The Simpsons s31e11 Episode Script

Hail to the Teeth

You'd be a lot prettier if you smiled.
What? Who are you? I'm a man.
So I know what I'm talking about.
Smile and you'll be a lot more popular.
Are you serious? You know I'll remember this forever, right? Well, that's what therapy's for.
And he told me I wouldn't be pretty unless I smiled.
Sweetie, you are very pretty.
And thanks to the puberty app on my phone, we can see what lies ahead.
This can't be real.
I already had braces.
Well, I-I'm afraid you have to get them again.
The man we thought was your orthodontist was actually a rogue periodontist.
(SCOFFS) Rogue periodontist.
This family cheaps out on everything.
Homer took me to a "psychiatrist".
After three sessions, I figured out it was a goat with glasses.
(BLEATS): Never went back.
(QUIETLY): Braces? Again? Why am I the only one in this family who needs braces? (MOUTHPIECE CREAKING) (PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ) - (LAUGHS) - Don't look so smug, boy.
Let's try this app on you.
Hello, Aaron Eckhart.
(PURRS) Whoa-ho! Puberty! Let's see what comes next.
- Cool.
- Homie, look.
We got this in the mail today.
- HOMER: Aw, what is it? - Did I get drunk and buy useless stuff on eBay again? - Let's get more.
- Hello, Simpsons.
It's me, Artie Ziff, in prerecorded form.
So you can't talk to me.
I can't? No, you can't.
(QUIETLY): Pause for laughs.
And thank you.
Artie Ziff? Isn't that the rich guy who could have been our dad? I am the only man your mother has ever been with, and she doesn't have a single regret.
- Well - You stay out of this, Marge! Great news: I'm getting married, and you're invited! - HOMER (GROANS): Oh.
- Why, you ask, am I getting married? - I've found my soul mate! - (FIREWORKS POPPING) - Jealous? - (EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS) April 12th, very rich man's wedding.
Regrets only.
Chicken or fish.
Or vegan.
Bye! So, what else is in the mail? We got a flyer from Lowe's! (GASPS) Three-quarter plywood.
$20 a sheet! I'm a-comin'! Oh, I don't have a car.
You're not really thinking of going, are you? That jerk kept trying to break us up.
Now, I am sensing conflicted feelings.
If you come, I promise you a wonderful time.
- Champagne, caviar, - (FANFARE PLAYING) deep-fried ice sculptures, a guy who guesses your weight, who always guesses low! (EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS) Thank you.
And now to celebrate, here's Tupac Shakur! Don't be tardy My boy Artie is throwing a party This wedding's gonna be fly Why won't you people let me die? How do you turn this off? There's no off to the Artie show.
- I decide when - Please set me free.
Oh, here it is.
TUPAC: God bless you.
(SINGING HAPPILY) Now everyone's favorite: rinse and spit.
(GARGLES) And I'm done with the top braces.
We'll put the bottoms in next week.
And after that, just a lifetime of wearing retainers.
Well, they're practically invisible.
(SLURRED): I can't close my mouth.
The brackets are holding up your lips at the edges.
They'll adjust.
The main thing is you're happy.
I'm not happy.
- Have a little nitrous.
- (GAS WHOOSHES) (GIGGLES) Oh, they should revoke your license.
Ha! More, please.
- That's enough.
- No, it's not! - (GAS WHOOSHES) - Yeah, give me that.
I thought your name is "Kidzrule".
Shortened from "Kidzrulovitch", which is Romanian for "kill all the children".
That elevator has the capacity for 32 people! (SIGHS) We brought a rhino up here last week.
- HOMER: Hmm.
- - Hmm.
- (CALF MOOS) - Hmm! - My headaches are so bad.
You're one in a million.
Don't fall off the roof.
Homer Simpson! The man who beat me to planet Marge.
You've done all right for a billionaire.
Hey, I'm not made of money.
Although, actually I am.
After my parole, I got rich selling fireplace logs that look like cash, i.
, Money to Burn.
(CHUCKLES) That is the greatest.
It says "Money to Burn".
It looks like you're burning money! Yes, that's the idea.
(LAUGHING): No, no, no.
It's so funny.
Don't you get it? Of course get it.
I thought of it.
No, no, no.
Listen, it says "Money to Burn", but it's actually (LAUGHING) I know! I know! Talk to someone else.
Hey, pal, you're a news guy.
Give it to me straight.
Is this wedding on the level? Here's the scoop.
It's legit! In other news, local newsman hopes to score with caterer.
This just in: she knows I'm married.
Coming up at 11:00: nothing.
Now, Homer, as this is a bachelor party, I want to show you something.
But, uh, no word to the wives.
How did you meet your wife, by the way? Usual: boy meets girl, girl meets bank account.
Now, shut your eyes.
You've never seen a body this enticing.
(GASPS) Exactly what I imagined! (GRUNTS, CHEWS NOISILY) - Food coma.
He'll be fine.
(CHEWS NOISILY) - (FLATLINING BEEP) - (GROANS) BOTH: Hey, girlfriend! Uh, who, me? Lisa, did you get your eyebrows waxed? You look amazing! I don't have eyebrows.
Well, check out these twin caterpillars.
Huh? Huh? What's going on? Her smile makes me feel full, like I actually ate dinner last night.
If you never eat, how come you're so fat? - (GRUNTS) - Ow! Americans can be fat and poor.
That's what makes us so great.
And so, after saving Wilbur, Charlotte crawled off to die, as all barn spiders do (SNIFFLES) in the fall.
(SOBS) Bravo, Lisa.
What a positive note on which to end the class.
(SNIFFLES) Positive? Positive? Charlotte died alone at the saddest place on Earth, an empty fairground.
Well, your smiling face made dying alone fun.
And believe me, that's where I'm headed.
So as long as I'm smiling, it doesn't matter what comes out of my mouth? Or your nose.
I don't need these anymore.
This'll go good in Willie's stew.
LISA: Can it really be that people are this shallow? (CHANTING): Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! And am I shallow enough to enjoy this? (GASPS) I am! (STRAINING GRUNT) I'm so happy, I could sing! (SINGS) Hello, world! Ow, ow, ow.
That really hurts with the braces.
- Take your pick.
- What is it? No idea.
The labels are in Spanish.
(RHYTHMIC RATTLING) - Hey, gorgeous.
- Hey, Bart.
Lisa? Oh, yuck! I didn't know that was you.
(COUGHING, GAGGING) It's the smile.
It's totally changed how people see me.
Well, I just want you to know, you'll always be gross to me.
Oh, thank God.
I was having doubts, trying to figure out if this is sexist.
And then I found this.
- (LOW, OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) - (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) It seems like ever since the pill, the workplace has been full of single women.
Here's your coffee, Jim.
Extra sugar, just how you like it.
Remind me to get a divorce.
But some women are having trouble "fitting in".
Well, I can't figure it out, Jim.
I was all prepared for a big presentation, but it went over like a nun at a go-go bar.
Well, there's one thing you didn't prepare, and that's your face.
But I'm wearing a pound of Mary Kay.
Let me touch your body and show you the problem.
No need to ask.
You've got a secret weapon sitting in the middle of your face.
Now you're sure to get that promotion.
- Really? - (LAUGHS) No.
Ugh! Don't you see why I hate this? 'Cause you hate everything? Because it makes that jerky old guy right! I am more popular because I'm smiling.
Not a single picture of Artie.
Maybe he has matured.
Well, I guess being here sort of ends a chapter in my life.
So, lehayim.
That's odd.
Not one person from the bride's family.
We need someone to walk the bride down the aisle.
- Could you? - First, tell me one thing: How long is the aisle? About 20 feet.
All right, I'll do it.
But double cake.
(SNIFFLES) They grow up so fast.
I knew this day would come.
(SOBS) You'll always be my little girl.
If he ever hurts my baby, I'll kill him.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Friends, family, I take great delight in informing you that the bride and groom have written their own vows.
(CROWD GROANS) Stick to the script, amateurs! (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, my God.
This is too weird.
Artie, you are the greatest lover ever.
When we make sex, it is so, so good.
I can't take this anymore.
We're getting out of here.
This is really creepy.
Even the rhino's leaving.
You may now kiss the bride.
(ARTIE GROANS) And this is a picture of us at our wedding.
You're so happy.
And here's us on our honeymoon.
- Two days in Ohio, two days in Michigan, - and, booyah, up to Ontario for some international flavor.
(CHUCKLES) I'm not happy.
MILHOUSE: I have a drawing of you saying that in Michigan.
This smile is so wrong.
There's nothing to be happy about.
The world is a mess, and so is this school.
I mean, how hard is this? The happy girl put the thing in the hole! Wait a minute.
I could use my new power to change these things, use it for good.
(GRUNTING) Indubitably.
KEARNEY/JIMBO/DOLPH: Hear, hear! Hear, hear! I can make it happen.
Hurry! You posers.
I was for Lisa before it was cool.
You never liked Lisa.
What? You got to remember that.
That's my one thing! No.
Your thing is crying when you're punched.
- Prove it.
- (GRUNTS) Ow! (CRYING) Aw, you're taking all the fun out of it.
The polls are in, and you're doing great.
You're picking up the key group: girls who don't like Milhouse.
You're big with swing voters, but the teeter-totters could go either way.
What about the kids on the slide? Eh, they're up and down, but the kids on the monkey bars are climbing.
That's all I got.
Like every election with one week to go, this is in the bag.
Don't be so sure.
I'm up against a tough opponent: Dubya Spuckler.
Look at this negative ad he did.
Lisa Simpson says "writin'" ends with a "G" and "'rithmetic" starts with a "A".
You know what I say? Don't worry.
You just keep smiling.
Well, I do have an orthodontist appointment tomorrow for a tune-up.
In the bag, Madam President.
Bup, don't be so sure.
Hey, I drew a picture of your inauguration.
I don't think I've ever looked more radiant.
(HUMMING) Okay, kid.
Your bottom braces are on.
(GASPS) What happened to my smile? No, no, no, this is terrible.
I look like I actually feel.
In six months, you'll have perfect teeth.
Six months? I have to smile now.
No, I can power through this.
Uh, Ralph lost his retainer in the trash.
What can we, uh, do here? New ones are $500.
Uh, so just what is this secret mission, Chief? - Well, let's just say you're on retainer.
- (CHUCKLING) - Let's see.
I'll take this.
- Aw, stop that.
Aw, come on, Marge.
This minibar is paid for.
Do you know the street value of this Toblerone? Homer, stop it.
I can't help thinking about that poor woman.
Artie only married her because she looks like me.
I mean, a lot like me.
You're right.
We have to find her and tell her.
But, first, there's something naughty I want to do with this bed.
(GIGGLES) Are you sure we should be here? This is technically his honeymoon.
ARTIE: Achm! Achm! Achm! Artie? I'm at the lowest point of my life! But come on in.
As a woman, I just want to tell your wife what's really going on here.
Sure, why not? Say it to her face! (BOTH SCREAM) Now you know my secret.
I've spent years trying to build the perfect copy of the only woman for me: you, Marge.
But they were all inferior in some way.
This one lacks kindness.
This one keeps trying to kill me.
This one's head is a toaster! And the slots aren't even big enough for a bagel! Why would you marry a machine? I didn't.
It was one last trick.
I thought when you saw how perfect we look together, you would realize that we were meant to be.
I am, as the poet once said, a dumb schmuck.
- Artie.
- Yes? You're not dumb.
You're smart.
And I think this crazy project actually had some brilliance in it.
Imagine if you use that noodle for good.
Only you could find a pearl in the flabby oyster that is me.
I will become a better human being.
And then you'll love me? No.
Well, then, I finally give up.
Or do I? Aw, damn it.
Artie, you and your blue crew of Margekateers have done so many good deeds.
What's next? I'm gonna make one of them my bride.
Hey, I didn't give you wings.
MARGE BOT: Life finds a way! - Uh, let's quiet down, please.
- (EXCITED CHATTER) The sooner we can get this debate over, the sooner the teachers can get ice cream.
CROWD: Boo! - None for Seymour.
He gets gassy.
- Yeah, I-I know.
And now we have a very special moderator, Governor Mary Bailey.
Our first candidate is Dubya Spuckler.
CROWD (CHANTING): Dubya! Dubya! That's your brother.
He prefers the pronoun "they", on account of the twin he absorbed in my belly.
Our other candidate is ill, so she'll be Skyping in.
Lisa Simpson.
Lisa, I'm sorry, what do you have? What I have is an agenda for this school, an agenda that looks forward.
I can deliver results, while my opponent can't even spell "results".
Yes, I can.
R-E squiggly letter, bucket letter, tall man, little plus sign, squiggly letter.
- "Results".
- (SCATTERED CHEERS) That's not how you spell "results".
(LOUDLY): Lisa doesn't sound sick at all.
(NERVOUS LAUGH) (QUIETLY): You said you've done this before.
It was my machismo talking.
(CROWD GASPS) (GASPS) Lisa's using a funny-face app.
(PANTING) (GROANS) Listen, I tried to fool you, and that was wrong.
This is an abomination! What are you doing at a school debate? My illegitimate son goes here.
Oh, the shame.
I still have good ideas.
All I hear is "nag, nag, nag".
CROWD (CHANTING): Dubya! Dubya! Dubya! Dubya! (GROANS): Oh, boy.
I didn't want to believe my popularity was based on my stupid smile.
(GROANS): Oh, but it was.
You're just a kid, and things are changing.
In the future, women will be judged by what they say, not how they look.
Maybe, but the future is a really long way away.
Told you you should smile more.
The future is now! (WHOOPS) A toast.
I have finally perfected you.
You all look just like Marge, and you will never leave.
Now, which of you lucky girls wants to party with Arty? (STILTED): I am in power save mode.
Oh, fine.
What about you two? (STILTED): Power save.
(STILTED): One percent battery.
Hmm? I just don't like you.
Oh! That counts as a kiss.
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