The Simpsons s32e08 Episode Script

The Road To Cincinnati

1 CHALMERS: Next item on the agenda.
Principal Duggins.
Well, I see that not one of your students was able to meet the national fitness standards: a light jog.
- (MOANS SOFTLY) - Come on, Duggins.
You got to be a role model for those lazy kids.
Tell them you put in two hours a day stretching your lap band.
Thank you, Principal Finch.
Well, I guess we can cross "hilarious joke" off the agenda.
Oh, I-I've also got a funny thing.
(CHUCKLES) Duggins' wife was unfaithful.
(CHUCKLES) Skinner, learn how to read a room.
- Sorry, Duggins.
- Screw you.
Now, as you all know, this weekend in Cincinnati is the national administrator's convention, or EDU-CON.
And, uh, well, I have been invited to give the keynote address.
- (EXCITED CHATTER) - Oh, well.
Uh, Sunday.
(CHUCKLES) Main auditorium.
The Proctor & Gamble Room? Crushed it! (SKINNER INHALES, GRUNTS) Well, that couldn't have gone worse.
I agree.
Yes, well, as you all know, the budget allows for a plus-one, and I was thinking I would bring the principal with the highest test scores, - Finch.
- Well, that's not fair.
Finch runs the magnet school for gifted test takers.
Uh, sorry, Seymour, but I have made my decision.
If it makes you feel any better, you were never in the running.
Hey, we are gonna light Cincinnati up.
I got a buddy who used to be the long snapper for the Bengals.
He co-owns this amazing poké place.
Seaweed, furikake, soakin' in ponzu! My God, you're cool.
Okay, this is for all the marbles.
(GRUNTS) (LAUGHS) No wonder Chalmers is taking Finch to Cincinnati.
How'd you hear about that? It's all over the playground.
Chalmers went to Cincy Didn't take our princy How many tears did Skinner cry? One, two, three, four, five.
Well, as usual, the double Dutchers have zeroed in on my pain.
(SIGHS) Look, Seymour, are you ready for some tough love? Is there any other kind? Being around you sucks.
No one's ever gonna invite you to anything.
If there's a party you want to go to, you got to crash it, or you'll spend the rest of your life sitting around with your hand stuck in a pelvis.
It's too late.
The plus-one has been invoked.
Dude, you're Seymour Skinner.
No matter how badly you're treated, you keep coming back for more.
That's your superpower.
Use it! You're right.
I will.
Aw, look at you, grazing the thumb.
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
(PHONE RINGS) Finch, where are you? We're going to miss our flight.
Can't make it, Gary.
I ate some pre-trip poké last night, and it's blitzkrieging my intestines.
I'm firing salmon eggs from both ends.
But you're my ride to the airport.
My car's in the shop being winterized.
Sorry, dude.
Yeah? Cool.
(GROANS) Hop in, sir.
We still have time to make our flight.
Skinner? W-What are you doing here? Well, I saw on Finch's InstaSnap story that he's firing salmon eggs from both ends.
So I rushed over here at once.
You want to come with me to Cincinnat No.
Thank you.
Very thoughtful, Seymour, but I-I wouldn't want to You wouldn't want the school board to find out you wasted the transferrable but not refundable $65 plus-one registration fee? (SIGHS) No, I would not.
Oh, boy.
(GRUNTING) Ah, Game Night.
(CHUCKLES) Jason Bateman, your boyish charisma was made for the low-res seatback screen.
(WHIMPERS) Sir, are you all right? Uh, if you must know, flying makes me just a little bit nervous.
Where'd you put my carry-on? I'm going to pop an antianxiety pill.
Oh, I gate-checked your bag.
It's free, and you don't have to fight for precious overhead space.
Another classic Skinner travel hack.
My pills were in that bag, you idiot! You Okay.
(CHUCKLES) I can do this.
(EXHALES) It's just a short domestic flight.
I'm completely safe, right? Sure.
And if you're stressed, you can take comfort in the passengers' many emotional support animals.
Aah! - (OINKS) - Pig? - (GOBBLES) - Aah! I'm going to die in a flying zoo.
(LAUGHS) (GROANING NERVOUSLY) (LAUGHS) Everyone around you is taking their shoes off.
Okay, no one is safe.
No one's sa That-that phone is not in airplane mode.
The pilot dresses like an alcoholic! Somebody's yelling! Who is yelling?! Where in the name of God is the air marshal?! (MUFFLED SHOUTING) (GRUNTS) You're banned from Air Cincinnati forever.
Well, we've got to get another flight.
Uh, we can't, sir.
Uh, Air Cincinnati's the only airline that flies to Cincinnati since the demise of Cincin-Air-Y.
Well, that's just great.
That's great! In 36 hours, I have to give the most important speech of my life.
Now, how in the name of Satan's jockstrap am I supposed to get there? Please, sir.
If you give me one last chance, I will think of nothing else but getting you to that keynote speech on time.
Nah, I'll just drive myself.
(SCREECHING) All right, where is your car? It, too, is being winterized.
But I know where to get one.
Oh, no.
You're not borrowing my Buick.
I just had it winterized.
But, Mother, this road trip is my last chance to become friends with the man I admire most in the world.
Well, you did do such a nice job re-beading my eyeglass chain.
I guess a boy your age should have friends.
Ah, you, me and the open road, huh? Yeah.
Maybe some music will make the time pass more quickly.
Timothy, Timothy I hope you like this song, 'cause it's stuck in the player, and there's no volume knob.
Timothy, Timothy - God, what did we do? - Oh, did you know that in Cincinnati, they have four different ways of preparing chili? You don't say, huh? - Four different ways.
- The two-way, - chili with spaghetti.
- How about that.
- Spaghetti? - The three-way, - chili with spaghetti and cheese.
- Lot of ways.
- Please shut up.
- Oh! (CHUCKLES) - Oh, he's got more.
- And there's two kinds - of four-ways.
- I just I-I want to die.
Hmm? Mm! (TIRES SCREECH) Hitchhikers! Oh, thank the Lord.
Hitchhikers, sir? Is this safe? They can bury us in a shallow grave as long as they don't talk about chili.
Thanks for picking us up.
We're on our way to a gig.
Oh, a-a gig.
Are you, uh, musicians? Oh, no.
We do ALL: Improv Shakespeare! Improvisers? In the style of Shakespeare? That seems impossible.
Methinks this noble lord doth doubt our wit.
We must perform or else be deemed unfit! A word, a word.
My kingdom for a word.
- No, no, don't give them a suggestion.
- Cupholders.
To grasp a cup would seem a great ordeal.
When one must keep both hands upon the wheel.
The pentameter checks out.
Your parents must be so proud.
They're not.
(GROWLS) (GREG VOCALIZING MOZART'S "GREENSLEEVES") Toupee or not toupee, that is the question.
You are the only ones having fun! Just you! Oh, oh, beware the ides of - Truck! - (ALL SCREAMING) (HORN BLARING) (GRUNTING) Well, well, well, what have we got here? (CHUCKLES) Don't worry, Officer.
It's, uh, minor damage.
Nothing serious.
Alas, poor Buick.
I knew it well.
Oh! (CHOKING) Dear Lord.
Our car, our wallets, our luggage, they're all blown to shreds.
But the keynote.
Your speech.
It's all on the cards right here.
But what good will it be when some backwoods judge throws the book at us, huh? All rise for the Honorable Judge J.
Who dragged me in here on a Saturday in the middle of my Lifetime movies? I'm missing my Lifetimes! An old woman who's enraged by my very existence.
Don't worry, sir.
I got this.
Your Honor, permission to observe that your poor cuticles are raw and torn.
Thanks to my idiot son.
He made my manicure appointment with Tanya P.
instead of Tanya G.
Oh, well, that boy's as useless as a shaved frog.
Now, Mother Hush up and empty the spittoons, Fennimore.
(SIGHS) You know, I always travel - with cuticle scissors and jojoba oil.
- Let's get these ladies ready for their close-up.
Now, you have fun at the convention, boys.
You just bring it back whenever.
(TIRES SCREECH) Mother, you never let me drive the Cutlass.
My car is for good boys! Hmm.
Timothy, Timothy God, what did we do? Well, we're only a half hour behind schedule.
Should we, uh, brainstorm on a code for the hotel room safe? Seymour, you charmed the Depends off that lady.
I believe I owe you a beer.
A biker bar? Are you sure it's safe? All right, stop quivering like a quince jelly.
You're with me.
Sir, this isn't a biker bar.
It's a cyclist bar.
Don't be a ninny, Seymour.
Uh, barkeep! A beer for me and my coworker here.
We just serve energy gels and oxygen.
You don't like it, get out.
(INHALES DEEPLY) (GRUNTS) You two oil burners might want to skedaddle before my resting heart rate elevates to 60 bpm.
That's "beats per minute," oil burner! (CACKLING) (LAUGHTER) (SLURPING) Uh, why don't you calm down there, Slim? (WATCH BEEPING) What did you call me? - (GROWLING) - Uh Uh Oh.
The bike computers! All our stats were on there! They hadn't synced yet! Yeah, but you-you still got the exercise, right? (TIRES SCREECH) (TIRES SCREECH) (ENGINE REVS) Whoa.
It's as if the rules of the road don't apply to them.
Are you pedestrians or vehicles?! Make a choice! Never! - (TIRES SCREECHING) - Whoa! Whoa! (GRUNTS) Skinner, what do we do? Seymour! Well, don't go! Skinner? (BICYCLES CLICKING) (CYCLISTS PANTING) Step away from my superintendent.
(CHUCKLES) What's he gonna do? He's just one guy.
(CACKLING) You're never alone when you're a veteran of the U.
Armed Forces.
And I do mean armed.
Para-athletes like us are the natural enemy of cycling clubs.
Their biceps are bigger than my quads! To the support van! (ALL SUCKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) Seymour, how did you I keep abreast of local veterans' events.
Luckily, the Wheel Team Six para-marathoners were racing nearby.
Seymour, you have earned this.
(SHUDDERS): Ooh! You know, there was a time I would have mocked you for collecting bed-and-breakfast travel points with your mother, but, I'll tell ya, today those points have paid for this sweet, thick elderberry wine.
Well, nothing is as sweet as your kind words.
- Oh, yeah.
That's good stuff.
(HUMMING SOFTLY) Ernest, I've never felt more independent and strong.
Can I use your phone to call Mother? There she is.
Just make sure no one's using the upstairs extension.
You're back in the office already? Principal Finch, your gut biome is a wonder.
So, how's Sad Sack Seymour and the Cincinnati Snooze Cruise? (CHUCKLES RELUCTANTLY) Yeah, vintage Finch.
But, uh, believe it or not, Skinner has shown, uh, bursts of utility.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You better not be getting cold feet, Gary.
We made an agreement.
Skinner gets canned, and I leave my tiny little magnet school for the big time, Springfield Elementary.
I'm pumped! Yes, I know, I know.
The plan was to fire Skinner, and, uh (SIGHS HEAVILY) I am a man of my word.
Fire Skinner? Chalmers! Oh, dear.
- (SIGHING) - (QUIET CHATTER) - (GASPING) - Fire me?! You bald-pated son of a bitch.
Uh, i-if you two gentlemen could please Stay out of this, Trudy! For years, this man belittled me.
Humiliated me.
And in exchange for my unwavering loyalty, what was my reward? Whoa, to be pushed out by some scheming magnet school keister kisser! (GRUNTS) The brochures nobody takes! I'm the one who deserved this trip to Cincinnati, not Finch.
That's why I put black mold in his poké.
(GRUNTS, SHAKES) You did what? Ooh.
The Rocking Chair Museum.
I've heard good things.
Skinner! You know why I was gonna fire you, Seymour? Because your neediness, it sucks the life out of me! After all these years of trying to spare your feelings, I'm just gonna say it now: I don't like you! And the man in the back said, "Everyone attack" And it turned into a ballroom blitz And the girl in the corner said, "Boy, I wanna warn you " It'll turn into a ballroom blitz" - (GROANS) - Ballroom blitz - (GRUNTS) - Ballroom blitz - Ballroom blitz - (GRUNTING) Ballroom blitz.
Ooh, Terry Bradshaw stayed here.
Not the one you're thinking of.
("BALLROOM BLITZ" CONTINUES) - (STRAINING) - (GAGGING) (PANTING) (COUGHS) You know, I'm not gonna give you the pleasure of firing me, because I quit! Good riddance! (TIRES SCREECHING) (BRAKES HISS) (SIREN WAILING) (SIREN STOPS) Well, well, well.
If it isn't the Cuticle Kid.
You racing to give a mani-pedi? (SIGHS) Just give me the ticket, Fennimore.
License and my mother's registration.
(GASPS) Superintendent, you're on in five.
Great, great.
I'll just ensure my notecards are in the correct order.
Uh, uh "Road trip conversation starters"? (GROANING) (SHOUTS) We switched jackets.
Seymour has my speech! It's often been said that one speech can make or break a man's career.
Together, we now face such a moment.
Our keynote speaker, Superintendent Garibaldi Chalmers.
(GRUMBLES NERVOUSLY) (MAN COUGHS) Um (CLEARS THROAT) Well, it's an honor, uh, to be here in, uh, uh, Cleveland.
MAN: It's Cincinnati! MAN 2: Look at the skyline! You just You won't believe what's happened.
I'm (STAMMERS) Well, maybe you will! You've all got that one principal, that one that gets you into such ridiculous situations, uh, uh, maybe even on the way here.
(CHUCKLES) This guy, Skinner, h-he screws everything up.
He took my jacket and my speech! He left me with the useless garbage in his pockets.
A mommy manicure kit.
A-a VFW event calendar.
A, uh, B&B rewards card.
(CHUCKLES) Calico Level.
(MUTTERS) And conversation starters like (SIGHS) "How can I make your job easier?" MAN: He sounds like a good guy, you jackass! Well, I I suppose he is.
He's loyal and resourceful and Oh, God, help me.
I respect Seymour Skinner.
(CHUCKLES): In fact, I like him.
(SNIFFLES) Ditto, Gary.
Aw, Skinner.
I've got something that belongs to you.
Now go give the greatest keynote speech of your life.
Well, maybe I already have, huh? But if I must.
(CLEARS THROAT) Educational Infrastructure: Ability Grouping versus Blended Learning.
Now, a survey of public administrators over a 15-trimester period showed clearly, within the standard deviation, of course Well, you did it, dude.
How does it feel to get what you've always wanted? Chalmers loves Skinner Bought him chili dinner How many ways did Skinner try? One, two, three, four, five.
It feels just like this.
("WKRP IN CINCINNATI MAIN THEME" PLAYING) Maybe you and me were never meant to be Just maybe think of me once in a while.
So, guys, what have you been up to? Oh, went on a field trip to the fire station, but nobody told the firemen we were coming.
Practiced my sax, went to school.
Oh, we learned about Peru.
I went to work.
Lenny had a cold, so he wasn't there.
Carl was there though.
Well, have I got a treat for you all.
Tonight, we're going to see Improv Shakespeare! Washing machine! Out, damned stain! For there is a Tide Pod in the affairs of laundry.
(CHUCKLES) Can you imagine Shakespeare using a Tide Pod? - No.
("WKRP IN CINCINNATI END CREDITS" PLAYING) Mad tooth bar chin-up Boxing out of her hair now Still do the modern-day whack-a-mole ditto-o-o What's that? Good bartender I had better head out I said I wouldn't do it if a poodle had a lid on Mad tooth bar chin-up Boxing out of her hair now Still do the modern-day whack-a-mole ditto-o-o What's that?
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