The Simpsons s32e21 Episode Script

The Man from G.R.A.M.P.A.

1 Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce our youngest and brightest star.
He was very helpful during our recent operation in Prague.
Only 11 dead.
- Excellent.
Huzzah! - Bravo.
Barely double digits.
He will now be taking over our most critical assignment.
I am on the hunt for a turned American now working for Russia code-named Grey Fox.
In World War II, he served with the fabled Flying Hellfish, the only unit that served in the Pacific, European and Grauman's Chinese Theatres.
Now Grey Fox lives in a small American town containing a nuclear plant, stealing their secrets.
This is a map of all nuclear plants in America, and these are all the nuclear plants with bad security.
(BUZZER BUZZING) (GASPS) I will go to each city, and in no time at all, I will have flushed out Mr.
Grey Fox.
Even if it takes me a fortnight.
Oy, what's a fortnight? Nobody knows.
Goodbye, chaps.
I shall find this man with English speed and efficiency.
No, sir.
I haven't found him yet.
Yes, I know it's been 50 years.
But I've called you because the dots have finally connected, and I'm off to prove it.
If I'm wrong, my entire life has been a waste.
Except, of course, for the reading.
And now to flush out the fox.
(SNORING) Oh, my God.
That's Louise's room.
Yes, it's terrible.
Uh, did she? Her family took her back home to live with them.
I hate to lose them that way.
I sure am gonna miss Louise.
She had a great smile.
- Oh, yeah, I loved her smile.
- Yeah, she sure did.
She had a great room.
- Oh, what a room! - That was the best.
- It has a window! - That opens.
Her call button actually works! I want it, I want it, I want it.
- I want it.
- I want it.
- I want it.
- I said - I want it.
- It's mine.
She was my friend! I should get it.
Louise hated your guts.
She hated your guts.
Now, now, she hated all your guts.
So she let someone else know the room was available, and they put down a huge deposit.
(SENIORS GROAN) (SIGHS) For this I'm taking lucidity meds? (SPITS) Uh, who am I? GRAMPA: It is an emergency.
You've got to see how I got cheated out of the only good room in the place.
Come on, Dad.
You love your room.
How would you know? You never come to visit.
You don't know a single thing about me.
Yes, I do.
What's my greatest fear? Cocktail olives and fascism.
Everyone's afraid of that.
Those olives look like eyes.
- (GROANS) - Look at this closet.
It's got a nice new light fixture, not a naked bulb that leaves nothing to the imagination.
Hello, boys.
(BOTH SCREAM) Sorry to startle you.
(PANTING) Sorry.
I'll be okay.
(BREATHING QUICKLY) How nice of you to welcome me to my new room.
I'm Terrance.
What are you looking at? It is so good to finally meet you.
You're real.
You do exist.
Would you! Hey! My face was wrinkled just the way I like it.
Oh, you stay away from me, fella.
Unless I need companionship.
But don't hold your breath.
- We should talk.
- Yeah, you seem interesting, but I can't stand old people.
Ah, j-just a minute.
I think I know how to tempt you.
I've studied your family.
(CHUCKLES) I-I know your habits, your personal pleasures.
Now, what might work here? (MUTTERS) Oh, yeah.
Can I buy you a - Drink? - Yes.
- And maybe have pretzels? - Yes.
(GASPS) You know everything.
So, pal, where you from? A little bit of everywhere, really.
I was born in Bristol.
(WELCH ACCENT): Caught cod off of Cardiff.
(YORKSHIRE ACCENT): Fed pudding to a terrier in Yorkshire.
(REGULAR VOICE): And I know who you are.
You work at the nuclear plant, are married to Marge and have three children.
No, I only have tw Wait a minute, you're right.
(GASPS) That's amazing.
You're making the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
(EXHALES) This is it.
The moment when I say it all.
There's a lot.
I'm gonna exhaust you.
Uh, anyone who's interested in hearing a life story, gather round.
Uh, I'll buy you a drink for your troubles.
Aw, I'm calling my sponsor.
Get over here.
They're giving out free drinks.
- - (DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE) Wow, those three hours just flew by.
I want to hear more about Terrance.
I am a spy.
- No! - Oh, yes.
My father was an awful spy.
A blundering spy.
Sir, I've figured out how the Russians have stayed one step ahead of us: lucky guesses.
You fool.
They've planted a mole at the top of our secret service.
Not possible.
I've asked everyone if they were a mole, and they all said no.
I became a spy to redeem my father's name.
I was top of my class.
A real-life spy.
You must know your way around women and, uh, disillusionment.
(CHUCKLES): Ah, yes, I certainly do.
Always the same.
She saves your life, you fall in love, you hold her in your arms, then some bugger shoots her dead.
You hunt the killer, you track him down, he captures you, he tortures you, you kill the killer.
And round and round you go, boys.
That's amazing, Moe.
So, did you restore your father's good name? No, but I will when I apprehend my target.
How long you been at it? 50 years.
Um, are you paid by the project or by the hour? No amount of money could wipe away the shame I feel.
Are you supposed to be telling us all this? Sure.
Nobody retains a word you say when you're a man of a certain age.
50 years of serving queen and country.
Just the one queen, actually.
She really hangs in there.
But I have nothing to show for it.
Until now.
But, uh (CLEARS THROAT) I shan't get into that just yet.
- Whatever happened to your father? - Oh, he was banished to Tipperary, making his way back to my mother, who had left him.
Do you by any chance know "It's a Long Way to Tipperary"? Up to mighty London came an Irishman one day It's a long way to Tipperary.
Damn it! Everybody sings it that way.
It was written to be sung faster.
It's a pop song.
It's a long way to go It's a long way to Tipperary To the sweetest girl I know.
(CRYING) (SOBBING): Oh, Daddy, I'm so sorry.
Aw, he's miserable.
- He fits right in.
- MARGE: Homer.
You were supposed to be home three hours ago.
Oh, please, don't get up.
No, my dear.
Once you start this, it's best to go ahead with it.
Ah, charmed.
Homer, this is the nicest man you've ever gotten sloppy drunk with.
You must be Marge.
When's the last time you told Marge you loved her? Um, let's see.
Um, it was, uh Hmm.
Uh When I figured out how to stuff a porkchop with another porkchop.
Thank you for asking.
Nice drinking free with you.
Maybe I'll see you again.
Oh, you will.
Once more, boys.
With feeling.
It's a long way to Tipperary.
Every time you sing a song, it's $5,000 in damage.
(GRUNTS) Aw, come on! (SNORING) - (PHONE RINGING) - What? 2:00 in the morning.
Don't answer it.
Don't answer it.
So, uh, you want to snuggle? I'm not gonna be romantic with you while the phone's ringing.
Hello? Oh, hi, Terrance.
Yes, it was a pleasure.
Oh, give me that.
- Y'ello? - If you want to know the awful truth about your father, come see me now.
Mm All right.
I've spent half my life hunting a Russian agent known as Grey Fox.
But now I believe I've found him in this very home.
Your father, Abe.
What? My dad is not a spy.
So you say.
Ask yourself a few questions.
What did your father do for a living? I don't know.
Yet he always had money.
More than I expect.
Does he hate this country? Well, he doesn't like any of our political parties, he says "Grand Canyon" sarcastically, he thinks "The Star-Spangled Banner" is impossible to sing, he calls Uncle Sam "Uncle Scam," and he doesn't like people who are different, so I'd say he's as American as Apple Watches.
Well, I'm about to show you otherwise.
Let me ask you this: have you ever wondered how it was that you got a job at a nuclear plant so easily? - Hmm.
- How you retained that job even though you screwed it up time after time? - (WHIMPERS) - Answer me that! This is insane.
What if Grampa's not the man I think he is? What if his name isn't Grampa at all? Listen, I understand you need absolute proof.
If you really want to learn the truth about your father, meet me today at Springfield Harbor at ten till 2:00.
I'm in.
But I have one question.
- Anything.
- Your voice it's so great.
Can you do Churchill? "Never was so much owed by so many to so few.
" Amazing! I feel like I'm at a movie I would fall asleep in.
He's not here.
Of course he's not.
He's just another crazy coot from the old folks' home.
TERRANCE: Don't get between me and the pigeons, dearie.
Get away from me, lady.
Homer, you fool.
It's me.
What? Prove it.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing! An Englishman dressing in drag! (STAMMERS, SIGHS) Never mind, now.
Hide behind that newspaper and sit down.
Grey Fox is here.
Each Wednesday, at precisely 2:00, Grey Fox comes to this boardwalk.
He finds an excuse to sit on the very first bench he sees.
Hey, why is that woman talkin' like a bloody Englishman? Uh (SCOTTISH ACCENT): I'm not English.
I'm Scottish.
And if you say different, I'll rouge your fat behind! Oh! You sound just like me ma.
Well, why don't you mind your own business, you red-haired baboon? Oh, it's like a letter from home.
God bless ya.
Now, watch closely.
The second man is gonna put down his cane.
Now see which cane your father takes.
No, Dad.
Don't switch canes.
He did! Oh, no! It's called a dead drop.
He's receiving instructions from his handlers, hidden in the cane.
(SARCASTICALLY): Oh, that definitely proves he's a spy.
Ooh! He took the wrong cane! Hush.
Now we're gonna see him get his payment.
My dad would not spy for money.
He would only do it because he hated his country.
Just look through these.
HOMER: (GASPS) This is the worst thing I've ever seen! (GROANS) Okay, third worst thing! Oh I can't believe it.
Got my secret envelope Will I say what's in it? Nope! No, no.
There, there.
A reveal takes time to get used to.
I should've known.
He was a lousy dad.
He never took me on a Ferris wheel.
I'd have been proud to have a boy like you.
I've only known you a few days, but I believe everything you say.
Let me buy you a cotton candy.
Pink one, Daddy! You can't bring that cup of wine with you on the Ferris wheel, sir.
It shall be gone before you finish tightening the safety arm.
(GULPING) (SIGHS) Look at all those blurry little dots down there.
Sir, you haven't gotten on the ride yet.
(GRUNTS) Balance me with a cannonball and start her up.
So my father's a spy.
What happens now? There are two ways this can go.
Here's the better one.
Your father trusts you, so you're the only one who can bring him in safely.
Then I'll deliver him to justice.
I promise he'll be treated as well as he is in the home now.
I prefer he be treated slightly better.
Brush your teeth after.
You didn't say with what.
(GRUNTING) (CREAKING) Dad, we have to go.
Go where? You don't have to lie to me anymore.
I know who you really are.
That's good.
Who am I? No more games! I'm sorry, but the only thing I can do is turn you in.
Don't worry.
They promised me you'll be okay.
Is this one of your tricks to get me to see - the butt doctor again? - Please! Terrance will be here any second.
No! I can't do it! I'll take you somewhere far away where they can't find you.
But we've got to leave now.
Say your goodbyes, quick.
You know, "goodbye" is a contraction of the farewell phrase "God be with you," while "farewell" is a contraction of "fare thee well.
" Shut up and let's go! Sorry, gentlemen.
I'm afraid there's been a change in plans.
Get in the car.
I call shotgun! D'oh! Thank heaven I lost all feeling years ago, so this won't be difficult.
Do you even have a license? - Just a license to kill.
- (HOMER AND GRAMPA WHIMPER) GRAMPA: You idiot! Someone tells you I'm a spy and you immediately believe it? No, I believed it because I saw you do spy stuff.
What spy stuff? You switched canes in the park.
I'm always takin' someone else's somethin'.
I have two Jell-Os every lunch, and I'm not even supposed to eat Jell-O.
Well, what about the envelope from the Russians? Those were Canadian blood pressure meds.
I got high blood pressure from trying to pay for my American pills.
I know you always think the worst of me, but how could you believe this? Wait a minute.
Even though you suspected I was a traitor, you wanted to save me.
Of course I did.
Which means mwah, you love me.
(SOBBING) Apparently.
I love you, Dad.
- GRAMPA: I love you, son.
GRAMPA: I love you.
HOMER: Oh, and I love you.
(CRYING) GRAMPA: And I love you.
And I love you more than you love me.
HOMER: Oh, no.
- - (HOMER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) We're here to see Terrance.
My husband went to see him last night and he never came back.
Not here.
How 'bout our grandpa? Also not here.
Do you see anything that goes on here? (GROANS) Your father and grandfather left with Terrance.
Your father-in-law was mouthing the words "help me," but I'm trained to ignore that.
are you friends with Terrance? I'm his daughter, Hazel.
Your father took my husband and his father away.
Homer left me this phone message last night.
Marge! I'm (STATIC) locked in a trunk! (STATIC) And not in a good way! I got to (STATIC) What's going on? Have you heard anything from your dad? He never remembers to call.
Especially when he's killing people.
Killing people?! But that's when he was a spy.
Now he's retired and a bit delusional, bless his moldy melon.
Good thing he couldn't get hold of a gun.
In England.
Gun delivery for Crazy Terrance.
Didn't give a last name.
Just said he was workin' for a foreign government.
What about the waiting period? Oh, I waited for him to hand me cash.
(GRAVEL CRUNCHING UNDER TIRES) Uh, we're on a gravel road and we're slowing down.
Not a good sign.
I forgive you for everything.
You, too, son.
If he asks me to dig my own grave, I'm totally not gonna do a good job.
WIGGUM: Well, this is a wild goose chase.
There's no one in the car.
MARGE: Open the trunk.
Well, I'll be.
I solved a case.
How did I do this? I tracked my father with my cell phone.
(AMERICAN ACCENT): I'll put out the bulletin, Yanks.
(AMERICAN ACCENT): Guys! Dad, I know that's you.
Move yo' ass, sister.
I'm workin' here.
I heard someone's been a little naughty.
A bit kidnappy.
my God, you're right.
I've mucked it up again.
Officers, I hope you never know what it's like to face a lifetime of failing at your duty.
Never happen, my friend.
Oh, who's got the cuffs?! I'm-I'm nothing.
I'm a failure.
I'm worse than my father.
I'm just a hopeless bag of useless Can't even kick myself.
Poor fella.
Nothin' to show for 50 years' work.
But who does except for Tom Jones? (CHUCKLES) That guy loves not being dead.
But I could help this guy.
By being the Grey Box.
Or whatever.
You know what? You got your man.
I did spy for the Russkies.
I am the Grey Fox! (SNIFFLES) R-Really? Yep.
I always knew you'd be the one to get me.
Oh-ho! Good show, me! I have to admit, I did doubt myself a couple of times.
Well, now you can retire a happy man, watch Fox News and feel your brain turn to angry mush.
(EXHALES) Marge, may I give you a hug? Of course.
(GUNSHOT) No! It's happened again! No, no, no, she's fine.
I was just shootin' off the top of a soda can.
Homer, why don't you ride back with Terrance? - Okay.
- No, no.
Up front.
Up front! Like a grown-up! (ENGINE REVS) It's a long way To Tipperary Faster! Come on! It's a long way to go Tiddly pom BOTH: It's a long way to Tipperary - To the sweetest girl I know! - - (QUIETLY): Dad, come here.
- What is it? Shh! MALE VOICE: Korova govorit "mu.
" Koza govorit "ba.
" It's Russian.
What's going on in here, missy? Osel govorit "hee haw, hee haw.
" "Made in Russia"? Oh, that's why that thing only cost three bucks on Amazon.
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