dog? (IMITATES BUZZER) Wrong.
A tree.
- (GROANS) - Here's another.
If a plane crashes on the border of North and South Dakota, where do you bury the survivors? Uh, Minnesota.
(IMITATES BUZZER) Wrong.
You don't bury the survivors.
They're survivors! I don't understand, but I'll bury you.
Tell you what.
I'll give you your pants back - if you can answer this last one.
- Uh-huh.
- What has two hairs on top - Right.
- is somebody's dad - Somebody's dad, yes.
and starting right now he's getting quite mad? I don't know, but just give me my pants, boy! (KIDS LAUGHING) (BART LAUGHS) Can we take pictures? Wait, you see that, too? FLANDERS: That Simpson house will put the fear of God in him.
Give me your pants.
Todd Flanders, I cast thee out.
His little mind Is filled with doubt So now we have to cast him out You'll learn the Lord is sweet On his journey of 40 feet.
Daddy, do you love me more now? (CHUCKLES) Just by asking, you have committed the sin of pride.
Yes, Ned, yes.
We'll keep him here till tomorrow.
Yes, I'll read him a good bedtime story.
Right, right.
No wizards.
No pagans.
No wild things.
How about The Very Hungry Caterpillar? No, that celebrates gluttony.
Clifford the Big Red Dog? (SCOFFS) Clifford the satanic abomination.
Everyone Poops? Not me.
Todd.
Psst! Todd.
I know what it's like to leave the faith of your family.
Thank you so much, Lisa.
At last, someone gets it.
(NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING) But have I got a god for you.
Consider the Buddha.
He brings peace from within.
He avoids the pitfalls of ego, he loves yoga and Yoda, and he's lost weight.
What happens when you die? You get reincarnated as a human or an animal or a ghost.
Pass.
Buddha's no god, and neither is God.
Don't worry, I'll get him.
By the way, what did you reincarnate David Bowie as? Help me, love.
It's Bowie.
(GASPS) I've been meditating too much.
Where's Todd? It was horrible.
I woke up, and he'd cleaned my room.
What kind of psycho does that? Hi, Grampa Simpson.
(EXCLAIMING) You're talking to me directly? Even my Alexa won't do that.
ELDERLY FEMALE VOICE: Being with him has made me so tired.
HOMER: Hey, Marge, you may have noticed I took a shower earlier this week.
(MAKES KISSING SOUNDS) I can't.
I can't.
Not with Todd in the house.
Oh, we've had kids in the house for ten years.
Not that one.
He's used to silence.
- He'll hear us.
- No, he won't.
TODD: Yes, I will! Oof! Got to get rid of that kid.
Can it be? Oh, my goodness! The face of our Lord and Savior in a humble piece of toast? Clearly, no human could have made this.
Huh? And the Lord said, "Take this and eat, for I am the toast of the town.
" - You drew that on.
- No, no.
God drew it on.
Look, he signed it.
"Jebus.
" See? Why would God make toast that looked like Jesus? 'Cause parents are always showing off pictures - of their kids? - (MUNCHING) (CRYING): So much innocent bread died for my sins.
(SOBBING) So innocent.
What is good And what is sin Bart wants to get rid of him.
Yo, this is Todd.
I have to share my room until he believes in God again.
You don't believe in God? Well, that's crazy.
Who else but an all-loving, omnipotent being could create beautiful wedgies and purple nurples? Not so fast.
What if I'm the only being in the universe, and you're all my mental projections? Project this! I must have wanted this to happen! So now that you see how bad kids turn out, you want to go home, right? Stop using us as examples! I believe your friends - are all going to Hell.
- Whoa! - Yeah! - Cool! - (HOMER GIGGLING) - (MARGE MOANING) (HOMER AND MARGE MOANING) TODD: I hear you! What doesn't that little twerp hear? TODD: I don't know, but I heard that.
(DRYER RATTLING) (QUIETLY): Okay.
He can't hear us now.
TODD: Yes, I can.
You're unbuttoning your shirt, Mr.
Simpson.
- - What does that paper say? LISA: Oh.
Hi, Todd.
Still seeking enlightenment? I told you, not now.
Maybe I'll reconsider your stupid beliefs when I come back as a worm.
In Buddhism, that's halfway to "yes"! Look, Todd, you don't have to believe.
In church, just smile and nod, but be sleeping on the inside.
That works at work, too.
But I really don't believe.
I'm sad because my mommy's gone and never coming back.
You know how that feels? Oh, do I.
Oh, no, don't relive it.
Don't! You don't come home for dinner till 10:00 at night.
You never cook anything worth eating.
Well, who wants to cook for a failure? Good God, woman, why did you marry me? To piss off my mother, and it worked! Tell the kid I love him, but I'm as bad at goodbyes - as I am at picking husbands.
- (GRAMPA GROANING) (CRYING): My mom is gone.
And so is my ice cream.
And so is my hair! Moe, I got to get drunk.
And fast.
FLANDERS: I'll take one, too.
BOTH: What the ?! I'm losing everything.
Just give me a drink! I'm sorry, Flanders.
I can't pour you a drink.
You're too good.
It's just, it's not something I can do.
Please.
I'm begging you.
Yeah, that's $24.
Ned Flanders is drinking today Allelujah His son Todd has gone astray Allelujah Raise your mug and drink it down Allelujah BARITONE SINGER: In the worst bar In this town Allelujah.
(SLURRING): You know, Homer, I always thought you proved the existence of God.
I mean, you fall off cliffs, and you're fit as a fiddle.
Well, ain't that a diddle! (LAUGHS) - Diddly, diddly.
- (LAUGHS) - Diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle.
- (LAUGHS): Diddly, diddly.
Whoa! (BOTH LAUGHING) So this is what it's like to look down on someone.
(BELCHES) You know what, Ned? There may there may not be a heaven, but getting drunk with you ain't hell.
(BOTH LAUGH) (MUMBLES): Oh, you're great.
This is the beginning of a beautiful (GRUNTING) You killed them! This is the worst Uber ride ever! You're getting four stars.
No ! Welcome to Heaven.
Oh, Lord.
It's just as beautiful as I pictured it.
This is your version, Ned.
Homer gets his, too.
So, not like I'm feeling I put in way too much work, but Homer got in, too? Well, a couple of years ago, sloth became a virtue.
I don't really understand it.
You'd have to talk to my kid.
He's 33 and still lives at home.
I've been through some stuff, man.
(GASPS) Abe Lincoln! Did you know the picture about my life is Spielberg's biggest movie? No! What about Jaws and E.
T.
, and all the Jurassic ? Well, how did I do in the awards? - You were beaten by Argo.
- Argo?! That was the worst experience I ever had in a theater.
You have other people to see.
- Wear these passes.
- Visitors? Hmm, that's odd.
It must mean that your bodies aren't dead yet.
We need you now O God on high So stupid Flanders and Homer don't die.
Ned Flanders, I swear to you I will use every ounce of skill in my body to bring you back to life.
(SNIFFLES) What about Homer? Mm, qué será, será.
(LAUGHS) (SOBBING) (SOBBING) Oh, my.
They're holding a vigil.
Look how many, many lives Dad touched.
That's Flanders' vigil.
Dad's is over there.
Vigils are a surprisingly large part of this job.
Oh, yeah! So sad! Dad's an acquired taste, Lis, like Hawaiian pizza.
Dad never judged a pizza by where it came from.
(CRIES) He just ate it.
BART: God, this is just you and me, so I'm gonna tell you a secret.
I love my dad, so please don't take him.
(LISA CRIES) Bart, what are you praying for? New bike.
Are you sure you don't want to pray for your dad? I can't pray.
I don't think anyone's listening anymore.
Oh, sweetie, prayer doesn't have to be to God.
It can also just be an honest conversation we have with ourselves.
Just do what your heart tells you.
Oh, I'm not really sure what's happening, but I'm really sad, and I need help.
Rejoice, rejoice O Springfield town 'Cause what goes up Must come down.
(BUZZING) (SHIP HORN BLOWS) (CHEERING) I'm winning every bet! And there's no stupid Fox halftime show.
Could Heaven be any better? (MUNCHING) I agree.
This is everything I could possibly dream of.
(PLAYS PRETTY CHORD) (GASPS) Todd is praying.
He's praying for me.
(LAUGHS) And it's working! I'm returning to my family! Bye, Homer.
- Homer? - Mom? I never got a chance to say goodbye, but now I can.
Remember, I'm not a hugger.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
You never need to apologize to me.
In my eyes, you're perfect.
Ah, we're in Heaven.
Come here, you.
Oh, my God, this is all I ever wanted! HOMER: Aw, damn it! Hallelujah! I'm alive and back in this big beautiful world.
I could kiss the first thing I see.
Ah.
Promise is a promise.
- Homie! - Dad! - Doughboy! - Yay! Daddy, you came back! I believe again! Two lives saved by prayer.
And modern medicine.
This is why I became a doctor.
Because you both owe me $12,000.
(LAUGHS) No, no, no, no.
Nirvana is for closers, and you couldn't close the deal.
- But-but - But-but-but-but-but nothing! You couldn't even close Todd frickin' Flanders! That kid would follow a butterfly.
Just give me one more chance.
Do you think I got to be Buddha by being patient?! Check this out.
I got you Ralph Wiggum.
Ralph Wiggum? What am I gonna do with Ralph Wiggum? Everything is nothing! Kid, you just blew my mind.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) Good night, Roddy.
Ha! Praise God from whom all blessings flow Praise God It's almost time to go Todd has found just what he seeks New episode in two weeks.