The Simpsons s32e11 Episode Script

The Dad-Feelings Limited

- (EXHALES) Yes, another glorious Sunday.
Scone for my muffin? Nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum.
And for you, five breakfast burritos.
Ah, the Voltron.
Our lives are in perfect balance.
(KNOCKING) Oh, it is just last-second birthday gift shoppers.
Ignore them.
I know you're in there, you lazy dork.
I can smell the burritos! (SNIFFING) Four.
No! Five! They can't be closed.
We're booked solid with birthday parties today, and we have no presents.
Don't worry, I got this.
Auto Trader for the girls.
Adult Escort Express for the boys.
Kids are adults, right? Fine, fine, whatever.
Let's just go.
Let us wander as aimlessly as the plots of the four upcoming Avatar sequels I can only assume.
I love your contempt for things that don't matter.
(MOANING) (GASPS) Do you hear that? Ah, silence.
Time to go to Milhouse's puppy party.
If we go late, you'll get a crappy dog.
That's it, I'm coming in.
Ow! No! Ow! No! That's where I had my surgery! (UPBEAT JAZZ PLAYING) - (TODDLERS BAWLING) - (OTHERS SHOUTING) Mm! Miyazaki marathon with chilled lobster spring rolls.
Mm, mm.
Oh, crap! I just realized I haven't eaten anything all day.
They're out of pizza, but I built you a slice out of trash scraps.
Well, hide me behind your coat while I eat it.
(CHOMPING, GRUNTING) I need to be around grown-ups.
BOY: Excuse me.
You just passed my street.
Who the hell are you? Leland Huebner III.
Go back and get Bart.
Hold on, this one seems all right.
A little stuck up, but all right.
Thanks so much for the last-minute dinner invitation.
There never was any dinner.
You fell for a scam.
You're babysitting.
No money.
- - MARGE (GASPS): Adults! - Pull over! - (TIRES SCREECH) Wow, Moe, you really gussy up the place for trivia night.
Hey, where are the regulars? Ah, keg storage.
- Hey! We're thirsty! - (GRUNTS) BARNEY: Thank you.
I've always wanted to do a trivia.
Who knows what I might know? Please, join our team.
(QUIETLY): But they're noobs.
Even the humble noob has a place in the seasons of trivia.
Once again I am in awe of your decency.
All right, all right, weirdos.
I want to welcome you dorks to trivia night.
Now, shut your nerd faces for the first question.
"List the four players with the most fighting penalties in NHL history.
" Oh, sports.
The very lowest genus of trivium.
Let's see.
Tie Domi, Dave "Tiger" Williams, Dave "The Hammer" Schultz, and, of course, Stu "The Grim Reaper" Grimson.
All right, next category: 20th Century Vacuum Cleaners.
Just give me the pencil.
"The mascot for this Boston-based" Cuppy, the Dunkin' Donuts coffee cup.
"This English prog rock supergroup scored a hit with 1970's "Lucky Man.
" Emerson! Lake! And! Palmer! (WHOOPING, LAUGHING) Okay, okay.
And the winning team is "Han Shot First.
" What does that mean? - Is that dirty? - It's from Star Wars.
I never heard of it.
I Is it dirty? Who cares, who cares.
Here's your trophy.
(CHEERING) To fat guys with hot wives.
This one's for you, Kevin James.
Take a poncho.
I always carry extras in case Homer eats anything slurpable.
That's so clever.
What other big-and-tall "wife hacks" do you have? Oh, I've got all kinds of tricks for fat-proofing your house.
Come over sometime and I'll show you.
My chashu! (CHOMPING, SIGHING) See? Here I've welded high-tensile steel under the cushions to reduce sofa-sag.
I've lost a lot of furniture to chubby hubby couch droop.
Can you go sit with her while I warm a bottle? Oh, but I don't know much about babies.
Except how to dress like one.
You are loved! (BAWLING) (LAUGHING) (SINGING JAPANESE LULLABY) Look how much she likes you.
You're a natural.
I just remembered something I must tell my husband.
Impregnate me at once! But you never wanted children.
You always said our marriage is perfect as it is.
I mean, can you imagine a child playing in this room? Uh, it's full of toys.
Yes, well, but yeah, but it's selfish to bring a new life into a world with diminishing resources.
The planet is running out of watchable IP! They say by 2028 all we will have left is the General Mills Cinematic Universe starring Hamburger Helper.
If I can't convince you, maybe she can.
(GASPS) Greta, the sexy Gremlin from the underappreciated- but-stil-terrible Gremlins 2.
(GASPS WEAKLY) I know this is your ultimate fantasy.
It's time to feed your desires after midnight.
I must resist.
My will is stronger than The Great Resisto, a hero I am inventing as I reference him.
Uh, my darling, my darling, I am sorry.
But I have spent every working hour of my life around children, and one thing I know for certain: I don't want any.
- (CAMERA CLICKS) - And banked.
I want a baby.
I don't want a baby! (SOBBING) Kumiko's baby fever is out of control.
Look at all these comments she left.
It goes really quick from smiley face to "Without a baby, all is horror.
" - (GROANS) - Well, I think Comic Book Guy should have kids.
Oh, that's so sweet.
'Cause screw that jerk! Thinks his childless life is so great just because it is.
Wakes up whenever he wants.
Doesn't have to lug car seats onto the plane.
He can store poison in the fridge so it's nice and cold.
And don't get me started on their sex life.
They can do it anywhere: kitchen floor, bathroom floor, on the microwave.
Set that baby on "popcorn.
" Pop! Pop! Pop! So we'll help them? Anything to destroy their paradise.
Remember, it's up to you two to make children seem like a blessing.
Got it.
And when she pops out that kid, we each get a 20.
- Or equivalent gift card.
- BART: Whoa! That's the stuff.
Oh, look, it's our trivia buddies! You see movies at the same cemetery we do? What a pleasant surprise.
(GIGGLES) Speaking of children, these two were completely planned and wanted.
Shrug, he shrugged.
Uh, why don't we get some more snacks? Hello, little azuki bean.
(MAGGIE GIGGLES) Yo, Kingpin! How's the ponytail hanging? Don't patronize me, Bart and She-Bart.
I need silence to watch the iconic '80s time travel epic, Forward to the Past.
Never heard of it.
Is it any good? Okay, it's a consensus top ten family action comedy that has been delighting bedwetting piglets like yourself for eons! Feh! Wah! Hooof! And again, feh! - Oh.
- Huh.
It's so sweet you're helping the Book Guys become a family.
I mean, without kids, come on, they're just dating with rings on.
(HOMER CHUCKLES) Oh, Marge, I love your takes.
Ooh, model crypt.
Fancy! Want to see how the other half dies? (GASPS) Oh! We can return to our time if we can just get this paddle steamer up to 99 miles an hour.
Is that relative to the shore or the water? Great Steve, Mickey! I don't know! Golfer Aoki, four letters.
(GASPS) "Isao.
" Hello? Hello?! The show is up there, not on your lap.
Look, I got to be honest.
I only like movies where Deadpool talks to the camera, so I'm watching Deadpool.
Okay, eyes up, TikToks! Tonight, you watch a screen that is unswipeable! (BOTH GROAN) Premium sound system.
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS) Honey, just think.
Someday, you and I will be snuggling next to each other for eternity.
Oh, Homie, I never thought about it that way.
(MARGE MOANING) (HOMER MOANS) 'Till death do each other.
(BOTH MOANING) Rivers? Where we're going, we don't need rivers.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) Yes, all right, you little trolls.
If you must, tear the classic down with your snarky little remarks.
An emotionally satisfying ending.
Are you sure this is an American movie? I can't believe it.
I cared what happened.
What is that thrill I'm feeling? You are experiencing this movie again for the first time, but through the eyes of children.
Oh, Homie, that was so dangerous.
I feel like Mrs.
I definitely had a (DRACULA VOICE): good evening.
Hey, it's locked.
(GASPS) Oh, no! We're trapped in a crypt full of smooth jazz.
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS) Little known trivia: the time travel vehicle was originally a tanning booth.
- Whoa! - That's crazy! The little ones love your useless knowledge.
Yes, my factoid will be passed on for generations, and in that way, I will never truly die.
(SIGHS) You know, maybe I was wrong to dismiss the idea of children so so quickly.
(GASPS) Do you mean it? Hurry.
Let's return these loaner kids and go home to make a mixed-race nerd.
Hey, shouldn't Mom and Dad be showing up about now? Mom? Dad? Where are you?! We are in a cemetery, so maybe they were attacked by zombies.
Stop it! Stop saying that! (SING-SONGY): Our parents are undead.
Dad will eat your head.
(LISA CRIES) (SINISTER CACKLING) (DOORS RATTLING) (GRUNTING) HOMER (ZOMBIE-LIKE): Let us out! Great Steve! They are zombies! (BOTH YELL) (BOTH SOBBING) They demand emotional support.
You can do it.
Give them comfort.
(BOTH CRYING) Must act like loving father.
I flee.
But you caved! BOTH: Mom! Dad! You're okay! Hey, where'd the dork go? Your children's emotional needs have pushed him away.
If I know him, and I don't, I'm sure he'll be back.
He has run to a place where there is no hope.
I have returned.
Your room is unchanged as are your sheets.
So your husband ran away to his childhood home, leaving you alone.
Maybe forever.
Also, childless.
(GROANS) I'm sure you're experiencing a lot of feelings right now.
It's okay to let them out.
(INHALES AND EXHALES LOUDLY) I hate you, you shameless womb tease! You're like a baby drug dealer! You give me a taste, and now I'm hooked! This is on you, too! You've crushed my only chance at happiness, you ape-faced cheeseburger goblin! (MUFFLED WHIMPER) Make this right.
Bring back my husband! Whoa.
So this is where Comic Book Guy grew up.
We'll finally see what kind of "its" created a "that.
" (DOORBELL RINGS) - (DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN) - (BOTH YELP) Ah, you must be delivering my 1912 Polish coronation stamp.
Actually, we're looking for someone we call "Comic Book Guy.
" Enter.
My son is in here somewhere.
Oh, well, thank you, Mr.
, uh You may refer to me as "Postage Stamp Fellow.
" What is this crazy place? BOB BALABAN: This crazy place is Comic Book Guy's childhood home.
An only child, he grew up surrounded by an eccentric extended family of childless aunts and uncles.
However, his family poured their love into their collections, instead of into the lonely little boy wandering the halls.
His aunt collected taxidermized chestnut-tailed starlings, causing her to form a tacit alliance with her twin brother, who collected brutalist birdhouses.
His great step-uncle, who had once had his heart broken by a meter maid, was a gatherer of discredited obstetric equipment, while his younger dowager aunt collected antique Chinese cricket boxes and filled them with live crickets, who frequently escaped.
- (CRICKET CHIRPING) - The only thing of value the family did not display in the home was love.
And the love he sought most was that of his father, who spent his days as an avid philatelist.
Near mint.
Very fine.
Hi, um, there.
Maybe you might feel better if you came home with us? I am home.
From now on, my only companion is my comic book collection.
Near mint.
- Gem mint.
Mint - (MARGE SIGHS) - Look at the sad little boy.
- Mint.
- Is that you? - Mint.
Worst day ever! There's got to be more to this story.
BOB BALABAN: There was more to this story.
Without anyone to play with, the lonely boy turned to baseball.
His favorite pitcher was Sandy Koufax, and he perfected a curveball of rare devastation.
However, his team would never give him a chance.
But on the day before the big game, all the starting pitchers were injured in a multi-canoe pile-up caused by the sighting of an unusually large lake sturgeon.
He got the call to pitch.
His dearest hope was that his father would finally see his masterful curveball in action.
But during the biggest moment of his young life, his dad was nowhere to be seen.
He escaped his sadness into a world of heroes, villains and Jugheads.
In that moment, he became more than a boy but less than a man.
He became Comic Book Guy.
Marge then confronted Postage Stamp Fellow about this life-changing incident with his son.
What? Oh.
Why weren't you there for your son when he needed you? This is not a family to rummage through the past.
You tell me why you didn't go to your son's baseball game, or I'll lick it.
My Inverted Dendermonde? You wouldn't dare! (WHIMPERING) All right, all right! I'll tell you! I was buying him that.
Go ahead.
Tell him.
I didn't go to your game, because I was afraid if you lost, I wouldn't know how to comfort you.
So I supported you the only way I knew how.
I purchased you a collectible.
Which I never had the heart to give you.
(GASPS) Sandy Koufax, the left arm of God! Son, perhaps we should do something we've never done.
Have a catch? I think I would like that.
- Ow! - Ow! - Ow! - Ow! Everyone, my son and I are having a catch.
BOB BALABAN: Love was finally on display.
- Ow.
- Ow.
Well, maybe Comic Book Guy won't be so afraid to be a father.
(CHUCKLES) Sucker.
(CRYING) Wife, I have returned healed! I am now Changed Better Guy.
(GASPS) My ultimate fantasy.
Beaver from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.
You are ready to make a baby.
(INSTRUMENTAL INTRO TO "OOH LA LA" PLAYS) Poor old Granddad I laughed at all his words I thought he was a bitter man He spoke of women's ways They trap you and they use you Before you even know But love is blind and you're far too kind Don't ever let it show I wish that I knew what I know now When I was younger I wish that I knew what I know now When I was stronger The can-can's such a pretty show Will steal your heart away But backstage back on Earth again The dressing rooms are gray They come on strong and it ain't too Shh!
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