The Simpsons s31e19 Episode Script

Warrin' Priests (Part 1)

1 They want me back? (SHRIEKS) - - (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) (BURPS) (TIRES SCREECH) D'oh! (GRUNTS) (SHUDDERING) No one's here today.
Even the choir's late.
Michael, take the carpool lane Hallelujah They just crossed the double line Traffic school them.
Mom, with all the room, do we have to sit so close to the geezers? - It's too hot.
- It's too cold.
I'm not even alive.
What time does Joan Rivers come on? She doesn't.
This is a church, and it's not your church.
New Testament? Oy-yoi-yoi, when did this happen? Alexa, play Tranquil Organ Radio.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) Peace be with you.
ALL: And also with you.
Oh, you can do better than that.
ALL: We can, but we don't want to.
I can't hear you.
ALL: You clearly can.
Lord, either make this interesting or just rapture me now.
Clancy Wiggum is meeting his quota.
Hey! That's illegal.
Oh, sorry.
You know what? Here.
Have a quarter, Chief.
You think you can bribe me with a? Oh, my God! Those are the gentlest eyes I've ever seen.
Linen shirt.
Natural highlights.
You want to hold my gun? Y-You can.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks.
I was hoping maybe you could point me - to the church in town.
- Church? Yeah, straight down this street.
First steeple you see.
That is not it.
That's the Eiffel Tower strip club.
They have a French onion soup that is, uh, well, it's just okay.
And I guess that's about all.
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING) You shall bore me no more! (GRUNTS) You're going the wrong way! No, I-I want to go this way.
I love God.
If you love him so much, why don't you marry him? Penny.
IOU for one penny.
Bode Wright.
Recovery meetings are downstairs.
Booze to the right, huffers to the left.
Sorry, I'm here about the ad.
On Christslist? About you guys needing a-a youth pastor? I didn't place any ad.
I placed the ad.
- Bode.
Nice cross.
Tim's are chewed to nubs.
I-I chew my crosses.
Nervous habit.
Do you have any experience, Bode? I used to work in Michigan.
Had to use bottled holy water.
(CHUCKLES) Uh-huh.
Education? I, uh, have a master's in divinity with a focus on biblical languages.
- Greek, Hebrew - You're hired.
Up-bup-bup-bup-bup! It doesn't work that fast.
We have I-9s and W-2s, collar fittings.
And, besides, I'm the one in charge.
In the end, isn't God in charge here? Do you see Jimmy Buffett at every Jimmy Buffett café? I don't think so.
Hey, can I have this? Marge could use it to serve me snacks while I'm on the toilet.
- Oh, just take it.
- So, Bode, - do you have anywhere to stay? - Not yet.
I saw a motel by the tire fire.
- He'll stay with us.
- No way.
Uh, Reverend? The homeless are here for their foot washing.
I'm looking for a mani-pedi and an eyebrow wax.
I guess I could use a little help around here.
Thank you.
I won't let you down.
We don't hug here.
Uh, I'm here for the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
It's usually me, Lenny, Carl, Bumblebee Man, Kent Brockman.
But don't tell anyone.
Downstairs to the right.
Also, Lunchlady Dora, King Toot, and a man I'll identify as Disco S.
Disco S is quite a mess.
- - Hmm.
Oh, Marge, this is embarrassing.
We don't need counseling.
We do need counseling.
I'm carrying a lot of anger.
Just do what I do.
Come home and have a hot dinner waiting for you.
- (MARGE GROANS) - Well, let me just say that I go into this with no preconceptions.
Now, tell me, how is this Homer's fault? - He sold our home without telling me.
- (GRUNTS) - (TOY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS) - Helen, is he playing with my damn trains? Excuse me.
There's trouble down at Lovejoy Junction.
So, we're good? We're good if we get our house back.
Did you say houseboat? House back.
House back! Oh.
I'm trying to get some rest? The 12:10 to Trenton doesn't stop just because your fat head's on the track.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- You gonna drop that? - Not doing a thing.
As a gag, you're gonna drop a tiny log on my face? - Nothing.
- As I'm sleeping? That's, that's-that's funny.
- Nothing.
- Go ahead.
Drop it.
- Drop a tiny log on me.
- Not doing a thing.
Is that Is that your plan? You're gonna drop that? Look, we're both grown men here.
Now leave my choo choo alone.
Aah! Glad I finally got to use that.
Now, my sleepy, young friend, I don't know how you did things back in "Michigan.
" Air quotes are for when something's not a real thing.
But in my parish, we minister to our flock.
And I'm not afraid to say the hard things that need to be said.
"I" 27.
- What? - What did he say? We can't hear you.
"B" thr-three.
(COUGHS) You know, I'd be happy to yell out numbers for you.
Help save your voice.
Bingo requires a firm, experienced caller.
" "G" 48.
(COUGHING): "N" for "N" 43.
I got nothing.
(COUGHING) I think I can handle it.
When I was in seminary school, I was the shouty guy on our rowing team.
(WHISPERS): We weren't allowed to say "coxswain.
" (COUGHS) Bingo is not for newbies.
The letters sound very similar.
"B" 15.
"B" as in Balthazar.
Did he say Galthazar? Gingo! Gingo take you to bathroom.
I don't want to go.
Hey, this no picnic for Gingo either.
Empty again.
And those two just came here to make out.
(MOANING) If we do it in a church, I, like, can't get pregnant.
(MOANING) Uh, good mor (CLEARS THROAT, COUGHS) Excuse me.
(CLEARS THROAT) (COUGHING) (GROANING) Brothers and sisters, Reverend Lovejoy is experiencing some vocal difficulties.
(GRUNTS, COUGHS) Save your voice, Reverend.
Now, we could cancel church.
(EXCITED CHATTER) (PLAYING "MAPLE LEAF RAG") But God clearly foresaw this and sent us a backup pastor to finish the service.
(CONGREGATION GROANS) Church will not be canceled.
(SOBBING) Now please help me welcome our new youth minister Bode Wright.
That's very meek.
Jesus would've loved it.
I was thinking, while the reverend rests his voice, maybe we could all sing a song.
Uh, Rev, if that's okay with you, um, cough once.
(COUGHS TWICE) We did not establish what two coughs means, so I'll take that to mean two yeses.
(CONGREGATION LAUGHS) Why don't we sing, I don't know, "Amazing Grace"? You all know that one.
Or if you don't, it's in your hymnal under "grace, comma, amazing.
" (PLAYING "AMAZING GRACE") Amazing grace, how sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost but now I'm found 'Twas blind, but now I see.
This is the most exciting thing that ever happened in a white church! All these years of mediocre grace.
Finally, it's amazing.
This must've been what it was like at Jesus's concerts.
Now we'd, uh, we'd like to do a couple of new psalms.
(CROWD BOOS) - Hallelujah, hallelu - Hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelu Hallelujah.
Something exciting's happening at the church.
Let's check it out.
All right, I think we get it.
Grace, it's amazing.
I know most of you usually save your "hallelujahs" for when church is over.
(LAUGHS) I adore the informality.
But if it's okay, I thought maybe I could just speak to you guys straight from my heart.
I don't have anything planned, but I guess I should talk about God, right? Church.
Makes sense I should talk about God.
But the truth is, I woke up this morning and I wasn't really sure if I believed in God.
(CONGREGATION GASPS) No God? Fingers in your ears, boys.
Till you can feel the brain.
It's okay.
Everything's fine.
I-I just woke up with some doubt.
Like many of you did, too, I'm sure.
There's so much pain and suffering in the world, I wasn't sure anyone was really out there.
Watching us.
On a cloud.
That's how we think of God, right? To many of us, God is just an angry, old miser with a killer surveillance system.
Everyone picks on the miser.
Shave faster or no tip! Oh, I shave-a faster, all right.
Hurry up.
I'm going to a funeral.
Oh, you're going to a funeral, all right.
Oh, this is taking too long.
I got to stop procrastinating.
Then I got quiet and thought about it.
It hit me that maybe God isn't up there, you know.
"Somewhere else.
" Maybe God's right here and now.
As close as the air on your skin.
For the first time ever, I don't feel alone.
Life is worth living.
Hey, forget that hit I called on myself, huh? Yeah, well, I said too late.
Can't you just charge me a stalking fee? Okay, 40%.
And you can only cancel on the app.
All right, I-I'll just, uh My screen is frozen! Maybe God is just a word for a love that we create and remember together.
A love that isn't mad at us for our doubt or angry at us because we're alcoholics.
(SIGHS) Finally, recognized for my accomplishments.
I think so many of us have made a God that's like us, instead of the other way around.
God loves diversity.
God didn't just make one type of flower.
He made thousands of different flowers roses, lilies, orchids and He made the weeds, too.
But He loves all of them indiscriminately.
Just like the bees.
You have made this bumblebee a humble bee.
Jesus said, "Let the weeds grow with the wheat.
" That means it's all in the game.
Go easy on yourself.
You don't have to earn God's love.
You are God's love.
All right, that's it.
I know it's early, but it's a beautiful day.
Let's get out of here.
Sorry, concert's over, dude.
All that's left is the merch.
(CHANTING): Bode! Bode! Bode! CONGREGATION (CHANTING): Bode! Bode! Bode! Three cheers for Reverend Lovejoy.
Stupid Flanders.
CONGREGATION: Stupid Flanders! Stupid Flanders! I love church.
I won't be single in Heaven.
This was the best church ever.
It was like some kind of religious experience.
Will you join us for pancakes? Are those new vestments? They really bring out the piety.
You don't have to patronize me, Ned.
You're, y-you're right, I'm sorry.
Y-You did not do well today.
Oh, go back to patronizing.
Maybe something about my shoes? Oh, look at those shoes, tied so tight with loops so even.
Someone knows the bunny ear technique.
Helen tied them.
Uh, Pastor, would you like to say grace? (CLEARS THROAT) Lord Oh, sorry, I should have been more specific.
I meant the cool new pastor everyone likes.
(LAUGHS) You can sit down.
You know, I think the food is good without me saying it's good.
God made it good.
Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be thankful, but there's no need to make everyone uncomfortable by praying in front of 'em, am I right? Nice speech, although longer than grace.
Oh, no bacon for me.
I'm a vegetarian.
(CHUCKLES) And, actually, a Buddhist.
I love Buddha.
That's where I got my name.
The Bodhi Tree.
And I don't eat meat either.
You're a vegetarian? - What about evolution? - Into it.
- Gay rights? - Love is love.
- Dizzy or Bird? - John Coltrane and Duke Ellington, 1962.
(GASPS) The only way to describe how perfect that jazz answer is, is with jazz.
This brunch has turned into a jazz brunch! I'm a believer.
That's great, Lisa, but I actually don't think faith comes down to what we believe.
Well, you got to believe in this baloney.
That's how you get into Heaven.
Where maybe, just maybe, I could see the mother that abandoned me again.
Yeah, sure, but I think together we can bring Heaven here while we're still alive.
There's a Chinese proverb about Heaven and Hell.
They say Hell is a long table like this, full of food, but everybody's starving because they have these long chopsticks, like pool cues, and they can't bring the food to their mouths.
This is the worst Year of the Ox ever.
But in the proverb, Heaven is the exact same table, same food, same long chopsticks, but everybody's happy and fat because they're feeding each other.
CONGREGATION: Aw! Wait, wait! I can be cool, too with humor.
Did you hear the one about the Greek-Jewish wedding? They didn't know whether to break the plates or the glasses! (CONGREGATION BOOING) Yes, why don't you take your cultural insensitivity back to the Spanish Inquisition you came from? I've lost them.
You never had us.
Timothy, the church council wants to thank you for your many years of Incompetence! (GASPS) Knock his frock off.
We like the new guy in his tight jeans.
Do not resuscitate your career.
What are you saying? You're firing me? - Gingo.
- Please surrender your cross.
We don't want any trouble.
Now the collar.
And any water you turned into holy water is once again regular water.
Nothing but tap.
Did you know Bode has 22,000 YouTube subscribers? Our church could go viral.
Close window.
- You just subscribed.
- What? No.
(CHUCKLES): Now you gave him a thumbs-up.
Stop telling me what I just did.
You just gave him an eggplant emoji.
Well, at least that can't be misconstrued.
Wait a minute.
The Internet can help me.
Help me find something on him.
He's clean on Google.
I'll have to try Bing.
Sorry, I was asleep.
Do you really want to use us? Yes.
But I'm not licked.
Pack your bags, Helen.
We are going to Michigan.
Reverend? We're here for a little counseling? Well, I'd be happy to.
But you're already with the best counselor there is.
- Your partner.
- Wait.
But Marge always told me communication is bad for a marriage.
I said it was good.
You said what was good? You just have to know what it's like to be in each other's shoes.
Put on each other's shoes.
Right now.
HOMER: All right.
They (GRUNTING) Your shoes are so tight.
And you do so much work.
You're an angel.
And your shoes are so heavy.
I never realized you carried around so much.
I'm starting to see the man I fell in love with again.
Where? Where? I'll kill him! - You.
- Oh.
I must admit, this is amazing.
But what about the fact that he sold our house? - Um, may I interject? - Sure.
I've seen your house.
It'll never pass inspection.
- Are you sure? - Piece of crap.
Thank you, Reverend.
Mmm, mmm.
What brings you here? Well, I thought it might be fun if we meditate together.
Make yourself at om.
(LAUGHS): Wow! As meditation jokes go That's the only meditation joke I've ever heard.
Alexa, play Meditation Jam.
(NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING) You know, science calls it consciousness, the mystics call it a soul, but both are just words, just labels, for whatever it is that's looking out your eyes right now.
(INHALES) Breathe, Lisa.
("IN A SENTIMENTAL MOOD" PLAYING) Saw the button, huh? (GASPS) I did.
HELEN: Tim, we could go to Mackinac Island.
They have the longest hotel porch in the world.
It's always the big verandas with you, isn't it, Helen? You've done something to this town I never thought could happen.
A full-blown religious revival.
Yeah, let these warm your insides as the words of St.
Paul warm your soul, there.
(CLEARS THROAT) Dear Ephesians and I'm, of course, paraphrasing here believe in Christ or I'll hit your head with a baseball bat.
I'll frickin' do it.
- Amen.
- Amen.
(CHUCKLES): Hey, I'm-I'm not trying to change any minds.
I'm just trying to start a conversation.
We need that.
This town's like a snow globe.
It doesn't look like much till you shake it up a little.
- (WHIMPERS) - I want redemption or else, dude.
Or else what? Or Rabbi Mankiewicz will, dude.
And I have trouble making that "cch" sound.
It's either Chanukah or Hanukkah.
Okay? Pick one of those.
(EXHALES) Teach a man to microfiche, and you'll feed him dirt for a lifetime.
Vengeance is mine, sayeth the me.
We really should've digitized that stuff.
Oh, I hope part two is about my rescue.
ANNOUNCER: Next week on "Warrin' Priests Part Two" I hear there's a little dirt on the collar of a man who used to preach here, Bode Wright.
You, sir, have challenged me on scripture.
Oh, well, if it's scripture you want to talk, then let us make a joyful noise - unto the Lord.
- Good.
Yarr, activism means nothing if it's not intersectional.
Yarr! ANNOUNCER: Next week on The Simpsons.
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